unaffectionate

[Michael]

I have been with this girl for 2 years now. She is 18 and im 22. Its a good relationship, we both are in love and we have even talked about getting married. My problem is, she has never been very affectionate. She doesn't like to kiss or hug or doing any of that lovey dovey stuff. Yes she is a virgin and i have no problem with that but it would seem after 2 years , she would become a little more affectionate. Every time i start kissing her, holding her or anything to that nature she pulls away and acts like she is not comfortable. Every time i mention anything about it she acts like she doesn't want to talk about it and changes the subject. Can anyone please give me some advice on what you think. I can't understand why after two years she is still like this.

[Tony T]

Usually, it's the lady making this type of complaint.

 

There are many reasons why people aren't affectionate.

 

1. There may have been little or no physical displays of affection in her family as she was growing up so this is foreign to her.

 

2. She may be afraid that any serious affection will lead to feelings or sexual activities she doesn't want to deal with.

 

3. She may have a problem with halitosis (bad breath) which she hasn't been able to deal with and is embarassed. (I'm assuming you've hit the mouthwash yourself).

 

4. Even after two years, she may be uncertain about her exact feelings for you.

 

5. To a 16-year-old girl, a 20-year-old guy is pretty on in years. Two years ago, she may have seen you as a much older big brother or even a father figure. Now she may be confused as to just how she sees you. An 18-year-old lady will see a 22-year-old guy much differently and is usually much more comfortable.

 

6. She may have an anxious personality and since she is inexperienced, she doesn't want to be humiliated or embarassed by the awkwardness of new kissing or sexual experiences. There are people who are petrified of that first be meeting of the lips, believe it or not. If that's the case, you have to make her extremely comfortable and assure her you will make no judgements of her.

 

7. You may have said or done something in the past, even without realizing it, that makes her nervous about expressing affection for you.

 

Whatever the reason, you have some serious problems here. One is her failure to communicate to you just why she is having problems being affectionate. Second, a major need you have is not being fulfilled. Third, you hang around in circumstances unacceptable to you far too long.

 

It simply isn't natural for two people to have dated for two years and not even had a serious frenching session. I think if you marry this lass before she comes around, you are likely to go through a life of polar coolness. The chances of her changing overnight are about the same as me buying out Microsoft Corporation. You need to make it clear that marriage is OUT OF THE QUESTION if she continues to be cold.

 

I just don't see how you can force somebody to be affectionate. If I were you, I would just grab her softly and give her a great big long kiss...and if she pushes you away, tell her that is her GOODBYE kiss.

[Jesaco]

I have been with this girl for 2 years now. She is 18 and im 22. Its a good relationship, we both are in love and we have even talked about getting married. My problem is, she has never been very affectionate. She doesn't like to kiss or hug or doing any of that lovey dovey stuff. Yes she is a virgin and i have no problem with that but it would seem after 2 years , she would become a little more affectionate. Every time i start kissing her, holding her or anything to that nature she pulls away and acts like she is not comfortable. Every time i mention anything about it she acts like she doesn't want to talk about it and changes the subject. Can anyone please give me some advice on what you think. I can't understand why after two years she is still like this.

Hi!

 

Maybe this girl has been sexually abused. How well do you know her? If this is the case, she is trying to block out her past. And she thinks that affection is bad. And she'll tell you that she's a virgin in order to keep that part of her life a secret.

 

But don't come right out asd ask her if she's been abused. She'll close up if you do that. Start by talking about "your" childhood, and ask her what her childhood was like. Ask her about her family and what types of things they did together. There are a lot of possibilities as to who may have abused her. It could have been a family member or someone she considered a friend, or someone who just attacked her out of the blue.

 

If the two of you are someday planning to get married, it means you're in love. And she's probably afraid to love, and doesn't really know what it is. Start by showing her small gestures of affection, like stroking her hair, kissing her on the cheek, that sort of thing. Show her that you care about her feelings.

 

If this girl has been abused, she's going to need all the caring, loving attention that you can possibly give.

 

Get to know her, and let her know that you won't judge her, based on her past.

 

All the best to you,

 

Jesaco

[Michael]

First of all thank you all for the info. Now i do know that she has definately never been sexually abused. I know her really well. Now somethings Tony said made some since. I noticed since i have known her that her parents never show any kind of affection towards each other. They never do anything together or even hang out together. I think they seem more or less like roomates more than a married couple. Her father is always off doing his own thing. I have also noticed that when me and her get close, she gets nervous. She comes from a really religous family and her father is extremely strict on her. He will not let her do alot of the things that most girls her age do. I know that upsets her. She told me one time that if she ever had sex before she got married that her father would dis-own her. So given that info, do you think it's probably a family thing?

Hi! Maybe this girl has been sexually abused. How well do you know her? If this is the case, she is trying to block out her past. And she thinks that affection is bad. And she'll tell you that she's a virgin in order to keep that part of her life a secret. But don't come right out asd ask her if she's been abused. She'll close up if you do that. Start by talking about "your" childhood, and ask her what her childhood was like. Ask her about her family and what types of things they did together. There are a lot of possibilities as to who may have abused her. It could have been a family member or someone she considered a friend, or someone who just attacked her out of the blue. If the two of you are someday planning to get married, it means you're in love. And she's probably afraid to love, and doesn't really know what it is. Start by showing her small gestures of affection, like stroking her hair, kissing her on the cheek, that sort of thing. Show her that you care about her feelings. If this girl has been abused, she's going to need all the caring, loving attention that you can possibly give. Get to know her, and let her know that you won't judge her, based on her past. All the best to you, Jesaco

[Jesaco]

First of all thank you all for the info. Now i do know that she has definately never been sexually abused. I know her really well. Now somethings Tony said made some since. I noticed since i have known her that her parents never show any kind of affection towards each other. They never do anything together or even hang out together. I think they seem more or less like roomates more than a married couple. Her father is always off doing his own thing. I have also noticed that when me and her get close, she gets nervous. She comes from a really religous family and her father is extremely strict on her. He will not let her do alot of the things that most girls her age do. I know that upsets her. She told me one time that if she ever had sex before she got married that her father would dis-own her. So given that info, do you think it's probably a family thing?

Hi!

 

Yes, family and religion. I for one, am not a religious person, and neither were my parents. But my father yelled at me all the time when I was dating my husband. So that, mixed with her father's strict religious beliefs would be a whole lot worse.

 

One thing though, she has to believe for herself that this isn't normal. What does she think? Two years is a very long time. Has she started opening up at all. If not, the best thing for her to do would be to move away from her father, and seek counseling. This will be a very slow process for you to go through. But I know that if you love her, it will be worth every minute.

 

Another thing is that she doesn't have any idea what she wants. And it's not that she's having a hard time deciding, it's the fact that she never ever had a chance to make a decision in the first place. From the time she was a toddler, until now. All of her decision making was done for her. She doesn't even really know how to "feel". Love means "threats" to her. She's still a very frightened little girl. And I'm so mad at her family right now, I could scream.

 

And none of this helps your feelings as far as your sex drive, or your need for affection. And I know that you do have a need to release the tension. So do that as often as you feel the "need". That way you will be better able to offer your girlfriend the caring attention she will need. And also spend a little time with people who love you, and show you affection.

 

Good luck to you,

 

Jesaco