Confoozed Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 I said I'd keep posting...if only for your entertainment and to give you more opportunity to give me a kick. And give me a kick you will. Or many of you will. Today, these last couple days actually, seem clearer to me. Oh yes, I'm still confused, still not quite sure what I want. Not for sure. But I've felt a calm these last couple of days that I haven't felt in a very long time, not in months. Those familiar with my story know I have left my wife -- or rather she kicked me out, I guess, after giving me a number of chances to smarten up and quit with the OW. Problem is I love the OW, plain and simple. And the calmness I'm feeling seems to me to be an understanding that I did indeed go back to her the last time for the kids, for the familiar, for the whole package...but not for her. I've described her before as an amazing woman, the likes of which should make any guy happy. Only I guess I wanted more...or different. I guess I really did want the OW. Long story short, I'm closer to knowing what I want. Or at least I'm closer to knowing I have to let my wife go and find someone truly deserving of her and her boundless love. Closer to knowing that that life is done for me and deciding what I want my next one to look like. I'm moving into my own place right away and soon will settle into life on my own to try to figure out what's up with me. Who am I? Am I really the selfish, narcissistic arsehole many of you believe? And what do I really want out of life? Odds are I'll go NC with the OW for the time it takes me to figure things out, to understand my feelings and desires. I'll probably also go NC with my wife other than necessary communication related to the kids and other logistics. I'll keep posting here to let you know how it goes. Those who feel inclined to take potshots, have at 'er. Those who feel inclined to share their thoughts and insights with me, I welcome them. Can there be long-term happiness with another woman? Stay tuned. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 I said I'd keep posting...if only for your entertainment and to give you more opportunity to give me a kick. Then allow me to get in the first kick. I'll probably also go NC with my wife other than necessary communication related to the kids and other logistics. I'd wager that you don't go any extended period of time without talking to both her and the OW. You strike me as someone who wants to control the situation, even from your separated outpost... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
tft Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 Hi Confuzed, I've been following your other thread and understand (as a OW with a SM) the ups and downs you are going through. My MM (now SM) left his M 10 months ago. And he has gone through numerous ups and downs since then, questioning his decision. And he insisted he didn't need time on his own, and we went through the rollercoaster together. Your emotions, and mind set seem to vary on a day by day basis. I'd strongly recommend that you do the N/LC with both your wife and OW, and not confuse the situation with either whilst you are unsure. My SM and I are now reconciled after 4 weeks LC (9 months into his separation) He needed time on his own to decide where he wanted to be, and why. Our new relationship is very much strained by the fact I was with him all the way through the rollercoaster, whilst he was undecided. He is now 100% sure, in his words, that the relationship he want to be in is with me. Take some time for yourself, and make the decision for YOU. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
81West Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 The roller coaster of emotions is normal. The flailing around and acting on them is not. Less than forty eight hours ago, and apparently overlapping your last couple of days of new "clarity", you dangled future reconciliation with a humbled and changed man in front of your humiliated and emotionally battered wife. That's just f*cking gross. I've got emapthy for all kinds of people, on all sides of all kinds of situations. There have been exactly two people on all of Loveshack over the almost two years I have been here who have infuriated me. You are one of them. The degree to which you indulge yourself at the expense of others is obscene, and you remain completely oblivious. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 Stick with the counselling and leave the OW alone until you're divorced. This way IF you two have a chance, atleast it'll start off on a better foot. No need to involve her in your life before you D. In time, something you may want to consider is doing marriage counselling with your wife, even if you end up divorcing. You both need to co-parent together and she'll always be a part of your life because of the kids, so you both should be civil and respectful FOR the kids sake. Link to post Share on other sites
