devestated

[worlybear]

Just wondering if anyone knows the answer to this . If i move out of my current home (,as H has done) and into rented accomodation with my daughters,will H still have to contribute to our upkeep, and what would happen regarding payment of the joint mortgage?

i do not want to make us homeless and destitute but i'm pretty sure that if by some miracle i can sell the property we will most likely end up with negative equity.i hate the house and its memories and don;t want to be stuck here.

Any advice? this is another huge,practical worry for me.

[Billie63]

Hi worleybear, if you both move out of the property you have to inform your mortgage lenders who would take it from there - for example if you have an loans against the property, they may call them in once they know you have separated.

 

The same thing happened with my ex and I six months ago, luckily we've got trusted tenants in the property and we didin't inform our lenders - naughty!! But we can't risk negative equity.

 

Right now, I think you're too all over the place to think clearly. Sure, your home is painful but there's children to think about here, especially your 7 year old - she's had enough upheaval as it it - please don't think of moving her out of her home - at least not until it is unavoidable.

 

Maybe you could move furniture around, paint a few walls put away nick nacks and things that remind you of your H? Make it your home now, not his.

[anne1707]

Also remember that as a joint mortgage, the building society will consider you and your husband liable - and will be more than prepared to chase just one of you for payment.

 

I think you should speak to the building society as soon as possible to discuss the situation - they will be more flexible if you do this sooner rather than later if you struggle to make payments.

[LifesontheUp]

Just wondering if anyone knows the answer to this . If i move out of my current home (,as H has done) and into rented accomodation with my daughters,will H still have to contribute to our upkeep, and what would happen regarding payment of the joint mortgage?

i do not want to make us homeless and destitute but i'm pretty sure that if by some miracle i can sell the property we will most likely end up with negative equity.i hate the house and its memories and don;t want to be stuck here.

Any advice? this is another huge,practical worry for me.

 

Don't leave get some legal advice first. Most solicitors give a free hour consultation - ask around for a good one and go this week. The market for house sales is all but dead, you may be better off staying. Get advice from a good solicitor first.

[worlybear]

:mad:thanks for the advice ,i will probably sit tight for now and see what happens. its just that i know where my husband has moved to and its a flat in an old ,beautiful vicarage. i'm just incensed that he's walked away from our home ,which we were going to put on the market ,later this year

and he has the luxury of living quietly and comfortably in solitude,leaving me with all the hassle of maintaining and marketing the house and bringing up the girls while he plays at being a single man.

Further to the forthcoming meeting , i was talking to my oldest son today and i mentioned that H had sent a text asking about post. son then remembered that he had been told by school sec that an important letter would be arriving for H c/o sons address.

as it was recorded delivery , and son was out, a card was put through the door asking for it to be collected /re-delivered.

this happened between xmas/new year.

son has now taken post reminder and put it through school letterbox.

i just hope the meeting isn't scheduled for tomorrow .the sorting office for recorded delivery is 15 miles away.

[jwi71]

Just wondering if anyone knows the answer to this . If i move out of my current home (,as H has done) and into rented accomodation with my daughters,will H still have to contribute to our upkeep, and what would happen regarding payment of the joint mortgage?

i do not want to make us homeless and destitute but i'm pretty sure that if by some miracle i can sell the property we will most likely end up with negative equity.i hate the house and its memories and don;t want to be stuck here.

Any advice? this is another huge,practical worry for me.

 

The mortgage is a contract between all signed parties - you, your H and the lender. Any modification of the contract will require agreement by all parties and I cannot see the lender agreeing to it. You might want to modify the terms, your H might even agree to modifying it - but why would the lender agree to altering the mortgage?

 

You and your H are both responsible for the payments as long as the original loan is in place.

 

You cannot compel the lender in court to modify the contract so a lawyer will do NO good in this regards. What you might have a lawyer do is force terms for you and your H to liquidate the asset under contract - ie, you sell it and split the profits 50-50 or share the loss 50-50.

 

Though I am in the US, I cannot fathom UK law being too terribly different.

