Guys, what do you prefer to hear when someone dumps you?

[Capricciosa]

I was discussing this with some guy friends tonight, because I'm facing calling it quits with someone. And they told me not to bother with the truth, just to tell him I'm not in the right headspace for a relationship with him, that it would be a kinder way to let him go. I wasn't going to say anything bad, because I like him. He is just ultimately not the man for me. But I don't want to hurt his feelings.

 

So what's the easiest thing to hear? What has hurt the least?

[Dmoney28]

how about the truth

[Capricciosa]

I know that. That was not the question.

[Trimmer]

how about the truth

 

I know that. That was not the question.

Actually, you asked several different questions, including: "What do you prefer to hear?" and "what is easiest to hear?" These aren't necessarily the same thing.

 

Are you sure you aren't looking for an answer to "what is the easiest thing to tell him?" If your question is, effectively, "Telling the truth is hard, so what fabrication makes it easier on everyone?" then I can't help you there.

 

In answer to "what do you prefer to hear?" I most prefer - and respect - hearing the truth.

[LucreziaBorgia]

just to tell him I'm not in the right headspace for a relationship with him

 

This will have him analyzing ways to win you back, and questioning what he can do to make things better, and he won't let go.

 

He is just ultimately not the man for me

 

This would shut the door firmly, but would be a clear goodbye that would enable him to let go and find someone else who would be right for him.

 

So what's the easiest thing to hear? What has hurt the least?

 

The easiest thing to hear is something that makes it seem like the door may be open. Those are the guys you see posting here about 'my SO says she needs space/says that she isn't ready for a relationship/says she is scared/etc.' and they simply can't let go. Their pain is daily. Every day has them building hope and facing new rejections and seeing that hope chipped away every day. It hurts the most - a lingering hurt that is inflicted by a woman who simply can't be truthful about why she is walking away, and lets her guilt guide her breakup process.

 

What hurts the least? In the long term, the truth. It is painful at first, but is followed by a quicker healing process.

 

Tell him the truth - that you do not want to be in a relationship with him because you do not feel that he is the right guy for you. Then let him go. Do not offer 'friendship' or anything of the sort. Giving hope to someone when you are breaking up with them is about as helpful as giving the flu to a cancer patient. You won't be helping by hanging on or letting him hang on.

[Tarantula]

All I see in your story is that you had met a wrong for you person .

Then what stops you from telling him that ?

 

The sooner you tell him,the sooner you are out of it ,

the sooner he puts with the idea up,

the sooner he finds someone else ,the sooner he is happy .

Just like you .

 

 

 

So tell him the truth .

Like "what about staying friends?"

or

"you know,I have some tough times now in life,I do not want any relationship ..I am not ready "

 

The last one will not hurt him so personally ,I guess.

 

 

Always avoid hurting people personally . That makes scars in their hearts .

And ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

God bless!

[justletgo07]

The easiest thing to hear: "Just kidding!" OR "Gotcha!"

 

In my opinion, you should just be honest. If you try to give a bs reason to avoid hurting his feelings, it may not be strong enough to communicate to him that it really is OVER. People don't let go if the facts don't add up. He will naturally look for ways that your explanation just doesn't make sense, so just be honest.

 

Things not to say:

 

"It's not you. It's me."

 

"I love you, but I'm just not in love with you"

 

"Maybe we'll find our way back to each other someday"

 

"I don't want to date anyone right now"

 

ETC.

 

Be honest. Let him be upset and express his feelings for as long as he needs to. Tell him your decision is final. Cut contact for at least 3 months. 6 months would be better.

[Capricciosa]

For the record, it is a very light relationship, nothing serious or deep. But it was easy and pleasant for a time. That time, unfortunately, has ended for me. I don't think I have the power to scar him, but I do want to let him down easy because he is a good guy ultimately.

 

I will try to leave no open doors. But I am of the opinion, in general, that a white lie that will keep someone from feeling terrible is not a bad thing.

