my story

[desertmoon]

I originally posted this on another thread (Lorenzo's) but Athena asked me if I could start a new thread...so I have copied and pasted what I posted before and attempt to respond to Athena's questions.

 

"My husband is a cheat..The first time I found out, I had a nervous breakdown---6 months I was out of it---heavily medicated, a mere shadow of my former self. You see, I insisted on marrying this guy against my parent's wishes--and I was too humiliated to let anyone know. I couldn't even tell the psychiatrist what was wrong. One day I snapped back to life---and from then on, I wondered, schemed, plotted, planned to get back at him by cheating on him---I had plenty of opportunities but I never could do it---my husband taunted me, told me to go ahead do it, "i know you can't "-those were his words--15 years and several affairs (my husband's ) later,when I have resigned myself to the fact that I am incapable of it, I met this married lawyer--cosmopolitan, well-dressed, successful, and who aggressively pursued me, I succumbed to a relationship outside of my marriage.

 

I have been with this man for three years. I am happy with him. Our marriages are intact. Nobody is threatening divorce. I know I am not in this relationship because I want to hurt my husband--I think I have a better understanding of why people cheat...maybe it is a tremendous pressure to put on anybody to be loyal to one person...maybe it is impossible to complete another...I don't know..."

[sweetbrokensoul]

so u are still with your husband "the cheat"? If you are not happy, then why are you still with him?

[desertmoon]

Athena:Why should it be a mess like Lorenzo's? Your H has cheated several times, right? Serves him right (and yes, I know you didn't do it to punish him, but you certainly gave yourself the go-ahead)

 

Well, nobody wins in the end...I am just making the most of the time that I am happy....Yes, my husband cheated many times...his reason? "they are just playthings, YOU (meaning , me) are the love of my life"..(haha)...the bad thing about his first infidelity was that something died inside of me and I could not bring myself to be intimate with him(thus, his excuse for the subsequent affairs)--it's about forgiveness and forgetting--both of which apparently I am incapable of--he refuses MC--"those people are quacks"---I am too embarassed to leave the marriage. My family is Asian, very traditional--it took years for them to forgive me for eloping with this man..I can't crawl back--ironic, that by the time they took me back in, the marriage, per se, was already over...

 

How do you think your H would react? Clearly, you have forgiven him his affairs over and over, right?

So -- would he forgive you your affair, or would he cut you out of his life?

 

I think my husband would be very upset, but he won't let me go. He would probably tell my family and they would disown me yet again....

 

How do you get away with it? I mean -- keep it secret?! The unexplained absences, the emotional distancing from him --?

 

Since my husband believes I am incapable of it--he never checks my cell phone, my bank account, credit cards---I am never gone for long periods of time. I do not see the other man all the time...once or twice a month--but we talk/text/email a lot everyday--it is more like an emotional affair than a sexual one..nonetheless, an affair. Many times I meet him in different cities--many of his clients are from out of state---I tell my husband, I am visiting my family(they live in a different state)--he never calls my family to check--I go meet OM and then go to my see my familiy a day later. My husband is also gone a lot. He doesn't wonder about the "emotional distance"--he lost my heart long time ago....but he doesn't care..he wants to have me around...I look good on papaer, i think....

[Athena]

the bad thing about his first infidelity was that something died inside of me and I could not bring myself to be intimate with him(thus, his excuse for the subsequent affairs)--it's about forgiveness and forgetting--both of which apparently I am incapable of

 

So -- are you STILL not sexually intimate with your husband?

 

--I am too embarassed to leave the marriage. My family is Asian, very traditional--it took years for them to forgive me for eloping with this man..I can't crawl back--ironic, that by the time they took me back in, the marriage, per se, was already over...

 

You might be surprised at your family's protection of you, especially if they find out that your H is a SERIAL CHEATER.... do you honestly think your family wants you to be with him still, even if they did finally accept him? Who knows, perhaps you will find someone that your family will love too!

 

Do you think you might be involved with this other man as a sort of psychological 'preparation' to leave your H one day? Might this be an 'exit affair'?

 

And --- about the OM, how do you know that he doesn't have another OW too? Since you two only get together twice a month, it's not like you would find out....

[travelgirl]

So you think this will continue forever? There are a few scenarios that could play out here in the future:

 

1. Your husband finds out, tells your family and they disown you.

 

2. Your MM's wife finds out, he leaves you high and dry because she (not you) looks good on paper. Most likely the wife will contact your husband, who will then tell your family and they disown you.

 

3. Someone else finds out about it and contacts your H and his W. Again, he will contact your family and they will disown you.

