devestated

[worlybear]

it would be difficult to change the existing arrangements as i have no close friends or family nearby.

re younger daughter staying with H , I have already suggested this to her and she fell apart and got very upset. I just can't do that to her ,so for now i'll just have to manage by having minimal ,indifferent contact.

[Lucky_One]

You may want to try reading at MarriageBuilders.com. It sounds like you need some help putting together (and keeping!) a solid Plan B.

[Billie63]

it would be difficult to change the existing arrangements as i have no close friends or family nearby.

re younger daughter staying with H , I have already suggested this to her and she fell apart and got very upset. I just can't do that to her ,so for now i'll just have to manage by having minimal ,indifferent contact.

 

Oh bless her.

 

Do try to harden your heart to him in the short term. Think back to that day when he told you he didn't love you anymore, the nights you lay crying alone when he was with here. The coldness of him and how could he do that to you?

 

When you have to have contact with him, treat him like an irritant you want out of your life - if you pretend to feel something for long enough, you start to feel it for real.

[travelgirl]

Even if you can't see it, you are moving in the right direction. Going to he doctors is a must and I am glad you are doing it. Little contact is good and the fact that you are catching him off guard is what he needs. Keep it up!

 

I don't think your DD moving in with H is a good thing though. I think she needs her house/bedroom and you need her around to keep yourself from sinking any lower. You both need each other.

 

The one thing, I would probably change is H coming inside the house to babysit. He wanted to move out and get his own flat - so it isn't his house anymore, it is YOURS. He shouldn't be there AT ALL. Have him pick daughter up in his car and have her go out to his car. I would ask for his keys (via email - not person) and if he puts up a fight, say he can keep them if you have a set of keys to his flat. And like another poster mentioned, stop calling it babysitting. Not sure if it is you or him doing this but they are his kids. I would call them visits and set up his visitations weekly. As much as you don't like it, he should be bringing the kids to his place, not staying at yours. It is confusing to everyone and he gets his cake and eats it too. Don't text or call him to confirm visits. You are not his mom, he needs to be responsible for his own kids. If he doesn't show, he needs to talk to his daughter about why he didn't come. I wouldn't even get in the middle of it. At least not at this point.

 

If he starts to see new changes in you, he will probably try and push you back in the previous direction you were in. DON'T LET HIM. Stand your ground. And if he starts questioning his decisions, don't move an inch. Right now you are desperate to get him back and will do anything to do it but it will backfire if you let your guard down too soon. So keep up the positive un-attached attitude right now. If he wants to talk to you, DON'T. If you give in quickly he will know it was all fake. Let him know you are serious. Because in all honestly, if he did come back right now and you let him, you would not be happy with yourself.

[worlybear]

Thanks for the advice. H looked after daughter after school .i continued to be cool ,polite and dis-interested.

i picked up older daughter and brought her home.

Spoke briefly to him and said thanks. older daughter has asked him to pick her up from work tonight.

He looks quite puzzled . He chopped wood(again!) and said he cleared up some dog mess from the garden. No comment though i was tempted!

After all its just what he landed me in.

i will try hard to take your advice.

[Billie63]

You're stronger than you know. I feel rather proud of you worlybear!

 

Slowly slowly catchee monkee!

 

My ex and I have been apart 8 months now, he had someone else waiting in the wings. it's a different set up from you because truly, we had fallen out of love with each other.

 

But I was devastated nonetheless and obsessed about him and her for a while. And he and I had some awful scenes - I didn't slap him like you did, I cut his clothes up! Oops.

 

Anyway, I forced myself to cool off and keep contact to a minimum (we jointly own a property so we have to have contact). God the times I bit my tongue! The times I wanted to get on the phone and scream at him. I didn't know I had such willpower!

 

Eight months down the line, things aren't going so fine with his new girl - I don't know all the ins and outs but he's calling me more and sharing jokes and telling me he misses me.

 

If I wanted him back I could have him.

