Brink of getting divorced

[learner911]

Didn't know that there was such a cool forum out here. Really found it interesting.

 

Me and my wife of 2 years are busy getting divorced. One day out of the blue she basically started picking fights with me or trying to walk all over me. I'll usually not take this kind of abuse and told her that I won't put up with her abusive behaviour. After a lot of arguments (we never used to argue) she told me that she wanted a divorce.

 

After she told me she wanted a divorce I didn't take her seriously as I couldn't believe it. (Up until now I didn't know that I could be such an idiot for not taking her seriously) I told her to go right ahead as I was sure she had no intent on doing it. The next day she said she found a place and will be moving shortly. Still I wasn't a believer. Eventually she moved. Wow, what an idiot I was.

 

I called her and tried to get her back but nothing would work. I started to think there must be another man (but could not find anything to prove it) Eventually I told her that if she's not back within a month I would file for divorce as I cannot justify her reasons for just leaving. (Didn't make sense to me) I've never treated her badly and always treated her well, looked after her, made time for her and us daily, etc. contrary to what she's saying as she was saying that she felt alone in the relationship, un-appreciated, etc.

 

 

After two months of seperation I filed for divorce and told her that I've given her 2 months and that is as far as I'm willing to go - I said it's still not too late for us but it all depends on her as I'm willing to forgive and forget her mistake of moving out - and that I promise that I'll try my best to give her 100% what she needs from me. She flatly declined my offer and said it's not that easy.

 

Now 3 days after I started the procedings she phoned me to ask how I am doing and told me that she stopped feeling the way she felt for me after we got married. She also said that she'll phone me again. Why is she doing this? She knows I started the proceedings and basically closed the chapter on this and want to pick up the pieces and move forward with my life without her in it.

[Gowithflow]

Classic response. Chances are very strong there is another guy. It may not be going as well as she had planned. Hence the calls. You need to go "No Contact". Trust in it. Especially if there are no kids involved. If she calls, let her do ALL of the talking, or just hang up. Spare yourself years of misery.

[imagine]

Learner, you are about to live up to your name:

 

Firstly, Go has told you the classic reason -infidelity.

 

Her emotional needs are being met elsewhere. Some of them you met and this is why she needs to maintain contact.

 

Secondly, you did what most of us guys do. You didn't listen. This listening process requires a specially tuned ear - what they say is NOT always what they mean.

 

Thirdly, you didn't do nutting. Were you not at all interested why she left instead of giving ultimatums?

 

Fourthly, I am advising you to take up the responsibility of a husband to preserve a marriage. Please consult MARRIAGEBUILDERS.COM articles as to a guide on this and future relationships. Keep in touch.

[Ronni_W]

There does NOT need to have been another guy for her to have arrived at the realization/conclusion that you did not intend to take seriously her concerns, issues, opinions, ideas, feelings, needs, and whatever else you started ignoring after the honeymoon.

 

It is quite possible that you are the ONLY guy who helped her to see and understand that her marriage was not going to be supportive of her "stuff", and that she was not going to be heard and understood in the ways that she wants and needs from her spouse.

[TrustInYourself]

It's not clear what you want. It's not clear what she wants. But by your own admission, you were responsible for your current situation. You ignored her and argued with her, without trying to understand her.

 

Even now, you are drawing lines in the sand. Sure, they'll get you through this quickly and cleanly. But you'll be dealing with the emotional reprecussions sometime in the future.

 

Ultimately, it's up to you. If you are cool with this line of action, go with it and I wish you the very best.

 

The phone calls show she's willing and is extending some signs of working with you. Sure, there could be another man. Quite possibly. But who knows. By pushing this divorce and following through, you are making her very aware of the consequences of her actions and perhaps she is now starting to realize those consequences. Maybe it's a form of control on her part. She wants to hold onto you.

 

It really depends. All I know is fighting and arguing over nothing, leads to depletions of the almighty "Love Bank". You can easily start making fresh deposits with some time and patience.

