No longer sexually attracted to wife

[Tyrone]

I've been in a common law relationship with a woman for the lat 11 years. She's 56 and I'm 50. She's very much become my best friend. Initially we had a fairly health sex life.

 

As time goes by we're having sex less and less. It's at the point where we haven't had much of a sex life for the last 4 years. She has gone through menopause and is presently depressed with no libido.

 

I'm a very young 50 and have made fitness and health a priority in my life. I've tried to encourage my wife to stay in shape but she does not -- I got her a gym membership -- she will not go. During the last 5 years she has continue to gain weight.

 

As a result I am no longer sexually attracted to her. It's a real conflict because she's still my best friend.

 

I don't want to spend the next 10-15 years of my life trying to have a normal sex life with someone that is incapable of having one. I know that sex is not the only part of a relationship but it is an important one for me.

 

We are going to go to see a therapist but don't know if it's going to work out. Any words of advise would be most helpful.

 

Thanks

[Geishawhelk]

She may well still be going through menopause.

I'm 52, and haven't even started....

 

I think you need to maybe investigate loss of libido in women (it is extremely, extremely common) and maybe also investigate the effects of menopause too.

You could become more of an expert than she is....!

 

Bear in mind that to many women, the Menopause is a time when society as a whole has ingrained the notion that something is over. Done with. part of a woman has died, is useless and redundant.

That in itself is very depressing!

 

However, this stereotype should be squashed and obliterated.

If a woman has her menopause between, say, the ages of 45 - 55.... how much time does she theoretically have left to live?

 

Answer: At least, guesstimating, around 30 - 40 years! That's a whole new lifetime!

 

She may feel very despondent about this stage of her life.

her depression may be contributing to her lack of self-esteem.

You need to find out how she feels about all this....

 

I realise you feel you may be losing out.

But she may feel she's lost it all already.

[TrustInYourself]

The question is, does she understand that one of your needs is for her to love herself? Does she understand the importance of looking good and how it relates to your happiness with her?

 

These are things that need to be understood. She has needs that you fulfill on a daily basis. If you are not falling short on your end, then she should not be falling short on her end.

 

With that being said, are you sure that you are doing what you need to do to ensure she is willing to remain in this partnership? Are you being a good husband and companion. Are you building on your relationship and evolving with her as you both mature?

[whichwayisup]

She has gone through menopause and is presently depressed with no libido.

Continue therapy, try to be positive and also reconnect again on an emotional level too. This isn't just about sex, it's about bringing back what brought you two together in the first place. Holding hands, making out and being silly, having fun. Laughing and enjoying eachothers company.

 

In time with the help of therapy and maybe meds, she can become sexual again. This isn't her fault and she's not doing it on purpose. I mean, other than the non action in the bedroom, how is the rest of the relationship? Are you happy? If so, then stick with her and when the time comes she is feeling sexual again, continue with therapy and maybe even see a sex therapist to bring the spice back into the bedroom.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

I've been in a common law relationship with a woman for the lat 11 years. She's 56 and I'm 50. She's very much become my best friend. Initially we had a fairly health sex life.

 

As time goes by we're having sex less and less. It's at the point where we haven't had much of a sex life for the last 4 years. She has gone through menopause and is presently depressed with no libido.

 

I'm a very young 50 and have made fitness and health a priority in my life. I've tried to encourage my wife to stay in shape but she does not -- I got her a gym membership -- she will not go. During the last 5 years she has continue to gain weight.

 

As a result I am no longer sexually attracted to her. It's a real conflict because she's still my best friend.

 

I don't want to spend the next 10-15 years of my life trying to have a normal sex life with someone that is incapable of having one. I know that sex is not the only part of a relationship but it is an important one for me.

 

We are going to go to see a therapist but don't know if it's going to work out. Any words of advise would be most helpful.

 

Thanks

Let's say she began going to the gym every day and got fit, was no longer depressed, and her libido went up. Is this all it would take for you to be attracted to her?

 

It sounds like a different in lifestyles and her body changing, along with the depression.

 

Seems like a therapist would be able to help, unless one or both of you are not into it.

[Tyrone]

Thanks so much for the words of advise.

 

I guess we'll address many of these issues with our therapist. I realize a lot of these things she can't help but I don't want to spend the rest of my days wondering what it would have been like to have a fulfilling sex life.

[Geishawhelk]

Well, I'm sorry, but with everything everyone has given you as input, all you're focussing on is the sex.

 

Forget - the - sex.

 

For now.

Focus on everything everyone has suggested you deal with.

Put sex on the back burner.

because sure as eggs is eggs, if you don't address the other factors, the sex will always be a no-no.

And someone posted something extremely insightful (or along these lines) the other day:

 

You spend a lot of time, effort and energy to find out why there is no sex - and then you find out, why there is no sex.

