How Do I *Know* If I Want To Reconcile?

[Focus_On_The_Process]

Hi all. New poster here. I've been reading around this board and finding lots of good advice on reconciliation and repair - two things my marriage could definitely use. I've started to read some of the books, and apply some of the tactics, that I've found suggested here. It's early, but I seem to be seeing some results. However it all seems to start with the premise that you're heart-and-soul committed to staying married. In my situation, I'm not sure that that's the case. So I have a different question:

 

>> How do I know / decide if I want to reconcile?

 

Any suggestions re books, theories, process, questions that I should ask, etc., to help me work through this question?

 

Thanks in advance.

[LiveandLearn]

What are your reasons for wanting to reconcile? That should be your main question.

[Focus_On_The_Process]

I'll need to think about that. Several come quickly to mind.

 

Kids, first and foremost. We have three under ten. They're perfect. I'm not sure, though, that "stay together for the kids" is a very good model. My wife and I both grew up in that kind of family, and that's part of why we're in trouble, I think. I worry that we might make it work for a few more years, but then still fall apart, and when the kids are older and less forgiving. Or even if we make it all the way through... Kids know. Kids are shaped by it.

 

I do love my wife, but not so sure about "in love." Pretty typical out here I think. And I think she'd say the same of me. I've hurt her; she's hurt me. We've not worked very hard or smart to make things better. But should it really be *work?* I know that marriage is work. But how much...?

 

I like to be with her, and I like to make her happy. Maybe too much though. Maybe codependent.

 

She's changed. I changed her. And she would say that I've changed. I'm not so sure about that. Think maybe it's more that I *didn't* change, and *that's* my problem.

 

We did counseling a year ago. It worked for a little while. But to some extent I think that we both gamed it.

 

She's back in solo counseling now, and on antidepressants, and going to ACOA for the first time in her life. I barely understand what any of this means. Part of me says no way can I bail now; she needs me now. But she's not so sure of that opinion. Can we trust either of our emotional judgments in a situation like this?

 

And I'm out here, looking for tips...

 

Pride plays some role. I don't like giving up I don't like failing.

 

I don't think that I'd ever remarry. I'm not sure that I'm marriage material?

 

I've been through the stages of loss on all this, and pretty intensely. Made some mistakes through all that to be sure (anger, bargaining, depression). I've come to something like acceptance. Mostly I'm just trying to do right and see what happens. With I knew better what "right" was.

 

Egh this is just rambling. But I'll post it and see what happens.

[goodmorningtowakeup]

i think that im too immature compared to you to really answer relating directly to your situation...BUT...

 

couldnt it be as simple as...

 

if you know you know...if you arent sure, you dont know, and if you dont already know...it might be too late...

 

im pessimist but ive had a lot of people not be sure about loving me, and id rather they had just ****ing got it over and done with, cause in some cases i clung to hope for months and i feel like that took years off my life.

[LiveandLearn]

Kids, first and foremost.

 

In my humble opinion, I would say that that is not a good reason to stay in the marriage. Sure, you have good intentions and you're looking out for the kids, but as you say, in the long run it does more harm than good. I, too, grew up in a family where my parents weren't "in love" or genuinely happy with one another but my mother stuck around because of the kids. It's difficult growing up to watch your parents argue or be unhappy because those vibes definitely does rub off on you.

 

I do love my wife, but not so sure about "in love." Pretty typical out here I think. And I think she'd say the same of me. I've hurt her; she's hurt me. We've not worked very hard or smart to make things better. But should it really be *work?* I know that marriage is work. But how much...?

Ah. Yes, the age 'ol question I am sure there are lots more people with experience in this department. Marriage definitely is a communion of two individuals coming together to "work" on building a future, a family, a life together. It's only as much work as you're willing to put into it, but both partys obviously have to be willing to put in the same amount of work; not one more than the other.

 

She's changed. I changed her. And she would say that I've changed. I'm not so sure about that. Think maybe it's more that I *didn't* change, and *that's* my problem.

People do change over the years; whether it's a good change or a bad change or whether it's a small change or a big change. Change is inevitable. That's how we grow as individuals and as a society as a whole otherwise everything would be at a standstill and no one would get anywhere. You may not think you've changed, but someone that spends a large amount of their time/life with you will notice the changes. And vice versa.

