devestated

[Athena]

I can not urge you strongly enough NOT to go to the papers until you have consulted a solicitor.

 

You want to know exactly what your options are, speak to someone who has handled cases like yours in the past and be sure based on their experience, that you will not be doing yourself more harm than good by going to the papers.

 

 

Worly, this sounds like solid advice.

[worlybear]

:)Thanks everyone I am listening. The posts are really helpful. I was really angry before but I have calmed down a bit. I don't really think going to the papers would be helpful in the long run ,towards my family, myself or H.

I just felt thwarted yet again.

At the moment I am going to rely on the union to renegotiate my hours until I decide what I want to do career wise. I am actively looking for other teaching jobs as well.

H collected younger daughter from school today. She is settling in well so far ,so at least that is positive. She took him to show her classroom etc.

Had counselling earlier today - not sure if these sessions are helpful or not and a lot of responses from counsellor are just reiterations of what I've already said to her. I must admit I come away feeling a bit disgruntled as what she suggests re H ,I'm already doing.

Still waiting for school to email me as a member of staff that Ofsted is cancelled- I think it will be a long wait as they've already emailed parents, good to feel valued isn't it!

However I have been tipped off that parents have phoned and are asking why our younger daughter has been removed and what's going on . So there are rumblings afoot.

Its very difficult to plan ahead more than one day at a time.So thats what I'm doing.

[worlybear]

Struggling tonight. I am glad that daughter is ok but I feel completely adrift. H is only focused on Australia trip and seems to be unconcerned that his job and mine are unresolved. Counsellor suggested that it was because he can only deal with single issues at the moment and the Australia trip is looming and priority to him.

I feel very alone . I'm trying to stay upbeat in front of daughters and H but tonight ,by myself, I admit I feel sorry for myself.

I just can see a long,lonely difficult road ahead. I think H will be reinstated, ow will keep her job and I'll end up being collateral damage and will end up leaving,despite having done nothing wrong.

Where is the justice in that?

No amount of financial support lessens the fact that he is not living with me anymore- feel really rubbish.

[jwi71]

Don't give up on the counselor. Keep going. Like you, I hated going at first and now, some eight months later...I often look forward to it.

 

As how you feel...I wish I could help. I wish I could offer or say something, um, helpful.

I can't.

 

I'll just repeat myself I guess.

 

Choose your path in life. Now. Don't wait. Don't second guess. Don't over-analyze.

 

Try to reconcile...or don't.

Try and fight for your job...or don't.

 

Make the decision and throw yourself full force at it. And don't look back. Don't second guess...don't play "what-if".

 

Take steps towards YOUR happiness in YOUR (one and only) life.

 

Prayers for you...

[Athena]

 

Where is the justice in that?

 

Where is your representative to get you justice in all of that?

Its not going to fall from the sky.

You have to Negotiate it. Preferably with an experienced, legal representative. Not your freebie Union representative, but someone more powerful.

 

It's up to you if you want justice. Don't know if you will go after it though...

[pelicanpreacher]

Its the bird perched on the farthest and lightest limb that tends to be safest from the creeping snake and stalking cat....

 

Eventually, Worly, you will have to focus your attention on securing employment within the school system elsewhere. Unbeknownst to the offending parties involved, once removed beyond their consciousness, power shifts back on your side for those very same parents will become much more inquisitive as to your departure when followed upon the heels of your daughter's. The school will obviously attempt to downplay your absence to spin a story that suits their agenda to get past this incident with minimum ripples but the seeming inaccessibility of your new post will afford you the same capacity to move against them with the safe secrecy they applied against you.

 

Since you and your child are so popular I believe that a professional "farewell" letter writing campaign informing the parents of the circumstances of your departure once you're safely deployed has the potential of going viral within your community's rumor mill while you maintain a safe distance far removed from the fray. If you follow that action up with an anonymous tip to the local rag you'll have the making of a perfect "pincer" move guaranteed to put pressure on the school, the HT, and your husband that'll crack the thin veneer of respectability they've outwardly portrayed throughout this ordeal. Of course, by now you should already be long gone, well established in your new setting, and beyond the reproach of those caught in the fallout!

 

If your school was smart they'd not only welcome you back but also promote you to boot so they'd be able to watch, manipulate and control you until they could trump up a charge or excuse suiting their own terms to exact your dismissal. Don't fall for that trap. Its time for you to see the big picture and begin turning your worm for your husband hasn't shown any inclination towards reconciling your marriage but instead, staunchly defends his choice to pursue his OW without deference and to the detriment of everyone around him! You, therefore, have more to lose by slipping quietly into that good night than you have in taking methodically intelligent action against your offenders!