 

4. No one finds out but MM gets bored, finds another mistress and leaves you high and dry. You have another nervous breakdown

 

5. No one finds out and MM continues to use you, so your happiness is only 1-2 visits a month for the rest of your life. You will eventually have another nervous breakdown

 

6. You could come to your senses and leave your husband and start a new life. Will your family disown you? Who knows but I am willing to bet they would be LESS angry/embarrassed if you admitted they were right, you made a mistake in marrying him, then them finding out their daughter is an adulterer and a liar.

 

 

Unless you plan on living in a loveless marriage forever and only hoping for those 1-2x a month visits with a MM who at the end of the day, you are not his #1 priority but just a toy - then this will NOT work out for you. Something has gotta give here. Take the leap of faith, get a backbone and move on with a life you can respect yourself and be truly happy in - regardless if your family is in it or not.

[Diamonds&Rust]

You might be surprised at your family's protection of you, especially if they find out that your H is a SERIAL CHEATER.... do you honestly think your family wants you to be with him still, even if they did finally accept him? Who knows, perhaps you will find someone that your family will love too!

 

Not all cultures view marriage as a union based on love & commitment. Marriage has been for most of human history an economic arrangement.

 

Of course, a majority of families worldwide love their daughters, but certain cultures see that love manifest itself as something Americans would find less-than-supportive. The most positive and accessible way to spin it is to say that they believe they know what's best for their daughter no matter what.

 

Keep in mind, for example, that infanticide still regularly occurs in rural China, almost always with female victims. It would be simplistic (though distinctly American) to say "Oh, well Chinese people are monsters then," instead of attempting to understand what it really means to be a woman in Asian culture.

 

I really don't want to get into stereotyping, and I'm not interested in counterexamples. But if OP were to say something like "No, you don't understand," to the why-don't-you-just-talk-to-them argument, I would understand fully.

[theBrokenMuse]

When it comes down to the choice between the approval of extended family or sanity, I'd choose sanity.

[sweetbrokensoul]

So you think this will continue forever? There are a few scenarios that could play out here in the future:

 

1. Your husband finds out, tells your family and they disown you.

 

2. Your MM's wife finds out, he leaves you high and dry because she (not you) looks good on paper. Most likely the wife will contact your husband, who will then tell your family and they disown you.

 

3. Someone else finds out about it and contacts your H and his W. Again, he will contact your family and they will disown you.

 

4. No one finds out but MM gets bored, finds another mistress and leaves you high and dry. You have another nervous breakdown

 

5. No one finds out and MM continues to use you, so your happiness is only 1-2 visits a month for the rest of your life. You will eventually have another nervous breakdown

 

6. You could come to your senses and leave your husband and start a new life. Will your family disown you? Who knows but I am willing to bet they would be LESS angry/embarrassed if you admitted they were right, you made a mistake in marrying him, then them finding out their daughter is an adulterer and a liar.

 

 

Unless you plan on living in a loveless marriage forever and only hoping for those 1-2x a month visits with a MM who at the end of the day, you are not his #1 priority but just a toy - then this will NOT work out for you. Something has gotta give here. Take the leap of faith, get a backbone and move on with a life you can respect yourself and be truly happy in - regardless if your family is in it or not.

 

Nicely said travelgirl!!!! I agree wholeheartedly!

[desertmoon]

albeit, not a wonderful marriage---we do not have screaming matches---we are friendly, for the most part..

 

Sex in the marriage? yes, few times, when he forces himself to me---and I lay there thinking..."go ahead do what you want, you do not have my heart..." is it intimate and sweet and loving? no.....and thank goodness, it is rare that he takes what he thinks is his..!

 

OM and I had an agreement, before we even started this--and the agreement was that it is his responsibility to make sure his wife does not find out--that it is his responsibility to make sure that he protects her from this...and that if she finds out I am out!

 

I guess there is a big possibility that OM might have OW's. What I do not know does not exist. Ignorance is indeed bliss..I know I am going to get flamed for this statement....

 

I would like to point out that I never initiate communication with the OM--he does that and begs to see me more often than I am comfortable with---it is a sore subject between us...he wants me to leave my H--but I do not want him to leave his W...nor do I want to leave my H. Too much explaining to do to the family....and I am used to the ways of my H.

 

Do I think I deserve a better H? not necessarily..I think I have learned to roll with the punches, so to speak...and make the best of it....

 

OM thinks I am not passionate about anything....maybe not...I don't know...it is an issue to him that I do not ask him when I will see him again...I know my parameters....i know who and what I am to him....even though, he disagrees with it...

 

I used to cook, clean, run my husband's bath, etc like a well-trained, dutiful, traditional, Japanese wife...I don't do any of that anymore...is life good? I don't know....i know it isn't bad....I know that when I am with the OM, I am happy...or at least, I think I am happy....

[Athena]

Interesting.

