Would you do this?

[lexi29]

My fiance and I are supposed to move in together next month. We already rented the house and he's paid his part of the security deposit but not the rent (I paid the first month's rent myself) because he can't pay rent until he leaves his current apartment. Ok. so far so good. Now he is making some sacrifices (I think) but he wants to. His son will go to a new school, he will have to drive farther to work (drives half an hour now and when we move it will be almost an hour) but the part he likes is we will live in a really nice house in the country. He will be able to go hunting nearby and his son can play outside in the yard a lot. We will be paying more each month because we'll have to pay a babysitter to get his son on and off the school bus.

 

My fiance would marry me tomorrow if I agreed to it but I still want to wait a few months. Anyway he just recently got laid off from his construction job. He knew for about a week he was going to get laid off. He applied for a new job yesterday (same day he was laid off) If he gets this new job he would be making $4 an hour less than he is now. Which is a big paycut. But this job is only ten minutes from our new home so the drive would be much shorter and he'd save on gas. He thinks he would like the new job. I wouldn't mind if he'd take it temporarily (until he found something better or he gets called back to work) But last night he asked me what I thought about him taking it permanently. He would only have to work Monday through thursday which he'd like and he'd 3 days off. Also he would be working close home and have set hours instead of never knowing what time he will get done at work each day.

 

So I totally understand why he would like this job. But before taxes he would be bringing home about $600 less each month. Which is a pretty big chunk. He says he would be able to pay his half of the rent and his half of the bills but I would probably have to buy all the groceries. Because he wouldnt' have enough money for that. Now before taxes I would be making about $600 more than him a month (cause we both make the same amount now but he gets overtime) so after taxes maybe I'd be bringing home about $400 more than him a month. But I have a $300 car payment and he has no car payment and I have 2 cars on my insurance and he only has one. So I do have more bills than he has. (I also have a credit card I have small balance on and he has no credit cards).

 

I told him I'd think about it. I would like him to work closer to home and I want him to be happy. I just dont' know that I want the extra responsibility of having to pay more of the bills than he does. I mean there are two of them and only one of me. And him and his son eat A LOT! he can buy a gallon of milk and it will only last 2 days at his house. At mine it will last two weeks. So what I spend on groceries right now will double or maybe triple. I know in a marriage you have to make sacrifices but I'm not sure this is a good one. I'm afraid he might use the excuse that he doesn't have enough money for groceries but then go out and buy his son things he wants or things he wants himself (like hunting stuff). That will ulitimately cause me to resent him. and I dont' want that to happen. If it was just an extra $100 a month or something I'd have no problem. But being responsible for our entire food budget just seems like it might be a problem considering how much him and his son eat.

 

I suggested he might look into getting a 2nd part time job but he said he'd never be home to see us so I understand his reluctance with that as well.

He's always been a hard worker since I've known him and maybe I'm gun shy because my sister is married and her husband expects HER to support them while he tries to find a job he likes (he job hops and is never happy working anywhere) so she ends up being responsible for most of their bills and it puts so much stress on her. I don't want that to happen to me. I know this is crazy because honestly I don't think its the case but I just have a fear that he wants to marry me, thinking I will take care of him and his son and make his life easier. I suggested he go after his ex for child support because even if he only gets $200 a month that would help him take this lower paying job. He says his ex will never work so we'll never see a dime. But I think its worth a try.

 

Would you be ok with an SO taking a lower paying job and you having to pay more of the bills etc?

[hotgurl]

it sounds like you guys are living pretty much month to month.

 

You need to sit down with him and put all yours bill (his included) into a spreadsheet and see if you'll be making enough with his pay cut to cover everything?

 

HOw much do he spends on groceries, how much do you etc..

 

 

Have you talked about money yet. Are you keeping it spereate or pooling it together?

[2sure]

It sounds like without the extra money, you will both be struggling financially just to cover your expenses, and not be able to plan for the future at all. This is not good for the family you are creating.

 

While I would CERTAINLY be supportive if my partner lost his job, had to take a pay cut,etc - all temporary set backs ....But to say :YES, I'm OK with you PERMANENTLY earning less...No. If we could afford it, sure. But you can't.

[lexi29]

Right now all our finances are separate. When we did premarital counseling we figured our finances together and made a plan. However the place we found to rent is a few hundred dollars more a month than the house we wanted to buy at the time. Also we planned this with both of us making what we do at our current jobs and we had a surplus every month.