 

She's back in solo counseling now, and on antidepressants, and going to ACOA for the first time in her life. I barely understand what any of this means. Part of me says no way can I bail now; she needs me now. But she's not so sure of that opinion. Can we trust either of our emotional judgments in a situation like this?

You can still be there for her and not be married to her. So are you two separated at the moment? If so, for how long now? Was it a mutual separation? and on 'good terms'? My only advice to you is to work things out with your wife only if it's for the right reason (i.e. you sincerely and genuinely love her and you're in love with her, you can't live without her, you can't imagine yourself with anyone else, you want to grow old with her, you want to fall asleep and wake up next to her, etc..). Make sure she's genuine in her reasons too. Or maybe the separation is what you both need to figure things out and sort out your feelings. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

[Focus_On_The_Process]

Maybe another way to put this - And I see your longer response; thank you. I won't be able to get to that detail later but I've been thinking about your first question LiveAndLearn...

 

My heart's still in this. My head has doubts. I can think about and reason through our problems. They're real. But I'm not emotionally ready to give up. I don't want to be divorced.

 

So I'm looking for some sort of logical / rational / learning process that might help me to get my head in the same place as my heart?

 

And I realize that it might not. But at least I can say that I gave it everything that I could.

 

Thanks for making me think.

[Ronni_W]

Perhaps it would be useful to look at it like any other job -- the very best is when it is "work" that you love; that you're more often than not excited about doing. (There's always going to be some obligatory 'maintenance' stuff, though, that just must be done to keep everything else running efficiently and smoothly. Those chores we just must undertake with grace, and recognizing that it is also important.)

 

In relationships, if it is just feels like mostly tedious, boring work that brings no joy, pleasure or anticipation of lasting rewards...that would be a good 'tell', I think.

 

Would it be more accurate to say that you KNOW you "gamed it" during counseling and you only suspect that your wife might have done so, too? (Or, is it possible that you prefer to think/suspect that your wife is as 'guilty' of it because you feel guilty about your own level of participation?)

 

If you do choose to stay in an unhappy, unrewarding, discouraging, and/or uninspiring situation, then you would be failing at securing those things for yourself, yes? (Failed at creating a happy, inspired, rewarding life for yourself, that is.) So, perhaps it is about making decisions about what it is that you'd prefer to fail at?

(Not that I'm suggesting to focus on negatives, just that, if failing is a fear, then may as well explore all avenues of it.)

 

I do agree with LaL that it is misguided when parents choose to forego their own happiness, sense of self, and whatever else they give up by staying in dead or dying marriages. That ends up just putting the decision on their kids' shoulders...that's what it boils down to, if one thinks about it.

Kids are incredibly 'in tune' and intuitive and, IMO, they can sense such vibes. It also doesn't give them truly positive models for how to take care of their own emotional needs and desires, as adults.

 

What is "right" for you, is what your own heart is telling you is "right" for you. It can be scary when we start hearing our 'heart messages', and even scarier to give ourselves permission to follow what those messages are guiding us to do.

Then we start making excuses for NOT following it...the kids, the wife, my family, her family, finances, not the right time, haven't tried hard enough, etc., etc., etc.

 

The sad or glad news is that, five or 10 or 20 years later, your heart is still going to be giving you the same message. That's what I've found to be true in my own life. I didn't listen the first few times, either. And that was fine. I had good experiences even though I was ignoring my Self/Heart.

 

But. I am so glad that I eventually did listen! Now, my life rocks like it never did during my denial of my more profound desires.

[LiveandLearn]

My heart's still in this. My head has doubts. I can think about and reason through our problems. They're real. But I'm not emotionally ready to give up. I don't want to be divorced.

 

So I'm looking for some sort of logical / rational / learning process that might help me to get my head in the same place as my heart?

 

I know what you're saying. I'm having difficulty doing the same thing; getting my heart and my head on the same page. My head is telling me all the reasons, valid reasons at that, to move on from my marriage, which has led to a separation, but my heart won't let me. My heart is still in this relationship. But on the other hand, my husband's heart isn't. His heart is already with someone else. We did at some point "try", it was mainly me trying, to make things work, but because both of our hearts weren't in the same place, it just didn't work out as I had hoped. Slowly, but surely I am peeling away from this relationship.

 

The conflict between your head and your heart will be a long one. One usually wins over the other. But which? You will soon find out.

