My husband has admitted to me he is addicted to porn, but now he is saying he isn't.

[Red2003]

Hi,

I hoping that guys that have been in the situation my husband is in now can give me some advice. My husband has admitted to me he is addicted to porn, but now he is saying he isn't. I'm hurting so bad, I want to leave him, but also want to help him. I love this man with every breath in my lungs, but being rejected by him is torturing my soul. I really try not to press the issue, because it pushes him away. Just recently for our anniversary, I dressed up like a goddess and wanted to have sex with him, but he turned me down. He told me he was to tired, so I went into my computer room to browse the net, and when I went into my history folder looking for a website I wanted to go to, I found tons of porn from that day. We talked about it the next day and he admitted that he did masturbate (which I see as normal), and that’s why he lied to me and told me he was tired. I have begged him to watch porn with me, but he refuses to. When he admitted to being addicted to porn, he told me he looks at it almost everyday, well we only have sex maybe 3 times a month. There was also a time when I was waiting for him to get home, I was all sexy looking waiting for him on the bed, as soon as he walked in the door he came over to the bed and kissed me, and said I'm to tired to have sex. Well, I understood, and he went to do some work outside. The phone rang and startled me (I was nearly asleep), I then went outside to be near him and I found him in the shed over a magazine masturbating. Now, I'm 20 lbs. heavier than I want to be, but I'm very beautiful, and extremely sexy, I have a size D chest, so why doesn't he want me, rather than masturbating while looking at something he cant touch? He is jealous of me, and gets mad when his friends make comments about me or to me, he says I dress to sexy. I thought I could help (wean him) with the problem, by sexually satisfying him in anyway he wanted (If he wanted a porn star, I was going to be one just for him). When I say I went to extremes, I prided myself on doing whatever it took turn him on. I feel so neglected, and lonely I have thought about having affair, but I love him to much, and the idea of another man having his hands on me makes me feel like trash. I've been crying so much, my eyes hurt, of course he I don't let him see me cry because he gets mad. He also admitted to me that sometimes when we have sex he fantasies about having sex with a porn star, that hurt soooo bad. Can someone please help me to understand him, before I do leave him for good. Help me to look at this in a different perspective, so I can find a way to cope with feeling like I'm just not enough, and like something is wrong with me.

 

I don't know how to tone this down, and I apologize, but I this my only way of saying how I feel.

[jenny]

alright. let's sort this all out calmly. ok, we can assume that

 

a. you have no problems providing sex because of self-esteem issues or anything else, this is not a question of

denial.

b. there is something about porn that he is enjoying to the detriment of your relationship.

c. he is addicted to it and has admitted as much.

d. you feel unsatisfied and increasingly dramatic about the issue.

 

 

i think it's great you are clearly ready to go! i can only give you suggestions for yourself, as a woman, since it's difficult to even influence the actions of others, and too frustrating to try.

 

1. what the porn women are offering him has nothing to do with beauty. they are offering sex and fun without emotion and thought. its release rather than responsibility.

 

2. you might be better off viewing him as an accessory rather than the main event - it is possible he is alarmed by your intense investment in him as responsible for your erotic pleasure?

 

3. how often do you masturbate? making him less responsible makes you more responsible for your satisfaction.

 

 

i'm a huge fan of the "***women who fake, deserve to***" school of thought. he is not in charge of your orgasm. he is also not in charge of your dissatisfaction - you have to make the decision, clearly, of how much of this you will take. i'd walk without twice weekly sex, at least, but everyone has their own schedule.

 

 

i don't know the extent of your situation..i.e. kids, money, etc. but sex is an equally serious, primal, issue. an affair is not an option but divorce is. we only live once and sex. matters. a lot. try to see if he will see a therapist with you, this might alert him to the seriousness of the problem.

 

xox j

[Clancy]

First let me say, as a man, that your husband should be taken outside to the shed and whipped with a hickory branch. Any man who has such an attractive, sexy, full-bodied, woman waiting eagerly in bed for him and chooses instead to go masturbate to porn needs a serious wake-up call.

