Guys, what do you prefer to hear when someone dumps you?

[Trialbyfire]

Cap, running a person around in circles is far more cruel than just stating what's not going to work. It's a kindness to make it a clean cut.

 

I don't know how many threads you read on this site, about guys knowing they're being fed a line of "It's not you, it's me" or some other lame excuse.

 

Deliver it gently but firmly, so there are no doubts left.

[IcemanJB]

I'm sure it's hard to do, but just tell the straight up truth. You might get lucky if you tell the guy a "little white lie", and he'll get the picture anyway, but I'm sure that's pretty rare. It really helps to know it's OVER, and no chances.

 

Trust me, to this day I don't know why my ex broke it off. All she did was cry, and act like a confused mess of a person. I wish she had just said "it's over", but she couldn't say it. I had to force myself to see that it is OVER. It would have been so much easier if she had just said it.

[Eli_Peterson]

I would have to say that honesty is always the best policy as far as what I like to hear. I hate to find out later on down the line that I was lied to...give me the honest to goodness truth and let me take it from there. Nothing is worse than finding out two months later that a woman found someone else or just didn't like some obscure character trait that just proves to me that she is shallow. If love is lost or was never there I appreciate the honesty and you can go on your merry way...and I can hate you until the end of time and be done with you. Only kidding....!!!! But in all honesty, isn't it better to cut me loose and we stay friends than lie and say "It's not you, it's me" or "I just don't have time right now with my career" or something like that than either stay in a relationship that you are not happy in for whatever reason....I would and have given women the same respect and if you really care you would do...just my two cents...

[californiadreaming]

This will have him analyzing ways to win you back, and questioning what he can do to make things better, and he won't let go.

 

 

 

This would shut the door firmly, but would be a clear goodbye that would enable him to let go and find someone else who would be right for him.

 

 

 

The easiest thing to hear is something that makes it seem like the door may be open. Those are the guys you see posting here about 'my SO says she needs space/says that she isn't ready for a relationship/says she is scared/etc.' and they simply can't let go. Their pain is daily. Every day has them building hope and facing new rejections and seeing that hope chipped away every day. It hurts the most - a lingering hurt that is inflicted by a woman who simply can't be truthful about why she is walking away, and lets her guilt guide her breakup process.

 

What hurts the least? In the long term, the truth. It is painful at first, but is followed by a quicker healing process.

 

Tell him the truth - that you do not want to be in a relationship with him because you do not feel that he is the right guy for you. Then let him go. Do not offer 'friendship' or anything of the sort. Giving hope to someone when you are breaking up with them is about as helpful as giving the flu to a cancer patient. You won't be helping by hanging on or letting him hang on.

 

Lucrezia!

 

Best Said! Award 2008!

[The Collector]

I disagree with everyone. Honesty-schmonesty, sugar coat it a little. I've never ended a relationship with a blunt 'you''re not The One I'm looking for, but thanks for playing..'

 

You don't have to leave any doors open, but saying 'I don't want to be in a relationship right now' is fine - the dumpee should be smart enough to get the sub-text. Or just tell him you've gone lezzer.

[californiadreaming]

I disagree with everyone. Honesty-schmonesty, sugar coat it a little. I've never ended a relationship with a blunt 'you''re not The One I'm looking for, but thanks for playing..'

 

You don't have to leave any doors open, but saying 'I don't want to be in a relationship right now' is fine - the dumpee should be smart enough to get the sub-text. Or just tell him you've gone lezzer.

 

that's cute, but if your an adult about the situation, then you have a heart, and ultimately care about other peoples feelings. Why would this woman, tell this dude, "oh times are tough I am not ready for a RS" - When she stated that she feels that he is not the right man for her, period!

 

No sugarcoating Sh**! Tell the cat the truth, and he from that point will suffer a huge heart ache, and recover fast. Not sit around waiting, or bothering the woman.

 

It seems she wants to move on with no attachments, and unless she is honest, she will get alot of attachment.

[The Collector]

that's cute, but if your an adult about the situation, then you have a heart, and ultimately care about other peoples feelings. Why would this woman, tell this dude, "oh times are tough I am not ready for a RS" - When she stated that she feels that he is not the right man for her, period!

 

No sugarcoating Sh**! Tell the cat the truth, and he from that point will suffer a huge heart ache, and recover fast. Not sit around waiting, or bothering the woman.

 

It seems she wants to move on with no attachments, and unless she is honest, she will get alot of attachment.

 

So have you ended many relationships with "I'm just not that into you'?