 

I am not living month to month- I have money saved and also try to save a little more every month. My fiance, on the other hand does not have any savings. And he does live month to month, but with a lot of extras (if his son wants something he buys it- just bought him a $40 playstation game, we've gone out to dinner twice this month where he paid, and he'll pick up McDonalds for him and his son about once a week for dinner. Also he smokes and he'll give his son money for school things- just gave him $30 for Santa's workshop yesterday even though he just got laid off.

 

He always pays his bills but he definately spends all his extra money once the bills are paid.

 

He probably spends about $400-$500 month on food! I might spend $150 a month and I have pets so some of that money is spent on their food.

 

Technically I could probably afford to buy all the groceries for him and his son too but I would have to cut out any extras for myself (clothes, donating to animal shelters, eating out, etc) and it would be tight. We plan to keep our finances in two separate accounts and each pay for our half of the rent and all the bills.

[2ndWife]

Personally I understand where your frustration is coming from... this is not what you expected and agreed to.

 

The fact that you will, or will not, get married soon should not change the way a couple perceives how the money should be managed. One does not get married to make his life miserable. Or feeling resentful against the other person. It is to make each other a better person. And live a better life.

 

With that in mind, sacrifice or making compromises when necessary is essential in a marriage/partnership. We can't predict the economic downturn - therefore when one is under going a career crisis during this time, the other should definitely help. But this shouldn't be a long term thing. If the economic is going well tomorrow, he's expected to find a job that pays better, and share more financial responsibilities. Do you think he can do it and will do it?

 

I remember in a few old post of yours, you talked about the way he manages his money and some sort of argument over the expenses on the wedding and stuff (hopefully my memory did not fail on me) If that's the case then you two should discuss about this issue more carefully. I totally agree with hotgurl and others. Sit him down and work on a spreadsheet. List all the expenses (including your own spending money for luxuries, donations, etc. and his spending money) which you agreed before. Then add a new column that specifies the new budgeted expenses after the pay cut - and you have to both agree to the new budget - stand firmly on your ground. Tell him this is "temporary". Whenever the chance for getting a better job comes up, he has to go back to that.... Do you know why? If you are going to spend the rest of your life together, the kid will grow up and you two will spend way more money than what you are spending now. Not to mention having the second, third kids in the future.

[lexi29]

Personally I understand where your frustration is coming from... this is not what you expected and agreed to.

 

The fact that you will, or will not, get married soon should not change the way a couple perceives how the money should be managed. One does not get married to make his life miserable. Or feeling resentful against the other person. It is to make each other a better person. And live a better life.

 

With that in mind, sacrifice or making compromises when necessary is essential in a marriage/partnership. We can't predict the economic downturn - therefore when one is under going a career crisis during this time, the other should definitely help. But this shouldn't be a long term thing. If the economic is going well tomorrow, he's expected to find a job that pays better, and share more financial responsibilities. Do you think he can do it and will do it?

 

I remember in a few old post of yours, you talked about the way he manages his money and some sort of argument over the expenses on the wedding and stuff (hopefully my memory did not fail on me) If that's the case then you two should discuss about this issue more carefully. I totally agree with hotgurl and others. Sit him down and work on a spreadsheet. List all the expenses (including your own spending money for luxuries, donations, etc. and his spending money) which you agreed before. Then add a new column that specifies the new budgeted expenses after the pay cut - and you have to both agree to the new budget - stand firmly on your ground. Tell him this is "temporary". Whenever the chance for getting a better job comes up, he has to go back to that.... Do you know why? If you are going to spend the rest of your life together, the kid will grow up and you two will spend way more money than what you are spending now. Not to mention having the second, third kids in the future.

 

 

I am going to sit down with him tonight and make a spreadsheet of our expenses. I think I am just resentful and stressed right now because I am paying for the entire rent on our new house and we haven't moved in yet. And I'm paying an extra $800 a month for a place I can't even live in yet. That's $800 I could have used toward christmas gifts. But we had to rent the place unless we wanted to miss out on it and it nearly perfect for us so I agreed to take on the rent by myself until he can get out of his apartment (he only has 2 months left on his lease and the landlord said if we can find someone to rent the place before then he will let him out of the lease. So far no luck.