 

I believe and truly hope this will happen to you but you have to play it clever.

 

If I'd run after my ex and looked like I couldn't have coped, he'd have felt sorry for me but he wouldn't have wanted to get back with me.

 

So bear that it mind. Bite your tongue.

[worlybear]

Thanks for the posts. have asked older daughter to arrange lift on monday with her dad and she is going to ask him if he wants to see younger daughter over weekend. if he does he needs to text time to drop her off./pick her up to me or her.(older daughter.)

[worlybear]

Had a text yesterday asking if he could call at 11 today.

when he came in i asked if he was taking younger daughter out or back to his flat. he looked very surprised. he decided to take the dogs for a walk (!) and he and daughter were gone 1 and a half hours. i busied myself with painting and when they came back i made hot chocolate but pointedly got on with making the sunday dinner. he stayed a little longer then said he was going to see oldest son and no i didn't invite him for dinner!

this is not easy but i am trying to take your advice. he looked tired and older today.

i could still kick him for being such a fool.

[anne1707]

Good for you Worlybear. Ths is taking back control of your life and every time you do this, you will feel a little bit stronger.

 

I also suspect there are a few of us out here on LS who would also like to kick him for being a fool

[allcriedout2]

Slowly slowly catchee monkee!

 

Just love this saying: you should use it as a mantra!

 

Have been wondering how you are. Well done so far. There's a long road ahead but at least you're on the right track. Stick to it, it's the only way to turn things round. It worked for me, when I finally stopped chasing he wanted back. Don't forget to look after yourself.

[travelgirl]

Good Job Worlybear - it will get easier and honestly, don't you feel a little better about yourself??? Getting up from being a doormat and taking control of yourself and your life is REALLY REALLY hard work but you can do it and the more you move forward, the most self esteem you will have.

 

I hope you and your daughter are doing well. There will be some crappy moments still but don't let them keep you down. Good Luck!

[worlybear]

:sick:i'm having severe sunday night wobbles so to stop myself texting H i am posting on here. heavy snow is forecast and i'm praying that it will snow as it means i won't have to face the dreaded monday ,as school will be shut. it will probably just sleet though.

just me and younger daughter tonight and its nearly her bedtime.

i desperately want to talk/text H but i know it would be silly as it would just show him how desperately lonely i am. i take some comfort from the fact that he didn't look great today so i don't think he's as happy as he thought he would be.

i was doing okish until this evening. i've spoken to all the older kids and now i'm trying to keep myself busy ,half-watching kid's dvd, reading and posting on here but its difficult not to sink into gloom and despair.

family have told me to focus on myself and i did buy an ornament i liked yesterday but i can't bring myself to buy new clothes etc although i am making an effort with makeup .it all seems a bit pointless though. i can't put my fears for H's job and the future to one side.i just wish at least i knew what was happening with his job.

[anne1707]

It sounds like everything that has happened over the last few weeks is beginning to catch up with him. But it is all his own doing. Don't give in and text him. If you do, you will only kick yourself later.

 

Instead after your girl has gone to bed, why not run yourself a hot bath, get a glass of wine and a good book and have a nice long soak. Pamper yourself.

 

And if you need us later, we're here for you.

[Billie63]

:sick:i'm having severe sunday night wobbles so to stop myself texting H i am posting on here. heavy snow is forecast and i'm praying that it will snow as it means i won't have to face the dreaded monday ,as school will be shut. it will probably just sleet though.

just me and younger daughter tonight and its nearly her bedtime.

i desperately want to talk/text H but i know it would be silly as it would just show him how desperately lonely i am. i take some comfort from the fact that he didn't look great today so i don't think he's as happy as he thought he would be.

i was doing okish until this evening. i've spoken to all the older kids and now i'm trying to keep myself busy ,half-watching kid's dvd, reading and posting on here but its difficult not to sink into gloom and despair.

family have told me to focus on myself and i did buy an ornament i liked yesterday but i can't bring myself to buy new clothes etc although i am making an effort with makeup .it all seems a bit pointless though. i can't put my fears for H's job and the future to one side.i just wish at least i knew what was happening with his job.