[mmk1]

Besides the truth cutting off all contact is the kindest and best thing to do. Any further contact just causes him to have false hope. Move on for both your sakes if that is your decision.

[tincanman99]

Disappear without a trace! Thats what the last one I dated did. Tons of fun wondering what happened. I am joking about doing that because its very obnoxious.

 

Just say "I dont think this is a good match. I dont think we should see each other". That ends it right there. Concise, to the point with no mixed messages.

[Capricciosa]

I'm working my way up to it, for anyone who's curious. Haven't heard from him in a number of days though. And my intention is to just spit out the truth, without being hurtful. I have been on the receiving end of hurtful truth, which I don't think there's any call for. I don't believe in honesty at all costs. That is as selfish as lying in its own peculiar way.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm working my way up to it, for anyone who's curious. Haven't heard from him in a number of days though. And my intention is to just spit out the truth, without being hurtful. I have been on the receiving end of hurtful truth, which I don't think there's any call for. I don't believe in honesty at all costs. That is as selfish as lying in its own peculiar way.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that you lash out at him. Just deliver it truthfully and gently, which is what you're planning to do.

[BoooredGuy]

This will have him analyzing ways to win you back, and questioning what he can do to make things better, and he won't let go.

 

 

 

This would shut the door firmly, but would be a clear goodbye that would enable him to let go and find someone else who would be right for him.

 

 

 

The easiest thing to hear is something that makes it seem like the door may be open. Those are the guys you see posting here about 'my SO says she needs space/says that she isn't ready for a relationship/says she is scared/etc.' and they simply can't let go. Their pain is daily. Every day has them building hope and facing new rejections and seeing that hope chipped away every day. It hurts the most - a lingering hurt that is inflicted by a woman who simply can't be truthful about why she is walking away, and lets her guilt guide her breakup process.

 

What hurts the least? In the long term, the truth. It is painful at first, but is followed by a quicker healing process.

 

Tell him the truth - that you do not want to be in a relationship with him because you do not feel that he is the right guy for you. Then let him go. Do not offer 'friendship' or anything of the sort. Giving hope to someone when you are breaking up with them is about as helpful as giving the flu to a cancer patient. You won't be helping by hanging on or letting him hang on.

 

I've been dumped twice

 

Girl 1 -she told me the truth. She was very open and honest. It hurt, but I understood what she was getting at and I still had respect for her. I got over it in time, and we became friends.

 

Girl 2 - she was vague and lied to me. I think she thought that she was doing me a favor, but it hurt so much more. It was a double edged sword in that I lost respect for her because she lied to my face, yet I still clung to hope because it was so open ended and vague.

 

I dumped every girl worse than a dog would until I met Girl 1 and she dumped me. It hurt, but I learned what being gentle and honest is throughout a relationship. The termination of a relationship is still a part of the duration of the relationship. No matter how good or bad the relationship was, how it ends really does define the relationship (in hindsight) as well as the other person. Do it with class.

[1bee]

i have to agree. you can tell them the truth and still be classy about it.

 

the absolutely WORST f##king things to say are:

 

"it's not you, it's me."

"i love you, but i'm not IN love with you"

"i'm still searching for myself."

"i still want to be friends."

 

my ex said all this and then some and i absolutely f^%$king hate him since they were all lies. the best thing that you could do that would save him from posting here is to tell him the truth without sugar coating it. tell him everything. he won't end up hating you as much or at all if you do things right.

[Capricciosa]

tell him everything. he won't end up hating you as much or at all if you do things right.

 

This person does not love me, so hate is not really possible. It was not a very deep relationship.

[D-Lish]

I always feel terrible when I break up with someone I like because I know how bad it feels to be broken up with. I hate letting people down. The best break ups I've had were mutual, when we've both come to the same conclusion at the same time--I am still friends with those guys. This is not the case here, even though the relationship is light.

 

That's the impression I got- that you think he's a nice guy and want to figure out the best parting line to minimize his heartache.

 

There is nothing wrong with that.

 

That is why you should tell him that you think he is wonderful- but that you are against long term relationships, and since you are moving to Thailand.... it doesn't make sense to continue dating.

[BCCA]

Honesty is always the best policy. Excuses are like a-holes, everyone has one and they all stink. And I can tell you first hand that he'll see an excuse vs. the truth from a mile away.