 

I do understand your position. I just don't know how much of a life you are allowing yourself.

 

Do you believe your husband still cheats on you?

 

And do you work to keep yourself busy, financially independent?

[desertmoon]

If H tells my family, I will tell my family about his past and perhaps present activities ....if he doesn't want to have me in his life...he can do that....so I lose my family (but maybe not, once they know about him) but he will definitely lose me....however, my family is highly reactive.....and extreme....honor and dignity and all that stuff.....when sometimes all one wants is to survive....to breathe...to be given a break....

 

Nobody is in any position to make demands from me....not H not OM...and I do not make demands....I am just here...I give what I am willing to give---i realized that life is nothing but economics---supply and demand....if you are too available, you lose your value....

[desertmoon]

Interesting.

 

I do understand your position. I just don't know how much of a life you are allowing yourself.

 

Do you believe your husband still cheats on you?

 

And do you work to keep yourself busy, financially independent?

 

I don't know if my H still cheats...I pretty sure he has someone.. No reason for him to stop all of a sudden...I have stopped snooping (so degrading) long time ago....I was a stay-at-home wife for the first 8 years of our marriage-his decision/preference....but no more....I am very gainfully employed...

 

Funny, one of his threats was to ask alimony if I ever divorce him...

[signedin2008]

Are you living in Japan or America?

 

Is your OM Japanese also?

 

Do you have kids? Does the OM have kids?

 

Aren't you scared getting STDs from your H's activities outside of the marriage or your OM's other women?

[desertmoon]

Are you living in Japan or America?

 

Is your OM Japanese also?

 

Do you have kids? Does the OM have kids?

 

Aren't you scared getting STDs from your H's activities outside of the marriage or your OM's other women?

 

I am American , of Japanese descent...My husband is American, of Italian descent. The OM is Caucasian, American.

 

We have one child. She is 16-a beautiful, straight-A student. The OM has two sons-16 and 10.

 

Of course I am worried about STD's, who wouldnt be? MY H is the first man I have ever slept with and I married him-OM is the second. I was 18 when I met H. I am now 36. H is 42, OM is 47. My H uses protection when he forces himself on me-(once or twice a year)-it is a requirement. I am not on birth control and certainly do not want another child. OM uses protection, too...also a requirement.

 

The OM has other women? how did YOU know that?

[desertmoon]

Man, what a nauseating scenario.

 

Really? are you gagging? What about my story is so "nauseating"? Nobody can tell me how painful it is to be betrayed..how humiliating it is to fight for something and in the end realize that prize was worth nothing! I know you will ask...so why are you doing it? knowing your OM has a wife who is just like you waiting at home---no, nobody is like me....I do not know why he is cheating on his wife...I never asked...I do not know what kind of relationship he has with his wife....

[signedin2008]

 

The OM has other women? how did YOU know that?

 

 

If he is not shy about actively persuing you and since he sees you once or twice a month, what makes you think that when another woman, or should I say women, come along during the other 28 days of the months, he won't do the samething he did with you?

 

Do you know where those lips have been the night before when he kisses you?

[desertmoon]

If he is not shy about actively persuing you and since he sees you once or twice a month, what makes you think that when another woman, or should I say women, come along during the other 28 days of the months, he won't do the samething he did with you?

 

Like I said on my previous post, he could very well have other women. I like what we have. It is more an emotional affair than a physical one. Here are some few facts:

 

1) OM wants me to leave H. He also wants to leave his W--but only if I can assure him I will be with him...how crazy is that? I don't trust any man...One betrayal is enough to last me a lifetime...why would I subject myself to another one...?

 

2) OM suggested that he sit down with my family. I almost fainted!!!! Apparently, it is to tell them that his intentions are honorable and that they should support me when I leave my H...So naive...and he is a lawyer!!! Too funny...and sad...

 

3) Nobody on my side knows OM exists--at least not that I know of. OM's firm knows I exist. His partners know. As a matter of fact, his secretary arranges our meetings. She is a 58 year old woman who thinks I should leave my H and marry OM.

 

Truth is, I have given up on relationships-marriage,men...if OM has OWs--oh well...I have never asked him to be faithful to me...it is a futile requirement from a man.....

[marazul]

Yeah, life is complicated and relationships also.

 

You live your life once. Do you think you're still young and could find LOVE again? If you don't love your husband, don't you miss that feeling?

 

The MM will not be there forever and you know you don't want to be with him. Do you know exactly what holds you to that marriage? Do not invest where it's not worth it.

 

I'm curious about how your H forces himself on you? Why do you allow that? When he's not forcing himself, do you still have sex with him?

 

Have you thought about your self-esteem? What do you think will happen when you're not with that MM anymore? Are you stable to handle the separation?

