devestated

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't know where all the other posters are on this forum, like Dexter, who would be shouting from the rooftops, "Why would you want a cheater back?"

 

As much as I'd like to have the time to respond to every post on here, it just ain't possible.

 

But now that you mention it, hell yes, you know me well. wurly, why the hell would you want this cheater back??? He is sh#t.

 

 

Like taylor said, you deserve so much better. Move on and find a real man. Your H is a piece of crap.

[worlybear]

I think you're right. H needs to be put on the outside and watch me get better.

He took daughter out today to the beach. When she came back she told me that he said he didn't want to see me.

I was furious . Went and asked him what was he playing at. He was stunned and said that he was playing a game with her in the car (the horrible game which I've heard him play before -when he teases and says that everyone is horrible, lists the family, then he tickles her.)

He was horrified that she'd taken it the wrong way. I just pointed out that she was very unsettled and volatile due to having to move school on Monday.He's trying to act as if everything is normal but for her ,especially,it isn't.

When I spoke to her again it was obvious that he had been playing with her as he said.

Had house valued,definitely in negative equity and renting it out won't cover the mortgage ,so we will have to stay and he will have to pay, at least for the moment.

Have joined a friendship group and hoping to go out soon.

I look forward to a day when I wake up and everything isn't such a muddle and I don't go blundering along. I feel like a snooker ball ,bouncing off all the pockets.

[worlybear]

Daughter very wobbly today and wants to see her Dad. Have sent text asking when he will see her this weekend. She is getting very nervous about Monday.

I may get H to take her to her new school ,haven't decided yet.

Read thru all your advice and am thinking what to do next.

I have to do what I can cope with.

[anne1707]

I think this weekend is one for really focussing on your daughter. She is bound to be worried about the new school. I am not so sure on getting her father to take her to the school. Ask her who she wants with her - it may be she would rather have your hand holding hers instead.

 

Or it may be that you should both take her. I know that is a hard one for you but for the sake of your daughter, she needs to know that both parents love her and does need to see you capable of spending some time together in the same room without fighting - all part of her being reassured that this split is not because of her.

[signedin2008]

Daughter very wobbly today and wants to see her Dad. Have sent text asking when he will see her this weekend. She is getting very nervous about Monday.

I may get H to take her to her new school ,haven't decided yet.

Read thru all your advice and am thinking what to do next.

I have to do what I can cope with.

 

I think you and him should take her together if you can. You want him to see the devastation of his affair on his daughter and the challenges she has to face. It's ALL a result of his infidelity.

[Lucky_One]

If your daughter is upset about changing schools, then both of you need to be there for her. You make it sound like a punishment for her and for him - he will have to take her on Monday. This isn't exactly what your daughter needs right now, you know?

 

And it is hard and it sucks, but your daughter is going to have to get used to the idea that her father doesn't want to see you. She can be upset by him saying that, but it is the honest truth, and going storming out to his car isn't going to change his mind about wanting to see you, nor is it going to help your daughter come to grips with that. How about, "yes, our marriage is not working out, and that is the way it is." Factual, calm and rational.

[worlybear]

Lucky one-I didn't go "storming out to the car," as you apparently think. We did talk rationally and without shouting and cleared up the misunderstanding. He has contacted her twice since then to make sure that she is ok to apologise for teasing her. and and we do see him most days.He may not be living at home but we do communicate daily and not always about the family.

As for being there for my daughter, I am 24/7, as I know are lots of other mums BUT it is his fault that she is having to change schools ,she is bright enough to be aware of it and why shouldn't he face up to his responsibilities towards her as well?

I am hoping that we can take her together as suggested. Its a good idea.

[worlybear]

H came round to take daughter out. When they came back I asked if he could pick her up from new school tomorrow afternoon.(her preference.) He is going to do that and came and admired her new uniform so she was pleased.

