devestated

[lostmymind]

If he is not willing to completely cut off ALL contact with the OW, then you need to tell him that if he doesn't, you will leave-and you need to mean it. It's not acceptable for him to see her....period. I know that it is hard for you to know that he is hurting, but aren't you hurting, too? He made a huge mistake and if he has any kind of conscience he is going to hurt. Don't let pity for him cloud your judgement. You have a very long road ahead of you, I am sorry to say. I know this from experience. It has been 3 years since the discovery of my H affair and I still struggle. You need to decide if you can deal with the affair and move past it, but with the knowledge that he still has contact with the OW, you won't be able to do so. Go to a counselor. Even if he doesn't, they can help you.

[hopefulInFuture]

Your husband is acting selfish. He did not think about his family and about you while he was seeking out his pleasure elsewhere. I don't think you should pity him. You should think of yourself and of your children. Try to move on. Seriously I can't believe that a man who has 5 kids can be happy leaving his family for somebody that he barely knows. I guess he needed a little fun cause he got bored after so many years of marriage! I hope you give him all that he really deserves right now.

[Geishawhelk]

We are going to have to disagree. I'm in the US so if I a completely off the mark with UK education, its ignorance and feel free to disregard my post.

 

If the board is going to look after the school's best interests it may be at the expense of worlybear. That makes it entirely possible that worly gets "fired", the ow gets "fired" and the philandering SoB stays on board, reputation and job intact.

 

Why does worlybear need time off but her lying cheating SoB of a hubby does not? Why did the board decide that? Does the ow need time off too?

 

Sorry, but she is about to get steamrolled. The board is NOT her friend. If this is left to the board's decision - they will perserve her H and throw her to the wolves. He is far more valuable to the school than she is. So she loses her job and this whole mess is swept under the carpet. I have seen this happen far too mant times in the corporate world.

 

In fact, IME, the only time a squeaky wheel doesn't "pay for it" is if that wheel makes a whole lot of noise. Or has upper level supprt. Or both.

 

I think worly needs to fight for herself. And that means make a big stinnk, to her H, the ow and especially the board.

 

No.

The School Board of Governors is a Ministry of Education-implemented authority, and they are not subject to whim and doing what they feel like doing.

There are huge wodges of rules, regulations, guidelines and legislations clearly outlining where a Governing Body's authority lies, and where their remit is limited or even off limits.

So whilst I understand your reservations and misgivings, I assure you, The Governing Body will act absolutely within the lines of their Authority, and can't pull a fast one and play tricks and games with peoples' jobs, careers or vocations in such a cavalier manner.

 

The fact that they have "permitted" the Headmaster of the School to continue in his post is probably more as a practical and legal measure, rather than a choice or decision fuelled by bias.

In such situations, (even though they have suspended the OW) the Head may well have the right to exercise his own decision in the matter, and continue attending. This might also be to maintain a stability on the staff front.

it actually can't be easy for him, morally, professionally or personally, to be in his position.

 

The Governing Body might advise, in some aspects and cases, but they can't always stipulate.

[worlybear]

Governors are meeting 2 nite to decide what to do. I have had several meetings with my husband and we are trying to resolve our own situation within the larger problems caused by his deceit.

I will post when I know any more details. Please keep posting it really helps.

[worlybear]

The Govs. meeting did not go ahead. The chair of Govs took advice from county and was told that if the Gov body discussed the case and there was later legal action taken by any of the 3 of us ,county would not foot the bill and school would have to ,out of its own budget.

There is to be a meeting at the beginning of term comprising County, Chair of Govs and my H to decide on the course of action to take.

This means that technically all 3 of us will be in school for the beginning of term.

My feelings are that if my H does not stand with me as a united front and completely give up OW then i will not return to my job as i feel that i cannot take anymore humiliation.

Without my wages we would struggle financially ,together or apart, but i feel that i have taken enough embarrassment. He is currently away at his mothers house (300 miles away ) but is coming home for xmas day.

I am glad he is away as at least he is nowhere near OW.

Xmas looms horrible and large but with a 7 yr.old and an 18 yr.old still at home ,not celebrating is not an option.

Before he went we talked and i said that he still had a home here. (He has been looking at local rentals.)

