Thinking of leaving for the OW? Think again.

[KismetGirl]

Well Confoozed....you have always seemed like a bit of a waffler. You had the W, you wanted the OW. Now you can have the OW, but you want the W back.

 

YOu miss the history, bond and stability of your family, but I mean, that's kind of to be expected when you go through a divorce, no? I mean, who exactly is HAPPY when going through a divorce, even if they initiated it? Of course you are going to feel remorse, wonder if you ddi the right thing, feel guilty over leaving your kids.

 

If your wife took you back again that would be a miracle unto itself, but how do you know you wont fall back into that pattern of "well, me and the W just have no spark" again? That's what you complained about in your first postings. Now that you are in limbo you are wondering if you did the right thing because you feel guilty, which is normal, but I think you seriously need a GOOD therapist to help you understand what you really want out of life and relationships, because I don't think you have any clue anymore. And until you do, you can't really expect ANY woman to be able to deal with you, can you?

 

Even if youre wife did take you back, which seems unlikely at this point, you have to understand that's it. All or nothing. Never again will you so much as look at another woman, whether you like it or not. ou can't keep waffling lke you were doing for so long.

 

Mid life crisis? Maybe. All I can say is that you can't expect to feel GOOD going through a divorce or sepreation, and that you will absolutely feel gult and remorse, particularly when it comes to your children, but that doesn't mean you made the wrong decision. When reading your first posting, it sounded like you were pretty sure you had no romantic interest inyour wife anymore. Now all of a sudden you are "realizing all you've given up"

 

I said it then and Im saying it now, make a bloody decision and stick with it, and if you cant make one on your own, then get some professional help so you can decide what you really want out of life, or you will end up very, very alone my friend.

 

Life will always work itself out and fall into place, but you need to make decisions and stick to them. Until you make a decision and STICK to it, you will continue to feel miserable.

 

Good luck babe, you need it. Try to keep open communication with your wife. She's likely hurting and angry....but who knows, maybe she's a saint and would be willing to give you another shot. Don't eff it up if that's what you both decide on. And if it isn't , then don't waffle with the next woman either.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

This OW has shown a serious lack of character and honesty. I could not love a woman like that.

 

I agree, but he's not really in a position to judge. This train of thought will come about eventually, no matter how ironic.

[GreenEyedLady]

Mid-life crisis: EXCUSE.

 

Addiction: EXCUSE.

 

It's time to put on your big boy pants and take responsibility for your actions. YOU CHOSE THIS.

[Mr. Lucky]

Let her go, don't worry about what she is doing, again, focus on you. Though you need to tell her to respect your wish (hopefully it is something you want right now) to leave you alone and not contact you anymore, that it's over.

Call me crazy, but I don't think that the OP has the backbone to do this. In following his threads, the telling part was that he always longed for the partner he didn't have - had the W, pined for the OW. Had the OW, wanted the W back. So this was never about the quality or parameters of either relationship but more about Confoozed and what he wanted but was too lazy or emotionally unavailable to get. As a result, he's laid waste to 5 lives, his own included. A sad, sad story...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ariadne]

One thing I know it doesn't hold is another chance. I blew the last of many that my wife gave me.

 

Just tell her that it was many chances but all with one woman. And that the more you stay with her the more you can't stand her.

 

She'll understand if she loves you. Don't give up so easily or believe all she says when she is mad.

 

Good luck though.

[NoIDidn't]

Sounds like your relationship with your family is shot. You're wife shouldn't and probably won't give you another chance. Not to sound too callous or casual, but the time crying over the spilled milk of your prior life is over. You wanted to leave for a reason, so seriously pursue the OW, otherwise you're going to end up with nothing at all. It seems like your indecisiveness has already hurt a lot of other people, you might as well try to act quickly before you really screw yourself over too.

 

Wow, loveratud, were you an OP at one time?

