Does your BF have hot female friends?

[ClassiFemme]

My boyfriend of 4 months just found an old friend on facebook and has been spending lots of time hanging out and talking with this friend via text messages and telephone, which would not bother me at all except for the fact that this friend is female and she is gorgeous.

 

I trust my boyfriend and I do not think for one second that he would cheat on me, but I had a horrible experience in the past where I got dumped for a hot female friend, and I've been traumatized ever since.

 

I'm having a difficult time because every time my boyfriend mentions her name (which is often), or I know that he's hanging out with her, it literally burns me up inside... I just am totally uncomfortable with my man spending time with and being so close to another pretty girl. The crazy part is that I don't want to make a big deal of it because I DO trust him and even though it makes me uncomfortable, I don't want him to end his friendship. I just want to somehow magically be okay with it. Any suggestions?

 

I also know that this friendship would not bother me at all if she was already in the picture before I met him, but that is not the case.

[Gremio]

This has only come from experience, and I'm a male. I was in a three year LTR when my SO came into contact with "an old friend from high school". I was very uncomfortable with the situation, and I am not dumb. One month later she left me for him, slept with him exactpy five days afterwards, then came crawling back saying she made the biggest mistake of her life. Of course I didn't take her back. It was the hardest decision to make but also the easiest.

 

I don't believe that's what you wanted to hear but it is coming from someone who has had it happen to them.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

This seems extremely suspicious...having what is basically a date with another girl? No way!

[XNemesisX]

I'm sorry but SCREW THAT!!

 

Go with your gut feeling on this one....my bf had a "friend" whose pics with him on facebook were a little more than friendly looking and my suspicions were correct. She was a friend alright...one that he had had plenty of good times with in the past if you know what I mean.

 

Keep your eyes open! Don't feel like you have to force yourself to be okay with this. YOU DON'T. If a girl is even halfway decent looking, a guy will have sex with her easily if she is willing. I don't mean to sound crude, but it's true. Watch out.

[movingonandon]

If a girl is even halfway decent looking, a guy will have sex with her easily if she is willing.

 

To this I can only add that more than 50% of all women are "even halfway decent looking" or better .

 

the problem here is not that she's hot, but that he's hangin out with her, which means that even if nothing hockey is going on, he's probably open to this, at least subconsiously. I'm a guy, and if I'm commited to my girlfriend, I would limit my interactions with other women (see above )

[georgejungle]

No Good. Not Cool.

 

Your BF knows what time it is...He knows what

he's doing is not cool, but will try and hide it all

behind the "We're just friends, chill out" excuse

if you protest this friendship.

 

You've only been with him 4 months, not enough time

to really REALLY call it serious. If you really dig him, i'd

bring it up and talk it out, if he's weird or uncool about it,

walk away.

[bobbeepin]

Oh god. My b/f and I had this same experience, he was hanging out with a girl from work, ella, and she was decent looking but not gorgeous or anything like that. but she'd come over to his house and hang out with him and his roomate every day for hours. Everytime i tried to say something to him about it he'd excuse as me just being jealous.

If you ever hang out with the two of them, pay attention to how she acts towards him, which is a HUGE indicator of what is really going on. You will be able to tell if she has a thing for him. I could very much tell that ella wanted more than a friend relationship with my b/f, but i convinced myself to trust him and not get dramatic about it. BIG MISTAKE. He went to a party with her one night, without me, and got too drunk to drive home, so he stayed the night. While my guy was sleeping on the couch ella climbed in with him, and they hooked up. He blames this all on alcohol and swears up and down that he doesn't even know why he did it. Guys are really bad at temptation, and if given the chance it's very hard to say no to a girl, even if she is only half decent looking of you.

Tell your guy you don't like it and are uncomfortable, and DO NOT let him excuse it of you just being jealous. Put your foot down.

OR get a guy friend to hang out with just as much as he hangs out with this girl. It might be immature game playing, but he will get the idea.

[MsDazed_N_Confused]

Hi classifemme, have you tried suggesting the 3 of you meeting up for dinner or whatever? As you are his gf he should want you to meet his friend, and if she is just a good friend she should be wanting to meet you. If he wants to keep the 2 of you apart or if she is not interested, i think you should be aware...

[MusicChick24]

I know EXACTLY how you feel.

My boyfriend of three years is surrounded by hot female friends, this is a guy that has more female friends than male ones.

I've been in your fear and went through the same traumatizing situation. So you are not alone by any means.

 

The best advice I can give you is to observe your situation. It's one thing to have gorgeous friends, but does your bf act like he would rather be with them? I'm sure you would be able to notice this behavior if you witnessed it. I mean guys flirt, my boyfriend flirts all the time, but follow your gut if you feel that something isn't right reconsider your man.