Have hand delivered note to school just saying that we have decided that she will no longer be attending. I'll wait with interest to see if that gets a response from them.

Trying to keep upbeat for her but privately feel that I am on the edge of a precipice ,wondering if I've made the right decision.

Am going to ring union tomorrow to try and at least negotiate changing my days-also hope that there will be news on H's job.This can 't go on forever.

Trying to concentrate on getting myself together more and not to keep worrying about H who is noticeably getting more anxious(about time.)

[worlybear]

Glad to report that Daughter had a decent day at her new school. I took her and H picked her up.

[anne1707]

That's good - she needs to know you are both there for her. How are you doing?

[worlybear]

:confused:Feeling very muddled at the moment. Daughter is ok so far and I'm sure its the best thing but I still feel that she has had to move because of the poor handling of the situation at her previous school.

After I dropped her off yesterday I came home and picked up a message on the phone from old school sec. asking where we were. Rang back (it was 9.50) and asked if they had opened the post that morning,as I had hand delivered a letter and my med cert for the week during half term. (They hadn't opened the post.) Acting Head had assumed I would be there and was not in school- result one class without a teacher.(No. I didn't offer to go in ,but I was tempted to for the kids sake.)

Had an email later re Headteachers report(sent to Govs and Staff) that in 3 pages managed to avoid mentioning that H was suspended and staffing was in chaos.

I really want to be there for Ofsted and am working with my union to have my hours (or hers) changed.

H has heard nothing .This is the 7th week of suspension(paid) and he has not been contacted once. He still does n't know if he will have a case to answer.

I am really tempted to go to the press , its almost as if county and the school govs are pretending that the situation will go away.

I suspect,given the poor treatment I have received that I will have to take legal action re my job ,too.

H has seen daughters a lot recently but I keep out of the way as I find it difficult to be around him in this surreal situation.

Morally,in this situation I feel what should have happened weeks ago,

is that both H and OW should have been offered the chance to either resign OR be redeployed immediately.

Neither my daughter or myself should have been put in the situation that we were(and for myself still am) in.

The entire system is mad to the point of corruptness with so many hidden agendas. If I had read about this I would never have believed it was Britain.

[Geishawhelk]

You and me both worly.

That's one of the reasons I have refrained from posting.

Because I find the behaviour of the school and staff so at odds with what I personally had expected, or presumed would happen, that I felt like a fraud for everything I posted previously.

 

I suppose maybe the school I attended was different, in that it was a RC Diocesian school, and therefore high on Moral Standards, and the Head teacher was also a Local magistrate, so she had an in-depth knowlege on many different aspects....

The then Deputy Head (now headmaster) was a model of virtue and propriety, and was educated by Monks.

 

I think what you are doing all the way down the line is admirable, correct and absolutley proper.

I too, can't get my head around what ius going on at the school, as compared to what SHOULD have happened.

'Topsy-turvy' doesn't cover it.

 

Keep yourself well, keep a clear head, and bash the Union for support every step of the way.

 

The more you mention 'the press', the more I'm tempted to say 'go for it'.....

[imagine]

I too, can't get my head around what ius going on at the school, as compared to what SHOULD have happened.

'Topsy-turvy' doesn't cover it.

 

Keep yourself well, keep a clear head, and bash the Union for support every step of the way.

 

The more you mention 'the press', the more I'm tempted to say 'go for it'.....

 

I think that parent should know what is happening at school. His infidelity is one aspect and entirely open to scrutiny the other, disorganized management of student is absolutely open to public evaluation.

 

Dang it, I'd get my kid out of that school.

[Geishawhelk]

Her daughter is now in another school....

 

I'm astonished at how she and worly are bearing the brunt of the thoughtless, stupid and mindless actions of two supposedly 'intelligent' adults.

Not to mention the school's attitude.

[jj33]

She needs to go see a lawyer. The union is great but she needs to know more globally what her rights are and the union may only be telling her what they can do and what she can do within the scope of the grievance process.

