Unhappy, Lonely and Confused: If I'm lucky he's home 2-3 days out of a month

[MsAngel]

Hi,

This is my first post here. For the past year I have been unhappy with my marriage. I've been married 9 years. Looking back I was too young and "settled" for what I thought I needed to do on this "timeline" I had. So right after college I married. I do love my husband, but our lives have drifted apart and in different directions. Right from the beginning I made more money than he did and basically have always been the responsible one. He never plans for our future or makes major decisions I think we need to do together. And he doesn't seem to have any aspiration to advance in his career.

But in 1999 due to economic reasons he took a job with a company that requires him to be out of town alot. I didn't want him to take that job for that reason. He insisted it was just temporary and that he'd continue to look for a job closer to home. Well... that day has never come. He doesn't put forth any effort to look for another job even though when he's home he constantly complains about the job he does now. If I'm lucky he's home 2-3 days out of a month. So I feel that my life is just passing me by when we should be together doing the typical married life and starting a family. I miss the time we used to spend together prior to him taking this job 4 years ago. And he can't quit the job without finding a new one due to finances. I've expressed how I feel to him, but he gets defensive. It's to the point I've started to contemplate getting a divorce and have even told him I can't go on this way for another year. I love him but I want to be happy. I'm tired of coming home after work and being alone. I feel like I'm single without any of the benefits of being single, but yet I'm married without any of the benefits of being married.

When he is home he absorbs himself in the computer or playing video games. Last year I had to unexpectedly go into the hospital. He didn't even take off work to come back home. When I was discharged to go home, the nurse kept asking "where's your husband?" It was embarrassing to say he wasn't coming.

So I'm torn between wanting to remain with him because I care for him, or leaving so I can maybe get my romantic life back on track and find a true partner. Don't get me wrong... I'm not the type to put my happiness on others. I have friends, I work, I have hobbies and my family. But as far as a meaningful relationship is concerned, I'm not happy with what I have now. When I've mentioned my feelings to him he basically guilt trips me because he's insecure and makes me feel like I'd be deserting him and he needs me (yeah... like he needs me to make sure the bills are paid while he's gone, the house is clean, someone cooks for him when he's home cause he doesn't make an effort to do that, etc.) Any advice or anyone out there that has been in a similar situation? What did you do to make it better for yourself?

 

Thanks,

MsAngel

[Clancy]

I'm a husband who is rarely home, perhaps four days a month. I took a job in another town away from my wife. I can't say we have the same situation as yours, our kids are mostly grown and my wife agreed with my choice. The plan for us is that I'll eventually move back home too when the right job comes along.

 

I don't think my wife is as sad about this as you are. She looks forward to my trips home and always welcomes me warmly but she seems to accept it ; at least she doesn't complain to me. I know though if a job in our town ever opened up and I didn't apply for it she'd be upset with me. Nonetheless, I did look forward to the freedom and psuedo bachelorhood the move would afford me. Mostly though I find myself not enjoying this.

 

As for you I think you need to see a good counsellor. It'd be best if your hubby came too but start by yourself. It really does sound like beyond geographical distance your relationship is suffering from some very profound problems relating to emotional distance. He's obviously too far away in every sense to hear and understand the messages you've been giving him. And there's likely a good chance that your relationship ended some time ago and his moving away the way he has is just a way of not being in a marriage without having to go through the messy part of breakup and divorce. Good luck.

[NEONINK]

"If I'm lucky he's home 2-3 days out of a month."

 

It's not a marriage, it's a living arrangement for him....

 

You are honestly saying he's home 2-3 days out of the month, and then he gets on the computer or video games?

 

You are married to a teenage boy who happens to work... Sorry!