Ignoring problems: Good or Bad?

[ThisGuy85]

I'm going to try to give you a quick version of the story. My mom Got pregnant very young. After the baby (me) was born, My dad decided he didn't want anything to do with either of us, And left. My mom then meets guy #2, Gets pregnant again and has my brother. They stayed together for a while, But eventually decided to split up. He took my brother with him when he left. My mom decided it was for the best, Because she was having a hard enough time taking care of me. Later on she got in contact with him, And tried to set up some form of custody agreement. He responded by telling her that if she ever tried to find them, he would take my brother and go into hiding (at least that's what she told me) This all kind of confuses me. Mainly because if she didn't try to find him, She definitely wouldn't ever see him again. But if she made some attempt, Then she would at least have a 50/50 shot of finding them. So why not at least make an attempt, If she really cared?

 

Anyway She meets guy #3 (my step dad) and ends up getting married. He can't have kids, So I grow up as an only child. Years go by with no word about my brother. My mom refuses to talk about him, And every time I would bring it up, She would quickly change the subject. So throughout my child hood we had to just pretend that he didn't exist. Fast forward to last year. I had been living on my own for several years and was making decent money. I tried again to get my mom to look for my brother. She refused but did give me all the info she had on them. So I decided that if I was to ever find him, I was going to have to be the one to look. After investing a lot of time and money, I finally tracked him down. I let my mom know that I had found him. Unfortunately she still wants nothing to do with him. As she explained it to me, It was a bad memory, That she didn't ever want to think about again. She even forbid me from contacting him, Saying that he would want to talk to her, But she wouldn't know what to say.

 

My thoughts on this were, You should have thought about that before you brought him into this world, So I called him anyway. It was great talking to him. Imagine not knowing your sibling throughout your life, And here you are talking to them on the phone. Things were great until he started asking about our mom. I knew he was going to, But just figured that I would cross that bridge when I came to it. So finally I gave him her number. I'm not sure if this was wrong of me to do or not. On one hand, She needed to talk to him, Whether she wanted to or not. But it wasn't really my place to force it on her. So I hang up and an hour later get the phone call from my mom. I'm thinking that she is going to tear my head off, But instead she thanked me. As it turns out, He didn't ask her any of the questions that she was dreading. Instead they had a great conversation and got caught up. In fact here it is almost a year later, And he still hasn't said anything about it to her. This has me very confused. I know that if I was to ever meet my real dad, The first thing I would say is "Nice to meet you, Now explain yourself!" But they have successfully danced around the subject for a year now. I guess I should be happy that they have a great relationship now. But I can't help but wonder, Why he hasn't asked, Does he not care? I'm all about leaving the past in the past, But how can you not care, And just let something like that go?

 

I have always had a hard time ignoring problems and pretending that their not there. To some people it's easy to do, But for me I would rather face them head on and get them resolved. I just really don't know what to think about all of this. I refuse to ask him about it on the phone, To me that would be crossing the line. I don't want to cause unneeded problems, So I'm just going to ask you guys. What's your take on this?

[amaysngrace]

I think your mom sounds unstable and didn't instill peace in you about your father's absence while your half-brother's father sounds more stable than your mother and has spoken to your brother about the situation in a way that doesn't leave your brother asking questions.

[Geishawhelk]

I think you need to take a step back and let things unfold and develop in their own way.

You did the best thing possible, and fortunately, it went your way.

As you intimated, it could easily have backfired on you.

 

You have absolutely no way at all of knowing everything that has gone on, what's been said, by whom to whom.

If I were you, I'd be thinking - "My work here is done. It's up to them now."

 

And let it go as it goes.

[2sure]

You were right in giving him your Mom's #.

 

Your Mom apparently had so much pain over the loss of her child - and her decision not to find him - that she felt it eas all better left behind. Adoption is like that too.

 

Problems should be faced head on. For your brother, if he hasnt "confronted " her - maybe there is no problem. Or he considers it under the bridge and sees no point in bringing it up. Maybe someday they will talk about it. It is also possible that his father is a sore spot they both wish to avoid, and talking about the "circumstances" would focus more around him than the mother/son relationship they lost.

 

Since it bothers you, and he is your sibling - why dont you ask your Mom some questions? Since she has now spoke to your brother, maybe it will be easier to talk about.

[RecordProducer]

Hey TG, I must say I admire your intiative and courage to come to the root of this. You re-united your family in a way. Bravo!