 

This sounds like wanting-to-win-at-all-costs type of thinking. Who wants a man to pursue them only after their W threw them out? I don't. And hopefully he realizes that he doesn't want the woman that's waiting in the wings to take whatever he has left. That just screams of desperation.

[Mino]

Mid-life crisis: EXCUSE.

 

Addiction: EXCUSE.

 

It's time to put on your big boy pants and take responsibility for your actions. YOU CHOSE THIS.

Gel, I agree 1000000% with you. It is so easy AFTER getting caught to blame it on a "mid life crisis" And then want eo go to therapy to show the bs how much remorse he has, so she will take him back..Obviously he felt no guilt the years he was in the A..( this was not a one night stand) It was an A that lasted years. No guilt for the kids, no guilt for the BW.. Now he feels sorry forhimself, and he is sooo confused.... Grow up is what my answer would be, and take some responsibitly for your actions, blaminging is avoiding the real issue, which is YOU.... Do both woman a favor... stay on your own... till you are mature enough.. This is a typical cakeeater.... now crying when his game is over... Didnt care about the wife, the kids, nor the ow...only about himself..

[whichwayisup]

I don't think he needs to be beaten up on anymore, I'm sure he's done a good job of it on his own..He knows he messed up badly and is seeking therapy, that's a start. Rubbing it in his face isn't helping.

 

Atleast give him the same respect that OW/OM want when they post about their situations.

[pelicanpreacher]

Here here WWI. I was the last post on his first thread so I probably appear like a harbinger of doom at this moment. I say, why kick a man when he's down and out when he can't possibly appreciate any more pain than he already has?

 

Long is the road, and hard, that out of hell lead up to light! OP, you've got a journey to make and there's no time like the present ... one stumbling foot in front of the other for the way is now laid and there's no turning back.

[Angel1111]

I think you named yourself correctly because you are truly confused. I'm going to assume that your post is for real and that you're not a BS who is trying to make a statement - because that's what it really sounds like to me. You talk about your marriage like it was some great, happy thing. I seriously doubt it was that great, you just think it was because you're no longer there. Just like you thought it was great with OW - when you weren't with her. When you're in your marriage, you want out. When you're with the OW, you want out. Seems to be a pattern. I think you'll think they're both great when you're with neither of them - which is sure to happen.

 

I don't think your advice applies to many people simply because the large majority of men who cheat or leave for the OW are in marriages that are loveless and dead. I rarely hear any of them talk about how blissfully happy they are but want to leave that for someone else.

[OWoman]

I don't think he needs to be beaten up on anymore, I'm sure he's done a good job of it on his own..He knows he messed up badly and is seeking therapy, that's a start.

 

Frankly, I think it's the only thing he can do sustainably - he knows that what he was doing before hasn't worked, and that he needs to find out what it is he wants - and sort his life out. That take balls to do, and the work he'll need to put in will be substantial, but he's taking that step EVEN THOUGH he knows he could ultimately land up with neither woman. So yes, I think he is taking responsibility. Whatever label he attaches to his past behaviour is pretty irrelevant IMO - until he's actually IN therapy, working through the issues, he's not going to understand any more about what he did or why and not going to be able to change it.

 

I get why people - OWs, BSs, and arb bystanders - go at MMs, wanting them to own the impact of their behaviour... but I sometimes wonder how productive it is. If they're not yet ready to hear that, they become defensive (or disappear), and if they are already at the point - as Confoozed seems to be - of acknowledging that they screwed up (or down, or whichever way it was) then yelling at them still more doesn't seem to add much value to the mix IMO. Perhaps that's just me, though - I'd far rather focus on the future and doing things better and sustainably than wallow in the past and how awful that was. History was never my favourite subject.

[frannie]

In following his threads, the telling part was that he always longed for the partner he didn't have - had the W, pined for the OW. Had the OW, wanted the W back. So this was never about the quality or parameters of either relationship but more about Confoozed and what he wanted but was too lazy or emotionally unavailable to get.

