that electric spark ... now what?

[bdreamer]

You know that feeling don't you? Do you remember it? Maybe you touched hands or were just close to someone you liked?

 

It feels almost electric.

 

A exhilarating feel where you can feel your heart actually beating, where you know you are ALIVE! You might feel woozy or flustered, or just have to sit down and take a rest. You know this feeling yes? Where one moment can change your life or leave you breathless?

 

I suppose its found in newer relationships, or just passing encounters that are charged with excitement.

 

I want that feeling again. I have been with my gf for 4 years and we don't have those moments anymore. It's a good relationship, but it's a bit routine these days. Sometimes rocky. There are no more electric moments no matter how much I try to make them happen, so I yield like most men do in a "good" relationship. We will just follow the routine, and be thankful there is a nice "change" once a blue moon.

 

I was fine with that, until recently...

 

Met a family friend for a drink. We talked about old times and had good laughs, at the end of the night there was a peck exchanged (closed mouth). The shock was enough to wake me up.

 

I probably crossed the line but I felt something and haven't been able to get rid of it, and have wanted more ever since. I feel like a addict looking for a fix, wanting to feel that (emotion?) again. I try to push it out of my mind and go back to my familiar routine, but find it very hard. It's been a terrible distraction for me. My mind often reeling back to that moment in time, even dreaming of it.

 

Now I am consumed in shame and guilt. I never imagined I would be so disloyal or that I would dream of "greener" pastures.... but here I am. The urge seems to be very, very strong and from a traditional stand point, I know it must be wrong. I haven't acted on any urges and still go home every night, but my mind wanders.... and that seems terribly unfair.

 

Maybe I'm a slimeball posting in a pink forum? Maybe I'm a human who has something missing and longs for that which has no description? Maybe I'm a addict just looking for a fix?

 

I feel monstrous at times, knowing that these feelings seem to beyond me. I control them for now, but the want to "feel" that again is over powering.

 

Did I choose the wrong road in life?

Is something missing?

Am I unfulfilled? Can I have this spark or do I let it go?

 

It feels shameful to fess up, to admit the truth but it's hard not talking about it, hard not sharing. Hard to keep the truth bottled up inside and repressed. When I hear of other stories where men cheat or become disloyal or find new wives or gf's I don't always think the same way anymore.

 

IE - that guy is a dirt bag. When everyone else wants to jump in and say just that, I say:

 

"Whoa, we don't know the whole story."

 

I don't defend those actions, but now more than ever I understand some of the motivation that might go on to make a man act that way. I don't side with "cheating is wrong" crowd either anymore. If the pull to feel "something" is as strong in other men like I have felt.....well then its a miracle a relationship lasts longer than 30 days.

 

I just loved that feeling. So powerful, so sweet, so hard to deny. I almost cry knowing I might spend a whole life alive never feeling that again.

 

Do we spend our time chasing it?, or go with what we have? I have never had this problem before in my life and wanted to see what you guys thought.

 

If I am a scumbag, then so be it. Life is kinda short anyway, so why not live? Tell me I'm a scumbag.

 

How do you know you chose the wrong road? Feedback/advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

bdreamer

[bdreamer]

Anyone have advice? Past experiences? Pls share, a little help would really help me out.

[lofi_tokyo]

Okay! I've got a few things to say!

 

A spark can happen for a few reasons:

1. New relationships -> Its always fun trying new things with a new partner, even if they're everyday things like the first kiss, or first time you hold hands, etc.

Eventually though, you kind of start to run out of "firsts", exploration becomes replaced with routine, and things seem less fun.

2. When it shouldn't be happening -> For example, you're dating someone all your friends hate and you have to keep it secret. Or maybe you're cheating on a spouse and get to have fun sneaking around. Theres a spark that comes from just doing something scandalous.

Once again, this kind of spark can run dry... eventually sneaking around is extraordinary, and it loses its appeal.

 

So! Where to go when your current relationship seems sparkless and you want that spark?

 

Well, first off, you COULD try doing new things with your partner. Do something you've always wanted to do with her but just have been putting on the back burner. Take a new approach to an old relationship - you may find amazing results. Its kind of awkward at first, trying to switch up dynamics in a relationship - you've gotta step out of your comfort zone sometimes, but honestly? It can lead to a whole new spark!

 

Another important thing to realize is that spark hunting is not really healthy. Because eventually, all sparks fade. If they were long and drawn out, they wouldn't feel quick and jarring like a spark! If you take that path, you are potentially setting yourself up for chasing a fleeting moment for the rest of your life - you'll always be looking for a new spark when the old ones fades, never happy with what you've got.

 

Sparks fade, but thats not a bad thing. There kind of the gateway to long lasting and very loving relationships if you and your partner are compatible. That doesn't mean you can't have fun in a long term relationship, but it does mean that kissing them may not quite have the feel that your first kiss did with them. You get the idea.

 

A final note:

Though I've warned against chasing sparks because they don't last, something to look at outside of this one little kiss you had is...

How do you feel about your relationship right now?

Are you happy in it, are you having fun. If not, can you arrange new ways to make things enjoyable?

 

If you're unhappy, then you owe it to yourself and your partner to engage her in a conversation. If you feel your problems are not fixable, then maybe a break isn't the worst thing that can happen. But be wary - I've come across many people who break up with someone because they find a new spark and get confused about their current LTR, leave for several months, then later go "wow I really miss my ex". By then though, the damage is done, and its hard to go back.

 

Thats my long reply to your long post! I hope it helped!