In Sexless Marriage

[Kenyth]

I didnt pressure him to do anything about his drinking. I just told him it would not be me he would have a relationship with if it continued. I do claim responsibility in that fact that I was not going to tolorate a man with a drinking problem any longer...yes

 

 

Doling out rewards or consequences IS pressure. Now, even though the habit has subsided, he may feel resentment about it. People who drink a lot, like to do it. Stopping them is removing of a very pleasurable passtime. He may also feel guilty about feeling resentful because he knows it was for his own good. Those underlying feelings of resentment, anxiety, and guilt could be the problem.

[Posco_Proudfoot]

yes I have agreed to that .....and I will see if he follows thru with it ..I hope he does.....if not I will have a big choice to make in 2009

I hope your not going to into therapy telling your husband this.

Sort of like saying "we're going to have sex and my H's problems are his own".

I hate to tell ya but some of his problems might be with you. The old saying "men think with their d**ks" might be true in some cases.

[Desperate HH]

Lots of men (and women) don't want or need much sex. Google "Asexuality". Or check in on the Sexless Marriage discussion board, on Yuku.

 

There may be lots of issues, and the best thing you can do is get into counseling together. But if you really need sex to have a fulfilling relationship, and it is of no importance to him - well, imagine yourself in 10, or 20, or 30 years. How will you feel then? Will you have regrets?

 

Good luck.

 

DHH

[Dexter Morgan]

and to Dexter: Maybe I should send you a pic of myself to show you what I look like ..I am in no way being concited or thinking I am all that in anyway...I am 50 and do not look like I am at all ...I am very comfortable in MY own skin ...and a people person and love going out and singing Karaoke and I have a lot of friends...If someone can tell me how to post a pic on here I would...I am not over weight ..I take care of myself..and I always wear make up and love to look sexy.....

 

Oh no sweets. No need to send me a pic. If that is you in your avatar, then you are one smoking lady!!!!

 

So what the hell is your husband's problem? Now I am just throwing this out, but do you ever suspect your husband of being with any other women? The sex ususally stops at home when one spouse is straying.

[Dexter Morgan]

Patti, my husband also said it'd be over if I cheated, but please note that sleeping with another man is not necessarily "cheating" in their mind.

 

It is to me. Along with kissing, emotional bonds, and any other form of affection.

 

So if you sleep with another man, you feel your marriage will be safe?

 

 

My husband also didn't have an ED.

 

and if he did?

 

 

You need to dump him or sleep with someone else for him to become interested in you.

 

Uh, no. If it is that bad, she needs to talk to him about it and if nothing changes, then she needs to simply dump him, not cheat.

[Charles1978]

Sounds like he wants out of the marriage and is trying to sabotage it. Just my opinion, but that's the only explanation I can come up with... especially in light of the fact that he is hinting at you two parting ways.

[LavendarGirl]

Patti,

I just got out of a sexless marriage. It was by definition nonsexual for the duration of our marriage (8 years), but we had absolutely no sex for the last 4 years we were together. A nonsexual marriage, by the way, is having sex less than 10 times a year.

 

The problems were his, though at first (the first year) he tried to pin the blame on me.

 

He was also an alcoholic and got sober two years into the marriage. The sobriety didn't cause the lack of sex, but rather some of the dynamics.

 

He was at times in extreme denial that there was any sort of problem. Other times he would own the problem, saying it stemmed from childhood abuse, and that prior when he was drinking, he always had some alcohol in his system in order to perform sexually.

 

I asked him to see a therapist for years, and he never did. Though he did talk to his AA sponsor, it did no good (or at least what I could see on my end). I wouldn't be surprised if he is a closet gay, or if he had a very cleverly concealed affair this whole time. I mean, how does a man have a zero libido? I don't think I will ever get the true reason out of him as to why he remained sexless.

 

This past year I decided I had given him enough time to fix the problem. I asked for a divorce, and citing the fact that we hadn't had sex in four years. His response? No, it had been two years and not four. That is NOT a normal answer, and I pointed it out to him!

 

In all honesty, the sexless problem was blatant, but there were other dynamics in our marriage that could have made both of us partially culpable. For starters, I was just never that much in love with him. Not the head over heels variety. I wonder if he picked up on that, and just the affection wasn't mutually there, with the sexless part the most obvious part. Also, there were resentment issues on both sides, and I had felt he stayed in the M for as long as he did only because of our daughter.

 

Best of luck to you, I didn't find a solution other than to get out.

 

--LG.

[mark982]

a dr. just looks at a chart and says "well your testerone levels are alittle low" 90% of drs. don't know crap about what the levels should be. just cause a book says, this is what it should be. they just go by that. what your husband needs to see is a dr. who does male hrt.everyone different, he just might need higher levels. i was in the same boat about 4 yrs ago.i'm also a recovering alchy (5 yrs coming up soon] google anti aging drs in your area.

