devestated

[citizen67]

Its gut instinct.

 

Your instinct is way off. So the affair is community knowledge. That alone should be enough for you to have some pride and kick him to the curb. If not forever at least for now. And I don't care how "minimal" his contact is with the ow, his "friend" it is outrageously disrespectful towards you. But hey, you've made it so clear that his behavior has absolutely no consequences, so it isnt surprising. What are you doing about you? Your focus is off. Seriously, imagine this was happenning to your sister, or one of your daughters, what would your advice be to her. What are you modeling for your daughter? Women are doormats? Stand by your man no matter how awful he treat you? If you can't do this for you, do it for your daughter

[soserious1]

I think neither of us want to make any decisions about our marriage at the moment and he is still part of the family even if he is living in the flat.

He is seeing ow occasionally as a friend.

He is spending more time here now and not just for daughter, we are talking more and texting more.

I can't give up at this stage when there still may be a chance to reconcile.

 

He's facing total loss of his career, of course he's going to toss a few crumbs of hope your way. you're his fall back plan.

[jj33]

Worly being there unconditionally obviously hasnt worked.

 

he had an affair and he moved out. Even tho you were there for him unconditionally.

 

You continue to be there for him unconditionally and he is still in contact with the OW.

 

If you force him to make a choice, maybe then he will have to give up the OW.

 

If he doesnt choose home and hearth, you know where you stand.

 

As the others have said, doing what you are doing you continue to be his fall back and are allowing him to continue to see the OW.

 

You are treating him like a small child, allowing him to get this out of his system.

 

Let him feel the consequences. Let him see that this was the single stupidest way he could have coped with his depression.

 

And let him come back to you showing you the respect you deserve. Not in some lukewarm fashion as he is now.

 

Id be VERY surprised if he wasnt sleeping with the OW. He was doing while he lived at home, WHY would he not be doing it now.

 

He lied to you while he lived at home, why would you believe him now.

 

As a former OW I can tell you that if the man I was involved with had moved out of his house I would have continued to see him. And most likely he would have downplayed that with his W.

 

Why should your H stir the pot if you think you are going to get a divorce? It would only upset you and your daughter more. And if he isnt sure, its easier to sit on the fence this way.

 

It sounds like he may decide to reconcile with you, but youd get a "better" H back if you start creating some boundaries. Otherwise you could find yourself in this position again down the line. Because there have been no consequences as between the 2 of you.

 

Dont be a doormat.

[Lucky_One]

I suggested before that you go to Marriagebuilders.com. You need some Plan B, and to grow a set of testicles.

 

As an XOW, it makes me laugh for me to read that you believe he is barely seeing the OW and that it is only as friends. Lovers who leave their spouse for someone else don't turn into "friends". If he is breaking things off with her, she is NOT going to be his friend. She will, however, possibly do like you are doing, and making him as welcome as she possibly can - in her home, in her bed, in her actions with him.

 

Plan B, Worly. You are enabling him to the nth degree.

[worlybear]

Thankyou for all your advice but I think I'll just sit tight for the moment until at least his job is resolved.

Older daughter has just read this thread and reckons that I am doing the right thing for now.

[worlybear]

:confused:By the way I'm surprised that there are so many posts from ow , can't quite get my head around it- it certainly makes me view the advice they've given me in a fresh way, can't help but wonder as to their motives when they are batting for the other side?

Having dealt a great deal with vice chair at school who is openly proud of being a former ow , I am naturally cautious regarding input from this source. She soon revealed her true colours and her support was a sham.

How can an ow offer advice/support to a bs?

[anne1707]

How can an ow offer advice/support to a bs?

 

Worly

 

Just because someone has been an OW, does not mean that they are a bad person through and through. The advice they can offer you is on how a WS acts away from their wife/husband. I offer my advice from the perspective of having been a WS (I had an affair with a work colleague which ended last Summer and it is why I first came to LS). My H knows about this and he and I are working through this together. I know what I have had to do and need to do to make our marriage work - as does my H. I think sometimes the best advice comes from those who have experienced something similar from whichever side of the triangle that might be.