[Ronni_W]

Maybe a logical exploration of your feelings, then? That is, not focusing on the practicals like finances and custody...just trying to get to your underlying beliefs, fears, ideas, desires, etc.

 

If you are divorced, what would that make you? And then, why is that a "bad" thing, or a "good" thing? -- what are your beliefs/reasons that make it "bad" or "good." What would you stop being, doing and having? What would you start being, doing and having?

 

If you are unhappily married, what would that make you? Etc., etc.

 

If you get divorced, what is the worst thing that might happen? (Or top 3 fears, if you want to go even deeper.) And the best?

Same questions, for if you stay married.

 

Maybe self-questions along those lines might bring some fresh insight and/or clarity?

 

EDIT: Also. How does your current relationship support, inspire and encourage you? How does it help you to feel good about yourself? Competent, adequate, respected, appreciated, admired, etc. How does it NOT do those things? Does it have the potential to do those things? What do YOU need to do, within the relationship, to have those things?

[TrustInYourself]

You haven't left her yet to even ask if you should reconcile.

 

You and your wife are both stuck deep inside the behavior cycle of love destruction.

 

Trying to reason through your situation when you don't even know if you still love your wife is just going to bring you to one conclusion. The one you will hear multiple times through out this forum, which is give up.

 

Specifically, what has she done to hurt you and what have you done to hurt her?

 

What is your communication like?

 

What is the solutions to these issues and what exactly do you have to do to achieve these solutions.

 

Emotionally, you are wrecked and so is she. Your interactions are going to be tainted by these negative feelings.

[Focus_On_The_Process]

You can still be there for her and not be married to her.

 

I'm pretty committed to my roles of provider and father. Too committed, really. Very strong "Acts of Service" love language. But yeah I recently realized that neither of these things is the same as my role as husband.

 

So are you two separated at the moment? If so, for how long now? Was it a mutual separation? and on 'good terms'?

 

We are not separated, but things are pretty cold at present. Right now I'd say that we're roommates. However I travel a lot for work, > 50% over the last nine years or so, and even more right now based on some decisions that we made together. So we live in one state, but I have an apartment in another, and I spend as much time there and in various other cities / hotels as I do at home.

 

Things were a little rocky through my denial-anger-bargaining, but for now - and based on some good advice soaked up from this board - we're on good terms.

 

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

 

Sorry I disagree. Absence is a big part of our problem, and not one that I'm sure that I can change. Long digression here... My wife has a strong "Quality Time" love language orientation. First five years of our marriage we were mostly together, no kids, things were great. When we had our first child, I took a new job and we moved across the country so that we could be closer to her family. I started traveling a lot with that job change. All this was a pretty big disruption, and really stepping off the edge of a cliff concerning my career, but I viewed it as an "Act of Service," something I did for her to express my love. I realize now that this was a mistake given her "Quality Time" needs. Neither of us realized that at the time. All this "Loves Languages" stuff is new to me / us out of our counseling over the last year. But anyway starting down that road, and all my absence since, is a big part of our trouble I think.

[LiveandLearn]

Well of course you could always look at the other spectrum, "Out of sight, out of mind"

 

Absence is a big part of our problem, and not one that I'm sure that I can change.

 

You can change that. It's a matter of whether you want to or are willing to. You could always find another job that doesn't require you to travel as much or ask to be changed to a different department, etc. I know the situation is a lot more complicated. And we don't know your financial situation or whether you switching jobs would cause a large impact to not only your finances but other things in your life. But it would be a risk you would have to consider if you want to try and make things work with your wife.

 

Has your wife ever asked you to change jobs? I'm sure there is probably some common ground you two can possibly agree on.....

[Focus_On_The_Process]

Would it be more accurate to say that you KNOW you "gamed it" during counseling and you only suspect that your wife might have done so, too? (Or, is it possible that you prefer to think/suspect that your wife is as 'guilty' of it because you feel guilty about your own level of participation?)

 

Before I give the wrong impression that I'm a good / laudable guy, I should disclose that we ended up in therapy because my wife caught me in an affair.

 

I know that I gamed it because I didn't disclose everything that I'd felt or was feeling through the process. I was scared; I just wanted to fix things.

 

But I think that I gave it my all in that I made huge changes to try to address what I thought (?) were the problems.

 

I did everything that my wife and our counselor asked or suggested - solo and couples counseling, tests, exercises, Imago, expressions of love in her languages, not mine, and so on.