 

And surely this new thread advising anyone thinking of leaving to think again is just more of the same. He's out (again) and eulogising the marriage and the woman he kept cheating on and no doubt would cheat on again if she was weak enough to take him back. It's all very well seeing her as the best wife in the world when she's out of reach, but when she was in reach even this 'best wife in the world' wasn't enough. I'm not saying that to bash the man, but because unless he can sort out why one woman isn't enough, why he can't make a decision and stick to it, why he's always longing for something out of reach, he's in no position to advise others on what to do (re: the thread title).

 

It's not that he 'left for the OW' that's the issue, it's a whole host of other problems that need to be picked apart, hopefully in IC which would be a good idea to start with.

[Woggle]

So you left a good woman who wanted a life with you in order to persue an OW who would probably dump you once you she actually had her MM? OW types are almost incapable of having a happy and healthy relationship and you threw your family away for that? I am sorry for being harsh but you really screwed yourself.

[changchewsoon]

Coonfoozed,

 

Although I condemn you for your wrong doings, however I do respect you for owning up and your self reflection on this.

 

Like others, I too do not have much to say but only hope that you'll be able to move on peacefully. It is a very cruel thing indeed to have done the things you've did and it hurted your wife and children. If you're really in a great amount of pain, you can't be that bad.

 

I think therapy is a good start, perhaps you should let your wife know about this as well. I'm not saying that she'll want to take you back, but at least let her know you're doing your part by reflecting on your past actions and doing some soul searching as well.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Mid-life crisis: EXCUSE.

 

Addiction: EXCUSE.

 

It's time to put on your big boy pants and take responsibility for your actions. YOU CHOSE THIS.

 

I disagree. That's like saying the flu is an excuse for a fever.

 

I've seen MLCs effect people/ families in MANY other ways than EMAs. I've seen through the years many different levels of self damage, and running away from life/self trying to feel alive via external stimulus. Some present just as a fairly mild depression and some go as far as selling everything, abandoning a long established career to move halfway across the earth to find some peace with themselves. Some just dye their hair and buy fast cars. They don't always involved other women.

 

He's dealing with a personal conflict. His threads and replies on them are all about his future happiness. Some utopia, some promise of absolute bliss for the rest of his life, which we all know doesn't exist. W is a good woman, but he doesn't FEEL it. Posts about OW aren't about HER they're about how she makes him FEEL.

 

Quite possibly, AEB the severity of his mutilation of his own life, there are some neurochemical deficiencies as well.

 

Confoozed, I hope as one other poster pointed out that you will shop for a good therapist and also see a physician of some type who specializes in this type of thing. Stay away from HMO types and pay out of pocket if need be, to someone in the private sector.

[JamesM]

Without in any way sounding conceited I hope, I was one who gave you advice on one of your threads to get back with your wife before it was too late. I congratulate your for coming back here and updating us with the results of your decision. Not many would have the guts to do so.

 

Your family is gone, but not really. You lost your respect but that can be temporarily. How you handle this loss will determine how your children think of you in the future. You can still show repentance and attempt to repair some of the family ties. Your wife may never trust you nor will she love you again, but you can remain friends and be a good father to your children. This is most important.

 

Your response determines if your children model your past behavior or learn from your mistakes.

 

Mid-life crisis: EXCUSE.

 

Addiction: EXCUSE.

 

It's time to put on your big boy pants and take responsibility for your actions. YOU CHOSE THIS.

 

I agree and disagree. These so-called "excuses" are reasons that can help understand why he did what he did. They do not excuse him for his choices.

 

When we screw up in life, we can never learn if we do not determine why we made the mistake. So here too. What situation set him up for the fall? What led him to be weak in choosing the OW? How can he prevent such situations in the future? And on and on.