 

That said, he does have some major problems with intimacy that you, as you've already discovered, can not solve by yourself. Go get help. Get him to go to counselling with you. If he won't go I'd think about leaving him and finding a man who would appreciates what he has.

[Red2003]

Thank you both, it helps a lot just being able to talk about this issue without being yelled at.

 

jenny,

To answer you question, I masturbate about 3-4 times per month, but I'd rather being having sex with the man I love. We have both already been through counciling, well one session anyway. He played it off, and I took blame for harassing him, ........I should of left then, but did I...NO! I think I'm looking for a way to stay, but I know I need to get out, and take charge of what I want.

 

 

 

Clancy,

It is nice to hear a mans thoughts on this subject. I posted on another board, and one guy got so defensive with me, he told me women make men the way they are.......LOL I'm sure he must have been an addict himself, still in denial. I'm so glad to know there are still men out there that prefer skin, to paper! I was getting so lost in all this self pity, I was starting to believe that maybe all men are like him, they could just hide it better.

 

 

Thanks Again,

Red2003

[LadyJ]

I think there is definately a problem when someone prefers porn over a flesh and blood human being.... Porn addiction is a real problem that effects many people. I am not anti-porn but I do think that a lot of it portrays sex and women in very unrealistic and sometimes disturbing ways. I would be concerned with what kind of porn he is looking at too. If it is something that you find disturbing then you need to think about it. People addicted to porn are different then people who just enjoy is on occasion. I have always found people addicted to porn to be somewhat creepy... No offense....

[Red2003]

I know what you mean. I'm doing so much better, thanks to a friend that is helping me, but it scares me in that sense.

 

:)Red 2003:)

[sweetie]

I started dating this guy almost 4 years ago and I never had a problem with him looking at porn. He never made a big deal about it in front of me, but after I had my daughter thats all he looks at and he goes out to strip clubs and talks about hooking up with all these girls. I'm at a point where I want to get rid of him, but I'm so in love with him that I don't want to lose him. I even thrown away some of his porn magazines and he gets so mad at me and threatens to break up with me. He keeps all of his magazines and he leaves them out in front of everyone. I've tried to stop getting mad at him, but I can't help it. The magazines really make me mad. I feel like he isn't happy with me and he wants to cheet on me. I've said that to him and he tells me I'm crazy, I don't know what to do.

[lady_vampiress2003]

Pornography is as addictive as alcohol, drugs and nicotine. It causes actual changes to brain chemicals in the same way that cocaine does. It will not stop by itself. Just like addictive substances, you will need more and harder porn to keep the brain chemicals at the same level. Your husband needs to admit to himself first of all he has a serious problem which is not only affecting his relationship with u but he is also hurting u mentally, by being addicted to it as if it was a drug putting it b4 u, ignoring all ur needs for his affections, sex and attention and even romantic acts such a romantic dinners/baths on a regualr basis with u, which is esstential to keep ur relationship health and happy. so u need to communicate this to him and tell him everything ur feeling, and how its hurting u and effecting ur relationship and closeness and openesswith him since he is obviously lying to u and holding back things from u which is in effect lying and keeping secrets which is not only destructive for him cos his feeling ashamed and guity about it which affects ur closeness and communication with him, but also hurts u cos his lying to u which is destructive for a marriage. u need to for one make him see what his doing his hurting ur marriage and u and if he carried on lying to u and avoiding being intimate with u in everyway possible that u will get a divorce or atleast separate from him till he gets his act together, commuicate this to them not leaving things out, and make him see this isnt something small its hurting u and u feel not only neglected but unattractive and not good enough for him. what u need to also do to get things back on track is 2)see a councillor/therapist together and separatly to get the help he desperatly needs. 3)go to a church if ur a christian and start attending sermons/church atleast once a week this will help to bring god in ur life and help in getting rid of any spritual issues he has with this porn and his addiction to it usually is spritual as well as physical. 4)spend intimate time together just the two of u with out the kids. Whever its going out to a party, restaurant, making a romantic gesture such as make a dinner/bath bath together for u both under candle light, these are good romantic getures, going out, open communication and haveing fun together are very important in order to keep ur relationship healthy and stable otherwise u wont have that closeness, intimacy and attention to ur needs which u are obviously lacking. here are some sites I looked up which may help u and to help ur husband get pass this addiction, http://www.firesofdarkness.com/index.htm,