[Athena]

Nice, Pelican. But she aint gonna take your advice either. This is her blog.

[pelicanpreacher]

Nice, Pelican. But she aint gonna take your advice either. This is her blog.

 

Not thus far but steady pressure makes a

Grand Canyon, LOL!

[travelgirl]

Worly,

 

Now that your daughter is out of the school and getting some normalcy back, you need to take some steps forward too. If your 7 year old can make a huge transition and be okay, then you need to as well. There is no excuse anymore.

 

There is only so many times you can say your are frustrated, struggling, can only take it day to day and still NOT do anything about it. Why do you continue to worry about H's job when he doesn't? I don't get that. I agree with many other posters here. The union will do a pitiful job with you unless pressed. Why are you not looking for representation that will fight for you, that has dealt with this before. I am not saying leak all and seek crazy revenge but you sit here saying things are fair but aren't doing anything to make it fair. H is no longer looking out for you well being. He hasn't since he started his affair and hasn't since you found out either. You have been put thru the ringer and it isn't fazing him AT ALL. Why are you backing in a corner, using the H's job as an excuse to sit and do nothing? What if the school pays him for the rest of the year not to come back? Are you going to sit around and wait that long. Let him have his money, no work, OW, flat and anything he wants with you and the kids?

 

When is enough is enough. It will be almost 3 months - correct? I know it is hard to move forward more then a day but it is keeping you doing NOTHING to move forward at all - you need to figure out what you want and move forward and deal with the future. Is this where you want to be in another 3 months? If not, the time to act is now, not later.

[worlybear]

Because I still love him and we are starting to move forward with our relationship. I 'm not giving up and if it takes time then so be it.

[anne1707]

Move forward in what way Worly?

[pelicanpreacher]

Because I still love him and we are starting to move forward with our relationship. I 'm not giving up and if it takes time then so be it.

 

Okay....As long as you have faith then pay your money and take your chances! I fully support your efforts to reconcile but know that as long as you protect you enable!!!

[jwi71]

OK...so you have decided to reconcile.

 

Now what are you going to DO to reconcile?

 

(And, I hate to say this, but sitting around and waiting is not moving forward.)

[worlybear]

Seen H a lot this week. He's been picking up younger daughter from school and looked after her in the evenings whilst older daughter and me went out to yoga and swimming and last night he asked me to go to the flat for a drink.

We talked for a long time ,mainly about the kids and job situation -didn't talk about ow. He is going to Australia next Friday so we talked about that too.

Felt that he was much less tense. He was keen to chat and not confrontational. He has been spending a lot of time walking on the beach and thinking.

It may not be much but I do feel that there is small progress.He told me that I looked good .(crumbs of comfort perhaps but good to hear all the same.)

Yes I know I may be clutching at straws and I am aware that its not much but it is something.

[anne1707]

Worly

 

I'm sorry but I really cannot see how that is progress in your relationship with your husband. Dust settling and things calming down maybe but not signs of reconciliation. Please, please be careful not to build your hopes up or imagine signs that are not there. I know it has been hell over the last few months but you have been slowly healing - don't start opening the wounds.

 

I am not saying that reconcilation is not possible but you really do need to focus on getting yourself sorted out first. How long is your H going to Australia for (plus who with and why - it's a hell of a long way to go if this is some kind of spur of the moment thing when money must be tight right now). Though I do think it may be good for you to have real time apart.

[worlybear]

His going to Australia is a longstanding national delegate arrangement and its only for 17 days(not funded by us.)

I know you don't agree but talking to him at his request ,rather than me nagging at him to talk about anything is progress ,and I'm not saying that its massive, but its there.

[anne1707]

I never said don't talk to him. I actually think it is vital that you talk and see each other so that you can establish at least some kind of relationship whereby you can get on with each other in front of your children (and for your own peace of mind).

 

I am just concerned that you are seeing more than what there really is. You are still so vulnerable and obviously still love your husband. I am not criticising you for that. You cannot just turn feelings off like that. But you do need to protect yourself. Hope is a good thing but false hope is just asking for more pain. Please be careful.

[jwi71]

Worly,

 

I must be blind, stupid and retarded but I don't see what YOU are doing to move forward towards reconciling with your H.

