Thinking of leaving for the OW? Think again.

[Woggle]

I think with your case you just got tired of playing the field and found somebody you could have a relationship with. It happens to many people after years of playing around because that lifestyle gets old.

 

The women who let emotions get involved are even worse because they get addicted to thebad biy element of a cheating man like its crack and they just keep going back for more. It is chase to them but once they get their prize they are bored.

[noforgiveness]

The years of misery during which he and my mother stayed together "for the kids". He only found his happiness once we'd left home - too late for us to benefit.

 

You really don't like your mom or women in general do you? I think that is why you want to emulate your dad. sad.

[whichwayisup]

There are exceptions but 9 times out of 10 they fall out of love once the relationship becomes normal and healthy.

 

That's because going from an affair relationship to a healthy and open (open meaning everyone knows and it's not hidden anymore) the novelity wears off and all that intensity, lust, excitement throughout the affair disappears and is replaced with real life, not just built on feelings, passion and heat of the moment moments..

[Confoozed]

So you left a good woman who wanted a life with you in order to persue an OW who would probably dump you once you she actually had her MM? OW types are almost incapable of having a happy and healthy relationship and you threw your family away for that? I am sorry for being harsh but you really screwed yourself.

 

 

Dude, no one knows better than I how badly I screwed myself. This is the point of the thread. While I try to figure things out for myself, I thought one thing I could do is warn others who might find themselves in my shoes to give it some serious thought before they make that leap.

 

And as for whether a relationship could work out with the OW, or whether I'm even going to be interested in one, that's another warning would-be wife-ditchers should heed. When I contemplated leaving for the OW, there seemed no doubt in my mind that we would live happily ever after.

 

I know most other guys in the same situation believe the same thing. The OWs are, after all, supposed to be out soulmates and the loves of our life, so the assumption is we should be able to live together in bliss forever.

 

Don't take that for granted.

[2sure]

Confoozed -

 

Tell the truth -( why not, your anonymous)

 

Are you thinking of showing your posts to your wife?

Just curious.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

How did the therapy go? Do you feel like you've found a match as far as therapists go?

[Confoozed]

Confoozed -

 

Tell the truth -( why not, your anonymous)

 

Are you thinking of showing your posts to your wife?

Just curious.

 

 

Interesting question. I hadn't thought of it, but yeah, I suppose I might...if she were interested in seeing them. And not just these ones, but all of them, including the W or OW one. I no longer have anything to hide and maybe it will help her understand a little bit what's up with me.

 

In asking, are you suggesting I do or don't?

 

Right now, I've been careful in my contact with her, because her replies back have been terse and cold. She's obviously hurting, and while I have so much to say to her -- and, no, that doesn't include asking if I can come back -- I've been hesitant to until I think she's ready.

[Confoozed]

How did the therapy go? Do you feel like you've found a match as far as therapists go?

 

 

It wasn't anything to write home about. I was a bit disappointed. She's the one I had seen, with and without my wife, for the past couple months. So I thought she was a good start, since she knew the history.

 

One thing I agreed with is that I find a place of my own and begin to live life alone, figure out who I am and what I want out of life. I had already rented a place and am planning to move in this weekend, but my initial thoughts were to just fill it with a few sticks of furniture and get by using it as a place to stay rather than a home. She said I should treat it like my new home, not something temporary, buy some decent furniture and a good tv, and live there like it's my place, my home.

 

I think probably she's right. If I'm to start a new life alone, I guess the home shouldn't have a temporary feel about it. Whether I go on to date the OW remains to be seen. For now, though, I think I'd like to live alone and have little or no contact with her until I get a clearer idea of what I want. Contact with my wife will also be limited, I expect -- nothing more than necessary updates and stuff to do with the kids.

 

I haven't been single in my life. This is gonna be weird.

 

 

By the way, some of you guys show yourselves to be pretty darn caring, even to a prick like me. Thank you for that.

[2sure]

I dont know about ever showing your posts to your wife.