[Athena]

wow, I feel obliged to respond to that last post of yours, Worly, where you show suspicion towards FORMER OW 'batting for the other side'!! Ouch! hurtful for these sincere posters, posting for you, on your side, clearly and obviously, and you are circumspect about THEM, and NOT YOUR Cheating Husband?!

 

Come on now, stop being ridiculous!

 

Okay, now hear this from a Betrayed Wife.... you may think you are being 'supportive' of your H, and indeed you are, however, what you don't see, what you don't realise, is that you are enabling his behaviour.

Not only in treating you as taking you for granted that you are always there for him, and rooting for him, and willing to overlook his indiscretions by having OW hanging around (i.e. read you are a Doormat).

 

I have been in your position and even in a better position than you, in that my H didn't entertain any former OW after D-Day (discover of affair day)... and I did what you are presently doing -- "fighting for my marriage" showing H my willingness to continue to be the good little wifey. It doesn't work Worley, do you know why? Because that doesn't force H to look at his behaviour against you and the marriage!

He already has an ability to mentally compartmentalize his affair and marriage, and as long as he is not forced to look at the two together, and not separate issues (ie face severe consequences from YOU), he is not going to get down to the nitty gritty, difficult, nay -- Painful-- task of looking at Himself.

And you are enabling him to avoid the real issues.

[Athena]

Thankyou for all your advice but I think I'll just sit tight for the moment until at least his job is resolved.

Older daughter has just read this thread and reckons that I am doing the right thing for now.

 

-- Has Elder daughter been through the painful betrayal of Infidelity? Nay? Then she lacks the Wisdom that comes through Experience, which is what most posters on this board have earned.

 

-- Has Elder daughter managed to be objective when it comes to her own father and mother? I don't get it -- now HOW is that even possible??

 

-- Really Worly, when I look at all the people who have read about your situation -- over Thirteen Thousand People!!!!!!!! -- probably the highest ranking post ever (?) I would wonder, if I were you, who the hundred-odd posters are that bother to write you and advise you. I don't see anyone being nasty or unfair to you, despite your apparent obstinacy in following any advice. I see only support, kindness, and even where there might be a bit of impatience showing, STILL the intent is pretty clear -- to help motivate you into helping yourself.

 

-- It's obviously up to you. Just letting you know that as unique as your H may be, and as much as you want him back, he is not that different to any other cheating H in what he has done, how he comports himself, and his continued disrespecting of you. And now, many of us readers who have tried all different approaches to dealing with a betrayal (from OW, to BS, to CS) are advising you of what seems to work, and what makes the Affair situation worse. Whilst no one can tell you what to do, and take the fall-out for you if things don't pan out well for you, and yes -- it is completely up to YOU to decide, what (if any) advice to follow, at least follow the advice that is easy to do, for e.g. the poster above who way back when even advised you to look into MarriageBuilders, etc... ARM yourself... your situation is not unique, but your wrong approach to your CH might turn out badly for you if you do not take steps into educating yourself on this, fully. Good Luck.

[jj33]

You know I really wanted to help you

 

You poor poor thing. You just dont have a clue

 

it would be one thing if people werent sincerely giving you advice.

 

But they were. Taking their time to reach out to you when you reached out for support.

 

no wonder you arent getting support from your community if that is your outlook

 

OWs are people. You dont know everyones situation and you dont know why people have done what they have done

 

I am a good person. A very good person. Dont be so small minded as to judge me or anyone else because they were involved with someone who was married. You have NO idea of the circumstances. And for the record in my case, she knew and didnt care. She even knew it was me. And didnt care.

 

Your daughter is giving you bad advice. She is far too close to the situation. She just wants her father to come home. She doesnt understand men or the situation. You continue along this path and you will not have the strong marriage that you want. You will have him back catering to his every whim.

