My Mom is making me feel so guilty

[Mapper71]

I am 2 weeks away form turning 37 and I still feel like my Mom has such a hold on my life. I am one of 2 kids and my sister lives about 2000 miles away and we haven't seen her in 13 years because my Mom has a problem with her husband and my sister won't come up because she feel unwelcome. My Dad died when I was 14 and I feel like I have been the stand in spouse since then. She wants me to go to things with her because she won't go alone, I have to fix things for her, help her out around the house, etc. I have been dating my fiance for 4 years now and we have been long distance for 3 years. I haven't moved to be with him because I don't want to disappoint my Mom. I currently live about 10 minutes form my Mom and see her twice a week and talk with her every day. She depends on me for so much and is so afraid to do anything new. I know I am her best friend. She doesn't go out and she doesn't initiate calls to anyone. I told my mom a month ago that when my lease is up in April that I will be moving to be with my fiance, 2000 miles away. It doesn't make sense to marry someone you only see 6 weeks out of the year. She is not happy about it but at least she's better than she was 2 years ago when it first came up. Back then she said such hurtful things as "Is it too late for you to find someone here" "I should have had more kids so some would stick around" and "I'll be too busy crying when you leave to do much of anything". Those words were very hurtful to me. It seems like she wants me to give up having my own life to be with her. Now she still talks as if I'll be here for the entire year and hasn't said one word about me leaving. Meanwhile I'm getting quotes from moving companies, doing my resumé and looking for jobs all unbeknownst to her because she doesn't want to talk about it. She's capable to do just about anything she wants but fear gets the best of her and I have extreme guilt about the whole situation. She would NEVER move and she's not to the point where she would need assisted living (she's told me she'd rather be dead than leave her home). My question is, am I a bad daughter for leaving my 76 year old mom by herself to go and have my own life?

[JamesM]

You choose to allow your mother to "make you feel guilty." No one can do that without your permission.

 

You choose to take care of your mother despite not really wanting to because it is the easy way.

 

There is nothing wrong with WANTING to care for your mother, but when you do so out of guilt...and then become angry, it is a choice that you make. No one is forced to do anything.

 

Having said that, the use of guilt as manipulation is a powerful tool. Standing up against it requires some fortitude that many children feel is then considered almost parental abuse.

 

Funny thing is...if you actually became assertive with your mother, the two of you may actually end up with a really good relationship...as opposed to the one you have now.

[georgejungle]

You can't feel guilty. It's not fair to you. You

love her, she knows you love her, she's capable

of doing things for herself, but why should she when

you're always there for her???

 

You're not abandoning her by moving and getting

married. You need to live your own life, girl!

 

Is it too late for you to find someone here" "I should have had more kids so some would stick around" and "I'll be too busy crying when you leave to do much of anything".

These are very selfish words on your mother's part. It's

totally uncool and not fair to hurt your feelings by saying

these things. If my mom said this stuff to me, it'd make

me want to leave quicker. But seriously, i refuse to be

made to feel guilty. My mom used the guilt trip a lot of my

life. In my family, they don't just come out and say what

they want, they make you feel guilty so you cave in and

do what they want. And I USED to cave in. But not anymore.

Not when i have my own life anf my wife and baby. You are

starting your own life with your Fiance. If your Mom doesn't

like it, that's her problem. I know you love her, but you

have to cut the strings a little. She's taking advantage of you

whether she knows it or not. It's not fair to you.

 

 

Funny thing is...if you actually became assertive with your mother, the two of you may actually end up with a really good relationship...as opposed to the one you have now

I agree witht his 100%. Your Mom may even respect your

wishes. Subconciously, she knows her guilt trips work. It's

kinda selfish. Your Mom is going to have to learn to walk on her

own. No one can make her. She'll need to combat her fears

on her own. By you doing everything for her, it's like YOU

are the Parent. It should be the other way around, where

she actually wants you to be happy.

[2sure]

Hmmm. Well, I believe, like most cultures do - that children should eventually care for their parents if needed. Old age happens. Sickness happens. Many elderly people are abandon, alone, uncared for and its a problem all over the country. Its a heartbreaker.

 

That is not to say that you should give up your life for her. She was a single mother to you and your sibling. I suppose she should have remarried, but it doesnt always work like that. Certainly, she should not have alienated your sibling. She should have realized that she would need care and not burned that bridge. As hard as it is, with people moving around the country for jobs - many of the elderly have to make changes to their lives that they dont like or in some cases deserve.

 

Your Mom is 76 years old. Even if she can drive, and is relatively healthy - thats old.

 

But you should be with your future husband. Your mom may have to face the fact that her children will not be caring for her. Who will ?

She may have no choice but to move to assisted living near your new home.

[pwincess]

maybe you should tell your mother that you need to be with your fiance but you also need her in your life and ask her to consider moving with you so she does not feel left out of your life. tell her you want to make this work and it would mean the world to you if she does this for you.