He said that he didn't deserve another chance. I said that the offer was there and we could at least try and work things out even if it meant that we ended up parting.

I am not prepared to fund him living somewhere nearby , playing at being a partner and daddy when he feels like it.

Of course the outcome of the Jan. meeting will also play a huge part in decision making.

Legal advice suggests that he might keep his job and be punished by suspension or reprimand ,but this is only advice, not fact.

Am i thinking straight ?

At the end of the day we still have a 7 yr.old to bring up. He says he still cares for me but i need positive action by him to prove this to me.

Please post.

[imagine]

 

He said that he didn't deserve another chance. I said that the offer was there and we could at least try and work things out even if it meant that we ended up parting.

Refusal to take advantage of this offer of yours is a cop out. I presume he is embarrassed and withdrawn from not being able to see OW.

Neglecting his family AGAIN shows ascendance of pride over duty.

 

 

Legal advice suggests that he might keep his job and be punished by suspension or reprimand ,but this is only advice, not fact.

Am i thinking straight ?

 

Frankly, your husband does not have credibility to serve as a moral guide to youngsters anywhere. I do not know the law in your part of the world, so I cannot judge the outcome. I merely suggest that redressing the failure in his marriage has a FAR higher priority than to his work situation.

I do pray that you would take comfort in fellowship with God. This is a real opportunity to draw close to Him.

But take note: As He answers prayer, acknowledge Him.

[signedin2008]

Is he doesn't love OW, why after all this, he is still not willing to give up this OW and still in contact with her?

[Geishawhelk]

The Govs. meeting did not go ahead. The chair of Govs took advice from county and was told that if the Gov body discussed the case and there was later legal action taken by any of the 3 of us ,county would not foot the bill and school would have to ,out of its own budget.

I suspected as much, but didn't venture to air this opinion, as obviously local area authorities differ in their approaches.

There is to be a meeting at the beginning of term comprising County, Chair of Govs and my H to decide on the course of action to take.

This is more like it.

The issue is now "official" and something will be achieved.

 

My feelings are that if my H does not stand with me as a united front and completely give up OW then i will not return to my job as i feel that i cannot take anymore humiliation.

Wait and see what the meeting in January brings.

It may be that it's not you who doesn't return to their job.....

But on an emotive and relational front, there is no question at all tht your H. should abandon the oW. Without question.

 

Before he went we talked and i said that he still had a home here. ....He said that he didn't deserve another chance. I said that the offer was there and we could at least try and work things out even if it meant that we ended up parting.

I think part of this refusal is depression setting in. I think that what he ahs done has sunk in.

I am not prepared to fund him living somewhere nearby , playing at being a partner and daddy when he feels like it.

I think in nay case, he has a tremendous amnount of work to do.....

 

Of course the outcome of the Jan. meeting will also play a huge part in decision making.

Legal advice suggests that he might keep his job and be punished by suspension or reprimand ,but this is only advice, not fact.

If it's legal advice, it's more fact than you think. They are outlining the differing possibilities, not hypothesising. They're giving you the most likely options to be placed on the table. Consider these scenarios as likely.

Am i thinking straight ?

I doubt it. But then, why would you be? You're still in shock.

 

At the end of the day we still have a 7 yr.old to bring up. He says he still cares for me but i need positive action by him to prove this to me.

Please post.

 

Please find out exactly what he means by "cares"? Is he telling you he no longer 'loves' you, but still has some kind of feelings for you?

 

You're stronger than you think, you know.

[RecordProducer]

Worlybear, I am so sorry you're going through this. I just want to tell you that the humiliation in the community doesn't exist. Your husband humiliated you and your marriage, but he humiliated himself before the community. I am sure people sympathize with you and see him and her as scums.

 

While the pain now must be immense, you might soon find yourself happier than you ever were with him. Many women whose marriages "tragically" ended, miraculously meet their princes soon thereafter, even in their 50's and 60's. The happiest couples I know are the ones who met after age 50. You probably believe now that your marriage was great, but very often, we are in denial; we think we are happy, but we are not - and we realize this only when we find true happiness, one that's easy to consume, that makes us find each day joyful, one that colors our lives with excitement and pleasure.