[signedin2008]

:confused:By the way I'm surprised that there are so many posts from ow , can't quite get my head around it- it certainly makes me view the advice they've given me in a fresh way, can't help but wonder as to their motives when they are batting for the other side?

Having dealt a great deal with vice chair at school who is openly proud of being a former ow , I am naturally cautious regarding input from this source. She soon revealed her true colours and her support was a sham.

How can an ow offer advice/support to a bs?

 

 

Be careful with advice from OW/OM/homewreckers/cheaters. They might have other motives. They'll do virtually anything to justify their actions.

[worlybear]

Wow. I certainly didn't mean to upset people and my enquiry re ow posting was a genuine one. I do now get that everyone involved is able to offer sincere advice, I guess that thinking the vice chair was there for me and then finding that she was insincere played a part in it. Sorry if I offended anyone.

Re marriage builders I have looked at the site and plan A and plan B during the last few weeks. The way I read it was to do with "love busters," and I am trying very hard to be civil and non confrontational with H.(As advised on that site.) He is not ready for ultimatums and I still feel this is the way forward, even if we don't reconcile. Since I've used this approach there has been an improvement between us and he is spending more and more time at home with us. Visits home are increasing in length and frequency.

Re my daughters input- she is very much of the generation of "if it doesn't work get a new one," and is not close to her dad or even really me, come to that, so I knew she would give me an honest response(she hasn't got a tactful bone in her body.)to my posts and the responses. As has already been flagged up to me, everyone can offer some meaningful input and ,with respect I think she has a right to her say too. I asked her to read the posts because she has been living through the situation with me and knows what her dad is like (warts and all.) She also knows what I am like too.(warts and all.)

I do read all the posts and spend many long sleepless hours wondering if I am doing the right thing ,but it has to be what I feel is the right thing for me and mine- at the moment ,keeping the door open feels right.

[Geishawhelk]

Be careful with advice from OW/OM/homewreckers/cheaters. They might have other motives. They'll do virtually anything to justify their actions.

 

Oh, you're not bitter though, are you?

 

Your choice though......

[Geishawhelk]

(...)He is not ready for ultimatums and I still feel this is the way forward, even if we don't reconcile. Since I've used this approach there has been an improvement between us and he is spending more and more time at home with us. Visits home are increasing in length and frequency.

 

I am of the personal opinion that he is behaving this way, because you have done nothing whatsoever to 'make life difficult' for him. You have given him no conditions, no ultimatums, no choices, no 'man-ups'.

 

So he can continue 'getting away' with doing what he wants, because he has faced neither objection, nor contradiction from you.

 

Just ask yourself:

 

If he is seeing the OW still, think what she must be thinking about you?

That she's riding over you, and honey, you have nooooo idea....ha ha....

 

He really should be having no contact with her AT ALL - full stop and end of story - until this matter is resolved satisfactorily. Practically, professionally AND emotionally.

Christmas, it's the bloody least he could do - !! It's called 'meeting you half way,' isn't it?

So far, on this level, he seems to be getting it cushy.

[signedin2008]

Re marriage builders I have looked at the site and plan A and plan B during the last few weeks. The way I read it was to do with "love busters," and I am trying very hard to be civil and non confrontational with H.(As advised on that site.).

 

Are you posting on that site seeking advice also? If the answer is "no," why not?

 

What is your H like when he is at home with you and your kids for visit? What is he like as a father/husband before the affair? Do you want the old marriage back or would you only accept an improved marriage?

[signedin2008]

Oh, you're not bitter though, are you?

 

Nope, I am not. Don't be hating on me.

[citizen67]

Do you honestly think so little of yourself that an ultimatum of "no contact with the OW at all" is too much to ask???????????? If so, you are going to end up in one of those marriages where the guy runs around and the woman pretends not to notice. And you'll be teaching your daughter that this is how relationships btwn men and women are.

[jj33]

Some people want their marraige back on any terms.

 

That seems to be Worly's position. And that is fair enough. We dont know her or the details of her situation.

 

Im out. Hope it works out for you.

