Suspicous that my X is scarred by her mother's narcissism.....

[Cabernet34]

My ex Fiance (will officially be "x" once I get my ring back), has recently showns some very narcissisting traits. I've posted on other boards a few times since September while our break up has been happening, so i won't get into the whole thing at this point.

 

I've done quite a bit of reading, and I'm not sure whether she actually has NPD, or if it was her mother that had NPD and abused her emotionally. Regardless, she has been very deceitful and seems to have zero empathy towards others as it relates to the repercussions of her actions.

 

My mother sent her a birthday gift in October (I told my fiance that I wasn't telling my parents about our split until after the holiday's). You should also know that my X had recently sent my mom a gift, some good coffee, just a couple of weeks before my X completly withdrew from me.

 

Anyhow, my mother emailed her at that time, thanking her for the gift. So my mom was just returning the favor by sending her some body lotion for her birthday. She did not even email my mom to say thanks. We even spoke about it and X asked me what her email was and I gave it to her two weeks ago. She still has not told my 62 year old mother thanks for the gift. That is pretty shxty, but that is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to her inconsiderateness the last few months.

 

But my question is, is it even possible for me to tell my EX that I believe she has some emotionaly damage due to her mother's caretaking? I am sure that she knows it on the inside already, but these things run so deep and are difficult to unravel. Even if my x is a very accomplished young surgeon, she sometimes behaved like a six year old emotionally.

 

Just some more insight towards her mom.... my x's sibling eloped out of town when she got married. (sign of nobody is good enough for Mom's daughters). Also, x's sibling has not spoked to her father in 12 years (sign of mom turning daughter agains dad?) but my x does stay in contact with her dad.

 

I didn't want this to get long. I feel like maybe I should count my blessings, I'm just not sure if my x is NPD (we had an amazing relationship for 7 months) or if she is just scarred from her Mother's treatment, and could potentially lead a fulfilling life if she seeked counseling.

[Cabernet34]

Not much interest I don't guess, but

 

After much reading, I'm pretty sure the ex was a narcissist, and I'm sure it's due to unpredictable care given to her by her mother.

 

So so sad, but fascinating reading, that's for sure.

[Geishawhelk]

Such things do tend to run in families. There is an inherited tendency in many mental conditions.

If a parent is prone or succeptible to a certain mental condition, then chances are the child/ren will be also.

 

I don't know whether the genetic pattern is female/female or male/male, or whether it is mixed.....

 

Mind you, I'm reminded of a bumper sticker:

Insanity is hereditary.

Parents get it form their children."

 

Which might be amusing on its own, but occasionally Post-natal depression can turn into something more insiduous if left undiscovered, undiagnosed or untreated.

Bear in mind women used to be committed to mental institutions when suffering from post natal depression....

 

if the mother's condition was untreated and not recognised when your ex was a younger child, then she is more likely, through her behaviour as a parent, to have exacerbated the problem for your ex-.

 

These are all considerations, but in all honesty?

 

I'd keep well away and refrain from becoming involved.

You're not professionally equipped to be able to deal with the wave of dependency that might be triggered by your well-meaning gestures.

 

Just my two little bits......

[Adamagnet]

But my question is, is it even possible for me to tell my EX that I believe she has some emotionaly damage due to her mother's caretaking? I am sure that she knows it on the inside already, but these things run so deep and are difficult to unravel.

 

Why would you even want to stir up the hornet's nest? If she really is a narcissist you'll just piss her off by bringing up negative traits. If your goal is to make sure that you never have a significant relationship with her again, then by all means...

[sb129]

Seeing as she is your ex, I don't see how its your place to inform her of your "diagnosis".

 

I am pretty sure that she will not appreciate what you are saying, and I doubt she will thank you for it, as its no longer any of your business what kind of mental state she is in.

 

NPD is a term thats very easy to apply to a recent ex, usually because you are seeing them in a pretty negative light all round.

 

I would just move on if I were you and forget about her.

[Trialbyfire]

If your ex is narcissistic, put your head down and run like the wind! As someone who married and divorced a diagnosed one, there's no happy ending, just a path that leads to a lot of heartache. Whether her mother scarred her or not, should be moot to you. Trying to understand someone with NPD is like trying to understand what drives a chicken to cross the road.

 

Seriously. Be glad you're the one that got away before committing yourself to marriage.

[You'reasian]

Seeing as she is your ex, I don't see how its your place to inform her of your "diagnosis".

 

I am pretty sure that she will not appreciate what you are saying, and I doubt she will thank you for it, as its no longer any of your business what kind of mental state she is in.

 

NPD is a term thats very easy to apply to a recent ex, usually because you are seeing them in a pretty negative light all round.

 

I would just move on if I were you and forget about her.

 

I have to agree with the above. She is your ex.

 

Can you move on?

 

Instead of diagnosing your ex, shouldn't you be taking care of yourself and maybe trying to find a new nice gf (or staying single)?

[Cabernet34]

I appreciate the responses.

 

Yes I don't think there would ever be a good time to tell her what I am suspicious of.

 

I call her my ex.... we have not exchanged back the ring yet, but we are supposed to do so over the holidays.

 

As I've done lots of research recently, even since posting this thread, my mood has changed from "maybe she will come around" to "finally... I HAVE come around and now I see the situation for what it is worth"

 

The reading was fascinating, and it will help me move on. I know that everyone has narcissisting tendencies and most people who were dumped would bring these tendencies of the ex to light while trying to get over someone. I think the deal with NPD is many of these things cross the line quite a bit.