I'm calling it quits with my new man...

[DSM-IV Tom]

You sound jaded.

 

You may not always like what you hear but sometimes you need to hear it.

 

I'm not saying what I'm saying to put you down. I'm saying what I'm saying so you can view yourself objectively and have a real opportunity to change it for your own benefit. I don't say what I say to put you down unless it's the best way to really bring you up.

 

 

And my earlier posts in this topic were obviously not serious. Compare my normal posting history to the beginning posts of this topic. That was having fun. Hell, you can't even see D-Lish in her pic. I have no idea what she actually looks like. I was trying to cheer her up and not be as negative as this specific forum usually tends to be.

[johan]

Don't worry about it, Tom. She's turned many on here down. D is a hard nut to crack.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Lmao I didn't get turned down, did I? I mean how could I? I don't even know what she looks like really. She's got an avatar pic where she looks like a normal blonde. She could be goofy looking for all I know in reality (no offense to d-lish of course!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). I was just trying to play around. I didn't mean for anyone to take it serious... really.

[Trialbyfire]

Negative attention is better than none at all, from an attractive woman. Isn't it?

[DSM-IV Tom]

I wouldn't know. I usually don't get negative attention lol. Why are you putting this person on a pedastool though? Who cares?

 

Stay on topic. She's just another person. Worlds full of 7 billion of them.

[melodymatters]

I wouldn't know. I usually don't get negative attention lol. Why are you putting this person on a pedastool though? Who cares?

 

Stay on topic. She's just another person. Worlds full of 7 billion of them.

 

 

Me thinks everyone is just messing with you Tom, because you came on here and tried to "diagnose" us, and we ol' time love-shakians don't take kindly to that !

[DSM-IV Tom]

It's perfectly understandable that I've offended people and I would apologize if I weren't offending them with a very specific positive outcome in mind.

 

I've helped people by just being kind and holding their hands. But they relapse.

 

So I choose the "better" way (in my opinion) which is harsh realities and straight facts. It hurts to hear, but it's for your true benefit. If we hold eachothers hands, then all we'll be doing is enforcing temporary relief. If we tell eachother like it is, then we all have a good chance at recovering/seeing things for how they really are. And healing ultimately.

 

Sure, my methods are unorthodox, yes, but they are effective.

 

If you have a problem that is creating negativity in your life, would you rather someone tell you that you'll be okay and not to worry? Or would you rather that someone tell you what's wrong with you, even while you're in pain, so that you can see it like it really is and fix it once and for all?

 

Don't mistake me for cruel. I am not bashing people senselessly.

[Trialbyfire]

It's perfectly understandable that I've offended people and I would apologize if I weren't offending them with a very specific positive outcome in mind.

 

I've helped people by just being kind and holding their hands. But they relapse.

 

So I choose the "better" way (in my opinion) which is harsh realities and straight facts. It hurts to hear, but it's for your true benefit. If we hold eachothers hands, then all we'll be doing is enforcing temporary relief. If we tell eachother like it is, then we all have a good chance at healing/recovering/seeing things for how they really are. And healing ultimately.

 

Sure, my methods are unorthodox, yes, but they are effective.

Have you looked into this Narcissistic Personality Disorder? I think you should. Here's a link to it. I can make this diagnosis from reading a few posts from you within this thread. No need to thank me. I'm just doing my job to help the plebs!

 

http://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/narcissistic.html

[DSM-IV Tom]

Lol I am well versed with narcissism thank you. I do have 2 out of the several traits of it. Good observation. But there's a big difference between narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. We all have narcissistic traits. But I do commend you for noticing that so fast. That's impressive. I absolutely deserve to have my philosophy turned back on me. It's only fair.

 

I may be an *** **** but that's exactly what I have to be to help people like I do. I have gotten more thank you's this way in a month than I ever have holding hands.

[RecordProducer]

The last 2 nights we spent together he complained that his eggs weren't runny enough, I hadn't ironed his work shirt and pants to his liking, I had Special K in the house but he sulked I didn't have Cornflakes.... things like that. I found myself feeling lots of resentment by the time I dropped him off.

Huh? You iron his shirt, you cook for him, you drive him to another town... D-Lish, are you nuts?! Didn't anyone ever teach you that you're nobody's slave and you only do these things if you're in a real relationship with someone? I mean, he's telling you about other boyfriends, which means you're not even in an exclusive relationshoip and you're serving him as if he's your husband! HE should be taking you out to restaurants, cooking for you, and driving you if you want him to respect you. And his shirt is his problem. If he needs it ironed, he can do it himself.

 

I guess you were trying to show him that you're marriage material (and I assure you he got the message), but all you're doing is attracting those who want to marry a maid. Thank God this guy taught you a lesson: that this is not how you find the right guy. If you want someone to respect you, and not use you, start with some self-respect. The next guy will show a lot of appreciation until he marries you; then he'll drop a pile of dirty laundry in front of you to wash and iron and give you a list of his favorite three-course meals that you have to cook for him. Is this what you want?