 

Hi worley, yes it's snowing outside - isn't it beautiful?

 

The reason he's looking so tired is because he's worried. He's seen the change in you and it's tipped him off balance. Before, he was in control. Even though he didin't want to come back, in the back of his mind he knew that he could. Now you've got him wondering. That's a good thing worly. Please don't call him!!! Do anything but that. You are not alone in your feelings, I wanted to call my ex so many times, somehow I stopped myself.

 

Think of this as a long term project - don't succumb to short term satisfaction. If you call him you will not feel better. Let him wonder.

 

When he calls and asks to come round, don't just say yes, ask him 'what do you want?' and try not to be there when he comes round or at least let him in with your coat on and a wave, 'Sorry, can't stop I'm late' and leave the house. Even if it means you going for a walk round the park on your own.

 

This is game playing at its most manipulative and it works. But it only works if there's any doubt in his mind that he was right to leave. If he's truly fallen out of love with you, there are no games you can play to get him back.

 

But you two have so much between you, I suspect there is still a part of him that's still in love with you - he just needs to see it.

[worlybear]

:confused:Thanks for the continued support. school is shut due to snow so younger daughter and i have just got back from walking the dogs across the fields.

dying to text H so here i am again to stop myself. have already texted /spoke to family. older daughter has texted him re. not picking up tonite(she's at her boyfriends and her school is shut too.)and he has asked her to check that uni interview is still on. i think i'm going to hide my phone so i don't give in to temptation.being sensible is soooooo hard.

[Billie63]

:confused:Thanks for the continued support. school is shut due to snow so younger daughter and i have just got back from walking the dogs across the fields.

dying to text H so here i am again to stop myself. have already texted /spoke to family. older daughter has texted him re. not picking up tonite(she's at her boyfriends and her school is shut too.)and he has asked her to check that uni interview is still on. i think i'm going to hide my phone so i don't give in to temptation.being sensible is soooooo hard.

 

what do you want to say to him?

[travelgirl]

I agree. There isn't nothing you need to say to him right now anyway. It is hard but you are doing great. Enjoy the snow with your daughter today. Kids LOVE snow days. Go have fun, make a snowman, snow angles, try and laugh and make her feel good. It will make you feel good as well. Then sit and drink hot chocolate and watch a good movie with her. Do each others nails and hair and other silly stuff.

[worlybear]

had a phone call from acting head this afternoon.

on Friday when i was teaching,i told a naughty boy off for being spiteful and poking a girl sneakily with a ruler. i was cross and shouted at him and banged the ruler on the table and made him apologise to the girl.

told acting head about it. it is not an unusual situation or response and usually i would be backed.

Schoolwas shut today due to snow but acting head claims that parents have complained about my anger. she also had another go at me about being angry at the staff and herself the other day.Bottom line is i have been suspended for 3 days as county have been informed (by acting head.)

g ot my union on it straight away and they have backed me to the hilt. union agree that school are trying to get rid of me because of situation with H. Union says that she can negotiate a job move if thats what i want.

had a phone call from vice chair of govs .put my side of things and she has told me to turn up as normal and says she will back my application for fulltime job at school.

eventually managed to speak to H to discuss school.

i have been told quietly by union that if i am redeployed it may be easier to reinstate him.

he was quite remote.he told me that ow had not complained about me and county were setting me up by implying she did.. i did not have the energy or patience to argue.

i just feel wiped out.

i was doing so well picking myself up and now it all seems so pointless.

bizzarely i have been asked to work on friday when my suspension finishes.

i feel very alone. H seems quite indifferent to this latest development. i just wanted him to show a spark of anger and support on my behalf .

he says i should fight on but i feel so down. i am fed up of facing traumas at work.

at the end of the day he still has his flat, his new life with her and probably his job.

i know he will pay mortgage etc but its not enough. i'm fed up of playing silly games and he seems more distant than ever.

politely concerned as if i were an acquaintance but not prepared to fight my corner. i know he is not able to do much but his shrugged attitude of what did you expect was very hard to take.

i truly have lost him to ow.