 

I did more that I found or decided on my own - I left my job; walked away cold. I stopped traveling. I started keeping a daily journal focusing on my wife and my efforts and attention to her. Lots of reading on marriage, being a good husband, etc. Lots of trying to put that into practice.

 

I offered to take a new job with no travel - home by 5:00 or 6:00 every night, dinner together, never sleep apart. Would have been a cut in income for us, but still low six figures; we'd be in better position than 99% of people out there. Seemed like a no brainer to me.

 

My wife didn't want that. Said it was about the income. In hindsight this seems like a huge tell to me. "Quality Time" is her love language; she declined more time from me.

 

So we decided together to move across the country, again, where I took a new similar job. Big disruption but we talked about it as a fresh start. Another "Act of Service" for me.

 

Maybe it's the stress, maybe it's something else. But all of a sudden 12 months after starting counseling, things are way bad again.

 

I think (?) that she may have gamed it... Well because everything that we agreed to do has turned out wrong? Maybe that's just her changing her mind. But I think that she was holding things back, too, from our counselor and from herself.

[sadintexas]

I don't want to be divorced.

 

What I don't hear you saying is "I don't want to lose my wife".

 

Is your not wanting to be divorced due to things you've mentioned such as fear of failure, pride, kids, etc., or is it because you can't stand the thought of living without your wife everyday for the rest of your life?

 

That right there would be the crux of the issue for me.

 

When you said that your heart is in it, but your head isn't I wasn't really convinced. Personally, if my heart wants something, my head usually finds ways to get on board. I think if your heart was really into reconciling, that's what you'd be doing right now. Maybe your head and your heart are more on the same page than you want to admit, but guilt keeps you stuck in this quandry. Just a thought.

 

The only thing you can really do is be as introspective as possible, be honest with yourself, and realize that the only wrong answer here is the one that's wrong for YOU.

[Focus_On_The_Process]

You can change that. It's a matter of whether you want to or are willing to. You could always find another job that doesn't require you to travel as much or ask to be changed to a different department, etc. I know the situation is a lot more complicated. And we don't know your financial situation or whether you switching jobs would cause a large impact to not only your finances but other things in your life. But it would be a risk you would have to consider if you want to try and make things work with your wife.

 

Has your wife ever asked you to change jobs? I'm sure there is probably some common ground you two can possibly agree on.....

 

Sorry; please see my last post. I did offer to change jobs. Or not so much jobs, but careers. My wife declined. Maybe I could offer again. But I'm not sure; to walk away from two high-paying jobs in less than 12 months is pretty flaky.

 

In my opinion my wife is more concerned about our finances than me. We do fine. But she feels strongly about things that I think are less important, esp. kids stuff e.g. private schools, therapies (a bit of a hypochondriac in my opinion), lessons, vacations. In any given month we spend more on our kids than most people take home. I keep on the road to keep it up. I'd be happy to stop but my wife says she doesn't want that.

[TrustInYourself]

Sorry; please see my last post. I did offer to change jobs. Or not so much jobs, but careers. My wife declined. Maybe I could offer again. But I'm not sure; to walk away from two high-paying jobs in less than 12 months is pretty flaky.

 

In my opinion my wife is more concerned about our finances than me. We do fine. But she feels strongly about things that I think are less important, esp. kids stuff e.g. private schools, therapies (a bit of a hypochondriac in my opinion), lessons, vacations. In any given month we spend more on our kids than most people take home. I keep on the road to keep it up. I'd be happy to stop but my wife says she doesn't want that.

 

She says that, but does she mean that?

[Focus_On_The_Process]

EDIT: Also. How does your current relationship support, inspire and encourage you? How does it help you to feel good about yourself? Competent, adequate, respected, appreciated, admired, etc. How does it NOT do those things? Does it have the potential to do those things? What do YOU need to do, within the relationship, to have those things?

 

It has not. That's a big problem. In my mind that's why I had an affair. And it's why I'm not sure now. In the past, at least, I have felt like I carry a huge weight to take care of my family, express my love in my way (Acts of Service), hauling all over the country, being the big provider, then coming home and cleaning house and helping with the laundry and taking the kids to the movies to give her a break. And I never felt appreciated. I felt like a bad husband. So I found someone who did appreciate, and respect, and admire.

 

Wrong love language, of course. She didn't appreciate it in my language. I should have been speaking "Quality Time." But now it may be too late?