 

This guy is likely not Mr. Right, but he is not important. YOUR behavior and whom you attract with it is important. Nobody likes doormats. The men who marry them are the ones who need innocent wives in the kitchen to deliver and take care of their babies, while they are out with their mistresses.

 

Think about what you want in a man. Then think about what you should be in order to attract such a man. If you want someone to treat you like a slave, then act like a slave. If you want someone to treat you like a queen, then act like a queen. It's as simple as that.

[D-Lish]

Huh? You iron his shirt, you cook for him, you drive him to another town... D-Lish, are you nuts?! Didn't anyone ever teach you that you're nobody's slave and you only do these things if you're in a real relationship with someone? I mean, he's telling you about other boyfriends, which means you're not even in an exclusive relationshoip and you're serving him as if he's your husband! HE should be taking you out to restaurants, cooking for you, and driving you if you want him to respect you. And his shirt is his problem. If he needs it ironed, he can do it himself.

 

I guess you were trying to show him that you're marriage material (and I assure you he got the message), but all you're doing is attracting those who want to marry a maid. Thank God this guy taught you a lesson: that this is not how you find the right guy. If you want someone to respect you, and not use you, start with some self-respect. The next guy will show a lot of appreciation until he marries you; then he'll drop a pile of dirty laundry in front of you to wash and iron and give you a list of his favorite three-course meals that you have to cook for him. Is this what you want?

 

This guy is likely not Mr. Right, but he is not important. YOUR behavior and whom you attract with it is important. Nobody likes doormats. The men who marry them are the ones who need innocent wives in the kitchen to deliver and take care of their babies, while they are out with their mistresses.

 

Think about what you want in a man. Then think about what you should be in order to attract such a man. If you want someone to treat you like a slave, then act like a slave. If you want someone to treat you like a queen, then act like a queen. It's as simple as that.

 

 

Whoa- hold on a second.

As I have stated a couple times- this happened on two occasions where he was late for work. I was never a doormat to him in any sense. Everything was completely reciprocal. He cooked for me and took me to dinner loads (always paid) and drew baths for me. I didn't go out of my way for him anymore than he did for me. It was the very last date we had where this transpired. He took me to dinner the night before- I made him breakfast in the morning and ironed his uniform because he was running late. He got bitchy and I got resentful.

 

He has taken a subway and a train to visit me numerous times. It was just that last day that I drove him to customs to return something, then did his pants in the morning after. He was bitchy that day and it made me resentful because it was new behaviour.

 

I was never a doormat or overdoing things. He's washed my clothes when I've stayed at his house before, cooked me many dinners and breakfasts- walked my dogs, etc. I was good to him, but not over attentive.

 

I have a job and a life, and we saw each other a couple times a week and we always had loads of fun.

 

He doesn't have his canadian liscense yet as he just arrived from Ireland, so I drive sometimes. I am very aware of the difference between being a doormat and being nice. I am nice. He was nice, kind and giving as well.

Just the last date where I felt he was being an ass and knew intuitively something was up.

 

People keep bashing me for the ironing thing. I have to keep re-iterating- it was twice in two months I did it when he was running late. I am not a Disney character singing and dancing and twirling about as I over do it. I cleaned his place once when he went to work.... He came home and made me dinner and ran me a bath.

 

I am venting and may have come off as sounding like I went all Disney and submssive. We did nice things for EACH OTHER equally. The last date was what made me mad, where he acted selfish.

 

DsmTom... I'll get to you next, lol.

I'm not truly that funny looking... maybe a little, but I wear my bangs long so you can't tell.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Lmao no theres no need to get to me. I'm only trying to help some people out the best way I can. This topic isn't about me, we can keep it focused on getting you the help you need.

 

I didn't say you were funny looking either lol I would never say that to someone to be mean or anything. I just said you can't tell in your avatar, because some random people were calling me out on my joking at the beginning of this topic.

 

Let's not focus on me. How can I help you at this point?

[D-Lish]

Pulling the trigger fast/going straight for a breakup is signs of Histrionic Personality Disorder. (Extreme black and white thinking). It is also a characteristic of other mental disorders.

 

Many people think women are crazy because of this. I understand why.

 

Okay, let's tackle the mental disorder thing here...lol.

 

I don't have a histrionic personality disorder. Some people like TBF know my history. I was married and with the same man for almost 9 years. He cheated on me and got another woman pregnant, so I left him and subsequently went through a pretty bad time.

 

I would say I am now a product of that pain I experienced. It is because of that, that I question my own judgement and instincts about a person. It is because of my divorce and heartache that I am quick to run from percieved pain.

 

Is that a problem? Of course. It's a big problem, but not a mental disorder. It is something I have to move forward from- and I have made great gains. I still have a fear of intimacy since that divorce.

 

I spent such a long time choosing the wrong people on purpose since that experience so I wouldn't get involved. Now, I find that my radar is off when it comes to who would make a good partner, and who is a bad choice.

 

And I know you were lifting my spirits when you asked about my avatar- and it did. I am funny looking though.

[DSM-IV Tom]

I wish I could say something along my usual lines but it truly sounds as if you've been a victim and you were dealt the bad cards. I don't know how to enforce my method in this specific scenario. So I will just offer myself up with any help I can give.