[jwi71]

its just that i know where my husband has moved to and its a flat in an old ,beautiful vicarage. i'm just incensed that he's walked away from our home ,which we were going to put on the market ,later this year

and he has the luxury of living quietly and comfortably in solitude,leaving me with all the hassle of maintaining and marketing the house and bringing up the girls while he plays at being a single man.

 

Stop it.

 

Yes, he is in "heaven" now. I PROMISE you, like I said earlier - he is in fact on the Titanic. This will come crashing down in spectacular fashion. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not next month.

 

By summer, you will be single and free of him and he will be in a hell far worse than you are in now.

 

Be patient, it WILL happen. I know its of little consolation now - I went through it too. Others here have gone through it, and it invariably ends how I say it will.

 

Take care of yourself. Take care of your children. Plan for a new life and a new tomorrow.

[Geishawhelk]

There is also the uncomfortable situation where one party could buy the other out.

But I doubt either of you have the readily available resources to be able to consider this.

 

As far as I am given to understand, h will have to pay maintenance and child support.

[LifesontheUp]

I know what a rollercoaster ride this is. Seriously I would advise you get that free legal advice, you don't need to do anything with it but you will know where you stand.

[worlybear]

H was summoned to county hall this morning.He was awaiting the decision still at 5pm.

i have asked that he calls round to let me know the outcome this eve. i am really nervous both about finding out the decision and seeing him.

will post later.

[worlybear]

there has been no decision made yet and a further meeting will take place. i think H is beginning to realise that it is not going to be quite as straightforward as he hoped.

[Geishawhelk]

My heart bleeds for him.

 

The pigeons are comin' home to roost.....

 

 

How are you doing, worly?

[Billie63]

Worleybear this is so worrying for you. I for one hopes he keeps his job - it will be one less thing for you to worry about - at least you would know the money is still coming in.

 

I personally think he will come back to you eventually.

[worlybear]

felt more in control last night but took a downwards turn today. Took daughter to school and saw OW .Controlled myself but it was hard .H is currently "on leave" and i am incandescent with rage that OW is able to go into school and carry on as normal.

IF he's not allowed to go to work -why is she?

i did go out and about today trying to take my mind off things. H picked up older daughter from school and came to chop firewood.

Just talked trivial stuff. No news re. next meeting ,he's been in touch with his union ready for the next meeting. He's been told not to discuss the case on threat of dismissal. Apparently all staff will be contacted.

He was more angry than last night and i think the enforced leave of absence is getting to him.

After he went 7 yr old completely fell apart . She can't understand why Daddy won't come home. i did try to explain to her that he still loves her and that he just doesn't live with mummy,

but she will still see him ,but she was inconsolable.

it was really tough i just can't make it better for her.HELP!

[travelgirl]

Was OW dropping off kids or was she actually working? I would be completely annoyed if you and H were the ones on hold while she was still able to work. Why isn't anyone questioning this? Especially the other moms.

 

As far as H, you need to put differences aside and talk to him about your 7 year old. It doesn't matter what happens at this meeting, if he is with OW, or whatever frame of mind you are both in - HE and YOU need to sit down face to face with your 7 year old and talk to her about what is going on. She is upset and confused because she doesn't understand. Your H just bailing out on her and you without even a sit down with his daughter is horrible. He needs to be held accountable and you both need to help her. SHE should be the #1 priority for BOTH of you.

 

My husband was 7 when his Dad upped and left and let me tell you, it left a nasty nasty scar with him that is now coming out thru our marriage counseling. It was so bad, he actually ended up going to a school for emotionally challenged kids for 2 years. He became withdrawn, abusive to his mom, friends and siblings. He hated his mom when he was young because Dad left. He didn't understand and his Dad never made him understand and it made him not trust anything his mom said. I have watched this grown man sob when talking about the pain of his childhood. Things I never heard of before from the past 10 years that I have known him. He does not speak to his Dad at all - hasn't in years and could care less to.

