Yet another break story: Him, overly busy; Me, overly dependent

[frenchypolynesia]

Another break story...

 

So, my bf, the one that is 'solitary' by nature, that I posted about, tried to break up with me last night. We couldn't go fully through with it, so we're taking 'a break'. It's mostly mutual, it does make sense, but I'm still a little broken up about it. I've read from various people on here that think that's selfish and wrong... but this time I need to see if I can field a prognosis for our relationship based on factors that are differing a little from what's gone before.

 

Over 2 years together

 

Neither of us want new sex partners, not really an issue

 

Him: overwhelmingly busy life, an event almost every single night, lots of freelance, needs to move closer to the city I live in - he loves it there, but hasn't been able to afford to move yet (I moved for him), long commute, legitimately appears to need to sort it all out, legitimately appears to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown from trying to please everybody (not just me), and is off his meds (wellbutrin). Despite all of this, he always managed to find time for me even in our darkest hour.

 

Me: overly dependent on him, I realized it last night, and realizing that I need to have my personal independence back before I can be happy and so I can mentally let the throttle off him. Realizing how wrong it was in so many ways I was like that, and wholeheartedly wanting to fix myself.

 

I don't want to date other men. I'd rather be completely alone without him.

 

So - can anyone offer a long-term prognosis? I mean, consider that he gets his act together, consider I get mine, consider we still find each other attractive... What do you think?

[clia]

What do you think?

 

I have no way of predicting the future. Sorry. Anything could happen.

 

We couldn't go fully through with it, so we're taking 'a break'.

 

What do you mean "We couldn't go fully through with it?" Did he try to end things and you talked him out of it?

[frenchypolynesia]

Well, Clia (and thank you for answering my post) it's sort of like this... This was the first time I was ever able to talk him out of *anything.* Which is why I'm so surprised. He told me that he was ready to break up with me when he came over, but what I said to him (about us being very in love, and it not being worth it to throw it all away, how we're two people who aren't exactly 'normal' in our outlook) "made sense." He's one of those extremely *logical* types, and he doesn't do things lightly, which is why I'm so happy he was able to come around, so to speak. What I'm unsure of is, how to proceed from here. On one hand I can and will give him space, I am working on making myself independent, changing my life situation to something I can be happy with (I'm NOT terribly happy in my life situation and these caused dependence before - job sucks, car is breaking down, still not sure I like the city I moved to, it's expensive, etc... these are all changeable, though)... but on the other, I'm still confused about how to make sure I let him know I'm there for him, I love him, etc.

 

In the meantime, I have been in communication with him by email and messages and calls (he lives 40 miles from me). I'm really trying *not* to overdo it, and half of those calls/messages were regarding a website we're building for a friend's theatre troupe. He says that he does love me, and I'm trusting him when he acknowledges that we're still on the same page. Still, see above - I worry about how to handle things.

 

This weekend (again showing what a turbulent time this is) I signed a lease on a new place, about 30 blocks from my old place. He was excited and supportive, and offered me all kinds of advice and told me he'd help me pack sometime this week. If he does this, it will be the first time I will have seen him since the day he tried to break up with me. Any advice about 'behaving myself' and making sure I don't overstep the new boundaries would be very appreciated. I'm still in the phase where I think 'god, I have TIME now for myself - how wonderful' and then ten minutes later I feel like the lonliest person in the world. We were extremely close, too close, but how do I moderate myself when I see him again? Habit is a powerful force... I think mostly I just need words of wisdom.

 

thanks!

[clia]

Any advice about 'behaving myself' and making sure I don't overstep the new boundaries would be very appreciated.

 

It sounds like you are on the right track with trying to be more independent. I think as you continue to work on yourself and to do things to accomplish your individual goals, some of this will come naturally. (i.e. you will be busy with work or new classes or going out with your girlfriends or going to the gym so you won't be sitting around at home thinking about him and being tempted to call him too much or see him too much.)

 

I'm still in the phase where I think 'god, I have TIME now for myself - how wonderful' and then ten minutes later I feel like the lonliest person in the world.

 

Being alone and being lonely are mutually exclusive. You need to understand that being alone is not a bad thing. If you start to feel lonely (and everyone does at times, even people who are in relationships), call a girlfriend and meet her out for dinner, or just talk on the phone.

 

We were extremely close, too close, but how do I moderate myself when I see him again? Habit is a powerful force... I think mostly I just need words of wisdom.

 

Think through everything you do. This might sound like a lot of work, but you need to program yourself into a new habit. If you get the urge to call him too much, make yourself go for a walk, or call someone else instead. Ask yourself why you are calling him. Is it because you are bored? Pick up a new hobby or something else to keep yourself occupied. Ask yourself what you are going to accomplish by calling him. Are you just calling to chat? You can do that with a girlfriend or your mom or your sister (or whoever). Are you calling him because you need something? Ask yourself whether it's something you can do yourself. (And trust me, you can do anything yourself. You don't need him to come kill a bug or change your flat tire or change your lightbulbs or grout your kitchen floor. You can do all of this yourself.)

 

I think it's nice that he offered to come help you pack, but I don't think you should hound him about it. (Not that you would!) If he calls on that day and offers to come over, great. But if he does not, then just carry on and do it yourself. (This is part of being independent.) When you are around him, do not say you miss him, you love him, you are so glad to see him, etc., unless he says it first. Do not get emotional and do not cry. Be an efficient packer instead.

 

Hope this helps...

[frenchypolynesia]

Thanks, Clia - you're exactly what I needed. I especially needed to hear the bit about 'don't tell him you miss him, you love him, etc., unless he says it first.' I mean, I do miss him and I do love him, but it makes me realize that saying it too often really becomes more of an alpha-female thing, like 'you will submit to me by saying you love me.' I think now that's a big part of why he was having too much pressure. Life was so miserable, he was the only thing I had control over... sigh. I wish human beings didn't have to be programmed like this... Anyway - thanks.