 

I totally see your point and don't understand your mother. I just don't understand how she could give up her child. What happened to seeing him regularly or even occasionally if they lived apart?

 

To asnwer your question, I think your brother got answers from his father that satisfied his curiosity. Another possibility is that he doesn't want to ask any rhetorical questions such as "How could you abandon me?" Is there really a legitimate answer to this question?

[MN randomguy]

I think your mom sounds unstable and didn't instill peace in you about your father's absence while your half-brother's father sounds more stable than your mother and has spoken to your brother about the situation in a way that doesn't leave your brother asking questions.

 

 

+1

 

Your mother seems like she's got some things going on. Your brother's dad at the time might have been all about protecting his son. She my be imagining lots of hostility towards her that your brother simply doesn't have. Maybe after she had the pleasant surprise of a son that was eager to get to know her she doesn't want to stir anything up and drive him away. I agree. Be glad you've got your brother back.

[ThisGuy85]

First off I would like to thank you all for your intelligent and well thought out replies, This is the reason why I like coming to this forum.

 

I think you all have pretty much hit the nail on the head, Regarding my problem. My mother is an unstable person in the fact that she can't deal with her problems and chooses to avoid them. On the other hand, my brothers dad was abusive, both verbally and physically. From what he has told me, He isn't even on speaking terms with his father, At the moment. So that very well may be the reason that they don't want to talk about the past. Also I'm glad that you all agree with what I did, I had been concerned with this for a while. Sure things turned out great, But if they hadn't, I'm sure I would have started questioning myself and feeling guilty, For making it happen.

 

I would also like to touch on what [amaysngrace] had said, About not having peace concerning the absence of my father. What I went through during my childhood has made me who I am today. I am very proud of the person that I have become. But not a day goes by that I don't wonder about my dad. question like, "What kind of person is he?" or "Do I look like him?" and "Would he be proud of me?" Run through my head, All the time. I've asked my mother lots of questions about him, But much like with my brother, She avoids them. Sometimes she'll say things like "I already told you, You have a dad and he loves you (referring to my step dad). Your "real" dad doesn't care about you!" It kind of hurts to hear, but it very well may be true. So I guess I do still have many questions about my biological father. Which is probably why I'm having a hard time understanding, Why my brother doesn't want to know about the past.

 

Hey TG, I must say I admire your initiative and courage to come to the root of this. You re-united your family in a way. Bravo!

 

Another possibility is that he doesn't want to ask any rhetorical questions such as "How could you abandon me?" Is there really a legitimate answer to this question?

 

Thanks RP! Courage is definitely the right word. It took me three tries, before I actually called him. I would dial the number and hang up, Dial again and hang up again. Even after I called and he answered, there was part of me that just wanted to say "Hi, my names blah blah, Are you happy with your current long distance provider?"

 

As far as that rhetorical question goes, You have a very good point. I hadn't even looked at it that way. There is not really anything someone could say, To justify abandoning their child. At least not in the abandoned child's point of view.

 

I guess the only thing I can do is as Geisha put it "Take a step back and let things unfold in their own way." This is something that I cannot control. So I'm going to try to just be happy, That things have worked out, And hope for the best.

 

Again, Thanks for all of your advice!

[amaysngrace]

But not a day goes by that I don't wonder about my dad. question like, "What kind of person is he?" or "Do I look like him?" and "Would he be proud of me?" Run through my head, All the time. I've asked my mother lots of questions about him, But much like with my brother, She avoids them. Sometimes she'll say things like "I already told you, You have a dad and he loves you (referring to my step dad). Your "real" dad doesn't care about you!"

 

It kind of hurts to hear, but it very well may be true. So I guess I do still have many questions about my biological father. Which is probably why I'm having a hard time understanding, Why my brother doesn't want to know about the past.

 

How do you know he doesn't care about you? Your mom remarried. He might not know her name now. Unless he has resources to hire someone to find you please don't assume he doesn't care. The truth is he doesn't care for your mom and your mom doesn't care much for him. You don't know if he cares about you or not. That has not yet been proven.

 

Have you ever actively tried to find your father? You may have said that already in the original post and if so, sorry I missed it.

[ThisGuy85]

How do you know he doesn't care about you? Your mom remarried. He might not know her name now. Unless he has resources to hire someone to find you please don't assume he doesn't care. The truth is he doesn't care for your mom and your mom doesn't care much for him. You don't know if he cares about you or not. That has not yet been proven.