 

This doesn't have to be another man; it can be the newly found freedom and the ability to discover your true identity and live your life the way you were meant to live it. In the past three decades, you likely devoted your life to one man, five children, your job and your community. It probably suffocated you on the inside, while on the outside you played the role of a perfect mother, wife, neighbor, and worker. Your man is out of your life, your children are big, and your community is just one little dot on the world map. It's time to make yourself happy. You might be surprised to discover how easily and quickly you can recover from the current stress and start feeling more alive than ever. By the time your husband drops on his knees and begs you to take him back, being with him might be the last thing you'd want to do.

[worlybear]

i have been in regular contact with H. He is coming back here on xmas eve and staying in the spare room.

we have a lot to discuss but its so difficult with a houseful of family and we don't want to make xmas any more difficult for our 7 year old.

i am very nervous and still very upset. its so difficult to be upbeat and festive.

as soon as i have more news i will post.please keep replying.its a lifeline.

[jwi71]

Worlybear,

 

I hate to say this but I feel as though I must.

The one person in the most danger and with the most to lose is you.

 

Take steps to protect yourself. I will not and cannot argue Geisha on the intricacies of UK education (lucky I can spell it to be honest) - but from a management PoV - you are at risk.

 

As I see it, and I may be simply way off the mark due to aformentioned ignorance, the board will do what is best for the school. Not you. Not him. Not her.

 

I think the board drops you and keeps your H and the OW onboard. In my thinking, it makes the most sense - least risky. Heres why:

 

1) People ask questions when you replace senior people. I gather that is your H. So replacing him invites the big "why" question. Not only that, if he is otherwise well respected and does a good job, then a private slap on the wrist is sufficient. He stays.

 

2) The OW stays because she has a huge card in the game called sexual harrasment. And if they threaten to fire her its the first phrase out of her mouth. Ouch, no board wants that (you wanna see senior execs in the US turn pale, utter that phrase). So she stays.

 

3) That leaves you worlybear. The disgruntled teacher and wife of the head honcho. See...I minimized you in one sentence. Damage control of letting you go is easy. And that's why I worry about you. Its why I continue to urge you to take reasonable steps to protect yourself.

 

Yes, worst case scenario. Yes, it is entirely possible your H sides with you and the OW slinks off to another job. I do realize that - I just want you to see the other side of the coin.

 

I really hope you find peace with this as it pertains to your job.

 

Now, how are you feeling about your H? What do YOU want to happen both at work and at home?

[worlybear]

Well he turned up on xmas eve with presents. He stayed in the spare room.

Xmas day we opened gifts and i discovered he had bought me several thoughtful presents so i was hoping. x mas day was strained but passed over ok, in fact we spent the evening as a family playing a board game.

Today the older kids went out ,just leaving the 7 year old. After settling her with tv progs we had the big talk .So this is it. Quote" i'm not coming back ,i don't love you."

Lots of discussion back and fwds but he was adamant. he still maintains he wants to live in a village nearby ,by himself and doesn't want another partner/child to care for. He thought that he would see our daughter every day at school( and presumably go to his new friend to be serviced when he felt like it.)

He seemed very surprised that i didn't jump for joy at this solution. When i pointed out the hurt ,humiliation and emotional damage to me and the family he just replied that it was time he started living for himself. He is not prepared to try again just for the sake of our 7 year old.

While i understand that he no longer loves me i think the way he has strung me along is despicable.

I told him i would not be able to work at the school with him and he maintains that he will be able to afford to run a flat and our house without any money from me. (i have since decided that i will not give up my job.)

i am absolutely gutted. the kids have been brilliant and 100% behind me and can't understand how i could want him back .

he's aware that he'll probably just get a reprimand at work and that his job will probably be ok.

i'm not very proud of this next part - when i asked him why he wouldn't try again and he reiterated he didn't love me and there was no spark anymore i totally lost it and hit him.

I then told him to get out of our lives and that if he went then he would be dead to all of us.

I threw all his clothes bags at him and told him that i hope he ended up in the ditch.

7 year old came in,in tears at this point, asked him to stay and he tried to comfort her, daddy has been very silly and upset mummy and is going to live somewhere else.

i hate him. how could he be like this after all our shared times together?

why aren't we enough?

tonight i just want to die.