[worlybear]

went to see a friend this morning. took daughter to drop off Hs birthday present from her .(she was up at 7 wrapping it.)

needless to say he was out. youngest son turned up at home and looked after her whilst i looked around another primary school for my daughter. i wanted to check that there was space for her as its now an option, i'm considering.

feel very low. please post.

[anne1707]

Worlybear

 

I cannot believe the school's approach to you. It does seem like they are trying to find a way out which will minimise bad press for them. Keep talking to your union rep - and keep a clear head. A transfer to another school (for both you and your daughter) may well be the best thing for you both so you can get away from all those reminders but you want it be on YOUR terms, not some bureaucrat trying to save face for the school.

 

Stay strong

[jwi71]

had a phone call from acting head this afternoon.

on Friday when i was teaching,i told a naughty boy off for being spiteful and poking a girl sneakily with a ruler. i was cross and shouted at him and banged the ruler on the table and made him apologise to the girl.

told acting head about it. it is not an unusual situation or response and usually i would be backed.

Schoolwas shut today due to snow but acting head claims that parents have complained about my anger. she also had another go at me about being angry at the staff and herself the other day.Bottom line is i have been suspended for 3 days as county have been informed (by acting head.)

Last time but you are in the most danger of losing everything.

The school has proven time and again NOT your friend.

Your stbxh is NOT your friend.

The OW is certainly NOT your friend.

 

When will you decide to fight for your job and fight your life?

 

g ot my union on it straight away and they have backed me to the hilt. union agree that school are trying to get rid of me because of situation with H.

Look, the longer you allow the school, your H and the OW to call the shots the harder it is to win. In all honesty, what the hell has the union actually done for you. What have they accomplished? It sounds like nothing.

 

I hope and pray you decide to get mean. Its YOUR life on the line. Get ANGRY. Get a lawyer and get the PRESS. They can only do this because YOU ARE PASSIVE. Get active before its too late.

 

If you are reacting to a situation you are already behind.

 

Union says that she can negotiate a job move if thats what i want.

Is it? Your H and his OW certainly want you out - they're working hard enough at it.

 

i have been told quietly by union that if i am redeployed it may be easier to reinstate him.

At least getting run out of your job is slightly better than getting fired.

 

he was quite remote.he told me that ow had not complained about me and county were setting me up by implying she did

Misdirection. If I were actively working to get someone fired I would say something like this too. Its designed to isolate YOU. It limits your options and makes you feel hopeless. It drives YOU away. Which is what they want.

 

WAKE UP.

 

.. i did not have the energy or patience to argue.

i just feel wiped out.

I know. Its palpable in your posts. I also know that what I am saying isn't prolly well received - but it is what you need provided you want to keep YOUR job.

 

What do YOU want worly? If you could script the ending...what would you write?

 

i truly have lost him to ow.

No. I don't think so. You lost him to himself.

 

I know it all SEEMS lost. But it doesn't have to be that way. It MAY be possible to keep your job - but being passive and allowing your enemies to manipulate events diminishes that chance by the day. So, you need to figure out what YOU want.

 

The squeaky wheel gets the grease...you need to be heard...and not by the school and not by the union (a toothless tiger if there ever was one)...by the public.

 

ESCALATE.