 

I honestly wouldn't mind him taking a lesser paying job if he would learn to manage his finances better (not live like he has the higher paying job which is what I'm afraid of since he's had this job for the last five years). When something is important to him, he saves the money or manages to scrap together enough to pay for what he wants (example our wedding stuff). He probably paid out about $2000 for everything (not including my rings) and yet if we hadn't been planning a wedding he would have just blown that money on eating out or buying stuff for his son (games toys he wants). Certain things bother me now that I don't anticipate bothering me when we get married because then I will feel like I have an actual responsibility to pay for certain things for his son and not that I am just doing it to be nice. For example, my fiance finds a way to afford buying his son video games or movies when he wants them (about once a month or more) and he recently bought him a PsP (portable playstation) that cost almost $300 and he got him this for no reason at all other than his son WANTED it. He did tie it into him getting good grades (told him he had to get an A on a certain test) but he spent $200+ on a game that his son played with for 2 weeks and hasn't touched since and yet I had to go out and buy most of his school clothes (spent about $200) because my fiance didnt' have the money to do so (was paying for wedding stuff so maybe that's a fair trade) and I didnt' want his son to have to wear stuff that was too small for him etc.

 

I have done this for the last 3 years so I think my fiance has come to expect it and while I dont' mind doing it for the child's sake, it does irritate me that both of his parents cry "poor" and step aside and let me take on the responsibilit and yet they are able to afford other things. So I think that is where the issues are coming from. I'm afraid my fiance might expect me to take on more bills because he would be making less money, yet he will continue to buy stuff he and his son want and think that's ok that I am paying more for us to live together.

 

As you said, getting married/living together should make both of our lives better, not just his.

[laRubiaBonita]

what is the lease term?

 

i wonder if it would be possible for y'all to do a month to month lease, so you are not locked in for a year or two.

 

that way, if things do get super tight.... like utilities- esp. in the winter, you will have the option to opt out.

[Enema]

Doesn't sound very fair of him to expect you to pick up the food budget.

 

I think it was Gunny on here who suggested that a fair way to work out how much you both pay a month is with percentages. ie. You both put aside X% of your earnings to pay for the bills, anything extra goes into a joint savings account for emergencies.

 

If you're right on the line of surviving with your income, you can work out mathematically what % you need to set aside as a minimum.

 

eg. If your total bills for the month including rent/electricity/food comes to: $1500.

And, if you earn: $3000

And, if he earns: $2000

 

Then, you both have to pay exactly 30% of your income to meet the bills.

30% of $3000 = $900

30% of $2000 = $600

Together = $1500

 

So, that's one way you could handle it. Not sure I agree with it in your case though. Your guy shouldn't expect you to pick up his slack.

[allina]

I think you need to protect yourself and any assets you have. What I see happening here is you taking on more and more of his financial responsibility and him always having an excuse for why you need to pay the electric bill and buy groceries that month. There are signs in every aspect of this relationship that scream "don't do it!"

[2ndWife]

Lexi, resentment towards your SO is not a good situation to be in. I've been there before and I know it's hard to get out of that situation.

 

I resented my hubby (just married) that he financially supported his adult daughters, 26/27. He bought a big house, and pays most of the utilities/renovations, where they live with their BF and fiance. He even lent money to his ex-wife so she can buy a new car.... while we live in the small apartment which I bought for 10 years and still owes the bank a small amount of money. Now I've cleared my head and passed that stage already. Hopefully you will someday.... as long as you figure out why you resent him for what he does and the solutions to issues you two have.

 

Lexi if we get back to the basics.... you need to take care and love yourself before you can take care of others and love them. Do you think you are doing this? It's good to help a kid, even a kid who you don't know and not related to; it's also exciting to be with a man who you love, move in together, and build a future together. But, have you asked yourself these questions?

 

What are those that you want in your life?

Where do you see yourself in the next 5, 10, 20 years? (not an interview question)

Are you happy being with this man?

Does he make you happy?

What it is about this man that attract you the most?

Looking back, is this the same man that you've known three years ago?

Does this man love you as much as he loves himself (or more)?

Do you think this is the man who will make you a better person, and give you a better life when he can?

Do you think he can help you accomplish your goals in life? (example, having kids with him; traveling together like a family, etc)

 

When you ask yourself these questions, if you don't see yourself being with this guy.... then it's not the question of whether you are ready or not, to get married. It's a question of whether he is the right guy to be married to. Forget about the X'mas present. Forget about his kid and forget about his other kid that he might not know. Forget about the fact that you are paying for the rent of the house which you have not even moved in, for the time being. Issues can be solved if two people want to be together. But if two people are not meant to be together, it just won't work no matter how hard you try.

