Having sexual feelings towards my dad..it's really weird

[Rachel_X]

My biological parents gave me up for adoption at birth. They were very young when they had me, my mom was 15 and my dad was 16. They decided that adoption was the best option. Well, here it is 19 years later and I have just now met my biological father. My biological mom died a few years ago..I never got to meet her. But I found my real dad and we met the other day finally and had dinner together. We had a great time talking and catching up on the last 19 years and he told me the whole story of him and my mom and all that.

 

Well, I have always been attracted to older men. I have dated men in thier 30's and even guys my dad's age (35). When I met my dad I was amazed at how good looking he was!! And now I find myself having sexual feelings about him! It's so weird because in my head, I know that he is my father and that's awful to have those feelings, but I don't feel like he is my dad, cause I just met him and I have my adopted dad who is the father figure in my life.

 

It's just really weird..I don't want to have these feelings, but I can't help it. He is really, really good-looking and I am attracted to older men anyway. I know there is no way in hell I would ever EVER attempt to have a physical relationship with him - that's incest, I know, and I would NEVER do that. But I want to have a father-daughter relationship, but how can I with these sexual feelings????

[moimeme]

I saw a show about this recently. Don't have the time to look it up but it's a known syndrome in psychology. It was on TV because some fellow met his biological mother long after he was grown. He divorced his wife and is moving in with his mom. Maybe Clia or Paul or Midori might have a reference handy.

[NEONINK]

Do you mean oedipus complex?

 

http://www.vuw.ac.nz/psyc/vornikFreud/oedip.htm

[Jamie31]

No, the oedipus complex happens when the child is young. This woman is grown.

[NEONINK]

but adoption messed with the "usual" process.

 

the interaction is delayed possibly.

[NEONINK]

Rachel this is another website that discusses psychological issues regarding adoption.

 

http://www.thecjc.org/ppoint/ppoint/Adoption.ppt

 

Actually, it's a powerpoint presentation.

[Clancy]

If you do want to have a healthy relationship with your father it might be a good idea to ask him to visit a family therapist with you for awhile. Apart from the fact that you have sexual feelings for him I'm sure the therapist can help you two reconnect in a positive way.

 

And privately you can explain your dillema to the therapist and he or she can work with you to overcome those feelings of attraction for your dad. At the risk of playing armchair therapist I'd bet that your sexual feelings for him are part of a subconcious plan on your part to attract HIS attentions to you to show his love for you. I don't think it's a good idea for you to try to develop any kind of a relationship with your Dad on your own given the way you feel about him.

[moimeme]

Do I have to do everything myself? No, it's not the Oedipus complex (a pox on Freud).

 

Here's one story:

Genetic sexual attraction

 

You're 40, happily married - and then you meet your long-lost brother and fall passionately in love. This isn't fiction; in the age of the sperm donor, it's a growing reality: 50% of reunions between siblings, or parents and offspring, separated at birth result in obsessive emotions. Last month, a former police officer was convicted of incest with his half-sister - but should we criminalise a bond hardwired into our psychology? Alix Kirsta talks to those who have suffered the torment of 'genetic sexual attraction'

For the rest of the story, see:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/weekend/story/0,3605,956454,00.html

 

It's kinda long. Here's another excerpt:

The unexpectedly high number of reported cases of men and women struggling with sudden and terrifying emotions after a reunion has surprised and perplexed most post-adoption agencies. So far, because of the taboos surrounding GSA and its variable and complex nature, the frequency of these cases is almost impossible to quantify, although some agencies estimate that elements of GSA occur in 50% of reunions

[me again]

i can tell you this that my son and daughter who are 11 months apart, were raised seperately. i raised my son, his dad raised his sister.

 

they met after 16 years when he (my son) was 17 and my daughter was 16. both very attractive kids and to no surprise were very attracted to each other to the point that i caught them kissing one day!

 

i was shocked and acted like i didn't notice it because i did not know how to handle it. they both denied it when i finally confronted them with it, said it was an innocent kiss and hug, but i'm not dumb, i know what i saw!

 

another thing is when i was pre-teen and becoming interested in sexual stuff, my brother had a schmidt load of porn, hard core xxx stuff hidden in the basement which i promptly stumbled upon.