Simply because you find the reason, that's no guarantee that the sex will then resume. All you've done is succeed in finding the reason.

Finding the solution, is a whole different ball-game.

[Tyrone]

Thanks... but I've had to forget sex for the last 4 years and it's been on the back burner. However, I know there are other issues that will arise during therapy and will be looking at everything.

[2sunny]

Thanks... but I've had to forget sex for the last 4 years and it's been on the back burner. However, I know there are other issues that will arise during therapy and will be looking at everything.

 

looks to me like you turned your wife in for a newer model. it's ok mainly because technically, she's not your wife.

 

my question at this point is, did you leave your wife (common law) before you started dating the 26 year old gal you are now seeing?

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

I was going to ask what 2sunny was referring too?

 

Then I clicked on Tyrone's s/n and viewed his other post.

 

How do you intend to accomplish anything positive with your common law wife while banging some 26 yo on the side? I think many men would think it ideal to be banging someone half their age when they are in their 50's. If it is ideal for you great; then completely finish one relationship in it's entirety before starting the next one!

 

You're a dog and you know it...

[edgeof27]

Thanks... but I've had to forget sex for the last 4 years and it's been on the back burner. However, I know there are other issues that will arise during therapy and will be looking at everything.

 

looks to me like you turned your wife in for a newer model. it's ok mainly because technically, she's not your wife.

 

my question at this point is, did you leave your wife (common law) before you started dating the 26 year old gal you are now seeing?

 

2sunny,

 

sorry, but is there some information missing here,

 

we jump from "4 years no sex" to "the 26 year old gal",

 

was there a deletion,

 

g....

 

Oooops, now I see.......hmmmm,

 

g....

[whichwayisup]

I have to ask. IS the weight gain because your wife has had your children???

[toddro]

Sex does not automaticly equal love...

 

Do you need sex or do you need love? And are you able to seperate the two or are you or her willing to?

 

If all you need is to get laid and she is not interested in "sex" then be honest about it and tell her you need to get laid, that you would like to do that with her but if she is not in the same place, then you need to get sex from somewhere else. Hell you can have "sex" by yourself. If she is evolved and secure she will not have a problem with this.

[OneFootOut]

Gosh maybe his "wife" is depressed and gaining weight and has no self esteem because he is cheating on her with a 26 yr old. I bet if he was treating her with all of the admiration, excitement, and fun attention he is treating the girlfriend with, she'd feel a reason to take care of herself better and cheer up.

 

By the same token, when he starts treating that gf like he has been treating the wife, she will get moody, depressed, and gain weight as well, unless she walks away first.

 

"My wife is gaining weight and in a funk, so I'm getting it somewhere else"

 

I'm hearing- (its all her fault that I'm cheating, because she is going through a tough stage in life and has been depressed and gained weight instead of going to the gym every day and making sure she fits my standards so she can keep me turned on)

 

You've already checked out of the relationship, and now you seem to want your cake and eat it too. You have a long history with her. Do you care at all about her? Stop stringing her along for your own selfish needs and let her go find someone that will appreciate her and find her attractive just the way she is.

 

 

I'm not much of one to give advice due to my own situation, but this sort of thing gets under my skin. And OP, don't even try to bring up "poor me, 4 years without sex" with ME. If you don't want your wife anymore, you need to finish that relationship and help her move on before you go getting your thrills with someone else.

[lkjh]

In case you guys didn't noticed he started this thread in December about how he doesn't have sex with his wife. Yesterday he started the one about the 26 year old. He also said in the other thread that he just started with the 26 year old and it moved really fast. For all we know after 4 years of no sex he moved on. This may shock a lot of women but men have needs to. If you deny them sex for several years and don't take care of yourself, we will find you less attractive. Lets wait and see if he is cheating or if he split with his common law wife.

 

Onefootout,

Why is it bad for a man to want sex on a regular basis from his wife instead of once every 4 years? Don't we have needs to? Why is it ok for a woman to complain about all of her needs? Would it really hurt women now of days to put a little effort in? Marriage is not just about the woman's needs, its also about the mans.

[OneFootOut]

 

Onefootout,

Why is it bad for a man to want sex on a regular basis from his wife instead of once every 4 years? Don't we have needs to? Why is it OK for a woman to complain about all of her needs? Would it really hurt women now of days to put a little effort in? Marriage is not just about the woman's needs, its also about the mans.

 

What is not alright is having an affair while you are still in a relationship with someone. Everyone has needs, but everyone also has a responsibility to put an end to one relationship before starting into another one. It's simply unfair to blame a partner for causing your own indiscretion. "She got fat, he worked too much", etc. You ultimately make your own decision, so claim it and own it instead of trying to excuse it by putting the responsibility on your partner for "making you cheat, because he/she wasn't up to your standards anymore".