 

http://www.firesofdarkness.com/This...of_the_Wall.htm

http://www.firesofdarkness.com/Prayer.htm

http://www.firesofdarkness.com/DearHearts2.htm

http://www.no-porn.com/breaking.html

http://www.sexualintegrity.org/addiction/

http://www.pureintimacy.org/online1/

[LILMAMA]

NEED HELP IN DECIDING TO LEAVE MY HUSBAND FOR PORN I FOUND ON INTERNET IT HURT SO BAD LIKE HE CHEATED ON ME AND CANT EVEN LOOK AT HIM I AM A VERY BEAUTIFUL GIRL WHO TAKES CARE OF MYSELF PHYSICALY I FEEL BETRAYED LIKE GIVING UP WOMEN I TALK TO THINK ITS OK I THOUGHT I WAS ENOUGH AND HE IS MILITARY WHICH MAKES ME THINK MAYBE HE MAY BE CHEATING AWAY FROM HOME QUESTION ARE ME AND MYY 2 KIDS BETTER OFF OR SHOULD I LOOKE PAST IT

[mtre20]

Quote

 

"NEED HELP IN DECIDING TO LEAVE MY HUSBAND FOR PORN I FOUND ON INTERNET IT HURT SO BAD LIKE HE CHEATED ON ME AND CANT EVEN LOOK AT HIM I AM A VERY BEAUTIFUL GIRL "

 

 

Are you serious?? You are considering leaving your husband because you found porn on the computer. Let me ask you this? Do you censor everything he can see. Can he watch rated R movies. Can he drink alcohol without your permission.

 

So your going to leave him and then freak, when the new guy your with has a playboy under his bed. I have been happily married for eight years and I enjoy looking at porn. My wife (who is very open sexually with me ) has absolutely No problem with it. She is a very beautiful women who gets looks wherever she goes. Yea that is right I am free to look at as much or as little as I like without any problem in our marriage. I do not cheat nor have any desire to cheat. I just love women and I like to look at them, big deal. I don't spend all day doing it but look whenever I want none the less. You see I am my own person who chooses sometimes to engage in the harmless activity of enjoying porn. I am also a responsible person who leads a very busy and productive life. I think you should reconsider the seriousness of the activity before you make such a drastic choice.

[Carolina56]

Clancy has it together - I liked his response. mtre20 - if you are so happily married why are you on this website posting responses to this? I'd like to talk to your wife personally and see how "ok" she is with your porn magazines.

 

Red2003 - I just divorced my husband and just one of the reasons why was his hardcore porn magazines he kept buying to jack off to. (There were other more serious issues - I didn't just divorce him over porn mags).

 

I too am open sexually and was willing to please him - problem was I was being ignored, neglected, our sex life was so dull and boring no matter how much I tried to initiate spice into it. I truly felt he preferred his High Society and Swank magazines to real sex with a real woman (me).

 

I asked him to keep those magazines out of the house and he agreed at first. Then when we had some problems he ran out and bought them and a bottle of KY Jelly - picturing him sitting on the toilet jacking off to these magazines turned me off. I wasn't being satisfied or fulfilled - then I just got disgusted and turned off.

 

I divorced his sorry ass because of his self absorbed narcisstic ways - plus if I'm going to masturbate I might as well be single. He didn't seem to want to share porn with me or masturbate together.

 

The day I left I took out his porn mags, layed them on his pillow with his KY Jelly and wrote a note "Here honey - have at it!". I left him in search of a man who won't waste all his energy boppin' his baloney, and instead will pleasure and please me. In one of those magazines was a guy with a huge hard-on. I wrote an inscription next to it that said "Now that's impressive - if you could have made yours do this I wouldn't have had to fake it all that time!". (I was pissed and had to sneak that in).

 

Until men realize how detrimental this is to their relationships - the wives and girlfriends will be increasing the divorce rate.