[Phateless]

I disagree with all the others and I think they are basically "war-mongering." People here like to jump to conclusions and make big deals.

 

YES you should trust your gut. It seems that you have a pretty good handle on the situation. You trust him, you know rationally that things are ok, and you've identified and are owning your own feelings. You are way ahead of the curve. Well done.

 

Our SOs will always have friends, sometimes attractive ones. There's really nothing you can do to prevent it, only dialogue and try to come to an agreement. His reaction to your calmly saying "I love you and I trust you, but I'm a little uncomfortable with you spending so much time with her. What do we do?" will tell you a lot.

 

I have a gf and I also have a lot of hott friends, but none that I spend a lot of time with. I do have a couple that I talk to pretty regularly though, and I know it makes her a bit uncomfortable, but she trusts me. She also was cheated on in a previous relationship.

 

I also have a close friend that I used to date, but I know that I choose to be faithful. Just because she's hott doesn't mean I won't be able to control myself.

 

Oh, and my ex left me for her "friend" that she hung out with every single day. We had a lot of arguments and discussions about him. Trust your "spider sense."

 

My advice?

 

Calmly tell him that you're a little uncomfortable with this and you want his help to work through it. His reaction will tell you everything.

[m-j]

I'd love to find out how this situation ended up - that post was from 2005 - are you still out there ClassiFemme?

[sugar_and_spice]

If a girl is even halfway decent looking, a guy will have sex with her easily if she is willing. I don't mean to sound crude, but it's true. Watch out.

come on, do no guys have any self control or what?

[m-j]

I am having problems with my boyfriend's extremely sexy female best friend too.

 

I spoke to a male friend about it and he said that guys with girlfriends need to just avoid getting close to other girls at all costs because guys and girls CANNOT just be friends. He told me that if he was drunk and he had the chance (i.e i was willing too) he would probably try to sleep with me. Sad, isn't it? I just don't believe all guys are like that.

 

The thing is, my boyfriend was friends with this girl before I started dating him so their friendship has already been forged, probably deeper than MY relationship with him this early on.

[ella23]

I am having problems with my boyfriend's extremely sexy female best friend too.

 

I spoke to a male friend about it and he said that guys with girlfriends need to just avoid getting close to other girls at all costs because guys and girls CANNOT just be friends. He told me that if he was drunk and he had the chance (i.e i was willing too) he would probably try to sleep with me. Sad, isn't it? I just don't believe all guys are like that.

 

The thing is, my boyfriend was friends with this girl before I started dating him so their friendship has already been forged, probably deeper than MY relationship with him this early on.

just because your male friend would try it on with you, really doesn't mean your bf wants to sleep with his female friend.

 

tell this male friend to speak for himself. If your bf was already friends with her, it is more likely that they do not intend to be together, that is why you are in the picture now.

[m-j]

My only problem is the physical side of their friendship. They hold hands, peck on the lips, snuggle and everything together. She is really sexual and affectionate (towards me as well) and he doesn't have a problem with it because he tells me he would never touch her sexually (..again. they hooked up before I started dating him).

 

I just wish they would respect my boundaries (i.e things I believe they shouldnt be doing together)

[m-j]

oh did i mention he cheated on me 3 months ago with his other female friend (not his BEST friend, but a female friend nonetheless)

 

...and they cant understand why i am having trust issues?

[ella23]

oh did i mention he cheated on me 3 months ago with his other female friend (not his BEST friend, but a female friend nonetheless)

 

...and they cant understand why i am having trust issues?

If he's cheated before then it's completely different and I understand your worries. Have you told your bf your concerns about him holding hands with and snuggling with this friend? Being friends is one thing, getting touchy-feely and that too openly is another.

[m-j]

Yeah I have. They both think i am being unreasonable because their friendship is nothing like his and the previous girl's.

 

I'm actually getting exhausted with that whole topic, the three of us are. Hopefully soon we will come to some sort of compromise. We are planning on moving out together with a fourth person (a male friend of ours). We are all friends but my insecurities and their open affection really is getting us down.

[ella23]

Yeah I have. They both think i am being unreasonable because their friendship is nothing like his and the previous girl's.

 

I'm actually getting exhausted with that whole topic, the three of us are. Hopefully soon we will come to some sort of compromise. We are planning on moving out together with a fourth person (a male friend of ours). We are all friends but my insecurities and their open affection really is getting us down.

that is ridiculous. if they get physical then you have every right to be upset. Why are you still with him?

[m-j]

well, they just have held hands and cuddled and he told me the other day if they peck each other on the lips it should be fine because he does it with his sisters and it means nothing. i know he is just trying to ease my worries but i think he is getting very frustrated by now that i wont accept that nothing is going to happen between them.