 

Funny how society seems to accept when a man cheats. "Poor thing, his wife wasn't giving him any, so who could blame him?"

 

If I would have cheated on my husband, I would have been a slut and a home-wrecking whore.

 

It's called maturity. It's called understanding people go through changes and have ups and downs through life. It's called having some compassion for someone who you have built a life with for so long that you either try to fix it or end it together and help them move on before you run off and get your jollies.

 

 

But like I admitted, I am in no mood or position to be handing out advice, because I am looking for some myself. I'm frustrated and tired and confused and even getting a little angry at this point.. and I'm not even sure why.

[Geishawhelk]

I have to say it do seem kinda brainless to be posting at one point about how bad sex is with the spouse, and then be asking advice on how to converse with a new lover (half one's age) in the next breath, as it were, with no interim infill.....

 

You'd think anyone with half an ounce of decency and common sense would come in at some point in between, and at least give an update.....

[Lizzie60]

He posted this thread on Dec. 10th.. so it's been 2 months.. maybe his 'statute' has changed since .. He posted about the young woman yesterday.. so I don't know if he has said anything about his separation or if he's still with his W..

[edgeof27]

What is not alright is having an affair while you are still in a relationship with someone. Everyone has needs, but everyone also has a responsibility to put an end to one relationship before starting into another one. It's simply unfair to blame a partner for causing your own indiscretion. "She got fat, he worked too much", etc. You ultimately make your own decision, so claim it and own it instead of trying to excuse it by putting the responsibility on your partner for "making you cheat, because he/she wasn't up to your standards anymore".

 

Funny how society seems to accept when a man cheats. "Poor thing, his wife wasn't giving him any, so who could blame him?"

 

If I would have cheated on my husband, I would have been a slut and a home-wrecking whore.

 

It's called maturity. It's called understanding people go through changes and have ups and downs through life. It's called having some compassion for someone who you have built a life with for so long that you either try to fix it or end it together and help them move on before you run off and get your jollies.

 

 

But like I admitted, I am in no mood or position to be handing out advice, because I am looking for some myself. I'm frustrated and tired and confused and even getting a little angry at this point.. and I'm not even sure why.

 

People,

 

no sense on anyone getting angry at anyone else on here,

 

sh*t,

 

anger hasn't helped any of us at this point,

 

we all have different ways of dealing with "stress",

 

just remember the first "golden rule" of e-mail;

 

"Do not reply in haste, or, anger, or, emotional unbalance",

 

sorry,

 

but this place works best for us all when we are not fighting,

 

sure we can disagree,

 

but we have to agree to disagree,

 

"can't we all just get along",

 

g....

[lkjh]

He posted this thread on Dec. 10th.. so it's been 2 months.. maybe his 'statute' has changed since .. He posted about the young woman yesterday.. so I don't know if he has said anything about his separation or if he's still with his W..

 

 

Exactly what Im saying. We don't know if he is still with his common law wife, these threads are two and half months apart.

[lkjh]

Considering the fact that this thread was started in the separation section and its over 2 months old, isn't it possible that you are jumping to conclusions about him cheating. Isn't it possible that he did leave her.

[clv0116]

I have to ask. IS the weight gain because your wife has had your children???

 

Having children is an excuse for putting on weight, not a reason.

[theBrokenMuse]

Having children is an excuse for putting on weight, not a reason.

 

Are you honestly saying it's an excuse for a pregnant woman to gain weight or are you kidding?

[clv0116]

Are you honestly saying it's an excuse for a pregnant woman to gain weight or are you kidding?

 

Being pregnant and having had children are different things sugar.

[Geishawhelk]

You're splitting hairs. I thionk in context of this thread, one was supposed to mean the other. One and the same.

 

And I hate to inform you, but genetically and hormonally, it is extraordinarily difficult for some women to shift weight after childbirth, if that is when they gained the weight, due to an irreversible and virtually uncontrolable change in their hormone output.

AFter the birth of my first child, and due to an undetected hormonal imbalance, I lost the 2 extra stone I gained, during my pregnancy, over the follwoing 3 years.

 

When I became pregnant with my second child, and the hormone problem had been detected, I gained a little under a stone in excess weight, and shed it in 7 months.

Not for the want of trying, in both cases.

 

I had a hormone imbalance. It's possible weight gain in many women, after pregnancy, is due to the same issue.

 

But Doctors are hesitant to monitor hormone levels after pregnancy, because hormone oputput can change and fluctuate wildly for at least five years after the birth of a child (hence post-natal depresion kicking in at any point during that time) an readings are threfore wholly unreliable, hormone threatment being financially prohibitive.

 

Just adding a bit of extraneous info, here, for all or any interested.....