[Lauriebell82]

Do you have PM Lexi?

[Sunshine11]

I agree that resentment towards your SO is not a good thing. I completely see where you're coming from, but I'm going to be the devil's advocate here, because I feel the posts have been a bit one-sided.

 

1) I think it's great that he found a new job so quickly

2) I think it's great that it's close to home

3) It's great that it has regular hours

4) It's great that his commute will be 1h 50min less per day (saving on gas! (and the environment))

5) It's great he'll be around his son so much more

6) It's great that he's asking your opinion about everything, and he's even thought of things like groceries

 

There are a number of relationships where the woman earns more than the man. If you choose to stay with him, you could turn this situation into a good thing. If YOU are doing the grocery shopping, YOU can buy what's on sale, and what's healthy. A young son is going to continue to eat like a horse, but as long as he's active and healthy, that's normal. But your SO should not be eating like his son does. Milk is a good think--especially skim. But is he buying beef jerkey and potato chips? My hope is that if you agree to take on more expenditures, you'll have more control over excess spending. Also, it is likely important for him to have spending money for his hunting gear and his son. Maybe not very much, but he'll start to resent you if he doesn't. So that should be worked into the budget as well. If it turns out you can't afford to stay where you're living, so be it.

 

I agree that an expenditures spreadsheet is a must. I think things might be easier if you eventually choose to merge your finances, because then it's not that "I" am paying all these bills; it's "we" are paying all these bills. And please keep your savings--that rainy day fund is super important.

 

It sounds like you're at that stage where you guys aren't committed enough to share everything, but you're serious enough to want to do what you can for each other. Your SO just got laid off--that sucks. And life circumstances can change.

 

This might be a good time to go to counseling again now that you are faced with something new and challenging. I believe the majority of divorces revolve around finances, so this is a big issue that you need to resolve together, and it's okay to get outside help.

 

Best of luck to you!

[lexi29]

Do you have PM Lexi?

 

Yes, I do have PM.

[lexi29]

I agree that resentment towards your SO is not a good thing. I completely see where you're coming from, but I'm going to be the devil's advocate here, because I feel the posts have been a bit one-sided.

 

1) I think it's great that he found a new job so quickly

2) I think it's great that it's close to home

3) It's great that it has regular hours

4) It's great that his commute will be 1h 50min less per day (saving on gas! (and the environment))

5) It's great he'll be around his son so much more

6) It's great that he's asking your opinion about everything, and he's even thought of things like groceries

 

There are a number of relationships where the woman earns more than the man. If you choose to stay with him, you could turn this situation into a good thing. If YOU are doing the grocery shopping, YOU can buy what's on sale, and what's healthy. A young son is going to continue to eat like a horse, but as long as he's active and healthy, that's normal. But your SO should not be eating like his son does. Milk is a good think--especially skim. But is he buying beef jerkey and potato chips? My hope is that if you agree to take on more expenditures, you'll have more control over excess spending. Also, it is likely important for him to have spending money for his hunting gear and his son. Maybe not very much, but he'll start to resent you if he doesn't. So that should be worked into the budget as well. If it turns out you can't afford to stay where you're living, so be it.

 

I agree that an expenditures spreadsheet is a must. I think things might be easier if you eventually choose to merge your finances, because then it's not that "I" am paying all these bills; it's "we" are paying all these bills. And please keep your savings--that rainy day fund is super important.

 

It sounds like you're at that stage where you guys aren't committed enough to share everything, but you're serious enough to want to do what you can for each other. Your SO just got laid off--that sucks. And life circumstances can change.

 

This might be a good time to go to counseling again now that you are faced with something new and challenging. I believe the majority of divorces revolve around finances, so this is a big issue that you need to resolve together, and it's okay to get outside help.

 

Best of luck to you!

 

 

Thanks for playing devil's advocate. But he hasn't found a new job yet. It was just a job he applied for and he was trying to figure out if he could afford to live at the new wage. Yes, it will be much better for HIM that he's closer to work, less gas $, regular hours etc. I would be happy for him to find a job like that. My issue however is that he was asking me to supplement his income (buy all the groceries or pay all of other bills because he'd be making less money than me) but he was refusing to use extra money he has coming (a tax refund of about $4000) to supplement his own income and instead was insistent (and actually got mad at me for suggesting he do something practical with the $) about using this extra money to buy himself and his a go-kart!! That is my issue. I wouldn't mind helping an SO who is laid off or forced to take a lower paying job. But dont cry poor and expect me to take on the burden and then run out when you get a large sum of money and buy a toy for youself! That is my issue.

