snowqueen Posted September 11, 2003 Share Posted September 11, 2003 Well where do i start i left my partner of four years through his drug taking and went straight into a relationship with another man, we are now married and only been together 4 months nearly..we love eachother very much. The problem is..... My husband was with a partner for 15years and they had been split up for over a year, my husband wants to see his kids but she expects him to sit in the house every sunday for a whole day...the thing is i hardly see him as we work so i would like to see him at weekends, me and my daughter would also like to get to know his kids, as far as i know his ex gets her own way all the time and i feel this has to stop.. i also feel that i am being quite selfish but all these feelings i have, is getting me upset, i also dont want him sitting in the house how is he supposed to bond just sitting in the house when we could all be going out doing things ie swimming, i dont want to be there mother i have a daughter of my own, i never realised how hard being married is and i have never been in a relationship where the man has kids...so i am new and i feel lost because i dont know how i am supposed to feel.. can someone give me some advice please..... Link to post Share on other sites
sealife Posted September 15, 2003 Share Posted September 15, 2003 I'm in a similar situation, my partner has a one year old daughter with his ex partner and I sometimes find it hard to cope with. I don't have children but badly want to have a child with him. All I can suggest, and what is working for us, is talking about it. Tell him exactly how you feel. Not 'You make me feel', just 'I feel'. Tell him that you want all of you to do things together, that you understand that you're not his children's mother but that doesn't mean you can't care about them and be a part of their lives. You're married, you're a part of each others lives, how can he exclude his children from that? Sorry to be bleak, but it's not sustainable. Either you find a way of including his children in your life together or you accept that there's a part of your husband's life that you're excluded from and the latter's hardly an option for a happy marriage. You are not being selfish. Repeat you are not being selfish. It would be selfish not to say anything. I don't know what your husband says and find it hard to believe that you haven't talked about this but if he's not willing to listen to you on this, I would be worried. I know he's in a difficult situation but so are you and caring about how your partner feels is a pretty fundamental aspect of love. Priority-wise, his kids do come first but you should come second and ideally neither you or his kids should have to worry about where you come in the rankings, you should all be secure enough in his love that it doesn't have to be questionned. But that's enough shoulds... Just say how you feel, listen to what he feels, discuss it but don't let yourself accept something that isn't acceptable to you. There's compromise - a vital ingredient in marriage - and there's burying your own feelings and needs which will only make you miserable no matter how hard you try. Link to post Share on other sites
Author snowqueen Posted September 15, 2003 Author Share Posted September 15, 2003 Hi sealife thanks for replying, it is nice to hear that i am not alone. I have spoke to my husband and told him how i feel, he is does want me in his childrens lives, his ex, as far as i know does not...and wants my husband to sit in her house for a whole day every sunday to see his kids, but he dont want to sit there and see the kids he wants us to take them out and do things fun with them...but his ex wont have it, so now my husband has decided it will have to go to court , as far as i am concerned she is thinking of herself not her kids in my eyes, what can you do with the kids sat in a house, especially when there is a bad atmosphere... I have a child of my own, and even though she does not see her dad for medical reasons...<a long story> she has taken on my new husband as her dad now and she now uses his surname too, I do not want to take on the role as there mother...i do just want to be part of there lives. At the moment there is not much my husband can do.. Why does things have to be so difficult???? Link to post Share on other sites
2SidestoStories Posted September 15, 2003 Share Posted September 15, 2003 Why does things have to be so difficult???? "That which does not kill us only makes us stronger." Link to post Share on other sites
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