 

Which unfortunately isn't much, because you've already hit all the nails on the head. You know what you must fix about yourself, and I couldn't have ever said it better myself.

 

You just need to know exactly how to go about fixing those problems. That is not the part of psychologically I necessarily specialize in. So I would suggest seeing someone more knowledgeable than me. (A.k.a., your local psychologist).

 

But no of course you're not goofy looking. I was never calling you that and I never would. I wouldn't call anyone here that. Ever

[sb129]

 

But no of course you're not goofy looking. I was never calling you that and I never would. I wouldn't call anyone here that. Ever

 

I would!

Have you some of those avatars out there? We got people who look like cakes, superheroes, plants, you name it.

:laugh:

[melodymatters]

I wish I could say something along my usual lines but it truly sounds as if you've been a victim and you were dealt the bad cards. I don't know how to enforce my method in this specific scenario. So I will just offer myself up with any help I can give.

 

Which unfortunately isn't much, because you've already hit all the nails on the head. You know what you must fix about yourself, and I couldn't have ever said it better myself.

 

You just need to know exactly how to go about fixing those problems. That is not the part of psychologically I necessarily specialize in. So I would suggest seeing someone more knowledgeable than me. (A.k.a., your local psychologist).

 

But no of course you're not goofy looking. I was never calling you that and I never would. I wouldn't call anyone here that. Ever

 

 

Look at the bolded points. 'Nuff said

[johan]

Look at the bolded points. 'Nuff said

 

Oh please. You could do that to anyone's post. Let our resident psychologist do his thing.

[DSM-IV Tom]

LMAO. Thank you Johan. But good God that was an awesome post by Melody, even though you could do that to anyone lol. I need to remember that technique.

 

+1 points for her.

 

But still Johan you are awesome too.

 

I have dished out criticism, so I'd sure as hell best be ready to get it back. No hard feelings here.

[D-Lish]

I see a therapist actually. I have for a while.

I enjoy going.

 

I don't lack insight. I know I am prone to quick reactions though, clearly to my own detriment.

 

I guess the conclusion I have come to is that I want to take space from this relationship to get centered. I think we are both struggling with the notion that he will soon be leaving and that means being apart for a few months. We are early on in the relationship, so maintaining a LDR is unreasonable.

 

Regardless, it's painful.

 

And I was teasing you with the funny looking stuff.

 

Thanks TBF, you're insightful as always.

I know we share some of the same experiences and issues... but I also think you are a lot further along with "getting it" than I am.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm cheering for you D! You're one of the people on LS who's going to make it. You've got brains, beauty and an inner core of strength to tap into. You've just been knocked around a few times and haven't reconnected completely with yourself. Upwards and onwards!

 

Btw, I also agree that this guy isn't going away. He's an idiot if he doesn't see what he's got.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Trialbyfire seems to be intelligent. Somewhat jaded though.

 

You, on the other hand Dlish, seem to have a more rationalized viewpoint and understanding. You have a stronger sense of insight as well as a broader ability to understand, seemingly. You haven't lost your positive side, whereas it appears Trialbyfire is ready to jump on anyone.

 

Stay positive D-Lish. Have you considered you have a lack of self esteem, though? You say you jump on yourself a lot. "Your detriment". Why do you beat yourself up so?

 

Self analyzation is dangerous if it breaks free and runs loose.

[CaliGuy]

I know Cali guy- I do need to date "men" that are able to step up to the plate.

 

So stop dating younger guys

 

I feel like a bit of an ass. I just logged into msn and checked my e-mail and he left me a few messages. He dropped his phone and its not working. He gave me his Ireland cell phone number to text him.... He also e-mailed me twice. I just hadn't checked.

 

Anyway- we chatted on msn, and I just kept it light and fun as did he.

I still feel tension though, and I still feel sick to my stomach over liking him.

 

Not ignoring the red flags- something is up still with him.

 

My best advice to you is act like he died. Seriously. Block him on MSN, get rid of his number and contact info and move on with your life. You deserve better but won't find it when you are still communicating with an ex.

 

Cheers hon

[RecordProducer]

I was never a doormat to him in any sense. Everything was completely reciprocal. He cooked for me and took me to dinner loads (always paid) and drew baths for me. I didn't go out of my way for him anymore than he did for me.

Ok, got it. I'm sorry I misunderstood your initial post. In that case, please discard my previous advice.

 

Well, he is either a jerk or doesn't want to commit to YOU or is a commitment phobe. I wouldn't ditch him yet if he was a great guy for two months straight. In any case, you should try to keep a little more distance this early in the relationship. Men like challenge. The more you keep distance the more interested her gets (and the more he respects you).

[D-Lish]

My jAYus.... I spent a whole long time banging out a great post that got lost....! 5 paragrahs totally gone....

 

TBF.... I said so much that got lost in cyber space! Lots about you and what you said....

 

Basically I am a loser... but the irish dude has now asked if I will take a 3 day weekend with him to snowboard. Do I?

 

What the Deuce.

[sb129]

Do you want to go?

 

It kinda means you can't break up with him though, huh.