SomeCAGuy Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 My ex (married 5 years) and I separated about 4 months ago and my new girlfriend and I are talking about her moving into my place in January (we've been dating about 3 months). The ex wanted to leave me and expected to me to change when she did. It was a gamble that did not pay off in her favor and she deeply deeply regrets it. She tells me almost every other day about it. She now lives in another state with our daughter. The new girlfriend is amazing, I try to find fault with her, but I really can't. I keep thinking she's a rebound, but it doesn't feel like a rebound. She even encourages me to talk with my ex and be nice to her so that I don't lose the chance to see my daughter (my ex can be a little irrational at times if she's upset). So...should I tell my ex that someone is moving in with me? What if I don't tell her and she asks me about it? My daughter doesn't come to visit often (i travel to see her often) and she won't be visiting for at least a few months so there's not urgency because of introducing the child to daddy's new girlfriend. Anyone have experience with this? Link to post Share on other sites
What Now Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 No girlfriend moving in until AFTER you are legally divorced! You need a bit more time then a few months to jump back into a live in relationship........ Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 You are going to have a GF move in that you have only known THREE MONTHS? You are saying that you can't find fault with her but, guess what? You are still in honeymoon mode with your new relationship and you won't start finding fault with her for 9 to 12 months; that is historically accurate. Way too new, my friend.... Back off and take your time. You'll be happier in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Shucks, we guys have a lot to learn. This I have learned: - separation does not equal divorce. A man is responsible for the preservation of his family. If you could not meet your wife's needs before separation, what guarantee you will meet any other woman's need. Get your testicles out of cold storage and deal with your responsibilities. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomeCAGuy Posted December 10, 2008 Author Share Posted December 10, 2008 So a little clarification is needed. The separation started in June (living in separate rooms in the same house) and problems started way before that. We weren't legally separated until 4 months ago (meaning a lawyer drawn up agreement detailling custody, alimony, child support, visitation, assets, etc. that carries over into the final divorce.) In my state you have to be separated for a year before you can officially file for divorce. If we could file for divorce we would have. So...does anyone have experience telling their ex about a girlfriend moving in? I'm afraid she'll use our daughter against me and try to deny visitation. Is it better just to lie and tell her at a later time when she's had more time to get over the divorce? Or will this signal to her that it's really over and there is no chance of reconciliation so she can move on? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomeCAGuy Posted December 10, 2008 Author Share Posted December 10, 2008 My ex-wife was actually a rebound as well, but it was the best relationship of my life until the end. I feel like if I waited some predetermined amount of time I would've missed out on wonderful part of my life. My personality is to not focus on the past, but to move on towards the future and a better life, so there is very little "getting over things" for me when it comes to situations in my life. Historically this is how I am. Not just in personal relationships, but family and business as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Well, I know I may be stating the obvious, but.. what's the hurry? If you think or suspect it's going to spel t-r-o-u-b-l-e between you and your ex- why invite problems? I don't advocate lying or deceit in any circumstance. If you'd need to lie or practice deceit to do something you want to do - don't do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomeCAGuy Posted December 10, 2008 Author Share Posted December 10, 2008 If you think or suspect it's going to spel t-r-o-u-b-l-e between you and your ex- why invite problems? I just wonder if there will every be a good time to tell her, can't put my life on hold for her. Link to post Share on other sites
LiveandLearn Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 If you decid to go ahead and have your GF move in, I don't see why you would have the need to notify your ex-wife. If she's not over the end of your marriage yet, it will only do 1 of 2 things: 1) hurt her even more or 2) get her angry and motivate her to move on more quickly, but I see option 1 being the more likely to happen. And yes, she may even somehow use that against you regarding visitation rights to your daughter. Give her more time to heal before you start talking to her about your new relationship. I'm sure she doesn't really want to hear about it at all, not yet anyway. You don't necessarily have to put your life on hold. You can go about your business and have this live-in relationship w/ your new GF, but telling her will just kinda seem like you're rubbing it in her face; kinda like kicking her while she's down... Best of luck to your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