 

This isn't all to frighten you but to make you BOTH realize how important it is to be up front with your daughter and both of you need to talk to her and have a united front on what went wrong and that NOTHING is her fault. She will think it is. "Mommy and Daddy were happy when all the other siblings were 7. How come they aren't when I am 7? What did I do wrong?"

 

Put aside everything and talk with H about what to do with 7 year old. Don't hate him, blame him or make him feel bad when talking about the kids. Just tell him the hard time she is having and that you don't want to get back together and you don't want him to move back in, but we need to talk to her about everything together and set up a temporary visitation schedule that will work for everyone and to give her some peace of mind. Then you have to make an agreement to never talk bad about the other in front of each other.

 

Please try and do this and good luck!

[worlybear]

Thanks for the good advice re daughter. i just hope i can get my H to agree. She did calm down eventually tonight but doesn't want to talk about it any more ,(at least for the moment.)Re. the OW, she was dropping her child off today but when i asked at school and also contacted one of the governors ,none of them seemed to know what was happening about her job and voluntary work and i won't know until tomorrow whether she is working at school or not. i find it absolutely incredible that she has not been asked to stay away but my H has ,under pain of dismissal.

i don't know whether i should complain to the Governing body or just wait and see what happens. If he's not considered to be fit to be in school ,why is she ?

I am going back to work next week, but I am already panicking about having to work alongside her.

[Geishawhelk]

Then register your protest, and tell them that you can't be expected to, surely, under the circumstances?

[worlybear]

:(I have contacted my union regarding the situation at work. Yesterday i was asked to have an informal chat with the Acting headteacher ,a colleague i have worked alongside for 5 years.

During the conversation it became clear that she was worried that i would have a confrontation with ow when i returned to work ,next week. She had been asked by the Chair of Govs to speak to me.

I was absolutely furious that my professional integrity was being compromised ,as there is no way i would allow myself to lose control in school in such a way!

I have now decided to get the union to speak on my behalf and i will return to school next week and stay there as long as it suits me. i have also written to the chair of Governors regarding their poor handling of my situation.

Re younger daughter, i had a talk with H last night and told him how upset she is and that she thinks that he prefers OW and daughter to Mummy

and herself. I said at least reassure her that she is more important than OW 's child.

He did talk to her and she is a little happier for the moment ,although desperately sad that life is so different. She is ,of course, having to endure kid's gossip at school.

H is not back at school. He is not allowed to discuss the situation but the Acting Head has just had her contract renewed ,so i am drawing my own conclusions re. possible suspension.

Our financial future hangs in the balance. Union rep thinks there must be other charges as well ,as adultery is not usually considered a sackable offence.

What an absolute fool H is- to throw everything away for a quick fix with a sl**!

[wowwee]

Hi Worlybear, I haven't read all of your story but think I have the gist. I agree with someone else when they said that your child has to be the priority in this.

I have been on the other side of this story as the OW. For me, it wasn't a happy place to be either. I don't know the details of the situation between your H and the OW but why are you so angry with her? Do you know what happened with her and your H? At the end of the day, he is the one that has betrayed you so be angry with him.

The OW probably isn't looking forward to working with you any more than you are with her. Couldn't you talk to the acting head teacher calmly and just explain that it'll probably be easier for the both of you if you spend as little time together as possible for the time being? You need to present yourself as calm and rational if you want the acting head to not worry that you'll 'lose it' with the OW.

I believe that when you change one big thing you should try and keep everything else the same as far as possible. I think this is probably even more important for children. For the sanity of you both, try and keep everything else the same. Try to maintain the routines that you have, stay in the house and keep doing the same hobbies/things as much as possible.

Also, are you certain that you don't want to work things through with your husband? Does he want you back?

Its important that you have time to be upset and angry with your husband. Make sure you get some time for yourself and accept genuine help wherever it is offered.

[Geishawhelk]

Hi Worlybear, I haven't read all of your story but think I have the gist.

Ah, the perils of skimming.

No, I'm not sure you do....