 

Just in case you divorce you should think about protecting your financial situation, maybe you make more than your husband.

 

I think you're intelligent. Think about what I asked you. It seems your family has some power over you, you're an adult, and if they care about you you should make them understand your situation in case of divorce.

 

Why, if you don't love your H, you still want to stay with him? Is love not an important feeling and state of being for you? Is there anything you wanted to find out by posting your story?

 

take care

 

***********************

Nobody belongs to nobody even if married.

[desertmoon]

Yeah, life is complicated and relationships also.

 

You live your life once. Do you think you're still young and could find LOVE again? If you don't love your husband, don't you miss that feeling?

 

I do not ask myself those questions. Do I love my husband? I care about him. I do not remember the feeling and therefore I do not miss it.

 

The MM will not be there forever and you know you don't want to be with him. Do you know exactly what holds you to that marriage? Do not invest where it's not worth it

Yes, familiarity and he is my daughter's father.

 

I'm curious about how your H forces himself on you? Why do you allow that? When he's not forcing himself, do you still have sex with him?

H follows me around and begs for it..then pins me to the bed--i could fight or just let him get it over with--I chose the latter, its quicker, easier and he feels disgusted with himself afterwards. I do not ever have sex with him at any other time or circumstance.

 

Have you thought about your self-esteem? What do you think will happen when you're not with that MM anymore? Are you stable to handle the separation?

I do not think about my self-esteem or lack thereof. I do not know what will happen when MM is gone. Yes, I think I will be able to handle the separation, I have a different value system now, than when I got married.

 

 

Just in case you divorce you should think about protecting your financial situation, maybe you make more than your husband.

I am not worried about my financial situation,in case of a divorce. I do make more than my husband--just a little bit.

 

Oh I posted my story because I was reading Lorenzo's story and responded to it...I wanted to do what he did....but it didnt turn out that way...What do I want from here? maybe understanding....that sometimes it only takes one mistake to kill the very essence of a person.....

[Reggie]

Sound like something died inside you when your H cheated. Me, too. I do not know if I will ever trust a woman , again.

But, I also would not want to be party to hurting another person like this. And, that is what you are doing to this man's spouse, most likely. Could you not have found a single man, if you were going to choose this path?

[desertmoon]

Sound like something died inside you when your H cheated. Me, too. I do not know if I will ever trust a woman , again.

But, I also would not want to be party to hurting another person like this. And, that is what you are doing to this man's spouse, most likely. Could you not have found a single man, if you were going to choose this path?

 

I possibly could have found a single man--except that I was not looking. MM found me, pursued me and for very selfish reasons I agreed to have a relationship with him. And anyway, even if i found a single man....sooner or later he will cheat.....I have yet to meet a good-looking , successful man who is or has been faithful to his wife 100% of the time....granted I do not know many...still...

[Reggie]

I possibly could have found a single man--except that I was not looking. MM found me, pursued me and for very selfish reasons I agreed to have a relationship with him. And anyway, even if i found a single man....sooner or later he will cheat.....I have yet to meet a good-looking , successful man who is or has been faithful to his wife 100% of the time....granted I do not know many...still...

 

How do you feel about his wife being hurt? Have you lost that part of yourself, as well?

[desertmoon]

How do you feel about his wife being hurt? Have you lost that part of yourself, as well?

 

Maybe. I do not think much about that. Maybe I am beyond help.....

[pelicanpreacher]

Your viewpoint on men, families, and relationships have been grossly skewed by the influence of your cultural background and its impact on how you're expected to behave in a marriage. It has forced you to assume a more submissive stance that makes you a prime target for men like your husband who are, for lack of a better description, entitlement whores. Your marriage has therefore made you easy prey to your OM's influence for he is of like mind to your husband which has retarded your ability to achieve the self-actualization you seek within yourself to stand on your own two feet. What's truly disturbing is that your self-esteem has been so damaged at this point that you've reduced your self-worth to your economic viability. Even worse is that your 16 year old daughter has been observing this her entire life and will eventually fall into the same trap of diminished self-perception to end up walking her adult life in your shoes without ever knowing that life and love could be better.

 

For the sake of yourself and daughter you must end your marriage to ensure that the cycle of your culture's patriarchial system of demeaning and destructive patronization of women stops for not only yourself but your daughter as well. As a matter of fact, it is my bet that your extended family knows more about your husband's activities than you are aware of but choose to turn a blind eye in favor of the status quo of cultrual demands so leaving the marriage and all its outmoded mantras of antiquity will assure that you will at least give yourself a chance to engage your next relationship from a position of confidence and strength instead of meek subservience which will be a lesson well learned by your daughter, don't ya think?

[desertmoon]

you have reduced me to tears....I am so tired of all these......