[Ronni_W]

Some excellent points, TIY. I hope Learner is listening...and learning .

Too many struggles for power/control. She threatens to manipulate one aspect, then he threatens back to regain control and/or manipulate something else.

 

Morbid dance of marital disharmony and destruction. No genuine attempts at communicating, understanding or collaborating. Sad.

[TrustInYourself]

Some excellent points, TIY. I hope Learner is listening...and learning .

Too many struggles for power/control. She threatens to manipulate one aspect, then he threatens back to regain control and/or manipulate something else.

 

Morbid dance of marital disharmony and destruction. No genuine attempts at communicating, understanding or collaborating. Sad.

 

Youth and our backgrounds speak volumes on how we "conduct" our marriages. There is no school that teaches us all how to be married. We learn through trial and error. The problem is that continual problems, anger, disagreements and misunderstandings destroy love. It is a cycle that is hard to break, without deep reserves of either maturity, selflessness, or compassion.

[learner911]

Thanks for the insights.

 

Personally I think this is all a mess over nothing - but this is probably what caused everything. In my book I was content/happy. In her book she was extremely unhappy and me being ok I didn't realize were she was. I think the reason for this is because she constantly required validation from me, assurance, were uncertain/insecure, etc. I felt like a parent to her, constantly validating her, and doing the stuff for her a parent would do for her. In a sense she was extremely emotionally demanding. This kind of started working on my nerves at times but I never said anything, never pointed a finger, just accepted her for who she is and wrote it off as everybody having their own issues. In a sense not always taking her issues seriously probably lead to this. Writing this is kind of making things more clear to me.

 

We went to see a councelor on my request. At the start he pointed out that she felt like a child and I like a parent and this was our problem. After many counceling sessions I told the councelor that we are getting nowhere and I'll be giving her an ultimatum. He didn't object as I believe he came from the standpoint that if she was so unhappy then she would be better off without me. After our counceling sessions ended and I told him that I started divorce proceedings he told me that the day she left she must have decided that it's over as it would seem that she had no intent of fixing anything even though I and he did our best to work things out and get her back.

 

When she left she basically turned into an alien. It's as if my wife left the planet and was invaded by an alien. I must say that divorce is an extremely messy business. I don't think I would have married her or any one as easilly if I knew divorce was this bad. I'd still like to work things out but I cannot go on like this for months on end as it is sucking the life out of me, killing the business that I'm running that took years to build, etc...

[Ronni_W]

Learner,

The theory of Parent-Child dynamics between two (or more) adults is from Transactional Analysis. Eric Berne's book 'Games People Play' may be interesting reading for you.

 

The thing about it is that it is as dysfunctional for one adult (you) to take on the role of Parent to another adult, as it is for another adult (your estranged wife) to take on the role of Child. You BOTH enabled the dynamics...she could not have done it on her own, without your full participation. All unconsciously, of course. Point is that you are as responsible as she is, for the resulting dysfunctions and negative outcomes.

 

TA's whole deal is to help us have Adult-Adult relationships. It attempts to take an adult Parent (you) from 'passive-aggressive caretaker' to assertive adult; and to take an adult Child from 'passive-aggressive dependent' to assertive adult. The goal is healthy interdependence, self-reliance, empathy, genuine & equal partnership, etc.

 

If your interpretation/summary of your counseling sessions is accurate, then that counselor sucked, in my opinion and experience. You are NOT an innocent bystander, victim of your estranged wife's "issues". You were an integral part of the relationship, and you engaged in an equal amount of codependency.

[amaysngrace]

I was treated like a child by my husband and I resented the hell out of it. I saw him as controlling. Even when he suggested seeing a marriage counselor I thought I was, once again, doing just what he wanted because I had no desire to be there.

 

She's being nice to you, checking up on you, and making time for you because she wants something from you. Maybe she wants more from the divorce than you are willing to give. Probably. That'd be her only motive for going along with you now.

 

Otherwise she'd just tell you to F off.