Thinking of leaving for the OW? Think again.

[Confoozed]

Consider this a cautionary tale for those of you who might be considering leaving your wife for another woman. Beware: the grass is not nearly as green as it looks from where you're standing right now.

 

How do I know this? Because I jumped the fence last week.

 

I posted here a while back looking for advice and feedback on whether I should leave my wife of 23 years for a woman I'd been cheating with for two years, or stay and try to save what really was a good marriage.

 

And I got lots, and a lot of it good. I was urged to ditch the OW and go no contact, work on my marriage and save my family and myself a world of hurt. I was told that my feelings for the OW weren't real, that she wasn't my soulmate or the love of my life, that the emotional bond and intense passion we shared was the product of the type of relationship it was and not much more.

 

In the end, I ignored it all.

 

Before I go on, I'll quickly recap my story for the benefit of all you men who think your situation is different. I met the OW at work. We hit it off, became close friends, and a little more than two years ago, began an affair. We connected emotionally and physically, and believed we had found each other's soulmate and love of our life.

 

I've read a hundred similar stories that ended with the realization that it wasn't all that it seemed, but I have always insisted on believing my story was different.

 

My wife discovered the affair about a year after it started but agreed to forgive me and move on. Ten months later, she discovered it hadn't ended. Again, I managed to convince her to give me another chance.

 

A little more than two months ago, I left her and my two teenage kids for a life with the OW. I changed my mind the next day and two weeks later moved back home. My incredibly gracious wife was prepared to give me one more chance, so long as I agreed to severing all contact with the OW and going for counselling. I did.

 

For the next several weeks, I struggled with my feelings for the OW. I sought advice on this forum, but refused to accept it. I wouldn't accept that she wasn't all I thought she was. I wouldn't accept that the longing I felt for her would go away soon enough if I gave it the chance. I was still sure I loved her and still sure I would be happier with her, even if it meant giving up my kids -- with whom I have (or had) an amazingly close relationship -- my home and lifestyle, and the support of my extended family.

 

And so I renewed contact with the OW a few weeks back and we began to talk about the possibility of a life together. I wasn't certain I could leave but thought that I'd know one way or the other by the end of December.

 

But I never got the chance to decide. My wife drove by the OW's house while I was there last week, and long story short, it's over. I'm out of the house, away from my kids, away from the woman to whom I'd been happily married for more than 20 years.

 

It's been five days now and the regret grows by the hour. I seriously wonder if my feelings for the OW were ever all that real. They sure felt like it, but they don't right now. I can't sleep and I can't stop thinking about what I've lost. I feel lost, not knowing what's real about the way I'm feeling and not knowing what the future holds for me.

 

One thing I know it doesn't hold is another chance. I blew the last of many that my wife gave me. She's fiercely protective of our children's feelings and will not chance putting them or herself through this again. I've told her I regret it and wish I could turn back time, and I may even get up the nerve to ask for yet one more chance, but I know she won't even entertain that.

 

Anyway, that's where I am. So you men who think you've found your soulmate, the woman who will make your life so happy that it doesn't matter what you give up to get her, please think about it. My decision is irreversible. Yours might be, too.

 

And for those who aren't convinced, stay tuned: I'll keep you posted on my progress as a newly single dad whose wife and kids hate him right now, and I'll let you know if it gets any better. Maybe it will be worth it in the end. But I'm not holding my breath.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I have followed you story Confoozed, and I'm so very sorry for your family. Maybe if you had left them on honest terms things wouldn't seem so hopeless right now. Well, now that your wife has made the choice for you, which I believe you wanted all along, you can settle into your next best choice or first best (I guess you never had a chance to figure that out for sure.)

 

I know you must be in tremendous pain right now, and I'm sorry for that, I guess you have a tiny clue what the rest of your family has been through. Right here at Christmas too.

[skywriter]

Maybe that's it...you're thinking again... You're in a new life and all you can remember is your old life, and all that it consisted of. Everything and I do mean everything is entirely different from what you knew. That in and of itsself is huge. To top it all off the people that you call "family" aren't a part of it. This increases the odds of you and the OW having a chance at making it work. I'm not saying that it should or shouldn't. I don't know. This for myself is why I can never ,ever, put myself in the shoes of being the OW again, the rejection is devastating and to think it is self inflicted just adds to the dynamics of the rejection. yikes!

