In Sexless Marriage

[Patti]

I am in a completly sexless marriage....My husband is a good man....we have been married almost 4 years....it is not only the sex...no affection...no touching.......no foreplay....NOTHING I have asked him if he was gay...he says no.....this is very disurbing to me....I am seperating my self from him emotionally and he sees this....he has agreed to go to counseling after the Holidays and I have agreed to see what happins and be patient ....But this is freaking me out...I have never been with a man that does not require sex...I am a very sexual woman...always have been.....but he does not even treat me like his wife.....I told him it is like he is my roomate or big brother..and that is how I feel .....Please ..someone give me some feedback on this.....I dont even know If I am posting this where I should be ...I have not been on this kind of forum before .....this is very hurtful to me as I do love him but I dont belive he loves me....Oh and he is always giving me outs of the marriage? what the frig is that about?

[Geishawhelk]

May I ask how long you've been married?

Has it always been like this?

Is it possible he has erectile dysfunction?

 

Someone posted something very wise on forum, to the tune of:

 

Finding out the reasons as to why there is a problem in the sex department, makes people think that it will solve it.

It won't.

All you will do, is find the reasons as to why there's a problem in the sex department..

But it doesn't mean there will be a solution to follow.

Solving the problem is a bigger task.

 

I do wish you every success to a positive solutioon.

But I think you're in for an uphill struggle.

It depends what staying - or climbing - power, you think you have.

[Patti]

We have been married about 4 years--and he was a drinker when we first met--which was a problem for me because I was in marriage to a very bad alcoholic and was not going to return to that life....so he stopped drinking and has been sober 4 years in Jan....it seems that since he stopped drinking his sex drive stopped as well ----as yes it has always been this way since he stopped drinking-----I didnt connect the two for a while tho ...BUT he was single for many years before we met and had 2 other marriages that lasted less then 2 years .....he has NO interest in sex AT ALL ...I mean nothing that goes along with a romantic relationship either ...never tells me I look nice or sexy .....he is a very good wife tho lol ----he is also OCD he does all the housework and laundry and shopping so I dont have to do it? I am 50 years old as of 12/3/08 and have 2 grown kids---I know how to do all this stuff---he insists on doing these things...for reasons I dont know.....so I dunno But I do know I am getting attracted to other men and I am close to having an affair or somthing....but on the other hand he says if I do that the marriage is over---go figure

[Patti]

PS ...no ED he can get an erection.....which does not last long at all ...........I cant remember that last time we had sex---which is sad--------when you are in love and dont get anything back from that person....I feel like he is not "into" me at all---and he has a wall up to me ----he tells me every day he loves me But I sure dont feel it .....

[Joyvke]

Perhaps he has a problem even though he can get an erection. Did you ever try and talk with him about this?

[Patti]

Oh yes I am very blunt with him about my feelings on this ---it does not seem to phase him at all ----a few friends know and say "WOW that is just not right"

 

I find this very upseting and he tells me that if I cheat the marriage is over? how can he justify this??

 

help please!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Geishawhelk]

Patti, I'm not going to tell you what you should do with regard to your relationship.

But I'm going to post some snippets, that may give you a better angle on how to proceed.

Which is of course, ultimately, your choice.

 

"When the sex is great, it's 5% of a relationship.

When the sex ISN'T great, it's 95% of a relationship."

 

That comes from my Counselling manual.

 

'Desire is natural.

Fidelity is a choice.'

That one's mine, and seems to be spot on.....

 

In addition, I'd like to add I'm 52, divorced my ex- of 22 years and am in a relationship with a new man, and have been for the past 4 years.

 

Life begins at 40?

 

make that 40-plus!

 

There's more to his lack of libido than meets the eye.

With his OCD and previous drinking past (once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic - even one who doesn't drink. (This from my step-Mother-in-Law, who has been an alcoholic since she was just into her teens and is now 54 and teetotal. But she says she's still an alcoholic. Who happens to not drink....!)

 

I think it comes down to a choice for you:

Remain with him, go counselling and make it clear that you cannot commit to a continued marriage without any physical or emotional affection: How would he feel about you having flings?

Or:

Agree that it has run its course.

 

But whatever you do, don't do anything 'behind his back'

 

That way lies perdition.....

[Dexter Morgan]

Patti, I think maybe you both may be the victim of the marriage blues, even though one of you may have receded.

 

It could be that he is simply comfortable with the way things are because the marriage got old. Not saying he doesn't love you, but sometimes with certain people if they are in a relationship for too long, its no longer exciting to them.