I have been on the other side of this story as the OW. For me, it wasn't a happy place to be either. I don't know the details of the situation between your H and the OW but why are you so angry with her?

Because she is a member of the School Governing Body. A body of people (the majority of which) are elected by the children's parents....

 

Do you know what happened with her and your H?

They had an affair, but crossed boundaries big time.

The OW probably isn't looking forward to working with you any more than you are with her. Couldn't you talk to the acting head teacher

The acting head teacher is standing in for the Original head teacher, who has been suspended.

The OP's husband, in other words.

 

calmly and just explain that it'll probably be easier for the both of you if you spend as little time together as possible for the time being? You need to present yourself as calm and rational if you want the acting head to not worry that you'll 'lose it' with the OW.

She has done exactly the right thing by Contacting the NUT and requesting they represent her and act on her behalf.

Furthermore she was right to lodge a complaint of no confidence in the way the Governing Body handled the situation.

 

For the sanity of you both, try and keep everything else the same. Try to maintain the routines that you have, stay in the house

He's already moved out. His choice, not hers.

 

Also, are you certain that you don't want to work things through with your husband? Does he want you back?

She would, he doesn't. He made that clear from the word 'go'.

[anne1707]

Wowwee

 

Can I suggest you read the thead in full before you post then you may realise there is more to this than you seem to understand.

 

 

 

Worlybear

 

If you are reading this, I hope you and your daughter are OK. Remember - there is genuine support here for you if you need it.

[wowwee]

From your replies, I don't think I missed much other than the bit about her husband not wanting to work things out with her.

I know that he has already moved out. What I'm saying is, she should try and keep everything else the same so she can cope.

I understand that the OW was elected by parents. However, at the end of the day, it is the husband that has done the wrong thing. It is the husband that now has been suspended. Yes, maybe there is more to this. He is probably the one in a more senior position so ultimately should be more responsible than the OW.

Don't these school governers have to get voted in again every year/term or so? I doubt anyone will elect her the next time the opportunity arises anyway. For the time being, she needs a way to work alongside this woman. Therefore, she needs to offer possible solutions to the acting head.

[anne1707]

As a school governor, the OW has failed due to her relationship with the headmaster. The headmaster reports to the governors. As such, the governors are his boss. So sorry, her actions have contributed towards a serious conflict of interest and she should resign immediately. I can assure you that if the relationship between the two was not an affair, i.e. both single before it started, it would be standard practice for her to resign.

[Geishawhelk]

However, at the end of the day, it is the husband that has done the wrong thing. It is the husband that now has been suspended.

He has been suspended because as an appointed head teacher (appointed by an Education body, and drawing a department of Education Governmental salary) he has compromised his position as someone trustworthy, who can be relied upon to act according to his job specifications.

The OW is a Parent Governor, is appointed by parents usually for a term of 2 years, and has therefore very little protection other than that of the Chair of Governors.

 

But they both did something very wrong.

It most certainly wasn't just him.

It takes two to tango.

I have very little patience with people who deliberately set out to have an emotional affair with a married person, i think it is selfish, disrespectful and dishonest, so don't get me started.

 

For the time being, she needs a way to work alongside this woman. Therefore, she needs to offer possible solutions to the acting head.

 

The Governing Body - which includes the head, or acting Head - should most certainly have suspended this woman right from the moment the situation was uncovered.

Worly has every right to lodge a formal protest.

 

Having been a Parent Governor myself, I can categorically say there is no reason whatsoever why they should not have done this. Parent Governors do not fill a permanent or vital role which would need maintaining, or give rise to disruption in the event of suspension or resignation.

[wowwee]

There is a document about the law for governors. http://www.governornet.co.uk/linkAttachments/GGTL_v12_1456.pdf

Once again, I have only skimmed it but it doesn't sound like it is easy or quick to sack a governor, particularly one that has been elected. Isn't the headmaster also a governor?

Either way, she still has to find a way to work with the OW for the time being.

I'm not saying the OW hasn't done the wrong thing. I'm saying that her H is the one that owed her the loyalty and not the OW; school issues aside.