 

Have you ever actively tried to find your father? You may have said that already in the original post and if so, sorry I missed it.

 

When I said that, I what I meant was. It hurts me that my mom would say these things to me. She knows how bad I want to meet him, But says things like that in an attempt to make me not like him, And ultimately stop asking about him. But on the same note, I have to prepare myself for the possibility, That he may not care about me.

 

To answer your question though, about trying to track him down. the story behind my dad is still very unclear to me. My mom has her version of the story, But everybody else in my family has another. You see my mom was sixteen when she had me, That I do know. But from what everyone else in my family has said, she was... Umm... We'll just say a wild child, If you catch my drift. Now she swears up and down that the guy she was dating at the time, Is my father. But from what my grandmother has said, She never believed that he was my father. This was mainly because, She has said that I look nothing like him. My mom is average height for a girl, The guy she said is my father, was actually Quite a bit shorter then average. they both have blond hair and blue eyes, From what I've been told of course. Now Here is the problem with that, I'm 6'2, I have dark brown hair, And hazel eyes. Now I'm no expert on genetics, But I would think that I should have shared, At least some of his features. This is the main reason why I haven't tried to find the guy yet. I don't know what I would do if I finally found him, And it turned out that he wasn't actually my father. I just don't know if I could handle that.

 

One of these days though, I'm going to man up, And start looking for him. I just hope for my sake, That the guy I find, Is in fact the one I'm looking for.

[amaysngrace]

I don't mean to come down hard on your mom but she's being really selfish. She's not giving you answers because they are too painful for her to have to think about them. Tough crap. She chose her life. You didn't choose yours.

 

You really should know who your father is. 100% without a doubt know who your father is. Not only are you missing out on having a relationship with your dad, you are being left in the dark on things that you need to know. His health history, for example. You should be aware of what health risks you face because it runs in your family. This way you can make informed life-style choices to ward off things like diabetes or heart problems.

 

Your mom didn't think your brother and she would form a relationship and she was wrong. She is wrong about not letting you know who your biological father is too. Do you realize your father may not even know about you?

 

You don't need to man up. Your mom needs to woman up in my opinion.

 

What gives her the right to treat you this way? She's your mom. She's suppose to protect you. Instead she is protecting herself from situations she created that she doesn't want to face.

 

That's a whole lot of crap.

[quankanne]

some of what you've explained makes a certain sense to me why your mom chose certain actions: If an abusive partner threatened her, and if she felt the only way her child would be safe was to "abandon" him, believe me, as much as it would have killed her inside, she'd do whatever she had to to ensure his safety. Especially if she felt powerless against her partner.

 

fast forward to your brother not wanting to do anything with his dad, but openly embracing y'alls mom without hesitation or question: If he lived with an abusive SOB of a daddy, it would go to say that he might be more open-minded and compassionate toward his mother, because he understood what she was up against. You cannot expect your brother (or your mom) to act a certain way simply because you have not lived their experiences, and you really need to be mindful of that. Sure, your brother could hate your mother, and be a total jerk just like his dad ... but he's chosen not to take that route ... it sounds like he's wanting a relationship that doesn't involve what he had with his dad. And it very well may be that he wants a relationship with his mom more than he wants to vilify her, you know? Trying to create drama on his behalf just because you don't agree with what's going on – it just makes it harder for everyone all around, especially if he's already got things resolved in his mind.

 

What gives her the right to treat you this way? She's your mom. She's supposed to protect you. Instead she is protecting herself from situations she created that she doesn't want to face.

 

or maybe in her way of thinking, she *has* been protective of each of her sons, even though on the outset we don't get that. Part of reconciling the past is learning to forgive what cannot be changed. Would she have done it differently if she understood that she possessed the strength to fight for the child she gave up or let her other son know the truth about his dad? Possibly ... but that's not what OP needs to be focusing on. Rather, he needs to figure out what he needs to do to move forward, not villify someone who did the best that she could with what she had at that time.

 

there, but for the grace of God, go I ...

[georgejungle]

everyone deals with things in their own way.

they move at their own pace. you may like to

get stuff out on the table, first thing...Maybe he

doesn't care so much and just understands how

things went.

 

i'm like you, i like to get stuff out. but everyone is

different.