 

I don't care what anyone says about porn - it's either a dealbreaker in your relationship or you're cool with it. Men who can look at porn then turn that energy on to their wives I have no problem with. It's the men who screw up their relationships by thinking it isn't harmful to anyone and who don't respect their wives enough to keep them sexually satisfied - that's a problem!

 

If a man isn't sexually satisfied he whines and bitches about it. But if a woman complains and turns elsewhere for intimacy - they're considered hussies. I think more and more women will be doing the cheating and leaving and men should wake up.

 

I love men - I just think it's wrong when a man turns to other women for sex (I don't care if it's magazines, videos, chatrooms or affairs) - it's CHEATING!

 

Red - you go girl - you deserve a better man. Although they say "All the good ones are married - so are alot of the bad ones!"

 

There are plenty of men who would kill for women like us who are willing to do anything sexually to please our man - there are men who are respectful and kind who take marriage seriously and who stopped whacking off to porn after they matured. Someone on here said 80% of all men look at porn and the other 20% lie about it.

 

Not true. My first husband (who passed away) never brought porn into the house and never cared to look at it. He truly loved me and respected me. My second husband (whom I just divorced) will live life as a lonely guy - sitting at home alone jacking off to his porn magazines and watching commercials of Girls Gone Wild.

 

One tidbit to add here - my husband had two previous wives who left him for other men. I was his third wife and I said adios as well.

 

Now someone tell me porn isn't a problem in a marriage.

[mtre20]

Quote

 

"I divorced his sorry ass because of his self absorbed narcisstic ways "

 

 

 

By the tone of your post it sounds more like you are the sorry one.

You are an angry and bitter person (even hateful) and it comes through. We are only hearing one side of the story and you sound like a control freak.

 

By the way if you must know, I am online because I broke my leg mountainbiking and I am layed up for 6 weeks and am bored, really nothing more.

[mtre20]

Carolina56

 

You have serious phsycologicial issues that would make it impossible to have a normal sex life (probably co-Dependant) or you are 300 lbs and your husband had no choice but to take care of himself without having sex with you.

 

It is a fact people embelish online. So if you say you are 20 lbs overweight, you are more likley 50 lbs.

 

If your husband was already divorced twice when you met him, wouldn't you already be suspicious about what kind of a person he was. It sounds like you have plenty of your issues to work out of your own.

 

Remember, not everyone who views porn hides and jacks off, some just enjoy viewing it. It might even give them ideas to implement into their own sex life.

[WomenAreNuts]

Originally posted by Carolina56

Clancy has it together - I liked his response. mtre20 - if you are so happily married why are you on this website posting responses to this? I'd like to talk to your wife personally and see how "ok" she is with your porn magazines.

 

Red2003 - I just divorced my husband and just one of the reasons why was his hardcore porn magazines he kept buying to jack off to. (There were other more serious issues - I didn't just divorce him over porn mags).

 

I too am open sexually and was willing to please him - problem was I was being ignored, neglected, our sex life was so dull and boring no matter how much I tried to initiate spice into it. I truly felt he preferred his High Society and Swank magazines to real sex with a real woman (me).

 

I asked him to keep those magazines out of the house and he agreed at first. Then when we had some problems he ran out and bought them and a bottle of KY Jelly - picturing him sitting on the toilet jacking off to these magazines turned me off. I wasn't being satisfied or fulfilled - then I just got disgusted and turned off.

 

I divorced his sorry ass because of his self absorbed narcisstic ways - plus if I'm going to masturbate I might as well be single. He didn't seem to want to share porn with me or masturbate together.

 

The day I left I took out his porn mags, layed them on his pillow with his KY Jelly and wrote a note "Here honey - have at it!". I left him in search of a man who won't waste all his energy boppin' his baloney, and instead will pleasure and please me. In one of those magazines was a guy with a huge hard-on. I wrote an inscription next to it that said "Now that's impressive - if you could have made yours do this I wouldn't have had to fake it all that time!". (I was pissed and had to sneak that in).