[luvstarved]

Have you asked him whether he masturbates or looks at porn or thinks about sex at all? He could be asexual, though that is rare, but I do wonder if he has other outlets...???

 

I was in sexless M for several years...put my foot down, things improved dramatically in terms of frequency and my H getting back into it...but I was dissatisfied still because it was so...one-sided...impersonal, etc.

 

Now, we rarely have sex and I pass on it at least half the time because all he wants is to wake me up first thing in the morning, say "ya wanna" then stick his d**k in my mouth to get him ready and not touch me at all, or give me any affection or feedback, then on to a quick finish. Not much to "miss out on".

 

In my H's case, he seems to be narcissistic and actually prefer solo sex to having to "perform" or deal with someone else's pesky needs. I think he enjoys a NEW woman, but after a short while gets bored, or displeased that she has any requirements of him, and would just rather take care of things himself. He is 50 and largely accustomed to this...so when I refuse, it is almost like letting him off the hook.

 

He is BTW also an alcoholic but had quit drinking years before I met him so I do not have firsthand knowledge of him any other way.

 

Another thought I have had about my H is that his behavior is "gay" in a way...I do not think that he has been or would want to be with other men and when he was looking at porn it was not gay porn...but it was mostly BJs and cum shots. And, he does not seem particularly interested in female anatomy. I got the impresson that his whole sexual fascination is with himself, and imagine that when he does masturbate, it is to thoughts of someone begging to blow him, etc. It's all about him, and as he is a male, in a twisted way, it seems ... gay. He also does not seem interested in anything that isn't male-oriented. Its all sports and the gym and war history...gosh I'm getting turned off just writing about it!

 

I am 50 too and truly sick of this life...I know what you mean...my God, soon enough we'll really be old and who knows what health issues could be down the road to short circuit romance?

 

Sometimes the more I ignore him the more he tries to stir things up romantically, but at this point it seems like mere preservation of the marriage...from which all he seems to want is a background support system to enable his wants and needs.

 

I wish I had more positive information to offer you, but whatever reason he might have for not wanting sex, it is wildly unlikely to change on its own. Counseling is your only hope, I think, but at some point, he has to be willing and even eager to change...best wishes to you.

[moonshadow]

His comments, giving you the "okay" to end the marriage if you want.........that says 2 things to me............1) either he's so afraid you're going to leave him, he's trying to beat you to the punch or 2) he's just not happy in the marriage, isn't "in love" with you.

 

Have you ever considered that most alcoholics drink to numb the pain of something? And now that he's been sober for 4 yrs, he likely still has underlying issues that perhaps haunt him but now he is in some ways miserable because he can't turn to booze to numb that pain.......and maybe in some ways he does resent you because he knew he had to quit drinking in order to make your marriage work.

 

Have you ever considered that maybe he's depressed? Depression can most definitely have a direct impact on a man's libido, and even his ability to give and receive basic affection.

 

Also, you may want to remove your picture from your avatar here -- thousands and thousands and thousands of people read these forums; it would surely be very unfortunate if someone reading recognized your picture and told your husband; how humiliated he would be that you're telling your private business on the internet and that the person who recognized you nows about your husband's issues. Just a thought.

[LostNLonely]

I can't understand your husband at all. With all due respect. I would ride you hard and put you up wet daily. You would feel like a sex toy when I got through with you. Your an attractive woman. You deserve to be loved. Go find yourself a better partner and companion. Are you near NJ?

[Dexter Morgan]

I can't understand your husband at all. With all due respect. I would ride you hard and put you up wet daily. You would feel like a sex toy when I got through with you. Your an attractive woman. You deserve to be loved. Go find yourself a better partner and companion. Are you near NJ?

 

Now there is a player's set of pick up lines if I ever heard them:rolleyes:

[Sw3etdev1L]

My first boyfriend with whom I lost my virginity had premature ejaculation.

Truth is I really liked him, I really did!!!!,, I so much did that I talked about it with him....

He used to drink lots of alcohol, I blame him doing that for the lack of libido and sexuality he had..

Truth is I started seeing him more as a friend than as a partner.

I broke up with him.. why? it was not only affecting him in a sexual way, and me, but his self esteem.. so much he started to grow angry at me, and it wasnot me he was angry with but himself.

Marriage is just a legal committment which protects the woman when she has family, you know?...

love, congeniality and sex... doesn't have to do anything with marriage, not even religion.

having a life fulfilled is what life is all about, try and solve it..if he doesn't treat you right, doesn't like what he has with you and doesn't put effort in your relationship...what are you doing there? I mean, if you where free from legal and material stuff which make you attached... would you still be with him? what would you do?... marriage is not what life is about, it's about you enjoying life, each and every single day you are in it.

It might be rough right now you are into this thing...but if you do what makes you free and feels good, you will be out of a burden. just do what feels right with you, as a woman, as an individual..without caring about what society might say, what he might feel, what he might think, or your kids...this is not about anybody but you...what do you want?