[Curmudgeon]

A bit tough to read but worth the trouble. All too many believe the fescue is more verdant on the opposite side of the barrier but more often than not that turns out to be false and merely wishful or delusional thinking. That's a lesson many others should learn.

 

I'm glad you posted this.

[ThumbingMyWay]

"all the rusted signs we ignore throughout our lives

choosing the shiny ones instead" - EV

 

 

we all have moments in our lives where we step back and inventory our choices. Some good, some bad. God will never give you more than you can handle and his Grace is new everyday.....dont lose hope for your future.

 

I wish you the best

[Owl]

Reading this, I can only feel admiration for your wife, Confoozed.

 

She stuck to her guns. She gave you every opportunity, and when she realized that she was still being played as a sucker, she enforced her boundaries.

 

Good for her...and in all honesty, I hope she sticks to them.

 

She'd be an idiot to take you back, after all that you've done. She's heard all the lies before...and frankly, there is no way she could EVER rebuild her trust in you again. Heck...even YOU can't trust you anymore.

 

As far as advice to give you at this point, I have none. Perhaps just move on and learn what's it like to really be single at this point. Or make amends to her by making the divorce as painless to her and your kids as possible.

[2sure]

Confoozed -

 

From reading your other threads and responses....it would not surprise me in the least if you try to continue this back and forth between your wife and the OW.

 

This revelation is not the result of anything other than your wife making the decision you could not.

 

Your posts have been very in depth and reflective. But your actions scream cake eater. All of the back and forth and questions about why you cannot leave your wife and kids, and then questions about how you cannot forget other woman are valid.

 

It appears to be inexplicable to you that you cannot have both. When you have one, you want the other.

 

That problem has not been solved. You have not made a decision, your wife has made one. For you.

[OWoman]

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you, Confoozed. I think the difference between your situation and my MM's is that he didn't vaccilate - once we discussed being together, he made up his mind and decided that that was what he needed and wanted to do, and we did it. He's had some sadness since then - seeing how his W fell apart, and thinking of his role in that - but not a moment's regret about the decision he made. It sounds as if you weren't in that position (yet - or perhaps ever) and so the making of that decision for you must have come as a wrench, forcing you to confront what you'd losts before you were ready to let it go - or to confirm that it was in fact what you wanted to keep.

 

I know many OPs wish the MP would make up their mind and make their move - but until they're ready to do so, and until they're certain in their mind that that is what they want to do, they risk the pain and unhappiness that you're finding yourself in now.

 

I hope things do work out for you with your OW - or without her, whichever way. I hope you'll find the strength to look deep into yourself and find out what it is you really want, and how to provide yourself with it, so that whoever you find yourself with in the future can be there as your chosen partner, not as your partner by default. Good luck!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

But your actions scream cake eater.

 

I disagree somewhat with this. I believe his actions scream," MAN IN MIDLIFE CRISIS."

 

Obviously he has given alot of thought to his situation.

 

Each time someone mentioned how sad it would be after all of the chances his wife tried to give him, if he left for the OW and realized it was his wife he loved. His response each time, was that what would be sad is if he stayed and missed a chance of happiness with the OW.

 

The thread (Staying for the kids) is about his happiness. THIS is a midlife crisis, it isn't about either woman.

 

Get your behind into therapy Confoozed and figure out how YOU can make you happy.

[Awakening]

2sure you hit the nail on the head. Confoozed waffled and waited until someone else finally made the decision for him which seems very typical for the mm in these scenarios.

 

Confoozed, you make no mention of the OW with whom you shared such a special relationship. Is she now under the bus?

 

Chances are you can wait a few weeks and your wife will let you back in.

And you better stay there.

[2sure]

Cake Eater VS Mid life Crisis:

 

Maybe you're right. But the relentlessness of this betrayal is mind boggling.

 

The amount of effort you must have had to put into talking your wife to take you back...what, three times?? And the emotional cost to all.

 

This has to be a crisis, because to lose everything, the respect of your children...not once, but twice.

 

Your wife at least now knows it has little to do with her, she will move on.

 

OW is not going to be happy long for you obviously feel you have made the wrong choice.

 

Be kind and let your wife go. It seems the only thing you can do to redeem yourself to those who love you.