 

Feels like the move is a mistake and I should have overcome her objections to my making a career change.

 

This is all hindsight, of course. 20-20...

[Focus_On_The_Process]

You and your wife are both stuck deep inside the behavior cycle of love destruction.

 

TIY, can you please expand on this?

 

I have to run for now.

 

Thanks everyone.

[Owl]

OK, I'd missed earlier when you admitted to the affair, but saw it in this last post.

 

THAT completely changes the "how do I know if I want to reconcile" concept completely.

 

Your perception of your marriage, and of your wife, is very likely still distorted by the affair.

 

How long did the A last? When did it end? Are you still in contact with OW? How did it end?

 

All of these are factors. You're very likely still "foggy". Once that fog clears...THEN making that choice of reconciliation or not is feasible. Until then...it's impossible to know anything for sure.

[TrustInYourself]

TIY, can you please expand on this?

 

I have to run for now.

 

Thanks everyone.

 

In a gist, she feels neglected and ignored because you are gone all the time. When you come home withthe bacon she's unappreciative because she has been missing you for so long, she now just buries the pain. She's been forced to accept the way you love and ignore her feelings.

 

Now she's been conditioned to put her kids and you first, she feels emotionally detached. Add on your affair and she begins to question the amount of effort she wants to put forward to work things out. Now it's going through the motions.

 

You reciprocate those feelings, because in your eyes, she's not meeting your needs. In fact, she is meeting your needs, just not to the extent that you would be happy with. This results in more detachment, less love, and more anger and resentment by both parties.

 

It's a cycle. It's a dynamic that has to be broken. It's a dynamic that will continue until someone decides enough is enough. You sound like you're already there. Your wife is a soldier to put her own needs and desires on the side. She must appreciate you in some sense and still love you to some degree in order to continue to hold on. Ditto for you, since she's pretty much emotionally detached and hurt deeply by your actions.

 

Things can be changed. Do you want to, is the question. If there is another woman, your judgement could be flawed.

[Ronni_W]

Wrong love language, of course. She didn't appreciate it in my language. I should have been speaking "Quality Time."

The thing about these freakin' "love languages" is that BOTH parties need to be able to listen and speak in BOTH languages -- I get that you've done your part about becoming 'bilingual'...has she given you the same, in return?

 

Maybe she is done, as well. Maybe she never was able to fully forgive your affair. Maybe for her, you've become the 'banker/provider' and keeping you busy earning at that income level is a way to keep you out of her hair, so to speak.

Maybe, subconsciously, this is your "punishment" that you BOTH feel, or maybe just one of you feels, you deserve for having that affair?

 

I'm not hearing that you really have your heart cooperating in any reconciliation attempts, to be honest. I think you've done quite well, in the past 12 months, at trying for that.

Though I do get that your mind doesn't want you to have the label of "divorced" man, parent, etc. Guilt, self-punishment, sense of failure, sense of obligation/responsibility, loss of standing in family and/or community...any of those fears plus a host of others could be part of what's going on in your mind.

 

Have you considered going back into individual therapy to help get your thoughts and feelings sorted out?

[RecordProducer]

>> How do I know / decide if I want to reconcile?

You can't know during the process of reconciliation. Just be "officially" committed, as much as you can. I assume honesty is part of the process, so be honest about your lack of faith or desire. But be pat of the process. When you start feeling steadily happy or unhappy, the decision will come naturally. You can't know whether you're unsure because you're frustrated, hold grudges, tired of trying, feel inadequate, fell out of love... or whatever reason. If you know the reason fro sure, then you can answer this question for yourself.

 

Ask yourself:

1. if my spouse would start acting/treating me the way I would like it, would I be in love again?

2. do I believe that we could both improve?

3. is the change I want a matter of personality (on either side) or a matter of behavior?

4. can I meet my spouse's expectations?

5. in theory, could I be happy with this person?

[Focus_On_The_Process]

OK, I'd missed earlier when you admitted to the affair, but saw it in this last post.

 

THAT completely changes the "how do I know if I want to reconcile" concept completely.

 

Your perception of your marriage, and of your wife, is very likely still distorted by the affair.

 

How long did the A last? When did it end? Are you still in contact with OW? How did it end?

 

All of these are factors. You're very likely still "foggy". Once that fog clears...THEN making that choice of reconciliation or not is feasible. Until then...it's impossible to know anything for sure.