 

And I see this as a pretty lame reason, but has anything changed in your appearance that would make him less attracted to you? And i'm just asking, so don't jump me, but have you:

 

-gained weight

-cut your hair real short

-done anything else that he might not really be in to?

 

etc?? I know if thats the case its pretty lame, cuz what if, for example, he lost all his hair??

 

but it is not probably a matter of him not loving you any more, but merely the duldrums have set in.

 

As an off example, I know with one of my exes, she denied me sex for the longest time with the old, "i'm tired", "i have a headache" routines that I became accustomed to not getting sex. And not being the kind of guy that cheats, I just accepted this and didn't ask any longer. Then when I wasn't really interested anymore, she wondered why?

 

Did you at any time fall into a slump and not really want sex very often?

 

i'm just looking for explanations.

 

Another might be, and perish the thought, that maybe he is having sex elsewhere?

[Shnuggles]

Sounds like this guy wants a slave, not a wife.

 

 

Oh and he is always giving me outs of the marriage? what the frig is that about?

 

Not sure what you mean here. He wants out of the marriage? Maybe talk to some of his friends or even better, his friends wives? They may have some good info for you.

[Patti]

No he isnt into the slave concept---he is very respectful to women he grew up with 4 sisters-----what I mean by him giving me outs is --he will say very cavalier I might add is : "Well just let me know if you want to end this" or " well if you are not happy just let me know and we can part as friends" or " if YOU think you want out of the marriage lets talk about it and we will split" I just dont understand what is really going on with him ..NO ED at all....I believe he is A sexuall....He has NO interest in touching me looking at me ,unless I am dressed...no affection...no holding..no sex. No "wow baby you look nice" NOTHING

 

and to Dexter: Maybe I should send you a pic of myself to show you what I look like ..I am in no way being concited or thinking I am all that in anyway...I am 50 and do not look like I am at all ...I am very comfortable in MY own skin ...and a people person and love going out and singing Karaoke and I have a lot of friends...If someone can tell me how to post a pic on here I would...I am not over weight ..I take care of myself..and I always wear make up and love to look sexy.....

 

As far as 'HIS" friends he does have a few but he really does not "hang out" with any friends....he works ..comes home and is involved as a Officer in the Moose lodge in this area- so he is very involved with that -which I have no problem with at all....BUT I do have a problem with him as far as not paying any damn attention to his WIFE at all --and when other men do pay attenion I get: "Oh Patti eeryone KNOWS you are pretty" or "Oh we all know other men are attractted to you" WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE ??????? Am I about to lose my friggin mind here or what?

 

I am a very sexual person that is married to a NON existant sexual person --So What the hell do I do? we've went to counseling---I have talked to him about this over and over and over....Am I supposed to wake up on day when I am 60 and go " ok I have wasted another 10 years ( whell then it will be 16) on a man who claims he loves me but wont touch ME AT ALL? GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I am getting to the point where I dont care anymore ...I am dancing with other men...he never says a word or acts jealous in any way....I am telling you all it is like I married a really great wife " he insistes on doing all the house work" uh huh and its like he is a roomate! BUT on the other hand says if I cheat the marriage is over? that just is not right at all.....I have NOT cheated and I dont intend too unless this marriage does fail and it wont be because of ME ---ok off of the soapbox for now lol ---looking forward to any replys I recieve

 

Thank you all

[Patti]

Ok I put a pic as my avatar----and I have more if anyone is interested in seeing what I look like-----just giving you a idea of who I am thats all

[Joyvke]

Ask him if he wants to a councillor with you. See if you can save something. If he still doesn't want sex, talk about the idea of having a **** buddy or something.

[Patti]

I tried that .....he will not have it at all He says if I am with another man in any way it is over -----thank god for sex toys ..........Geezzzzz

[RecordProducer]

Someone posted something very wise on forum, to the tune of:

 

Finding out the reasons as to why there is a problem in the sex department, makes people think that it will solve it.

It won't.

All you will do, is find the reasons as to why there's a problem in the sex department..

But it doesn't mean there will be a solution to follow.

Solving the problem is a bigger task.

I "know" the person who posted this. Well, her problem was magically resolved when she slept with another man (outside the marriage) and didn't hide it from her husband. The husband's desire was miraculously and very suddenly ignited after three years (the entire lenth of the marriage) of no sex. Not that this is advice. It's just the truth. And the reason may be simpler than you'd believe: mere lack of challenge?