 

sitting there alone in the basement for hours reading and looking at this pictures raised an awareness in my that i never knew!

 

of course i did not understand the feelings, just that they were great! i started looking at my brother in the way! yuck i can say now, cause i cannot stand my brother, he is the biggest jerky axxhole i know of..

 

anyway i he use to sleep on the couch and wore boxers, and i would casually walk by when he was sleeping and try to very conspiciously peak..

 

i never saw a thing though, thank God now for that! so maybe as you see your dad more and more you will get over these feelings..

[Vivid_29]

Going back to the psychology thing, didn't Sigmund Freud have a theory about children having sexual feelings towards their parents when they are young?

 

I think he may have been referring to sons having these feelings towards their mothers; I could be wrong. Anyone care to elaborate?

[moimeme]

Freud's ideas about sexuality and children have come under a lot of attack as have his ideas about sexuality being the underlying motivator for all human behaviour. It has been suggested that he, himself, was abused as a child and all this was his effort to seek out a cause.

[Suzanna]

Here's my story - I was adopted in 1970 and I have been searching for both my birthparents most of my life. Last January I found my 60 year old birthfather living in Carson City, Nevada. At the time I was 34, married with two kids and living in Southern California.

 

I have been in love with my father since we first met, and he with me. Looking back, I'm not surprised by our attraction to one another. We shared so much in common, both in looks and personality. I felt like I finally found my soulmate, someone who really understands me. He is divorced and never had any other children, and my husband and I are no longer in love, so I wasn't surprised when I found myself looking to my father for the love I so desperately needed. I found my father extremely attractive, and as time went by, I found myself thinking about him constantly.

 

In the beginning of our relationship we would talk on the phone every night for hours at a time about very intimate things. About a month after our first converstaion I realized that I had fallen in love with him and my feelings for him were becoming very sexual. After struggling with these feelings I finally got up the courage to tell my father how I felt about him and it was then that he admitted that he too was struggling with these same feeings and that he too had fallen in love with me.

 

We didn't meet in person until last April when I visited him in Carson City. The first time we were alone together we spent the entire night kissing passionately and trying desperately not to go further. We're both Christians and we knew what we were doing was wrong, but the urge was too strong, too powerful. He wanted me as much as I wanted him. I would later describe it like a hunger, a longing in my soul to be intimate with him. My body literally ached with desire for him, to the point that it consumed my entire being. I can only describe it as an obsession.

 

Even though we continue to be intimate to this day, my father has indicated to me that he feels guilty about what we're doing and wants it to end. He tells me he still loves me but wants to date other women. What this has done to me emotionally I can't even begin to describe. I am consumed with jealousy at the thought of him being with another woman. I know he's my father and we can never be together and this is tearing me up inside. Sometimes I think it would have been better if I'd never found him. I don't know how l am going to deal with this. I fear I'm on the verge of a complete mental breakdown over this.

[Jamie31]

Suzanna,

I think you should visit a psychiatrist. It's one thing to have the desire, but to actually go through with it is a whole different story. We're talking INCEST here. I know you are overwhelmed with emotion, but you have to realize what you are doing!

 

I think you should seek professional psychiatric help immediately. I don't think you will be able to get through this otherwise.

[Ninja Extrordinaire]

Wow. That be some funky stuff. Or in the words of Stan from South Park "Dude, this is pretty F***** up right here."

 

Get Help. That's all I can say.

[elodierv]

dear suzanna,

I am from Belgium (and french speaking, so sorry for my bad english)and I am shocked about the way people replied to your message.

But in a way I can also understand because you can only know this can happen when you have lived it. 2 years ago, I've met my brother after 45 years of separation and we fell deeply in love with each other. 1 month ago we made love together. It's hard to live with it because you feel guilty, responsible and ...lost !

The feelings we have for each other are huge, undescriptable, you just can't control them. I found my other half, he's really a part of me. I have never met someone so close to me, we understand each other even without speaking, we can talk about everything and he is the only one I really trust.

I don't know what this relationship will become because we have just decided to stay apart for a while, which is difficult because we both live in Brussels.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell you don't feel guilty at all, this can happen !