They cannot help her.

They cannot only reaffirm to her your thought processes while you were going back and forth. To be honest, to read them and to know you KNEW you waffling...would infuriate me further.

 

Don't.

 

Your therapist has given you fantastic advice to create a home for YOURSELF. You need to establish your own nest, your own CENTER.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Right now, I've been careful in my contact with her, because her replies back have been terse and cold. She's obviously hurting, and while I have so much to say to her -- and, no, that doesn't include asking if I can come back -- I've been hesitant to until I think she's ready.

 

Is this true, or are you merely avoiding dealing with her pain and anger? (I've got to say that this is a typical male action to any real relationship conflict ) It will be of the utmost importance to your children for you to be able to get along in the future. Your actions right now (not later) will dictate your relationship after you D. At some point Confoozed, in order to live on this planet with in reality and with others, its not going to be able to be about you every day. I imagine she is in a VERY real crisis right now, which will make it TERRIBLY hard to parent effectively, and especially give the kids a merry Christmas.

 

She's been there for you despite her own pain, maybe its time for you to reciprocate for the sake of you, her, and the kids.

[travelgirl]

Right now, I've been careful in my contact with her, because her replies back have been terse and cold. She's obviously hurting, and while I have so much to say to her -- and, no, that doesn't include asking if I can come back -- I've been hesitant to until I think she's ready.

 

Is this true, or are you merely avoiding dealing with her pain and anger? (I've got to say that this is a typical male action to any real relationship conflict ) It will be of the utmost importance to your children for you to be able to get along in the future. Your actions right now (not later) will dictate your relationship after you D. At some point Confoozed, in order to live on this planet with in reality and with others, its not going to be able to be about you every day. I imagine she is in a VERY real crisis right now, which will make it TERRIBLY hard to parent effectively, and especially give the kids a merry Christmas.

 

She's been there for you despite her own pain, maybe its time for you to reciprocate for the sake of you, her, and the kids.

 

I agree with this. She is hurting and you should be there so she can lash out and vent. She needs this to recover, believe me I have been there. I am not talking fighting, I am talking venting and getting out frustrations. Allow her to do that. Give her opportunity to do that. Help her in anyway you can thru this trying time of hers. It IS very hard to parent during all this and watching your wayward spouse, who made the mistakes, leave, take up home and make a life for himself right before the holidays must be very hard for her even if she isn't sure whether she even wants you back.

 

Show her and tell her you will be there to help in anyway you can.

[Confoozed]

IWWH and Travegirl, I have made myself open to communicating with her. I want to.

 

I've emailed many times and generally receive terse answers to questions. I asked her if I could see her sometime this week, and she said she'd like to limit contact to emails and phone calls, and that the only time we need to see each other is when there's a reason related to practical matters like discussing logistics or dealing with the kids.

 

Yesterday, I emailed her and asked her to phone me. She did and asked what I wanted. I said I just wanted to touch base and see how things were with her and the kids. She grew pretty cold and matter-of-fact and spoke very guardedly, then said she had to go to a meeting.

 

I welcome an opportunity for her to let me have it. I wrote her an email apologizing for all I've done and assuring her it had nothing to do with her or anything she was or wasn't or did or didn't do, and I invited her in that email to ask any questions she wants about what has happened.

 

So, no, I'm ducking anything. I'm initiating as much contact as I can without being pushy and am leaving it to her to decide when she's ready to communciate. She's an awesom mom so I have no fear that we'll establish whatever type of relationship is required to meet the needs of the kids. Things will come around eventually, I suppose.

[HappyAtLast]

Thank you all for your comments. They're And, seriously, you men out there thinking of leaving your wives for other women, think hard before you do. quote]

 

Young man, you did not leave your wife for another woman. Your wife left YOU. I believe that in itself is your problem and the reason that you are feeling the way that you do. I believe that you would be feeling the exact same way had your OW left you instead of your wife.