[Posco_Proudfoot]

I am in a completly sexless marriage....My husband is a good man....we have been married almost 4 years....it is not only the sex...no affection...no touching.......no foreplay....NOTHING I have asked him if he was gay...he says no.....this is very disurbing to me....I am seperating my self from him emotionally and he sees this....he has agreed to go to counseling after the Holidays and I have agreed to see what happins and be patient ....But this is freaking me out...I have never been with a man that does not require sex...I am a very sexual woman...always have been.....but he does not even treat me like his wife.....I told him it is like he is my roomate or big brother..and that is how I feel .....Please ..someone give me some feedback on this.....I dont even know If I am posting this where I should be ...I have not been on this kind of forum before .....this is very hurtful to me as I do love him but I dont belive he loves me....Oh and he is always giving me outs of the marriage? what the frig is that about?

You need to get him in to see a doctor. It's quite possible his testosterone is too low. For a man, it makes you not interested in sex or being close to anyone at all. It's like it is blocked from your mind. Luv don't fix something like this.

[Kenyth]

Alcohol problems, and OCD? Those are big red flags of issues between the ears that certainly relate to your sexual problems. Sounds like he may want out of the marriage anyway. The booze was probably self medication for another issue, or he resents you for making him quit.

 

Get in a heated discussion about it, then disappear at a hotel for a few days on vacation. When you get back, refuse to discuss where you were any further than the fact that you needed to get away. That might be enough to provide a wake-up call.

[Patti]

I didnt make him quit--I told him I was not going to be the "Beer" police ...been there done that and I was not going back.....he chose to quit on his own after I said if he continued to drink like he was it would affect the relationship---so hes been sober 4 years 1/2/09---- He says he does not want out of the marriage-but gives me outs when ever it gets heated between us ---so he is saying one thing and dong another and driving me NUTS!

 

About the going away for a few days---THAT IS A GREAT IDEA! I really may concider doing that ---I will think about that one --Thank you !

[Patti]

Had that checked too ---it was a lil low but not low enough to affect his libido as per the Doctor .......So I dunno

[Posco_Proudfoot]

So, you're mad about not having sex but everything else is going fine?

 

He treats you good, but because he doesn't do what you want, then he is giving you reasons to get out?

[Kenyth]

I didnt make him quit--I told him I was not going to be the "Beer" police ...been there done that and I was not going back.....he chose to quit on his own after I said if he continued to drink like he was it would affect the relationship---so hes been sober 4 years 1/2/09---- He says he does not want out of the marriage-but gives me outs when ever it gets heated between us ---so he is saying one thing and dong another and driving me NUTS!

 

About the going away for a few days---THAT IS A GREAT IDEA! I really may concider doing that ---I will think about that one --Thank you !

 

You can't pressure someone to do something and then disclaim responsibility. That's not to say you were right or wrong, simply that you have to claim responsibility for the change.

[Patti]

Everything else is fine...he is the perfect husband BUTA everything else is NOT fine because the marriage is not complete....as I explained before it is like hes a roomate ....he is a good man but I am not feeling like he is really in this marriage......like he has a wall up to me sexually and yes I am mad about it ,,,hurt and frustrated ...who would not BE??

 

I dont understand why he is giving me reasons to get out...maybe he is doing this because he feels guilty?

[Posco_Proudfoot]

Everything else is fine...he is the perfect husband BUTA everything else is NOT fine because the marriage is not complete....as I explained before it is like hes a roomate ....he is a good man but I am not feeling like he is really in this marriage......like he has a wall up to me sexually and yes I am mad about it ,,,hurt and frustrated ...who would not BE??

 

I dont understand why he is giving me reasons to get out...maybe he is doing this because he feels guilty?

He has agreed to go to counseling after the holidays. I don't think you're going to get any answers except from him and/or with a third party therapist. Could be some underlying reasons for it.

[Patti]

I didnt pressure him to do anything about his drinking. I just told him it would not be me he would have a relationship with if it continued. I do claim responsibility in that fact that I was not going to tolorate a man with a drinking problem any longer...yes

[Patti]

yes I have agreed to that .....and I will see if he follows thru with it ..I hope he does.....if not I will have a big choice to make in 2009

[RecordProducer]

Patti, my husband also said it'd be over if I cheated, but please note that sleeping with another man is not necessarily "cheating" in their mind. My husband also didn't have an ED. He doesn't do anything in the house and he is an alpha-male; he's in his 50's, I am in my 30's; he'd told me the relationship was over; he also had two short marriages before ours; he grew up with a strict mother who beat him and a nice, but emotionally cold father. You need to dump him or sleep with someone else for him to become interested in you. It has nothign to do with yhis drinking in the past or his OCD. It's in his psyche.