 

OK I expect to get blasted about this. That's fair and I deserve it. My first attempt at posting last night was long and confessional about this. But I messed something up and lost it after working on it for something like 60 minutes. I tried again but kept it short.

 

Six years, on and off, before the disclosure. It's been a year since but I don't think that it's over. No physical or face to face contact in more than a year. No contact at all for six months. But then, a couple of phone calls. And emails since then. Pretty cool emotionally, just concerned and trying to help with well being. But that's not over, is it?

 

I understand and agree that this situation is altering my judgment. But must it be clouding it? Could it possibly be clearing it, making me face things that I haven't? I'm not sure...

[Focus_On_The_Process]

In a gist, she feels neglected and ignored because you are gone all the time. When you come home with the bacon she's unappreciative because she has been missing you for so long, she now just buries the pain. She's been forced to accept the way you love and ignore her feelings.

 

Now she's been conditioned to put her kids and you first, she feels emotionally detached. Add on your affair and she begins to question the amount of effort she wants to put forward to work things out. Now it's going through the motions.

 

You reciprocate those feelings, because in your eyes, she's not meeting your needs. In fact, she is meeting your needs, just not to the extent that you would be happy with. This results in more detachment, less love, and more anger and resentment by both parties.

 

It's a cycle. It's a dynamic that has to be broken. It's a dynamic that will continue until someone decides enough is enough. You sound like you're already there. Your wife is a soldier to put her own needs and desires on the side. She must appreciate you in some sense and still love you to some degree in order to continue to hold on. Ditto for you, since she's pretty much emotionally detached and hurt deeply by your actions.

 

Things can be changed. Do you want to, is the question. If there is another woman, your judgment could be flawed.

 

Thanks TIY. Respectfully, though, I'm not sure that I agree? If I'm reading this right, you're saying that she met my needs, but I failed to meet hers. I think that it's been pretty mutual. If anything - maybe rose colored glasses please call me out but this is what I think - I made more effort to love her than she did me.

 

So this is what really gives me pause, just thinking it through over the last few weeks. I was doing it all wrong, speaking the wrong love language i.e. mine (service) not hers (time). But I did try to keep doing that, loving her, all along, even now. However if I really think back, honestly... I think that she stopped speaking her love language (time) to me years and years ago. I think that she stopped trying to love me 8-9 years back. Examples... When I first started to travel, we still talked for hours on the phone while I was gone, she'd stay up to meet me when I came in on a late flight, and so on. But maybe because of the pressure of being a single mom, or her not feeling my love for her (wrong language), or whatever... That faded. She was too tired or busy to spend hours on the phone, too tired to stay up late to meet me. She stopped speaking that time language to me. I made things worse when I came home and started in on all the chores or whatever that backed up while I was gone. But I was trying, speaking the wrong language. Love gives you energy, love engages and excites. It made me do those acts of service even though I was tired or annoyed or whatever. But I think that she didn't feel that energy. I think that it's been gone a long time, and we're just now realizing it.

 

Can it come back? I don't know...

[Focus_On_The_Process]

The thing about these freakin' "love languages" is that BOTH parties need to be able to listen and speak in BOTH languages -- I get that you've done your part about becoming 'bilingual'...has she given you the same, in return?

 

Maybe she is done, as well. Maybe she never was able to fully forgive your affair. Maybe for her, you've become the 'banker/provider' and keeping you busy earning at that income level is a way to keep you out of her hair, so to speak.

Maybe, subconsciously, this is your "punishment" that you BOTH feel, or maybe just one of you feels, you deserve for having that affair?

 

I'm not hearing that you really have your heart cooperating in any reconciliation attempts, to be honest. I think you've done quite well, in the past 12 months, at trying for that.

Though I do get that your mind doesn't want you to have the label of "divorced" man, parent, etc. Guilt, self-punishment, sense of failure, sense of obligation/responsibility, loss of standing in family and/or community...any of those fears plus a host of others could be part of what's going on in your mind.

 

Have you considered going back into individual therapy to help get your thoughts and feelings sorted out?

 

This is good. I agree. But please see my last post. I think that she stopped "speaking" to me before my affair. Maybe chicken / egg, maybe who cares... But I think that my affair was more consequence than cause.

 

Yes I have, just this week, considered getting back into individual therapy to work on sorting this out. Started here first, though. Easier on the road.

 

Thanks.