[Geishawhelk]

Nope, I am not. Don't be hating on me.

 

I wouldn't dream of it. It genuinely upsets me though when I see and witness so many people harbouring feelings of anger, hatred and resentment towards their exes when those feelings just keep their heads under water.

 

There is a happier alternative, but it's all a question of choice.

[signedin2008]

I wouldn't dream of it. It genuinely upsets me though when I see and witness so many people harbouring feelings of anger, hatred and resentment towards their exes when those feelings just keep their heads under water.

 

There is a happier alternative, but it's all a question of choice.

 

It seems to me that, based on your above statements, you're making wrong assumptions about me.

[worlybear]

No, I don't want the marriage back on any terms.

THEN -The last year was horrible and he was very difficult to live with ,angry and resentful of others and so exhausted that had no time for any of us . He didn't sleep and was working until 2 or 3 in the morning on school paperwork (and yes he was I've seen the mountains of info both screen wise and printed.)He was particularly short tempered with younger daughter as he said he was fed up with being with kids and had no energy left.

Why did I put up with it? Because he was having a breakdown and I thought that by being there and supportive was the right thing to do.

Obviously that was not the right way but I had no script to follow and he was always adamant that work alone was the problem.

Since we've been talking he's admiited that he's made mistakes and should have asked for help sooner.That he was bored at home and felt marginalised by the demands of the family.He convinced himself I didn't care so why should he.

Now-Around the house he is more relaxed . I told him back in Dec how little the girls felt he was there for them and he was very angry and verbally aggressive BUT within the last few weeks he has been much calmer with schoolwork /home pressures off. he has been very hands on , enjoying family company again and I remember why I married him.

He has always said that ow was a symptom of his unhappiness at everything. I have to accept that I am not blameless.I didn't see/chose to ignore warning signs and blundered on hoping it would all go away.

The impact on both our teaching careers has been truly awful as previously posted.

I know that any resolution relationship wise is going to be slow and professionally for him ,not much quicker.

I am actively seeking a new post at another school ,locally.

[travelgirl]

Some people want their marraige back on any terms.

 

That seems to be Worly's position. And that is fair enough. We dont know her or the details of her situation.

 

Im out. Hope it works out for you.

 

I agree which is why I said Good Luck in my last posting as well. It is obvious by every post she is defending her H and his actions after advice is given to her here. I was in her position as a BS for maybe 2 weeks before I saw the light and took the advice on here to move forward with either divorce or reconciliation. I took advice from everyone (even Dexter) but I think it is just going to take her a long time to figure out it doesn't matter how "sad" or "depressed" DH was. He ruined everything by jumping in the sack time and time again with another women, he continues to disrespect her by talking/seeing OW and has not shown any remorse or made any attempt to move forward with ANY part of his life. He is keeping his options open by talking to her and the family on his terms (not hers) taking all the time he needs and she is handing him that on a silver platter. If she has read any other threads besides here own here on loveshack, she will see this NEVER works and it actually backfires. If she thinks she is not being a doormat and no one here can convince her otherwise, there is not much more to say then Good Luck.

[worlybear]

I have read lots of the other threads and the advice. I still think what I am doing is the way forward for me and mine. I have to live with the situation and for the moment I think its right, yes I may change my mind ,it just depends what happens in the future.

[wicar]

I am a complete mess. Married for 26 years with 5 kids (4 grown-up +7 yr old.) I have just found out that my husband is having an affair. To make it worse we both work at the same school in a small community and she is a parent governor. Apart from the hurt from the relationship break up we are both very well known in the area and the humiliation is immense.

I don't know how to move forward.

He wants to move out but says he doesn't want to move in with her.

I feel that I will never trust anyone ever again.

 

 

No one can be trusted, let him move out, he was the one cheating, make sure you get support for your children from him.

[anne1707]

No one can be trusted, let him move out, he was the one cheating, make sure you get support for your children from him.

 

He did move out - three months ago when the post you quoted was made. It help to read the full thread before posting.