[noforgiveness]

Confoozed are you living with the OW? If she threw you out and you went right into ow's arms she will never forgive you while you are there. If you really want to save your marriage you must immediately move out and cut off all contact with ow. Do not ask wife back she is hurting way too much right now but she will see that you really don't want the ow if you choose not to be with her when you are not with the wife.

[noforgiveness]

I just wanted to add I think it is a lost cause. Way too much deceit but it's worth a shot. You need to be alone anyhow.

[OWoman]

If you really want to save your marriage you must immediately move out and cut off all contact with ow.

 

I don't think Confoozed really knows yet if that's what he wants to do. AFAICT, he simply wants to retrace his steps so that he still has the choice, and can make up his mind and then act on it, rather than having it made up for him.

 

If he moves out and cuts all contact with his OW now, he risks losing her - and possibly not getting his W back, and landing up alone. Which I'm sure is not what he's looking for - he's wanting two women, both wanting him while he makes up his mind between them. He's not wanting two women both moving on and leaving him with nothing but his own company.

 

When he had his W, he wanted the OW. Now he has the OW, he wants his W. Until he can figure out what - never mind who - he really wants in his life, he is never going to be able to be happy. With anyone.

[Confoozed]

Thank you all for your comments. They're bang on mostly.

 

I have come to the conclusion that this is likely a mid-life crisis, and I certainly know I need to do some serious soul searching to find out what it is I really want. It seems everytime I have one life, I want the other. My search for answers begins this evening with a trip to the therapist.

 

For all concerned, I need to figure myself out.

 

I'll keep you posted.

 

And, seriously, you men out there thinking of leaving your wives for other women, think hard before you do. Think about the woman to whom you pledged your undying love and all the good years you had together, think about your kids, think about the lifestyle you'll be giving up, think about the respect you'll lose from friends and family. Think about this and ask yourself if she really is worth all that.

 

And think about this, too: If you put as much time and effort into wooing your wife and strengthening your marriage as you're going to have to to build an honest relationship with your OW, you might find you'd be just as happy in the end, and your life will still be intact.

 

I didn't think hard enough about these things, and now I have paid the price.

[OWoman]

My search for answers begins this evening with a trip to the therapist.

 

That's an excellent place to start!

 

Confoozed, another suggestion though - if you're currently with your OW, might it not be better to take some time on your own while you figure things out? Yes, she might read that as you dropping her again, and dump you - but on the other hand, does she really want to be your "consolation prize" instead of your first choice?

 

If you tell BOTH women that you're going for therapy to sort yourself out, and find out what you want, and take a break from BOTH of them until you know, you might find that whichever one (if either) you decide on down the track is a lot more amenable to you having gone through a process, learned about yourself, and being in a better position to be a better partner? Is the prospect of something solid, chosen and mature not a better one than something settled for, insecure and riddled with doubt?

 

Good luck with the therapy.

[Confoozed]

Thank you, OWoman.

 

I have been giving serious thought to doing just that -- taking time away from both women and reassessing my life.

 

Might I end up with neither as a result? Very possibly. But at least I might have a clue which way is up.

[Reggie]

Thanks for the advise. I hope others heed it. But, like you, so many seem to think their affair is different and will work out.

I would imagine one of the hardest parts is having your kids feel about you as they do. Seems like you had little regard for the hurt your wife went through and her humiliation.

I would not attribute it to a midlife crisis, asmany go through this and do not go as far as you did. Ithas to be something more, some seriousdamage and deficiency. I mean it is almost sadistic the way you treated your wife and that is not midlife stuff.

[Confoozed]

You're quite right, Reggie, I treated my wife about as badly as a person could. I feel extreme guilt about what I've done to her. I know she feels humiliated and that her confidence and self esteem have taken a wicked beating. I don't ever expect to be forgiven for it. I don't expect I'll ever forgive myself. She is about the best person I know and truly was the ideal wife. This was all about me and whatever problems I have.

 

But, sadly, I don't think I'm quite so extreme a case as you suggest. Or if I am, I think I've got lots of company. And it's for that reason that I posted this warning. There are guys like me out there on the verge of doing the same thing, and maybe they can learn from my mistakes.

[WickedandWeak]

Good luck with therapy, man.