Karma24 Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 The roller coaster of emotions is normal. The flailing around and acting on them is not. Less than forty eight hours ago, and apparently overlapping your last couple of days of new "clarity", you dangled future reconciliation with a humbled and changed man in front of your humiliated and emotionally battered wife. That's just f*cking gross. I've got emapthy for all kinds of people, on all sides of all kinds of situations. There have been exactly two people on all of Loveshack over the almost two years I have been here who have infuriated me. You are one of them. The degree to which you indulge yourself at the expense of others is obscene, and you remain completely oblivious. Seriously. And what is up with this cutesy play on "confused" and then speaking in the third person? Really now. A supposed grown man doing this? You really are a pain in the ass. I pity your poor wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Mino Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 Stick with the counselling and leave the OW alone until you're divorced. This way IF you two have a chance, atleast it'll start off on a better foot. No need to involve her in your life before you D. In time, something you may want to consider is doing marriage counselling with your wife, even if you end up divorcing. You both need to co-parent together and she'll always be a part of your life because of the kids, so you both should be civil and respectful FOR the kids sake. great advice, wwisup.. They do need to go to mc, to also end M, This way they can hopefully remain friends to co parent. Also putting ow through your ups and downs is not fair to her either. If you continue on this pth of being wishy washy, you will end up losing her too.... Take time to ajust to your new single life... go through your healing, also figure out WHY you cheated to begin with... fix that inside you, and maybe in 6 months to a year you can reconnect with the ow, if it was really love like you said... it will still be there later... If not, you can now find another partner and hopefully create a "healthy R, good luck and congradulations it sounds like you are slowly coming to your senses... Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 I am with Mr Lucky on this one. Although I don't call mine a kick...I just think it is a prediction. The question in my mind is...do you need to go NC with either one to get your life straight? Will being with the OW actually be good because you will realize what she is...good or bad? Will talking with the wife make HER realize what you really are? Who knows? One thing I do know is that you must not be in a committed relationship with either. But I do not think this extends to NC. IMO all this does is leave you open to another woman while you are trying to get your life on track. And should we then say you must become celibate? (Of course, some will say yes to that one. ) Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 Told ya. You don't cheat on someone and then try to convince everyone that you were in the perfect marriage. I just wasn't buying it. I think it's perfect that you're getting your own place. That's the first thing you've done right in all this mess. As far as the OW, I hope you will at least explain to her that you're just extremely confused and need some time to yourself right now. This NC thing seems extreme to me but if you need to screw up a few more things before you get it right, then carry on bro. Do whatever it takes to get your head screwed on straight. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 When you speak to your wife hold nothing back by also including the new personality disorder you've embraced unto your primary personna to which you fully intend to maintain and enjoy for the duration of your life, narcissism. Furthermore, reveal that it is because of your new outlook on life that you feel entitled to do as you please regardless of the feelings of anyone around you which shall include her (your wife), your children, extended family, friends, and associates for you and love of yourself shall forevermore comes first and foremost in your agenda from here on out. Finally, tell her you will save all the malarky about wishing her well and hoping that she finds someone worthy of her love for she is no longer of any consequence to you as your narcissism doesn't allow you to expend your precious feelings on anyone you deem unfit to maintain your close company! Do not give yourself any opportunity to sugercoat your true nature by looking like anything other than what you've become for, in doing so, that will not give your wife the proper perspective she needs in order to detach from you, begin her healing, and move forward with her life. Failing to do so will only exasperate her own feelings of failure and confusion in keeping her marriage intact and retard her efforts to revitalize her own strength and dignity to rise unto the woman she once was before you embarked upon your journey of self discovery. Play your cards in this manner and you'll be surprised at the fire, spit, and vinegar that you'll inspire within her once the shock wears off which shall be the impetus of her motivation to move aggressively with divorce on her own behalf. I am not posting this opinion to be harsh or derisive but only to allow you to give your wife a true snapshot of the man and marriage she might mistakenly mourn in order to redirect her emotions toward self-preservation of herself and children for in your cirmcustances you must be cruel to be kind! Link to post Share on other sites
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 I think you've made a very good choice. Hopefully the divorce can be amicable and uncontested to hasten the process. That will allow you to embark on your new life and your wife to start picking up the peices of her. I hope you will let her know ASAP so that there are no false hopes for her. (Especially after that would you take me back if ...carrot you dangled in front of her) That would be the compassionate thing to do IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
joybean72 Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 Your wife kicked YOU out, yet you have to let to her go? You should have STAYED GONE rather than play these head games with her & your children! Yes...do her a favor....PLEASE! Link to post Share on other sites
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