[Confoozed]

Young man, you did not leave your wife for another woman. Your wife left YOU. I believe that in itself is your problem and the reason that you are feeling the way that you do. I believe that you would be feeling the exact same way had your OW left you instead of your wife.

 

 

That's semantics. I, in effect, left her. I was considering it and thought I was there and was just waiting for the right time -- i.e., after Christmas -- but she beat me to the punch. Maybe I would have decided not to in the end, so I guess in that sense, she left me. I don't think it matters, given that the reason we're apart is my infidelity and inability to commit.

 

By the way, thanks for the "young man" comment. At 44, it's not a term I hear directed at me often.

[Hard2Think]

This is a tough thread to read. Confoozed, you chose a moniker with the same theme as mine. Like you, I was (or I thought I was) in love with the OW.

 

I know the feeling of not knowing what you want and what you don't want. I used to be in bed with the OW and wishing I was with my wife, and then I would wish I was with the OW when I was with my wife.

 

I remember breaking it off with the OW for a month because I wanted to get things back to normal again. My wife still didn't know about my affair. I remember being relieved not to have to lie and make things complicated, but I also felt a deep emptiness that came from being in a marriage that was devoid of passion. I longed for the passion from the OW.

 

I guess I can understand the ambivalence. If you really want to patch things up with your wife, the best thing really is getting the place on your own and let some time pass without pressuring the wife at all. Just be sure to never see the OW anymore.

 

I believe that your wife, in time, will see the affair as one big incident as opposed to three separate ones. She may want to take you back, but for sure, she'll have to know the OW is out of the picture. There's simply no other way.

 

Good luck! You're in for a rough ride, I'm afraid.

[HappyAtLast]

But I really do not believe it is semantics. You are a week out of the house, believe me when I tell you will feel one hundred different ways until you finally "land" somewhere. Who knows where that will be. Your wife did leave you. The choice was taken from you and I truly believe that is most of the reason as to why you feel so messed up. You don't feel in control, like you would have had you left. Also - maybe in your mind, if YOU left, you could come back. It is much harder to come back when you have been asked to leave... it is really no longer in your hands, no?

 

I think it is good that you are posting, but I honestly believe that it will be several months before you really begin to see how you truly feel about the whole situation. You are glorifying your marriage (who cheats on the "ideal woman"?). I am not saying it was good or bad, I am just saying that you are not in the state of mind to really judge it. Just give yourself some time.

 

And, you are welcome for the "young man" comment. At my age, 44 IS young.

[pelicanpreacher]

Confoozed, you're still gripping to the deluded illusion that you've had, have, and will possibly regain control over the manner in which your marriage ended. The fact that control was wrested from you seems to be a thorn in your aborted realization that you never had the control you thought you possessed. Awaken to the fact that time and life are not always on your side and maybe you'll better empathize with the effect your decisions have on all others around you. This is a critical concept you must incorporate into your new being to begin your journey toward re-establishing an amicable relationship with your stbxw.

[Confoozed]

This is a tough thread to read. Confoozed, you chose a moniker with the same theme as mine. Like you, I was (or I thought I was) in love with the OW.

 

I know the feeling of not knowing what you want and what you don't want. I used to be in bed with the OW and wishing I was with my wife, and then I would wish I was with the OW when I was with my wife.

 

I remember breaking it off with the OW for a month because I wanted to get things back to normal again. My wife still didn't know about my affair. I remember being relieved not to have to lie and make things complicated, but I also felt a deep emptiness that came from being in a marriage that was devoid of passion. I longed for the passion from the OW.

 

I guess I can understand the ambivalence. If you really want to patch things up with your wife, the best thing really is getting the place on your own and let some time pass without pressuring the wife at all. Just be sure to never see the OW anymore.

 

I believe that your wife, in time, will see the affair as one big incident as opposed to three separate ones. She may want to take you back, but for sure, she'll have to know the OW is out of the picture. There's simply no other way.

 

Good luck! You're in for a rough ride, I'm afraid.

 

Thank you, Hard2Think.