 

We talked about it this weekend and I'm still iffy about the situation. He says I should know he would only use the money to buy the go-kart if he has all his bills paid up and he can use it as extra money. He says he and his son really want this toy and he works hard so if he has the extra money he will buy it. I don't have a problem if that is the case, but I will get very resentful if he spends his $4000 on an entertainment item and then a few months down the road I have to pick up the slack because he can't pay his share of the bills or he can't scrape together a few hundred dollars to go on vacation this summer (something that is very important to me). I asked him why he got mad at me for suggesting he save his tax refund check or to spend it on practical things if he was planning to pay his bills first anyway and he said he doesn't know. He said he also isn't going to take that lower paying job if its offered because he can't afford to live on that much less $. I just dont' know what to think.

[lexi29]

"There are a number of relationships where the woman earns more than the man. If you choose to stay with him, you could turn this situation into a good thing. If YOU are doing the grocery shopping, YOU can buy what's on sale, and what's healthy. A young son is going to continue to eat like a horse, but as long as he's active and healthy, that's normal. But your SO should not be eating like his son does. Milk is a good think--especially skim. But is he buying beef jerkey and potato chips? My hope is that if you agree to take on more expenditures, you'll have more control over excess spending. Also, it is likely important for him to have spending money for his hunting gear and his son. Maybe not very much, but he'll start to resent you if he doesn't. So that should be worked into the budget as well. If it turns out you can't afford to stay where you're living, so be it."

 

Also to address this- I understand that doing the grocery shopping can be a good thing etc. His son actually does not eat much at all- lives on chicken noodle soup, cereal and chicken nuggets mostly. Very finicky eater. The problem is my fiance consumes A LOT of food. He's not overweight but he eats as much as possible. It would be a huge budget to feed him. He probably spends more $ on food than he does on rent. When I go shopping I can go twice a month and spend maybe $200 for the month. I can make everything last the entire month if I have to. I don't live paycheck to paycheck (like my fiance) so I don't have to make my food last but my point is I don't eat a lot. If I buy a half gallon of milk it will last 2 weeks. If my fiance buys a gallon it lasts 2 days. For example- I made brownies this weekend. If I were by myself I might eat one a day and the brownies would last a few days. I'd probably even take some to work and give them away. The whole pan was gone (I had one) in less than 8 hours. My fiance ate them all. This is how he is with food and money. He will just eat or spend till its gone and then worry about it. Sometimes if he runs out of groceries (and has no money till he gets paid at the end of the week) he will just not eat for a few days or he will get a few dollars together and buy fast food.

 

His son can eat half a box of cereal in a day. He eats three cans of chicken noodle soup at a time. I eat one can at a time and a box of cereal can last me a month. A two liter of pop will last me a week. It lasts them a few hours. So paying for all of groceries would be a huge extra bill for

me.

 

I get what you are saying about he needs to be able to spend money on extras like hunting gear. But to me a place to live is most important. If we had to find a cheaper place to live just so he can buy hunting stuff, well that is a relationship I don't want to be in. Your home is most important and THEN you spend money on extras if you have it. Our place isn't the cheapest (but then its a rental and I have pets and its hard to find a place that allows pets) Also its out in the country and has a yard and a garage and enough space for our belongings. So while the rent itself isn't breaking the bank, if he is not working we do need to watch what we spend. If hunting stuff (or toys) is that important to him, he needs to think about getting a 2nd job, or a better paying job, or giving up something (like smoking) or cable tv to be able to enjoy the extras. I love shoes and clothes and love taking vacations- but if I can't pay my bills then I have to skimp on buying stuff I like or going away. But I'd never expect anyone else to take on my responsibilities (paying my bills) so I could go buy shoes.

[Enema]

Sounds like you already know what is acceptable to you and what isn't. The question is, what are you going to do about it?

 

FWIW, I agree with you completely.He's taking you for granted and being a bit of a jerk about it.

[Sunshine11]

I agree with Enema, it sounds like you have different priorities. It's not your job to help him eat and spend less, although you could certainly try to help if you want to. And some people like their toys better than a nice home. I, like you, prefer a nice place to come home to. So the question is, is this relationship worth making these changes for? If so, is it worth going to counseling for? Either way, I encourage you to define your limits, and take care of yourself first, then them. Remember, you're #1--you first.