[DSM-IV Tom]

While I agree that sometimes white lies are okay in order to spare someones feelings, I am just not sure about your motives, etc.

 

I am not sure how I feel about you. How light is the relationship? Because you sure seem pretty self focused here and only interested in yourself mostly. It appears quite conceited from a neutral standpoint, at least in my opinion. You are worried about how to let him down supposedly to spare his feelings.. but I think you are more worried about yours honestly. By all means though GO INTO MORE DETAIL so I can determine the full truth. But from what you've said so far, that's how it looks.

 

The best mode of action is the truth in these scenarios. Don't be another lying woman please. Tell the truth, or else you are a tool. Straight up.

[Trimmer]

I will try to leave no open doors. But I am of the opinion, in general, that a white lie that will keep someone from feeling terrible is not a bad thing.

 

Virtually everyone on here so far (including guys) has said "tell the truth," with no qualifications. You can do that without being mean or unpleasant.

 

Are you sure that white lie isn't to keep you from feeling terrible?

[Capricciosa]

Light means once a week, no stated commitment or involvement in other parts of the person's life.

 

My motives are simply to let someone down easy because I like him. Nothing more, nothing less. If that is being a "tool" so be it. And I would thank you not to judge me from a few lines that are meant to help me figure something out.

 

I guess the better question is, how much of the story to tell. You're not the guy for me, you are not involved enough in my life, you and I don't have enough in common ultimately, I'm interested in someone else (I would be ending it even if the last part was not the case), our relationship has run its course...

 

Should the whole load of bricks be thrown, or just a select few...

[carhill]

What hurts the least? In the long term, the truth. It is painful at first, but is followed by a quicker healing process.

 

IME, having experienced this numerous times, absolutely true. Ultimately, pain is replaced by respect and, in some instances, a valued non-romantic personal/professional relationship has resulted. Don't underestimate the value of the truth

[Trialbyfire]

It's better to be straight-up. While it's more difficult on the person saying it, it's kinder in the long run.

 

Capricciosa, I've been primarily the person having to say it. It's no fun. Just get it over with, although now is a horrible time to do it, with less than two weeks to Christmas and the holidays following. If you want to let him down a little more gently, wait until after the New Year.

[Capricciosa]

 

Are you sure that white lie isn't to keep you from feeling terrible?

 

I always feel terrible when I break up with someone I like because I know how bad it feels to be broken up with. I hate letting people down. The best break ups I've had were mutual, when we've both come to the same conclusion at the same time--I am still friends with those guys. This is not the case here, even though the relationship is light.

[Capricciosa]

Just get it over with, although now is a horrible time to do it, with less than two weeks to Christmas and the holidays following. If you want to let him down a little more gently, wait until after the New Year.

 

Hmmm. That sounds ok, but will require some avoidance. Should I really continue having sex with someone I am planning on ending it with?

[carhill]

Should I really continue having sex with someone I am planning on ending it with?

 

IME, women do it all the time. No worries

[FF84]

This will have him analyzing ways to win you back, and questioning what he can do to make things better, and he won't let go.

 

 

 

This would shut the door firmly, but would be a clear goodbye that would enable him to let go and find someone else who would be right for him.

 

 

 

The easiest thing to hear is something that makes it seem like the door may be open. Those are the guys you see posting here about 'my SO says she needs space/says that she isn't ready for a relationship/says she is scared/etc.' and they simply can't let go. Their pain is daily. Every day has them building hope and facing new rejections and seeing that hope chipped away every day. It hurts the most - a lingering hurt that is inflicted by a woman who simply can't be truthful about why she is walking away, and lets her guilt guide her breakup process.

 

What hurts the least? In the long term, the truth. It is painful at first, but is followed by a quicker healing process.

 

Tell him the truth - that you do not want to be in a relationship with him because you do not feel that he is the right guy for you. Then let him go. Do not offer 'friendship' or anything of the sort. Giving hope to someone when you are breaking up with them is about as helpful as giving the flu to a cancer patient. You won't be helping by hanging on or letting him hang on.

