jos007za Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 Well, i am hoping that maybe someone can shed some light on my situation, so here goes. I suspected about a year ago that my wife was having an affair. Firstly i find an sms on her phone (in front of her) that says, "hope u have a gr8 evening, i hope we see each other tomorrow..love u" She grabs the phone out of my hand and says there is nothing there an then later says she sent it to a lady friend of hers. I then have a golf day but theres a music concert on that evening which i cant attend (so she goes with a lady friend) and lastly we go with friends for supper and when we return home at 11h30 pm she then all of a sudden runs out of the house looking for tampons at a shop...and returns an hour and a half later. I then get her phone bills online and to my disgust she shes been in regular contact with a guy from work (supposadly my pal) and they have been sms'ing and calling each other on average 12 times a day (they work together) and especially when im out of town or fall asleep at night. I obviously confronted her about this and she and the guy deny everything. After alot of fights she then says but it was only friendship. I also happen to find a number of a guesthouse on her bill on the night of the music concert which she foned, but she says she received a missed call and it was the guy at works family that stayed there. I snooped around an then guys family was no where near town that day and after more snooping i found out that he was there with another lady and he paid with his credit card that evening. Since then she has denied having a sexual affair an that it was only friendship but every now and then more stuff pops up, ie, an email that i find in her handbag which she grabs and destroys (but she says its nothing) a voicemail on her fone while i was out of town late at night. and i find on a spare fone at home, all the dialled, received and missed calls are deleted, but the call log shows that a prepaid card was used andf charged and that "someone" sent text messages and received text messages from this dudes number. She denies ever using the fone and cant understand why the numbers are on there (i cant see what the number was that sent the messages, the call log only shows a time, the number and the type of connection). My wifes fone is a mystery and hardly on, and if on, its on silent (a change to what she always used to do with her fone) and i have said, i want to carry on with the marriage (she does too an that she loves me and doesnt wanna lose me) but i need to stop asking questions about what happened last year and that they didnt sleep together and gets very angry when i do bring up the topic. What do i do..anyone? should i believe nothing happened? and all i want is the truth..anyhow, if anyone can give me advise, id appreciate it Link to post Share on other sites
Gremio Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 This isn't what you want to hear but I will be blunt: If you have to ask this here, you already know the answer. It's blatantly obvious. Especially that she gets "very angry" when you mention the subject. That means she is being defensive, not annoyed that you brought it up. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 Im sorry something did happen. I can't tell you if it was full blown but it does sound that way. If she can not be honest about it; it may be time to seek a separation. You are going to have to get firm and let her know you know. If you seem unsure she will just deny it. How long have you been married? Do you have any kids? Do you own a home together? Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 It's like this: She has earned your distrust. She has proven completely that she has forsaken you for someone else whether sex was involved or not. You need to decide on what you are going to do from hereon in. Make no hasty decisions. The easiest route emotionally is divorce. You can file but don't necessarily have to follow through. Key here is - no threats - DO. The next route is to announce to all her friends and family plus OM's family that she is having an affair. She is at least having an Emotional Affair (EA). People don't always understand the meaning of this concept but it is every bit as destructive as a PA. Again, do NOT warn her -DO IT. The second route follows the "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley program. Invest in this book. You can also read the articles at marriagebuilders.com for sound advice. Please do not waste further time. You will need to keep us regularly posted. Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 I forgot to mention: She will be spitting mad on exposure. Don't fight it. You tell her that you are fighting for your marriage and walk away from further discussion. By the way, there are lots and lots of WW behaviour that can be predicted. Its all in the book. Link to post Share on other sites
Winnie B. Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 It's like this: The next route is to announce to all her friends and family plus OM's family that she is having an affair. She is at least having an Emotional Affair (EA). People don't always understand the meaning of this concept but it is every bit as destructive as a PA. Again, do NOT warn her -DO IT. Imagine, Read once again your advice. ---If he follows your advice, He won`t gain much . Only laughters from the family members and friends. Hidden laughters for sure . Wife has an affair with someone else . Is not it funny and worth gossiping? This is what all friends will do . My advice to the author is TO TALK to her and discuss the situation, though no need to pressure,as then she becomes defensive as you say, so just give her time,but time to time talk to her and talk to her seriously ... You need lots of patience if you do not want a divorce,but to work the situation out . Do not tell anyone about your suspicions. All will laugh and gossip behind your back though in face they will be sad . Best of luck ! Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 Well, i am hoping that maybe someone can shed some light on my situation, so here goes. I suspected about a year ago that my wife was having an affair. Firstly i find an sms on her phone (in front of her) that says, "hope u have a gr8 evening, i hope we see each other tomorrow..love u" She grabs the phone out of my hand To me that says it all right there. If I don't have anything to hide, I wouldn't be snatching my phone away from my gf if she is checking it. I'd simply ask what she is looking for. So that is telltale alone. and lastly we go with friends for supper and when we return home at 11h30 pm she then all of a sudden runs out of the house looking for tampons at a shop...and returns an hour and a half later. An hour and a half trek for tampons? It doesn't take someone the length of a movie to go to the store for tampons unless the store is an hour round trip drive. I then get her phone bills online and to my disgust she shes been in regular contact with a guy from work (supposadly my pal) and they have been sms'ing and calling each other on average 12 times a day (they work together) and especially when im out of town or fall asleep at night. And I take it she never told you about it. yes, I'd say without a doubt she is cheating. I obviously confronted her about this and she and the guy deny everything. After alot of fights she then says but it was only friendship. Well if its only friendship, then she wouldn't have hid the fact she texts him back and forth. They are lying and screwing each other. Since then she has denied having a sexual affair an that it was only friendship but every now and then more stuff pops up, ie, an email that i find in her handbag which she grabs and destroys You have all the proof you need in her reactions. Pack her stuff and kick her out of the house. And call the other guys wife. Or better yet, show up at their doorstep and if he answers the door, tell him you want to speak to his wife. Watch him piss his pants. I don't even need to comment on the rest of what you said to know your wife is an huss. I think you need to man up, and do what you know needs to be done. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 My advice to the author is TO TALK to her and discuss the situation, though no need to pressure,as then she becomes defensive as you say, so just give her time Give a cheating wife time? Ya, time to pack maybe. Link to post Share on other sites
Gremio Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 Give a cheating wife time? Ya, time to pack maybe. Off topic but can't send PMs. Watched episode 11 of Dexter last night... wow what an ending. I didn't think it was going to happen to soon. I am dying for the 14th! Link to post Share on other sites
In Like Flynn Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 Short of a lie detector test there is nothing you can do. The way she acted and the things you already have found out....tells you that there was more than a friendship. Its up to you to decide if you can move forward with her now and if you believe she is remorseful and wants to be with you and put this behind you. Unless she breaks down and tells you more you are stuck. Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 ---If he follows your advice, He won`t gain much . Only laughters from the family members and friends. Hidden laughters for sure . Wife has an affair with someone else . Is not it funny and worth gossiping? This is what all friends will do . Thank you for highlighting this Winnie. You are quite correct when you observe that humiliation can be the result. An effective approach should be employed so as NOT to look like a nutter. An e-mail may go something like this: "I have learned that my W has been unfaithful in conduct with OM. I am trying to preserve my marriage and would appreciate any prayers and support for our family. I would be grateful for any influence that you may have to arrest this horrible situation. Attached is one of many such sample messages sent to OM." Link to post Share on other sites
Author jos007za Posted December 10, 2008 Author Share Posted December 10, 2008 Well, I must say, it has been a long and difficult year and a half (yea I am still here with her) and I really do appreciate the comments. I know that any decision that needs to be made lies in my hands, but dang it's a tough decision. It's just so strange how she say's she loves me and she wants to carry on, but I CANNOT talk about what happened last year (I think mainly due to her story thats changed a hundred times on certain events). Anyhow, thanks a stack all Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Josh, If the roles had been reversed, do you honestly think that your wife would have accepted such disrespect, humiliation and betrayal from you that you had been accepting? It seems obvious that she was cheating on you and now she wants to sweep it under the rug. She has had her fun with your friend (which makes it a double betrayal) and now after treating you like a complete fool she wants to go back to normal. Her actions indicated that she knew you would do nothing and she was correct. She has little respect for you and knows how easily it is to manipulate you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Off topic but can't send PMs. Watched episode 11 of Dexter last night... wow what an ending. I didn't think it was going to happen to soon. I am dying for the 14th! Ya well dont tell me, I haven't watched it yet!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Babylonia Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 Your problem is you love a woman who is committing adultery and she doesn't give a fig that she is humiliating you; she does not respect you. Your wife thinks you will believe anything (you probably have in the past; so she has a reason for thinking the way she does), and she enjoys your loving her while she enjoys the flattery of another person's attention. A woman who loves her husband does not have much or anything "to explain," because she has few or no contacts that are not a part of normal daily life and easily explained. Her behavior sounds a lot like mine was in the early stages of my long adulterous relationship, except that my husband was far less interested in my activities than you are in your wife's. Little by little, I learned how to hide and cover up the truth. It was easy for me to tell him lies because he didn't care to delve so much into the little contradictions that popped up in my lies. I had fallen in love with the person whom I began cheating with, and, as it turned out, my husband hadn't seemed interested in me because in fact he had had a mistress for about six years and was enjoying himself so much he had forgotten I had eyes and ears, a memory for facts, and a heart, too, during which time I suffered so much with longing for his passion and love I nearly went crazy. I fell in passionate love with the person who comforted me during this period. Don't go crazy. Remember, you are owed an explanation that makes sense. Ridicule her explanations that don't make sense; laugh at her: she deserves it, and if she persists, secretly go to a lawyer and tell him all about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 You asked twice if you should believe your wife. The answer is absolutely, NO. Link to post Share on other sites
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