[travelgirl]

Worlybear,

 

Enough is enough. No more playing the victim. No one is standing up for you, so YOU need to stand up for yourself. Don't let them shoo you out with your tail between your legs. You are telling me, you would leave the job you love, the school your daughter loves so your cheating backstabbing husband and his OW can keep their jobs??? Come on, SNAP OUT OF IT!! You need to change your sadness to anger and get motivated. You don't need to transfer, YOU didn't do anything wrong. You need to fight this. Your union rep is doing NOTHING but talk. Time to take action. Get a lawyer involved. Find out how many actual legit complaints are coming in. I find it hard to believe all these moms out there are complaining about you and not OW, if they know the situation. Do they? Who really knows the situation. Demand to know what the outcome will be. It has been over a month and nothing is resolved. What the heck kind of school is this? Something isn't right here. What actions can you take to expose that they are trying to run you out so your cheating husband and his mistress can stay? Stop talking to the acting head, go above her and get answers. Be forceful but stay calm and rational. No need to be emotional and wimpy with them. They will walk all over you - they actually already have. They think you are depressed and losing it emotionally and if you keep acting like that, they WILL get you out of that school.

 

You say H isn't standing up for you at all. He doesn't even care they are pushing you out the doors. He cheated on you, left his family, is seeing another women and doesn't care you are losing your job because of his actions. You are his wife and he just doesn't care. So why are you standing up for him? Why are you STILL giving into him, talking to him, letting him call the shots personally and professionally. Who cares if he keeps his job. At this point, you should hope he loses his job. Stop worrying about the finance excuse, he doesn't seem to care. Time to get angry worlybear, time to make changes. Time to stick up for yourself. You have had plenty of time to be sad. It is time to turn this around.

 

You can come on here and keep posting all the sad things that are being done to you, and yes it isn't fair but you need to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT or nothing will ever change.

[Billie63]

Worley this is all too much. All you've got to deal with and this stuff at work is not helping at all.

 

I don't understand how you can't get boiling angry and fighting back - not just to save your job but in order not to be sidelined.

 

Maybe it would be easier for you to bow out and find another job elsewhere - but if you love your current job I don't see why you should do that.

 

You should not tell H anything. He is not on your side right now. Right now you are an irritant. Stop regarding him as your confidant - eveything you tell him he is repeating back to her, believe me.

 

This is all so unfair. Look after yourself love.

[pelicanpreacher]

I think that the more prudent course of action would be to thoroughly investigate deployment options presented elsewhere, especially if the pay is better. At the same time, collect what you've documented regarding the affair as well as your complaints to the union rep and treatment at the school by your peers and headmaster throughout this ordeal. Combine this evidence with exerpts from your daughter's diary and once you're safely out of reach of the offending parties involved, blitz the county's parents with your documentary and sit back to watch the furor visit upon your stbx, his OW, the headmaster, and all others who've taken advantage of this situation to foment trouble for you during your darkest hour.

 

By the time that they figure out what you've done to them their personal reputations will be ruined, their future professional employment prospects in the teaching field will be shattered, and they'll know that the next time they decide to play with someone's life they'd do well to think twice if not thrice before getting froggy again! In the meantime in between time I'd suggest you get your mind around the fact that you are on your own physically, emotionally, and financially and must plan and act in accordance to those facts to make a future for you and your daughter.

[worlybear]

o.k i hear you all loud and clear. the last 2 days have been horrible but i have come to some decisions.

1. i am applying for the job just to show that i may be down but i'm not beaten and if there is a conflict if i am appointed then i'm not going anywhere. H will have to move.

2. i have checked out another school for younger daughter as an alternative option. she is adamant that she doesn't want to move at the moment so i'm leaving her where she is for the time being until the professional view is clearer.

3. i am continuing to use H as transport and child sitting for as long as it is necessary and the girls want it.

4. i am NOT going to the press. i know English law and i would end up looking like an embittered ,wronged,emotional wife and my family would be publicly embroiled in it.

5. i am biding my time re the treatment i have been getting at school and i will have my day-lots of plotting and planning here so that i will have an iron-clad case with evidence and damages and 100% legal backing.

 

i am receiving counselling and i have decided that this is not the time to make major decisions ,regarding family ,H ,and job. i am not planning for the future ,just concentrating on the present and getting through.

Thanks for all the posts , i do read them all and even if i don't agree with them it gives me a fresh perspective and makes me look from a different angle. please keep posting.