[Geishawhelk]

Worly, I don't know what to say.

If I could just jump in my car, ride over and hug you I would, so help me.

You may want to die right now, but hang in there.

 

The evenings are the worst, and the first few evenings are the worst of all.

 

On a practical level:

Now what you need to do is to find yourself a good friend, and immediately file for divorce on the grounds of his adultery.

When I went through this with my ex- it was advised by both his and my solicitors to not name the third party, because this would involve a bitter wrangle with possible libel/slander avenues. Just divorce him on the grounds of his adultery.

That will be sufficient. he's hardly in a position to be able to contest it.....

 

You can apply for 50% of his current pension, and if you have a shared bank account what you must do is demand 50% of the contents, then withdraw your name, and open a new account in your name only, so that he cannot touch a penny of anything you might have.

 

If you have a joint mortgage, and he has always paid the lion's share, you can demand he keeps this up, because you have a right to a roof over your head whilst caring for the minor. He must also pay child support.

 

You can expedite matters and safeguard your future by being aware and exercising your rights.

You need a friend to help you focus on the entirely factual and practical. Everything you deal with now, with regard to the divorce and separation, has to be based on Logic and Reason. No emotion.

 

On an emotional level, tell everyone and anyone you can, bare your soul and let everyone know what an utter bastard he has been. Tell everyone also that he has no intention of being with her other than for the sex because he doesn't love her.

This will get back to her, eventually.

It's bound to.

Hold your head high, fight to keep your job and do all you can with dignity and self-respect.

He's an ace-hole.

He doesn't deserve to carry on at the school.

Refuse and resist all pressure to be ousted from your job. Fight tooth and nail and take it to tribunal if anyone dares to try.

[worlybear]

Thanks for the support. Had lots of family discussions yesterday with grown up kids and extended family. They are all 100% behind me.

H has gone to ground and is not responding to their phonecalls and text messages. Nobody in the family knows where he has gone though it may be to ow's house. I can't bring myself to drive round and see as it would be pointless and he made it quite clear he didn't want me. Why am I so obsessed with knowing where he is?

None of mygrown up sons will give him houseroom. He did send a text to my son saying that he and I had had a huge row and that he had left and I was upset and angry (understatement) and that he was sorry for the hurt he has caused, What a cop out.

I still can't believe that he has walked away. He told his Mum that he was bored and disatisfied with his life ,domestically and at school and wanted excitement. We are still trying to work out how continuing to work at the same job and possibly swopping one domestic life for another domestic life is life-changing.

I hear what you say about solicitors and as soon as places reopen after xmas I will be onto it.

I am still reeling. Joined an on-line dating agency but to be honest not really interested it was just something positive to do.

7 year old not really sure what is happening ,she just wants to see Daddy. She keeps asking about him and is worried that he has nowhere to live. She is also really upset about moving schools. I don'tknow whether to leave her at school for the moment and just see what happens. We need to sell the house and I really don't want her bounced from school to school.

I am going to the docs on Monday. I think the best option for me is to get signed off from work at least until the meeting has taken place. That gives me chance to decide whether to return or not.

Everyone in the family is completely knocked out ,he is the last person that anyone expected to behave like this and treat me and the family so badly although the older children all commented on how cnical ,miserable ,bitter and twisted he has increasingly become at home and work. I was working so hard to shield him from stress as I thought he was ill that I hadn't really noticed how he was appearing to others,and just put it down to illness. How could I have been so stupid?

I feel like I'm on a rudderless boat becalmed on a lake .I really don't know how to feel and what to do.