 

Absolutely spot on.

 

Don't patronise him, just be honest.

 

In my experience people are never interested in the other persons feelings, they are trying to be nice to make themselves feel better.

 

If you really respect him, just tell him he's not for you and your feelings just aren't there. It's so much better in the long run.

 

It'll also save you having to deal with his attempts to reason with you.

[Capricciosa]

IME, women do it all the time. No worries

 

I guess that ends up being his xmas present.

[Trialbyfire]

Hmmm. That sounds ok, but will require some avoidance. Should I really continue having sex with someone I am planning on ending it with?

No, that's your first step towards distancing yourself, if you plan to wait until the holidays are over.

[Capricciosa]

In my experience people are never interested in the other persons feelings, they are trying to be nice to make themselves feel better.

 

 

I think it can be both. I've stayed in relationships too long at times because of the other person's feelings. Something a bit masochistic due to the way I grew up where other people's feelings were way more important than mine, which always got suppressed.

[L-R-G]

As many have stated in this thread, just be honest and tell him how you feel. Don't hide anything away from him. My ex kept a lot of things away from me when she broke up with me and when I found out about these things, I lost all of my respect and trust for her. Telling the truth is the best way to go.

[carhill]

Something a bit masochistic due to the way I grew up where other people's feelings were way more important than mine, which always got suppressed.

 

In that case, better to listen to TBF's advice about sex rather than mine. The intimacy will keep you invested and outside yourself, with your personality type. I have the same issue, but without the suppression. I could never do my shopping list or visualize home improvement projects while saying "do me baby" to my partner and have a healthy outcome.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Ok now that I have read more, as I stated I wanted to-- I feel I can make a better analyzation.

 

 

You do not seem selfish (at least not to the degree you possibly came off earlier on).

 

But your best mode of action is still the truth. You will (at least you should) feel guilt and remorse if you lied and it changed someones life based on that lie.

 

Just be honest. Accept whatever pain comes with the truth. Believe me, look at my posts, I always say it like it is, for the benefit of others. Even if it makes me look bad. Just shows I am not interested in making myself look great. I'd rather help.

 

 

You said "I don't want to lead him to believe there's a chance."

 

Well-- TELL HIM THAT LINE EXACTLY. Seriously, say the truth.

 

White lies often times are used because people want to not hurt themselves.

[Trimmer]

I always feel terrible when I break up with someone I like because I know how bad it feels to be broken up with. I hate letting people down. The best break ups I've had were mutual, when we've both come to the same conclusion at the same time--I am still friends with those guys. This is not the case here, even though the relationship is light.

Well, if anything, you are being TOO empathetic - you are letting your impressions of what his reaction might be assure you that you don't want to tell the truth - that you want to sugarcoat it to make it all easier. But my point is, you are being told here by virtually every poster that the simple, unvarnished truth is the best, and even more to the point, you are hearing from the men that this is what we would want to hear. Why is it that you would be looking for a different way, except to make it easier on you?

 

And I would thank you not to judge me from a few lines that are meant to help me figure something out.

I'm not judging you, so you're welcome. I'm trying to point out something that is quite understandable and completely human - that your difficulty might be influenced significantly by your own feelings and avoidance of "the difficult situation" as much as it is by his feelings.

[SValentine]

Sometimes the best thing to do is just tell the truth. That way he knows exactly why you are breaking up with him and he won't go out of his mind questioning why your relationship didn't work.

 

Cut the dude some slack.

 

My girl dumped me, reasons unknown too, and I felt horrible. I couldn't understand why she ended what we had and that really pissed me off. It made my relationship with her deteriorate. I later found out through some mutual friends that she had a guy on the side and it hurt like hell. Don't do that to him.

 

You said you liked him, but he isn't the man for you.

 

Yes, you may like him and want to continue being friends but he might not feel the same way. Give him and reason and make a clean break. If he is mature enough he will understand and the breakup won't be a messy one.

 

Wish you all the best