 

A word of caution - who you choose as a therapist matters. I tried seeing three different therapists before I found someone who was right for me. The first therapist I went to was really intent on getting me to save my marriage. I finally decided I was trying too hard to please the therapist to figure out what I wanted, so I tried a second one. The second therapist was really focused on making me feel better about every choice I made without regard for the consequences. I felt like that therapist was helping me to excuse too much of my bad bahavoir. On the third try, I finally found someone who was a good fit for me - a therapist without an agenda who would call me on my bs and help talk me through what I really, truly want. It sounds like that might be a bit what you're in need of. So just be cognizant of the fact that how you present your goals and what your therapist's background is may have an impact on your sessions, especially if, like me, you want others' approval. Sometimes it takes awhile to find a professional who is right for you, but the quest is well worth it. Good luck to you.

[Reggie]

You're quite right, Reggie, I treated my wife about as badly as a person could. I feel extreme guilt about what I've done to her. I know she feels humiliated and that her confidence and self esteem have taken a wicked beating. I don't ever expect to be forgiven for it. I don't expect I'll ever forgive myself. She is about the best person I know and truly was the ideal wife. This was all about me and whatever problems I have.

 

But, sadly, I don't think I'm quite so extreme a case as you suggest. Or if I am, I think I've got lots of company. And it's for that reason that I posted this warning. There are guys like me out there on the verge of doing the same thing, and maybe they can learn from my mistakes.

 

Good self awareness on this point. You are right, you are not alone in having done this.

I think people can and do change. It really is quite sad we do stuff like this only to figure out how extreme it is later on. I have not done this particular thing, but I really regret some of the cruel, mean things I did in my younger days.

I got therapy to try to figure it out and, hopefully, will avoid stuff like that forever more. I'm sure I bought myself some extra time in purgatory, plenary indulgences notwithstanding.

Your wife will be in a lot of pain. I think the best thing you can do is apologize and leave her in peace.

[noforgiveness]

I don't think Confoozed really knows yet if that's what he wants to do. AFAICT, he simply wants to retrace his steps so that he still has the choice, and can make up his mind and then act on it, rather than having it made up for him.

 

If he moves out and cuts all contact with his OW now, he risks losing her - and possibly not getting his W back, and landing up alone.

 

Oh please is a woman who waits around for his crumbs and then finally he leeaves and then goes right back to his wife and then the ow takes him back knowing full well he is working on his marriage someone he wants to spend his life with or even have around his kids. I'm sure he wants a woman with a little more self esteem than that in his life. She snuck around with him for a year AFTER he went back to his wife knowing that's what he wanted and she took him right back. No I want my daughter around strong women who repect themselves more than that. I think he's realizing now how little backbone the ow has now that he is with her.

[Reggie]

Oh please is a woman who waits around for his crumbs and then finally he leeaves and then goes right back to his wife and then the ow takes him back knowing full well he is working on his marriage someone he wants to spend his life with or even have around his kids. I'm sure he wants a woman with a little more self esteem than that in his life. She snuck around with him for a year AFTER he went back to his wife knowing that's what he wanted and she took him right back. No I want my daughter around strong women who repect themselves more than that. I think he's realizing now how little backbone the ow has now that he is with her.

 

 

I agree.This OW has shown a serious lack of character and honesty. I could not love a woman like that.

[whichwayisup]

All you can do is try to fix yourself, do counselling and be alone. Let your wife cool off, she's been through hell and back (so have you, but self inflicted), so just let her be.

 

As for the OW, well, you now know the grass isn't greener...She isn't the perfect woman you once thought she was. Let her go, don't worry about what she is doing, again, focus on you. Though you need to tell her to respect your wish (hopefully it is something you want right now) to leave you alone and not contact you anymore, that it's over.

 

I do hope you and your kids one day have a relationship again. In time..Maybe they'll consider doing family counselling with you.

[loveratud]

Sounds like your relationship with your family is shot. You're wife shouldn't and probably won't give you another chance. Not to sound too callous or casual, but the time crying over the spilled milk of your prior life is over. You wanted to leave for a reason, so seriously pursue the OW, otherwise you're going to end up with nothing at all. It seems like your indecisiveness has already hurt a lot of other people, you might as well try to act quickly before you really screw yourself over too.