[tuscansun]

I feel for you so deeply. ANd I am SORRY this happened to you. I could go on and on about the practical stuff you could do and those things need to be dealt with at some point, but that doesnt heal the emotional pain. This doesn't compare to your story but my boyfriend of almost 4 years started "hanging out" with one of the lawyers from his office and what started as a distraction ( i had asked for a break and he was upset) ultimately turned into relationship with new girl. Ex was my everything, we were supposed to get married, he was my first everything, but at the end of the day, he chose her. And he doesn't love her, there's no connection, he just isnt ready to deal with our problems...he wants to have fun, and she's 'fun'. I know its tough but try to not put yourself down. you may feel less attractive or less fun or not as appealing as her but you have TEN TIMES more SELF WORTH. You stuck it out with this man for Years! Gave him Children, loved him when he was and wasnt attractive....All this girl knows are the cheap thrills they both have been getting. So do NOT blame you. I say this because it took me forever to stop looking at myself in the mirror going, what did I do? I'm sure youre an amazing woman and your children will love you forever for your strength

[Geishawhelk]

Worly, you're already thinking straight. By considering going to the Doctor's and keeping an eye for Solicitors re-opening, I gather you are actually extremely sensible and have your head screwed on precisely the right way.

I would venture to opine that it's him who's falling apart and losing his sense of direction, not you.

 

He didn't count on being turned against and at one point, all this will slam into him like a demolition ball, and he'll wonder what the hell he's doing with his life.

I figure he'll come to you and cry and weep, and tear his hair out, and gnash his teeth and be full of self-pity.

And that's when you'll know, he's a total fu*kup.

That's when you know he's worthless and you're strong.

I can see it, I really can.

 

Your little girl is going to count on you for support, comfort and words of wisdom.

With the best intention in the world, speak gently to her, but tell her the truth.

Seven-year-olds are remarkably perceptive, and they're not fools.

I bet she's a bright, intelligent, alert and articulate young lady. As honest as you can be with her, she'll doubtless thank you later on.....

 

Please don't stop coming here and venting.

Rant, yell scream, protest and vent all you like.

We'll help.

Right now, with both the people around you, and us faceless, sympathetic strangers, I figure you've got a pretty strong support group.

[worlybear]

Had a really bad night with 7 yr old. Lots of tears ,wants to know where Daddy is and why can't she stay at the school.

Sent a text to him this morning -no reply ,so i left a message at school on the answer phone. He rang this morning and asked to speak to her. Told her he was ok ,he was ringing from school and that he missed her ,so at least she is a bit more settled. He was very brusque with me but thats no surprise ,considering that i threw him out on boxing day.

i think he is probably staying at school as his sleeping bag is missing and he was in school on a sunday.

i still can't come to terms with everythng. I had a long talk last night with his friend who is also a Governor and the friend thinks that he still hasn't realised the potential fall-out of his actions job-wise. H seems to think that it will all blow over at work and that things there will return to normal without any action by Govs/County and wouldn't even consider that this may not turn out to be the case.There are already vibes of ill -feeling and indignation within the parent govs towards his perceived lack of regard for his deceit and implications for his standing within school and the wider community.

Apparently he told the friend that he thought we would all 3 return to school in Jan and it would be ok. i think he's living on another planet.

i know he's left and he doesn't want to come back here to me but i truly do think he's not thinking rationally. i am worried .

i'm still a mess. Just want this awful year to be over.

Went to my oldest sons for dinner today so at least i got out of the house.

i'll be glad when the dreaded meeting takes place.

Please keep posting. its a life-line.

[jwi71]

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Yes, your stbxh is a piece of work - dropping this on Christmas.

 

1) Don't pass go and don't collect 200.00 - get yourself straight to a lawyer and get your papers filed. NOW.

 

2) Out this SoB and his sex toy publicly. Get creative. Full page newspaper ads and billboards are a start. And if that isn't the "UK Way" - at least uncover who knew what and when - you need friends and people who helped that SoB cheat on you.

 

3) Secure job / income. Tough, I would personally fight for him to be canned along with her - you did nothing wrong so YOU should stay. But that's just me.

 

4) Live. Eat. Sleep. Function. Hard at first but gets easier.

 

5) Find an IC to help you through this.

 

6) Recalculate your retirement, your finances et al.

 

7) Write the SoB out of everything, update wills, insurance policies, etc.

 

8) Do you have a hobby or passion yo have stepped away from for whatever reason? For me, I loved to fly and drifted away from it. After her A, I got back into it - man, why did I quit again?

[travelgirl]

I am so sorry you are going thru this. Your posts are so sad and you have been in my thoughts.

 

I know that as mad as you are, you are worried about your husband and his frame of mind right now. I get that. But you need to LET GO and work on yourself and your kids, especially your 7yr old. Don't worry about where he is, where he is sleeping, what he is thinking. If you focus on that, you will lose focus on yourself.