 

Otherwise she will continue to be swept along. I hate to say it Geisha but I am not surprised the system here seems to rely (in my experience) upon noone making a fuss and doing what they are told. With no offense to others on the board who take great pride in saying how things are or arent in England.

[jwi71]

Worly,

 

I'm not sure what OFSTED is....by what do you hope to achieve by being present?

What CAN you achieve by being present?

 

Really, what is your goal? Do YOU even know?

 

And its ok if it changes - I quite suspect it does, sometimes more than once in the day. It is a wild ride. (Been there myself)

 

The ONLY way your life "gets better" is by making a decision and then taking ACTIONS which move you towards your goal.

 

But you MUST choose. The limbo your life is must be unspeakable hell, the not knowing, the what-ifs, the fear, the uncertainty...END THOSE THINGS.

 

It is in YOUR power to end it.

 

But the ONLY way to end it is to choose your path: reconciliation? job? what?

 

How can you possibly move forward in your life if you don't know where to go?

 

Help us, help yourself, help your family...choose a path and start walking.

[jj33]

Quoted from the ofsed website

 

"The new Ofsted – the Office for Standards in Education, Children's Services and Skills – came into being on 1 April 2007. It brings together the wide experience of four formerly separate inspectorates. It will inspect and regulate care for children and young people, and inspect education and training for learners of all ages.

We want to raise aspirations and contribute to the long term achievement of ambitious standards and better life chances for service users. Their educational, economic and social well-being will in turn promote England's national success

To achieve this we will report fairly and truthfully; we will listen to service users and providers; and we will communicate our findings with all who share our vision, from service providers to policy-makers. We do not report to government ministers but directly to Parliament (and to the Lord Chancellor about children and family courts administration). This independence means you can rely on us for impartial information.

 

The Education and Inspections Act, which established the new Ofsted, specifically requires that in everything we do we should:

• promote service improvement
  
• ensure services focus on the interests of their users
  
• see that services are efficient, effective and promote value for money."
  

Thats from the ofsted website.

 

I hate to say it Worly but hoping OFSTED will take up your cause is probably like waiting for Santa Claus. It may be broadly within their remit but I would be surprised if they escalated it.

[worlybear]

The new mantra in schools is that"Every child matters."

 

I want to be present for the Ofsted team in school so that I can flag up to them ,either verbally or with a pre-written letter that my daughter mattered so little that we were obliged to move her to another school.

I also need to let them know that Wellbeing for employees is non existent ,despite the prettily papered "wellbeing wall".

That the Governors have exacerbated the situation with their high handedness and incorrect procedures(conflict of interests .)

The reasons as to why the Headteacher is not there(NOT due to illness as I suspect will be the reason given.)

The fact that REAL HT was about to instigate "capability procedures " before he was suspended, against the Y3/4 teacher who is unable to control class/teach effectively.

Ofsted may not listen but I want to make damn sure that they are aware of all the facts before they pass any informed judgements about how well the school performs and enable them to cut through the crap of arty displays which is masking what an ineffective job the school is actually doing.

I just feel that it is important that the truth is known and not covered up with lies and platitudes.

[jj33]

Thats nice in theory and it may make you feel empowered that you can tell someone else, but ?? I dont see it making a big difference to the welfare of you and your family. The system is failing you, you need to take serious action. Talking to OFSTED is not sufficiently serious action in my view but that thats just my opinion.

[Athena]

The fact that REAL HT was about to instigate "capability procedures " before he was suspended, against the Y3/4 teacher who is unable to control class/teach effectively.

 

Does your H want you to tell them?

[jwi71]

The new mantra in schools is that"Every child matters."

 

I want to be present for the Ofsted team in school so that I can flag up to them ,either verbally or with a pre-written letter that my daughter mattered so little that we were obliged to move her to another school.