 

we both love each other very, very much and we all just want to sort this out. his friend is upset at me because she thinks i am stealing her best friend away from her.

 

if their friendship is completely asexual, i am just jealous of it, really. I have had guy friends before that I can share moments with (exchange song lyrics, share dreams with, express unconditional love for each other) but it has ended up with them thinking they are in love with me. So i naturally think my boyfriend is going to fall for his friend eventually one day. Sometimes i think they would make a better couple than me and him.

 

But then they BOTH convince me that my boyfriend is desperately in love with me and his friend tells me she has never seen him like this with anyone else....and then i just look like a whinging bitch.

 

i want someone to magically remove my jealousy and insecurities, please!

[ella23]

well, they just have held hands and cuddled and he told me the other day if they peck each other on the lips it should be fine because he does it with his sisters and it means nothing. i know he is just trying to ease my worries but i think he is getting very frustrated by now that i wont accept that nothing is going to happen between them.

 

we both love each other very, very much and we all just want to sort this out. his friend is upset at me because she thinks i am stealing her best friend away from her.

 

if their friendship is completely asexual, i am just jealous of it, really. I have had guy friends before that I can share moments with (exchange song lyrics, share dreams with, express unconditional love for each other) but it has ended up with them thinking they are in love with me. So i naturally think my boyfriend is going to fall for his friend eventually one day. Sometimes i think they would make a better couple than me and him.

 

But then they BOTH convince me that my boyfriend is desperately in love with me and his friend tells me she has never seen him like this with anyone else....and then i just look like a whinging bitch.

 

i want someone to magically remove my jealousy and insecurities, please!

well, of course there is always a chance that he might cheat, that could happen even if he wasn't so close to her.

If you want to stay with him despite this, fair enough, but the peck on the lips and snuggling are warning signs imo.

It is possible that they are just friends and this is innocent, but they must stop it if it makes you so insecure. Just have a chat with them, tell them to cut it down a bit.

If they don't listen, well, then you have to wonder if he really cares about you.

Just make sure you don't regret staying with him.

[m-j]

Yeah, a final talk is in order i think.

 

Final as in, if it doesnt get sorted out then I will have to leave him.

 

I'm REALLY hoping i wont have to, but if i think about the fact that he might not respect me and might not CARE about me --- i really lose interest in him anyway.

 

Im becoming a bitter old woman by the tender age of 21!! No, i am still a hopeless romantic.....i just want to find a good man to love and have fun with and get married and have babies.

[Phateless]

oh did i mention he cheated on me 3 months ago with his other female friend (not his BEST friend, but a female friend nonetheless)

 

...and they cant understand why i am having trust issues?

 

Everything from here on out is YOUR fault for staying with him. He's given you all the red flags. Get out.

 

NOW.

[m-j]

Well everyone, good news!!!!!

 

I had a talk to my boyfriend last night, it went really really well. He basically just said that he isn't interested anymore in who did what against whom (re: me and his friend) but just that it has been really immature and he is embarrassed that I would even question his loyalty towards me and then bring one of his friends into it.

 

He said that he has been asking more of me than his friend because he thinks our relationship is deeper and can withstand more than his and her friendship. He thinks his friend is being very protective and that she is stupid to enter a debate on who is more important to him out of her or me because she knows, he knows, everyone knows who he will choose (me). He said he is afraid that if things keep going this way that a gap will grow between him and his friend if she continues to have a problem with me being the most important girl in his life. He said he is worried he will lose her and that is why he is being a little harder on me and i said "arent you worried about losing me?" and he stopped everything and just stood there. he stared at me for a very long time and i spoke and he said shh.

 

then he said how dare you threaten me. he said (very slowly) i have been speaking on the idea that there isnt a chance i will lose you, but if there is, then we need to be having an ENTIRELY different conversation.

 

Well, i just shut my mouth...and fell in love again.

 

He loves me guys....i am the most important girl in his life. His best friend is important to him, but I am his GIRLFRIEND. He wants to spend his life with me.

 

So now he needs to go and have another talk with his friend to see if he can sort something out and let her know where her boundaries are.

 

But now, i really dont want them to lose each other as friends. I realy dont. So I will just have to keep doing everything I can to make this as smooth as possible.

 

I'm pretty happy!!!!!!!!!

I was just over-reacting the whole time.

 

But having said that....this is just for my situation - the guy actually was being honest and loyal. I guess there still are some douchebag boyfriends out there.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Sorry, but I think you need to get out of that as soon as possible. Why does he care so much about losing this friend that he snuggles and cuddles with as well as holds hands with (and kisses on the lips)?? Because he has feelings for her and probably wants to **** her. I would get out of that as soon as possible.