 

The hurt, humiliation, deceit are ALL out of the bag now. It is how you deal with yourself from this moment forward will shape the rest of your life. I don't believe in revenge and outing the affair in newspapers etc.. I think this will make you feel worse abour yourself. That is NOT to say your shouldn't talk to anyone about it but you need to think about your pride and your family.

 

You didn't do anything wrong, your husband did and he will soon realize that he royally screwed his life up. It isn't for you to tell him or show him. Only he will figure that out and you can't depend on when he will figure that out or think anything will change anyways.

 

Just get up everyday and try and do one thing that is moving forward in a positive way. Exercise, get your nails done, try a new hobby, take your 7yr old on some fun day trips, go to counseling, get together with friends for support, locate some old friends you haven't kept in touch with, read about how to move past from an affair, get in touch with a lawyer on your rights and where you should move forward from a legal standpoint and most importantly hold your head up high and don't let anyone talk you into walking away from your job.

 

Keep posting and venting. Good Luck and my thoughts are with you.

[worlybear]

Thanks for the posts. Went to the doctors today and i have been signed off for the 1st week of term and got some sleeping tablets.

Long day today as older daughter out at boyfriends and just 7 year old for company.

I've been in touch with loads of family to try to stop myself obsessing about everything.

I still keep re-living the Boxing Day argument in my mind .i wish i hadn't lost my temper as i have no way of knowing where H is .Have tried to text to ask about the meeting but i think his phone is turned off. i can't understand myself ,he was so horrible to me why do i still feel that i need contact him?

All the solicitors ,counsellers etc are off work until 5 th Jan.

This is such a long Christmas.

[Owl]

I've read your post from Boxing Day...and frankly, other than hitting him...I don't see where you did a single thing wrong.

 

You drew a line in the sand, and told him point blank how you felt, and what the end results of his poor choices were going to be.

 

There's nothing wrong with that.

 

You're letting him suffer the consequences of his choices...and that is a GOOD thing.

 

Discuss with your doctor's the possibility of going on anti-depressants for a while. Just to help you deal with the emotional overload you're going through right now.

 

Do see the solicitor's ASAP.

 

Try to stay busy for now...exhaust yourself with some kind of work or activity to help you deal with the stress.

 

Don't sit there and blame yourself for HIS choices and actions.

 

Oh...and stay off the dating sites for now. They won't help the situation.

 

Try to be there for your kids as much as you can be as well...this is going to be hard on them too.

[worlybear]

Had loads of phonecalls from family tonight which were very supportive towards me .The only thing is that all were unanimous in their hatred for H. Even his mum wants no further contact with him.

It hurts me to think that the man i married has been reduced to a dirty word . feeling really low tonight.

[pelicanpreacher]

Had loads of phonecalls from family tonight which were very supportive towards me .The only thing is that all were unanimous in their hatred for H. Even his mum wants no further contact with him.

It hurts me to think that the man i married has been reduced to a dirty word . feeling really low tonight.

 

As far as the physical altercation goes I'd write that off as being purposefully goaded and leave him to smart with your handprint. Your stbx's chicken's are soon coming home to roost so he'd better beware lest he find himself isolated, tarred, and feathered to "Bck ... Bck ... Bckaw" amongst cluckers of his own making!

[Billie63]

Worleybear I've been following your posts and your pain is palpable. I really wish this wasn't happening to you.

 

As for the physical violence, well, you lost control briefly and it is perfectly understandable - he got off pretty lightly if you ask me.

[worlybear]

Went to see my son today and we took 7 year old to the pictures. son is really supportive and i felt upbeatHad a text from H yesterday in response to text about had he heard any more about meeting on jan 5th . One word answer, no.

He also texted older kids to say he was ok ,was sorting out accomodation, and would let them know when he was sorted . The ironic thing is that they really couldn't care less.

its really difficult tonight. older daughter is going out for New Year ,and me and 7 year old are at home.

i'm torturing myself with the thought that H is out with/without other woman enjoying himself. i know i'm feeling sorry for myself but this is even harder than xmas.

please post ,i feel really bad and can't stop crying.