ReeWoo Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 is there a reason why to tell your soon to be x anything? I don't see a reason to say a word to her. That's kind of like her calling you up stating that, "Hey, I'm banging some guy named Bubba! Just thought I'd let you know." Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 I am generally in agreement with the two perspectives given so far: first, that as an individual you might want to think about slowing down a bit (not just "for your ex," but to make sure you are recovered, centered, etc...) and second, that if you are certain that there is no reconciliation possible, and your new GF does move in with you, that you don't particularly owe your STBXW - in her role as STBXW - explicit, preemptive notice. However, I will throw a third perspective in here, and that is that if there comes a time when your daughter comes to visit and stay with you at your home, I do believe that divorced parents who are working to their child's best interest have a need and a right to know the basic domestic situation at the other home. Yes, you do want to know if Mom is living with Bubba now, as, like it or not, this puts Bubba in a de facto position as part-time parent of your daughter. Likewise, it's at least a courtesy, and maybe even more, to let her know - as a co-parent - about your living situation as it affects your daughter. I don't think you owe her every little detail of your new relationship, but if you're co-habiting with a GF while your daughter stays with you, I think that's substantial enough that it should be on your daughter's mom's radar. Again, this is all about the perspective of being co-parents. You don't owe her this as STBXW, but it's a part of the solemn, lifelong responsibility you took upon yourselves when you created this child, and you can't "divorce" that. Yes, it's complex, tricky, and even heart-wrenching (I know all of these from personal experience) but it's an important part of your responsibility to your child that you work together as parents even as you dissolve your relationship as spouses. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomeCAGuy Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 Thanks for the responses, all very insightful. Helped me realize that I carry a lot of guilt because my ex constantly tells me I ruined her life (even though she wanted to leave me). This guilt translates into me thinking I shouldn't be having a good time or enjoying my life. I've decided, for the time being, to not let the ex-wife know. When it comes time for my daughter to stay with me then I will inform her of the situation as I would want to know the same. She has told me that she has a "guy friend, not a boyfriend" who sees our daughter and plays with her often. Although hard to accept at first (someone else is being a dad to my kid?!?!?), I trust my ex to make a good decision on who she introduces and it is a good thing to have a father figure around. I just hope she trusts me as well when I inform her. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 You have to tell your ex well before your child comes to stay with you because now it isn't "just" about your ex, it's about your daughter. Your child needs to adjust and it may be hard on her seeing 'daddy' with another woman. I do have to ask, what's the big rush about moving in with this woman? You're not divorced yet and 4 months isn't that long..Sure you may love this woman but things may be moving really fast. Link to post Share on other sites
mendsley Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I agree with whichwayisup, your child should be one of your main focuses right now. I know your child is important to you and you need to make sure your child knows that, sit your child down and try to explain the best you can what is going on so there is no confusion. When my wife left me I was on this war path of trying to find another woman, well I did not succeed and am very grateful for that. You have to understand that right now this new woman is filling some voids that in time need to be filled but if it happens to soon you will not have time to build a friendship which is key to a relationship. One last thing, right now the new woman and you are going thru the fun stage just like you and your wife did at one time, it WILL end and complacency will be another reality, than what will you do? I wish you the best Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 She now lives in another state with our daughter. Why do you and your daughter live in different states? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomeCAGuy Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Right now our daughter is 15 months old, so I hope things are not too traumatic at the moment for meeting new people. But eventually I will have to talk with her about why there are new people around, when she can understand. I dated other people after the divorce; so many that is just became exhausting. I latched onto the first person that came along. There's no intention of getting married anytime soon. I've made that very clear. The gf knows that I still carry a lot of guilt and bad feelings about my daughter being gone so she gives me my space when I need it just to think. I'm not anywhere near a commitment like marriage for a very long time. The gf understands that...I think she's being very mature. There's also some financial incentive as we each pay less together than as a whole...and right now I believe it's a smart decision even if things don't work out in the long run. After the divorce my ex couldn't stay here so she returned home to be with her family for emotional and financial support. She's a good mother, better than I am a father, so it was decided our child would go with her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SomeCAGuy Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 That should be I *DIDN'T* latch onto the first person that came along. Link to post Share on other sites
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