 

Spending time with daughter. NOT something to be proud of. I REFUSE to give any person credit for that which they should already be doing. And, um, these are HIS actions..not yours (and for his daughter, not you).

 

HE asked you for a drink and you chatted. I can almost count this as progress...and again...HIS actions. What did you DO besides wait and hope for such invitation?

 

Felt less tense. Again, sorry. But ANYONE can be civil (and less tense) for ONE night.

 

Worly...you are NOT moving forward. All of those ACTIONS came from others...not you.

 

If you want to reconcile...you formulate a plan and ACT. I have already suggested you take your H to dinner and have a heart felt, open, bear it all talk. At some point, you must have that talk with him...

[citizen67]

Worly - I have read all 22 pages about your saga. It sucks. Your husband really is behaving like a jerk. Don't get back together - and that doesn't mean never, it means right now. It is so obvious to anyone with even a little objectivity that reconciliation is not the answer right now. Instead, reconcile yourself to being single. Tell the H that you are only interested in interaction w/ him if it concerns the kids, or divorce issues. Tell him you are moving on. He has shown so little regard for you - let's imagine you get back together tomorrow - am I wrong that in 2 weeks, when he's moping around missing the OW, and has yet to say anything that comes even close to making this ok, is it working for you, or are you more angry & miserable than ever?

 

Who knows, if a little time passes, he may wake up and realize I gotta go win this woman back! And maybe he comes begging back, and then maybe you get to say "oh, wow, that's nice but I'm seriously involved with someone else", b/c maybe you are!

 

I'm going thru a very tought time myself Worly, so I relate and feel bad about the stuff you are dealing with, but all the people on here who say ok its time for you to make yourself the thing to focus on - they are right. It ultimately is the only thing that brings some peace. Good luck.

[worlybear]

I know that you're right and I also know that it would be a terrible mistake to reconcile at the moment. It is far too soon and there are way too many issues to address between us re our failed relationship. We would both be miserable. I was just trying to say that I feel our communication has moved on from a "pass the salt," basis and we are finally talking.

I have been trying to make other friends and I am in constant touch with a new male friend so who knows how that relationship and my relationship with H will develop?

I do value everyones input on here even if I don't always agree/follow it.

[jj33]

Worly what is a greater concern to me reading this post is that you have never done anything to see what your rights are vis a vis the school system. Its normal that you would want to see if there are grounds for reconciation with your H and to give him space and time to see if he is going to come back on terms that are acceptable to you. But that is separate from protecting yourself professionally and you have done nothing on that score.

 

Going to a solicitor and meeting with him for an hour and finding out where you really stand, whether what is going on with the union is typical etc seems like a no brainer. Not that you have to start a civil action against the school system but you are just floating in the balance waffling on about OFSTED (a joke in your case) and how unfair it is.

 

It may be unfair but it seems odd that you dont even want to know for sure where things stand. This has dragged on for months and you havent even taken that small step to educate yourself (unless of course you have and you havent posted about it).

[imagine]

I have been trying to make other friends and I am in constant touch with a new male friend so who knows how that relationship and my relationship with H will develop?

 

Watch out for this route. It will embarrass you and your daughter off the high road.

 

You are still very much hurting and this will definitely boost you. Possibly this will become a guy trying to get into your undies while you are still needing appreciation.

 

Stay with confiding to ladies for now!

[Athena]

Again, Worly, I am going to back up the above poster with his valuable advice to you to go seek counsel with a lawyer who has experience with these kinds of cases.

 

If you don't follow any other advice on these boards, at the very least follow this piece of advice, so that you don't get royally screwed.

I know you must feel emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted by all that has transpired, but you have to muster up the strength to visit and talk about your options with someone who has clout. That is the only way you can help yourself seek the justice you were talking about a few days ago... its not going to necessarily come your way, you have to action it. So find the Very Best Solicitor to represent you, and THEN relax and focus on H and yourself. But just do this one thing, for yourself.

[jj33]

I agree Athena. Even if you dont do anything with the information at least you will know where you are. Everyones different but I wouldnt be able to sleep at night not knowing what my rights were, what my options were, whether there was anything the union could be doing that it isnt, etc even if I wasnt ready to take action on the information.

 

Bottom line its always better to know where you stand than to be blindsided later because you missed the opportunity to act.

[worlybear]

Have made contact with solicitor and hope to meet next week re job.