Understanding This Guy.

[warmsmile]

I don't understand what this guy wants -- commitment free sex but doesn't know how to ask for it or is concerned I may say no? Or does he want to just be friends because he is lonely and wants company? Please help me figure it out.

 

I met this guy 2 years ago. He was in the process of separating from his wife, now is in the process of divorce. He was caught cheating on his wife with a old girl friend from his college days. The occasional hello by email was the extent of our communication for a 6 months.

 

One night last summer, he emailed me about getting together. We talked and talked and got drunk. We fooled around but didn't sleep together. It was the most amazing sexual connection I have had in forever. He was going out of town the next day (Friday). I got a little needy -- emailed him saying had a great time and called him on Monday. I did not hear from him until Wednesday -- crazy busy type of email. But after that, I made attempts to reach him but he never returned the contact.

 

Then 6 months later, I emailed and we reconnected. We became friends. One day, he came over and we ended up in my hot tub. He was naked and I had a bathing suit on. I thought he wanted to hook up but he never made the move on me. Then, when I emailed him about it saying I wondered if he liked me, he said he was seeing someone out of town that he cared very much for. I was left confused and asked was I the only one in that moment. He said no, but we should remain only friends. Later on I found out, it was the woman he had the affair with that he was referring too.

 

But we continued being friends. One day over the summer, I emailed him and one thing led to another. He came over for a booty call. Great sex but not all the way still. He was better about keeping in touch for a 2 weeks and disappeared. (come to find out, it was her birthday the day we got together this time. he didn't tell me I found out when her b-day was b/c i am super sleuth.)

 

Then he reappeared. Now, he keeps talking about the hot tub, me coming over naked to flash him through texting. But when we are supposed to get together he has an excuse and doesn't show. And then he mentioned recently he truly loves this person out of town. Visiting her a couple of times a month. Flying or driving.

 

Now -- here's the real confusing part. He sees her, sleeps with her for a weekend. He emails me first thing Monday morning. This time he even offered to come over. This time, I gave him a massage. We didn't get physical. But I am confused.

 

What is he doing? Is he interested? Does he want distance from her? Is he thinking of me when he is with her? Is he working too hard for her so he comes to me for "easy" connection? Does he want sex with me? Should I give him sex? I really like him. We have a real connection. My gut starts going crazy. It's like I know exactly when he is having sex with her. Is it really possible to be on such a wavelength? Is he is in love with her? So many questions.

 

Sorry for the long post. By the way, he's 44 and I am 41. By the way, I want sex with him. I don't know what type of relationship I want with him. I willing to explore with starting with commitment free sex, but not if she is in the picture.

 

Thank you!

Warmsmile

[Haruka]

Sounds like this man is just using you. Clearly he likes this other woman and the reason he is stopping from having sex with you is that your a fantasy to him. He likes looking at you, touching you but stops from going all the way.

 

Put yourself in this other woman's shoes. How do you think she will feel knowing that the man she spends many weekends with is talking to and having sexual communications with you.

 

HE is in a RELATIONSHIP with the other woman. If I was you take a break from him. Sure it's tempting and great that some guy fancy's you. Unfortunatly he is taken. Read what you have written to us again and analyize it.

 

He only wants to see you when he feels like it, yet he is commited to see this woman on weekends. Your nothing special to him even if he only wants you for sex. I think he messages you weekends is cause he wants to rub it in that he was with this woman.

 

Sorry to sound harsh but that is what I have gathered.

[blinded]

I'm not in the best position to give advice since my life isn't the greatest. BUT, it sounds like he may be a serial cheater. I mean, he was caught cheating w/this other woman. Now he's w/her. You're her replacement. You're the one on the side for him. Nothing against you, I am sure there is that chemistry. But do you want to continue down that road with him? Do you want to be the one cheated on?

[warmsmile]

Haruka--

 

I totally agree with you. I appreciate your frankness. That's actually what I want.

 

What I don't understand is, why does he call me after he has been with her. He made up an elaborate lie to make me believe he was out of town with his son. Why does he want to spend time with me? Is he lonely? Or can he not handle the pace of his relationship with her?

 

I guess I want to know what is the motive behind connecting with me. I have developed strong feelings for this joker. That's the part on my behalf that I don't get!!!

 

By the way, the first time we were together, I stopped him. So you're thought would be he doesn't think I would say yes so he stops at the quick fix with me.

 

Well, all said and done. What I am hearing from you is for whatever reason -- he wants to use me.

 

By the way, he did help me a lot with a project and I've never had someone just go out of there way to help me. That's also why I am drawn to him.

 

Crazy. Thank you!