I also need to let them know that Wellbeing for employees is non existent ,despite the prettily papered "wellbeing wall".

That the Governors have exacerbated the situation with their high handedness and incorrect procedures(conflict of interests .)

The reasons as to why the Headteacher is not there(NOT due to illness as I suspect will be the reason given.)

The fact that REAL HT was about to instigate "capability procedures " before he was suspended, against the Y3/4 teacher who is unable to control class/teach effectively.

Ofsted may not listen but I want to make damn sure that they are aware of all the facts before they pass any informed judgements about how well the school performs and enable them to cut through the crap of arty displays which is masking what an ineffective job the school is actually doing.

I just feel that it is important that the truth is known and not covered up with lies and platitudes.

 

You're biggest gun is their handling of the situation and how it effects staff and pupil alike.

 

But don't tell ofsted.

 

The school will simply paint you as bitter old worly. A nuisance who stirs up trouble because of blah blah blah.

 

Tell a reporter.

 

ofsted will NOT dismiss an investigative reporter who is looking into sexual impropriety, collusion and conflicts of interest at the school.

 

My .02

[worlybear]

Just heard that Ofsted has been cancelled so I now have 3 options.

1. Wait for union to sort things out re both my job and H's.

2. Go to papers.

3.Explore legal aspects re daughter and myself.

[cherrymoon]

Telling ofsted will not work in your favour.

 

you need to think outside of you personally. what would you advise a teacher?

 

If a teacher had an affair with a parent of a pupil, how would the school react.

 

Act now as a parent not a teacher.

 

Take advise that you would give others.

 

I know that when Ofsted report on a school the staff in the school are put under huge pressure. The school needs this situation gone until the report is finished.

If i remember correctly the report can take up to a year.

 

You need to write to the school and maybe the Department of education telling them how your daughter has been treated. You need to not make it a personal vent.

 

However every action has a consequence. Are you willing to take on yours.

 

Think carefully you may get reinstated by the Dept or by the school. How will you be accepted (i know you haven't been made leave but you know what I mean)

Your husband

well everybody will know EVERYBODY, he may have to face real consequences. will this effect your chances of reconcilliation(if that is still what you want)

 

Sometimes Worly it is just better to keep your dignity.

The school move was unfair but hey this could be way better for herin the long run.

 

You are Angry and rightly so. Personally I would write to the school and ask them out right what is going on.

i would decide what I am going to do after that.

You need to be sane and to be honest that means letting him go. Fight for your happiness.

Revenge is better served cold and right now you are angry and emotional and rationality won't come out of this.

 

I was called crazy lady all to often when I was going through my stuff and all it did was make people dismiss what i was really going through.

 

Becareful.

[Athena]

Just heard that Ofsted has been cancelled so I now have 3 options.

1. Wait for union to sort things out re both my job and H's.

2. Go to papers.

3.Explore legal aspects re daughter and myself.

 

perhaps instead of going to the papers, you can anonymously let the local papers know that something happened at the school, and mention A between HT and G and also the pathetic middle class teacher?

Let the reporters dig around for the info, from whatever sources they uncover. I think you are going through way too much yourself, to have to go directly to the papers -- you're too emotionally fragile right now.

But if you want people to know, just sic the reporter dogs on 'em

[jj33]

I can not urge you strongly enough NOT to go to the papers until you have consulted a solicitor.

 

You want to know exactly what your options are, speak to someone who has handled cases like yours in the past and be sure based on their experience, that you will not be doing yourself more harm than good by going to the papers.

 

There is all sorts of tittle tattle all the time about a minister or an MP or this one or that one sleeping with someone's husband. It may be a big deal in a small village, but you dont want it to backfire on you and compromise any rights you may have. And people may not side with you. They may empathize but it may not make a difference in the outcome.

 

ALWAYS know your rights before you take action. You dont want to be posting in a month that a story ran, xyz happened you went to a solicitor who said you should have taken a different path.