 

Call me crazy, but I don't think that the OP has the backbone to do this. In following his threads, the telling part was that he always longed for the partner he didn't have - had the W, pined for the OW. Had the OW, wanted the W back. So this was never about the quality or parameters of either relationship but more about Confoozed and what he wanted but was too lazy or emotionally unavailable to get. As a result, he's laid waste to 5 lives, his own included. A sad, sad story...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Well said. Truthfully, I think it is doubtful AT THIS POINT if Confoozed can actually change his ways. However, his wife has decided to take herself out of his equation. And yes, it appears once again that he wants what he cannot have....rather than he knows what he wants.

 

Time will tell.

[OWoman]

OW types are almost incapable of having a happy and healthy relationship .

 

My father, after more than two and a half decades of a happy marriage to his fOW, would disagree with you. My MM, after more than three decades of hell with his BW and a couple of years (and counting) of bliss with me, would too.

 

OTOH, you seem anything but happy, and your R - filled as it is with distrust and paranoia - is not what I'd term healthy. Perhaps a spot of projection, here?

[JamesM]

My father, after more than two and a half decades of a happy marriage to his fOW, would disagree with you. My MM, after more than three decades of hell with his BW and a couple of years (and counting) of bliss with me, would too.

 

OTOH, you seem anything but happy, and your R - filled as it is with distrust and paranoia - is not what I'd term healthy. Perhaps a spot of projection, here?

 

Well said.

 

The implication is that women who are "honest wives" are somehow happier in their marriage than the woman who is in an affair. In many cases, the opposite is true...at least for the short term. But if this stereotype was true, then two things would never happen: divorces and.....affairs.

[noforgiveness]

My father, after more than two and a half decades of a happy marriage to his fOW, would disagree with you. My MM, after more than three decades of hell with his BW and a couple of years (and counting) of bliss with me, would too.

 

OTOH, you seem anything but happy, and your R - filled as it is with distrust and paranoia - is not what I'd term healthy. Perhaps a spot of projection, here?

 

So if your dads situation is perfect and all happy what would explain how you turned out? You can't say enjoying numerous affairs with married men and not believing in monogamy and being against marriage is within the norm of functional society. Do you not believe there was a breakdown somewhere in your upbringing to cause you to have so little respect for marriage. Obviously your dad is happy in your eyes but there was a breakdown with his children because of his actions.

[noforgiveness]

Your MM's BW is a former OW, no?

 

Not that Woggle's statement is across the board accurate, but...

 

Her mm is a former om of his wife. Disfunction everywhere.

[Woggle]

My father, after more than two and a half decades of a happy marriage to his fOW, would disagree with you. My MM, after more than three decades of hell with his BW and a couple of years (and counting) of bliss with me, would too.

 

OTOH, you seem anything but happy, and your R - filled as it is with distrust and paranoia - is not what I'd term healthy. Perhaps a spot of projection, here?

 

There are exceptions but 9 times out of 10 they fall out of love once the relationship becomes normal and healthy.

[OWoman]

Your MM's BW is a former OW, no?

 

No she's not. (At least, not that I'm aware of...)

[OWoman]

So if your dads situation is perfect and all happy what would explain how you turned out?

 

The years of misery during which he and my mother stayed together "for the kids". He only found his happiness once we'd left home - too late for us to benefit.

[OWoman]

There are exceptions but 9 times out of 10 they fall out of love once the relationship becomes normal and healthy.

 

 

I guess that would depend on why they were in the A in the first place.

 

If they chose an A as their R type of choice, then perhaps anything else would seem sub-optimal. Though here too I'd caution - I was one of those "types of OWs" and it was exactly at the point where our R became "normal and healthy" that I - and he - fell in love.

 

Those OWs who love the guy but hate the A would love nothing better than for it to be a "normal and healthy R". And I'd guess that that's far and away the bulk of OWs.

 

Woggle I think you'll find that your estimate of "9 out o f 10" is rather off the mark...

[OWoman]

Well said.

 

The implication is that women who are "honest wives" are somehow happier in their marriage than the woman who is in an affair. In many cases, the opposite is true...at least for the short term. But if this stereotype was true, then two things would never happen: divorces and.....affairs.

 

Good point. (Are you a lawyer, James?)