 

 

You sound ridiculous. Your ex is the luckiest man alive for not having to deal with your bs. "I divorced his sorry ass"...nice use of language. You are the reason that the divorce rate in the US is over 50 percent. How can you talk so much smack about someone that you once loved? You really need to find a way to get all of your hatred out besides sh#t talking on your ex husband on a website. "Now that's impressive" now you insult his manhood? You are truly sad and desperate. What kind of a woman would leave a note like that when ending a marriage. How old are you?

[spencer]

carolina56,

 

i would have divorced his sorry a** too.

 

and to the p.o.'d guys ...i think that comment in the mag was pretty funny.

its a small thing (oop's no pun intended) to do when someone has repeatedly neglected and humilated you.

[swimlab]

mmm....I am thinking. I am thinking that I am a coward in that I don't leave my abusive husband. He uses porn and sneaks around. We have been married for going on 8 years and it still makes me sad inside. I am by far not ugly nor overweight. I am smart and funny and very articulate. I am also a mom of three children, 6, 5, and 3. Our relationship is very hostile. My husband isn't physical he's just emotionally abusive. I am the invisible woman. He ignores me and never likes to just talk....ever...I have lost my entire identity to this person. I feel so alone and isolated. I almost feel that I am in solitary confinement and also that I have lost the knack of talking and communicating with other people.

 

I ask myself why I tolerate this man. I worry about the example I am setting for my children. I worry that my daughters will marry someone like him and I will feel sick inside for staying with him. However, I am not sure of what is worse, them going through a divorce or me sacraficing myself so that they won't have to feel the pain of divorce.

 

The part that stresses me out is his sneaking around. This causes me great stress. Our porno bill from the tv has been over $300. The other day I went to bring him lunch at work and figured he went home and I came home with my kids and he was busted getting dressed in the closet with his computer on. It didn't take me long to figure out what was going on. Then he was sooooo nice...talking small talk with me asking me things he doesn't usually ask.

 

My husband prefers this over us being together. He is mean and cruel and he's very difficult to live with. The only thing I have going is that I started my own company and if I can survive on my own I am gone.

 

The worst part is that I still love him. I always will but I know that I love myself more and this relationship is killing me. I am always mad at him. Also, when I am mad I can't be the loving mom I want to be. I think by writing this, I know what I have to do. Porn is my husband's vice and unfortunately it's not what I wanted nor is it who I want to be. Remember when you got married and the father says "you two shall become one?" Well, I don't want to be one with him. It's disgusting and dishonest and shameful.

 

If you think porn is no big deal, think about my kids....the pain they are going to feel when we live seperately. Don't tell me to go to counseling. I have been with him there and the Dr. told my husband he has serious issues to work out and to meet with him and my husband refused.

 

Nothing can be worse than living with him. Being alone is better than being lonely and together.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Olivia_19742004]

Red2003

 

I wouldn't suggest having an affair. This will only make you feel guilty and when/if the time comes for you to leave you'll second guess your decision and begin to feel like you're the one that let the marriage fail because you let another man into your life. There will be time for another man after/if you end the marriage.

 

You stated you've already gone to therapy but after only one session it hasn't helped the problem and now your husband claims he isn't addicted to porn however I didn't see where you had an ultimatum if he didn't go to therapy. Have you ever told him that you will leave if he doesn't recognize the pain he's continued to inflict on you and seriously seek help for his addiction? If your husband isn't faced with losing anything then what is his incentive to change? I know in a perfect world we would want the man we love to make this attempt on his own simply based on the pain and suffering he has put you through but unfortunately the behavior that he is exhibiting makes it very difficult for him to even see the pain he's caused.

 

You need to turn his world upside down. Maybe in the back of your mind you haven't truly decided that you want to divorce but for now he doesn't need know that. Sit him down and tell him that life has to change. Give him ultimatums and a time line and if he doesn't comply then it's time you leave. Separation could be good for both of you. You'd be able to find your inner strength if the time came to completely walk away and he may realize when you're no longer there at night when he comes home that you really are the most important part of his life.

 

Your life is not too different from mine. I wish you the best and I truly understand the pain you're feeling.