 

I haven't yet decided I want to patch things up with my wife. Right now, I feel that way, but I can't trust any of my feelings these days. And besides, the odds she'd even consider it are slim and long. I'm afraid she's done with me and the heartache I've caused her.

 

What I do plan to do is move into my new suite, be alone for awhile and think, and initiate no contact with the OW. At some point, I'm hoping to understand more clearly what I want.

 

If it is my wife, then I will end it with the OW and stay no contact, and begin to try to rebuild some trust with my wife and see what happens, knowing what a long shot at success I would have.

 

If I decide I truly want a life with OW, then that's what I will initiate.

 

If I decide I want my wife and she won't have me, then I'll let things lie and go on with a new life from there. I will not go back to the OW in that case, as it isn't fair for her to be a consolation prize. She deserves to be chosen, and if I don't choose her, then I will leave her alone.

 

Out of curiosity, how was your situation resolved? Or has it been?

[Mino]

Thank you all for your comments. They're And, seriously, you men out there thinking of leaving your wives for other women, think hard before you do. quote]

 

Young man, you did not leave your wife for another woman. Your wife left YOU. I believe that in itself is your problem and the reason that you are feeling the way that you do. I believe that you would be feeling the exact same way had your OW left you instead of your wife.

nail on the head.....

[Athena]

I asked her if I could see her sometime this week, and she said she'd like to limit contact to emails and phone calls,

I think this is because she doesn't trust herself with you charming your way back in....(this is how I was when my H would have yet another affair... twice I refused to see him for six months after each of his last two affairs, simply because I didn't trust myself not to cave in if I was in front of him physically (I still loved him so much) -- it was easier to email and talk on the phone with him, at least that way I could keep my resolve.

 

Yesterday, I emailed her and asked her to phone me. She did and asked what I wanted. I said I just wanted to touch base and see how things were with her and the kids. She grew pretty cold and matter-of-fact and spoke very guardedly, then said she had to go to a meeting.

Dunno, maybe I'm just reading into this, but it seems like she WANTED to see what you would say, but when it was just about the kids, THEN she grew cold. She is trying, desperately, to rid herself of her feelings & hope for you to 'come right'.

If you want to leave some hope for the future, tell her you will try sort out your issues before you ask her for another chance in the future. This is bound to be met with a negative, but the seed will be put into her mind, thereby allowing it to germinate over time, thus possibly giving you a chance in the future, if you do sort yourself out. I think it is worse that you don't express some doubt about losing her. Tell her honestly about your regrets, and your hopes for a possible reconciliation after you sort out your feelings, and prove yourself. If she hears nothing about it from you now then she will assume you are not seriously regretting losing her. And no, I don't think it's up to HER to give you any inkling of hope -- you are gonna have to work for it.

 

 

I wrote her an email apologizing for all I've done and assuring her it had nothing to do with her or anything she was or wasn't or did or didn't do,

What crap is this, now?!

You were basically saying earlier in your posts that IT DID HAVE TO DO WITH W NOT BEING AS FANTASTIC AS OW. That W doesn't validate you the same way. That you don't have that spark with W.... if ALL THAT has "nothing to do with her" and how "she was or wasn't", then what the hell has?! You were basically not happy with your W, and that has EVERYTHING to do with her!!!!!! Some honesty, please, at least with yourself!

 

And who knows? If you are bloody well honest with her about it HAVING SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE WAY SHE WAS with you, then perhaps you give her a shot at changing the way she relates to you; to give you what you so obviously need. Don't lie to her.

[Athena]

Confoozed, just to remind you of just some of the things you said about your wife, when comparing her to OW, and how your wife just wasn't like OW which is why you wanted to go back to OW (and leave your wife)...

 

 

 

(...) two years ago, I fell for the OW. We connected in a way my wife and I never did, and it just kept getting better and better. Lots of laughs, deep affection and caring, amazing sex, and fantasizing together about a future.(...)

