Heartagram Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 I'm finding myself in a similar situation right now...I just can't find the right words to say to someone I've been dating for 2 months, but can't see a future with. He's a few years younger than me, and while the blinders were on in the beginning and I thought that wasn't really going to be an issue, I now think ultimately it is one. Is that appropriate to come out and say to someone straight away? I don't want to make him feel that his goals of going back to school, getting his degree, etc, are wrong that it's made me want to break things off with him. Quite the contrary, I respect that and feel it's great but not something that's going to be finished within the next 4-5 years. There's also the added issue that my parents are facing a crisis at the moment and I will be out of town helping for most of the next few weekends (indeterminable really, until things are better) and that's just not fair to a burgeoning relationship. But I DO want to be friends with this person, and yes that might be selfish but it's something I really want. So do I just tell him this like I've said here?? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 I'm finding myself in a similar situation right now...I just can't find the right words to say to someone I've been dating for 2 months, but can't see a future with. He's a few years younger than me, and while the blinders were on in the beginning and I thought that wasn't really going to be an issue, I now think ultimately it is one. Is that appropriate to come out and say to someone straight away? I don't want to make him feel that his goals of going back to school, getting his degree, etc, are wrong that it's made me want to break things off with him. Quite the contrary, I respect that and feel it's great but not something that's going to be finished within the next 4-5 years. There's also the added issue that my parents are facing a crisis at the moment and I will be out of town helping for most of the next few weekends (indeterminable really, until things are better) and that's just not fair to a burgeoning relationship. But I DO want to be friends with this person, and yes that might be selfish but it's something I really want. So do I just tell him this like I've said here?? I would still say, be honest. Your situation is a little different, in that you have this strong desire to remain friends, but it might be useful to think of this as analogous to his desire to remain romantic partners. If you just don't desire a future with him as a romantic partner, you need to tell him, and you may expect he'll be disappointed, but that he'll accept it. In very much the same way, he may decide he does not desire a future with you as "just" a friend, and while you, too, may be disappointed in that, you have to prepare yourself to accept that possibility, just as you'll expect him to accept his side of things. Regardless of all that though, I think the best opportunity for a healthy and clean outcome still comes from respectful, unambiguous honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Capricciosa Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 Having just done it myself, I would say edit down to the two or three most important points. People rarely need the whole story. And let him suggest the friendship. It would ultimately be up to him anyway. My guy clearly wanted to keep on knowing me, but then again, he was ultimately in agreement with me that something was missing from our romantic relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 I was discussing this with some guy friends tonight, because I'm facing calling it quits with someone. And they told me not to bother with the truth, just to tell him I'm not in the right headspace for a relationship with him, that it would be a kinder way to let him go. I wasn't going to say anything bad, because I like him. He is just ultimately not the man for me. But I don't want to hurt his feelings. So what's the easiest thing to hear? What has hurt the least? I'd prefer to hear "Sorry baby, but your cock is just too big for me, and I have so many orgasms when we make love that it is distracting me from my career, I can't even get to work on time the morning after! Besides, you are so damn hot and charismatic that I feel compelled to get pregnant with your babies, and I know you would hate that. So for your sake, I think we ought to break off." More realistically - who cares? Just say you don't wanna date anymore, and prefer to end things. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 Having just done it myself, I would say edit down to the two or three most important points. People rarely need the whole story. And let him suggest the friendship. It would ultimately be up to him anyway. My guy clearly wanted to keep on knowing me, but then again, he was ultimately in agreement with me that something was missing from our romantic relationship. Lol. Seriously, this is a terrible idea. If a woman dumped me, I would not care *why*. All that matters is she wants to end things. Some laboured BS post-mortem would just bore the crap out of me - after being dumped, what kind of crazy thinks I actually want to sit and listen, wasting 30 mins+ of my life to find out what the motivation was, when she is clearly saying we're never going to f*ck again, let alone date? It's over, so it's over. Finito. Kaput. The End! Move on with minimal fuss - if someone really *wants* to know why they were dumped, they will ask you. No need to volunteer that information otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 I'm finding myself in a similar situation right now...I just can't find the right words to say to someone I've been dating for 2 months, but can't see a future with. Great! A problem I can solve in 10 seconds. The words are "You know, I don't see things working out between us. Sorry!" Link to post Share on other sites
FindingMyselfAgain Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 Guys, what do you prefer to hear when someone dumps you? I'm a big fan of: "I *would* go out with you, but I am covered from head to toe in third degree burns, have AIDs, terminal pancreatic cancer, and I have just been sentenced to 250 years in a Malaysian prison." Extra credit if it's all true. Link to post Share on other sites
FindingMyselfAgain Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 30 mins+ of my life to find out what the motivation was, when she is clearly saying we're never going to f*ck again, let alone date? True, but it never hurts to ask. "So, an occasional screw... you're still good with that, right?" Link to post Share on other sites
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