 

Dont blame it on circumstances, family, work, school, your friends wedding, dont "its not you its me" him, and dont be cruel, but dont sugarcoat. The best way to get an immediate understanding of eachother is to be as upfron as you can, and even if he hates you at the moment, I can promise you that without fail, he'll have a ton more respect for you if you tell it straight. Honestly, if you ever even want to entertain the idea that he'll be a friend or want to even talk to you ever again, don't sugarcoat anything and don't BS him. He'll resent you for it, and thats honestly the reason i wouldnt even consider being friends with any ex of mine. Something being lied to that makes you feel like someone's made you a fool...

 

As far as I'm concerned, sugar coating is more about sparing your own guilt than the other persons feelings. Its selfish.

[Capricciosa]

Wow, so none of you like sugar in your coffee? That's kind of harsh. Personally, I would rather have my feelings spared a little. Half a teaspoon of sugar would do...

[alone_confused]

No i say go for the truth and only the truth, its bad enough being dumped in the first place without having to spend weeks and weeks trying to work out if was something you said, something you did, etc

 

I think at the very least you owe the person being dumped the truth, doesn't mean you have to be mean about it, or heartless, but the truth is the only fair thing.

 

someone mentioned, its fine to say, "I don't want to be in a relationship right now" My ex used that line as well as many others, its not an okay thing to say at all, it can imply the person feels stuck right now, needs time, but may want something in the future, the dumpee needs to know there is no hope what so ever, nothing is worse than clinging to hope.

[alwayssme]

What I would have liked to hear instead of "i love you but im not in love with you anymore" and "its not you, its me" would have been...hmm..i dont know...getting broken up with sucks but i guess i would have liked a better closure, a conversation instead of just those words and tears which followed even more hurtful words...i would have liked for him to have told me this WHEN HE FELT IT...(He waited months then broke up with me) I would have liked to have felt like I actually mattered and that the relationship mattered, where i went wrong and ummm yeah i would have liked for him to be more friendly and actually COMMUNICATE....sooo tell him the truth but dont be cold or harsh about it...and dont be all sympathetic like "your great but i just dont see u that way" that hurts somewhat...just be warm & mature about it but make sure u let him know its over!

[Capricciosa]

And he took it quite well, said he too was thinking the relationship wasn't really going anywhere, though there were a few little moments that he tried to salvage it. In the end, we agreed that neither of us was angry at each other about anything, so we could talk again, or have lunch in the next couple of weeks if we wanted to.

 

I don't think I left any opening other than that. I did say that we both needed to find someone with whom there was some kind of deeper connection and a future. He agreed that we both needed something more romantic (his word).

 

So I'm glad it's done, but I am a little sad, because I genuinely liked him even though he is not the guy for me.

[georgejungle]

"it's not you, it's me."

"i love you, but i'm not IN love with you"

"i'm still searching for myself."

"i still want to be friends."

 

These needed to be reposted. I can't agree more with

this list of the WORST excuses to give someone when

breaking it off.

 

I've gotten the "I'm not ready for such a caring, loving man

like you, right now. I'm still searching for myself" twice in my

life. Lamest excuse ever. Then why did you go out with me

for so long? They both ended up trying to get me back too.

 

Ugh.

[Trimmer]

Good for you. I think you acted respectfully, and respectably.

 

So I'm glad it's done, but I am a little sad, because I genuinely liked him even though he is not the guy for me.

It's natural to feel it as some kind of a loss. The guy wasn't a total jerk that you needed to just get rid of. Even if you knew it wasn't meant to be, you still recognize there were some good things there, and the loss you feel recognizes that.

 

The good thing about ending it on an honest note is that you can really appreciate your feelings and memories - even if they're tinged with some sadness - as true and genuine...

[Trialbyfire]

Now that's the mature way to do it, with mutual respect.

[alone_confused]

people keep saying they dont want to hear

 

"it's not you, it's me."

"i love you, but i'm not IN love with you"

"i'm still searching for myself."

"i still want to be friends."

i need space.

 

 

I've been dumped, never been a dumper, if those are just lines, what are the real reasons? assuming there is no one else at the present time.

[LucreziaBorgia]

if those are just lines, what are the real reasons?

 

If no one else is involved, then there is only one reason:

 

"I don't like you enough to love you anymore, and I don't want to be in a relationship with you."

 

It can be something as petty as the way someone snores at night, or the shape of the nose - sometimes just small things like that begin to eat at you and bug the everliving hell out of you and you find that you can't stand the sight of that person anymore.

 

You don't want to tell them something like that, so you make up something that sounds kinder, or shifts the blame in such a way that makes a breakup seem unavoidable.