 

 

Fast forward a few weeks now and I'm not so sure anymore what I want. I find myself thinking about the OW constantly. I subconsciously, and sometimes consciously, compare her to my wife in all ways. She made me feel so loved and so needed and so desired. She made me feel special. I miss her like crazy and crave contact with her again. I know she'd love to have me in her life and I believe we could have a great future together.

 

But I know my wife loves me, too. We had 20 good years of marriage before the affair, and the fact that she has given me the second and third chances she has shows the depth of her love. And to be clear, she is not taking me back out of necessity; she is a strong woman. She is also a beautiful woman -- inside and out -- probably the best person I know. But we don't click like I seem to with the OW. In fact, we never have really. While we've had a happy-ish marriage and have been best friends throughout, there has never been much of a spark. And now that I'm back with her, that seems more obvious than ever. Thus the constant thoughts of the OW and missing what I had with her. (...)

 

(...) In short, they're both amazing women in their own way, but the chemistry I feel with the OW is not there with my wife. (...)

 

[Reggie]

First, your wife is correct to have very limited contact with you and to limit it to the kids logistics, etc. Almost all experts advise the BS to do a 180 or the equivalent when dealing with aWS that coninues to cheat. She needs to start moving on with her life and regaining some control.

Second, as you may now be beginning to realize, everyday life with your OW may be very different than the dynamic present in the affair. This connection and spark, may well dim as everyday pressures begin to enter.

Your wife stood no chance in the comparison game. The playing field was not level.

If your wife has any self respect and wisdom, she will not risk this a fourth time. She is entitled to the whole truth, so she can make sense of what has been happening to her all this time. Many WS's, even those that claim remorse, lack the courage and integrity to provide this information. Maybe you will be the exception.

[Confoozed]

Athena, isn't that what all us cheating husbands say about our wives versus our OWs? The connection and chemistry and sex with the OW is always described as out-of-this-world better than anything we ever had with our wives.

 

Looking back on it, I think that has more to do with the nature of affairs -- the sneaking and excitement, the short little rendezvous when there's no time for anything but meeting each other's needs, no real life stuff.

 

What I say about my wife is true. She is smart and beautiful and intelligent and caring and funny and passionate and just about the best person I know. Any guy would be lucky to have her. We had issues over the years, but nothing we couldn't ever get past. We got busy with kids and the like, but it was a good busy and we did it together. It's true she didn't always meet all my needs, but then I didn't meet all hers, too. I'm guessing most marriages are the same.

 

What I'm saying is that while a lot of guys who get involved in affairs have wives who are mean or bitchy or neglectful or frigid, mine was anything but.

 

Again, there were issues, but if I had put half the effort required into addressing them properly, rather than focusing on rekindling something with the OW, I'd be in a much happier place today.

[Confoozed]

If you want to leave some hope for the future, tell her you will try sort out your issues before you ask her for another chance in the future. This is bound to be met with a negative, but the seed will be put into her mind, thereby allowing it to germinate over time, thus possibly giving you a chance in the future, if you do sort yourself out. I think it is worse that you don't express some doubt about losing her. Tell her honestly about your regrets, and your hopes for a possible reconciliation after you sort out your feelings, and prove yourself. If she hears nothing about it from you now then she will assume you are not seriously regretting losing her. And no, I don't think it's up to HER to give you any inkling of hope -- you are gonna have to work for it.

 

 

What I have told her, in a phone call today, is that I'm planning on living alone now to sort out my life and try to figure out not who I want to be with, but who I want to be. And then I asked her if she could somehow be 100 per cent sure that I wanted to come back to her, 100 per cent sure that I wanted to be with her and only her for the rest of our lives, 100 per cent true that she would always be able to trust be, would she consider reconciling. Her response was "That'd take a miracle...but yes."

 

Anyone believe in miracles?

[signedin2008]

We had issues over the years, but nothing we couldn't ever get past.

 

Do you think she can ever get past this? How many times were you with the OW and how many times did you break your promise to your wife?