Author desertmoon Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 I should have listened to my own advice! "Don't feed the trolls!!!!" Doh! Well said....say that 7X every morning when you see your reflection in the mirror, then, same thing before going to bed--- good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Excuse me, but who are you again to tell me to go somewhere? What I said was "If it's approval and validation you seek, you might have to look somewhere else for it...". I'm not sure how that's telling you to go somewhere unless (again) your goal is validation. some guy who is so desperate as to pay his wife to have sex with him? Yep, that was a role playing scenario that I posted here a couple of years ago that my wife and I did to address some issues in our relationship. It's a form of working on one's marriage, quite different from cheating on one's spouse with an MM cheating on his spouse. Might not work for you but there are many other (more conventional) suggestions on the forums here to improve your marriage. I just live my life one day at a time. And it's worked so well for you. Has it brought you happiness? Are you proud of what you're doing? I have a hard time believing that this is the life you hoped for. Maybe I'm wrong... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Approval and Validation from a virtual community????? are you out of your mind? repeat after me....V-I-R-T-U-A-L...give me a break! Does that make getting ADVICE from a virtual community equally mind-expanding? I'm not sure if I understand your point here. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Does that make getting ADVICE from a virtual community equally mind-expanding? I'm not sure if I understand your point here. I don't get it either as the OP doesn't seem to understand that she's posted in a forum whose purpose is to give advice and feedback. Regardless, I see that the Mods have had their say and made their adjustments. I'm not helping the OP so I'm going to check out of the thread... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Hey Desertmoon, I think you are so funny! I also find your philosophy of relationships is very interesting. Very dignified too. I am wondering though how long the 'menage a trois' could be sustained for. Nothing ever stays the same, as you are beginning to realise! The less emotionally available you are to both OM and your H, the more of you they will want! It is human nature. People want more of what they think they can't have. It must be torture for your husband though. I am sure that by now he will be willing to give up all OW to have your undivided attention. Would you want that? Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author desertmoon Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 What I said was "If it's approval and validation you seek, you might have to look somewhere else for it...". I'm not sure how that's telling you to go somewhere unless (again) your goal is validation. Yep, that was a role playing scenario that I posted here a couple of years ago that my wife and I did to address some issues in our relationship. It's a form of working on one's marriage, quite different from cheating on one's spouse with an MM cheating on his spouse. Might not work for you but there are many other (more conventional) suggestions on the forums here to improve your marriage. And it's worked so well for you. Has it brought you happiness? Are you proud of what you're doing? I have a hard time believing that this is the life you hoped for. Maybe I'm wrong... Mr. Lucky Well..obviously one of mine and mr.lucky's post was deleted from this thread....anyway, you ASKING me IF I am seeking validation and approval here is just a mask of you telling me in effect that that is what I am here for and since I am not "open" to your 'advices" then I should go somewhere else...nice try on mind games.... yes, you are right...you did what worked for you and you came here to INQUIRE if others have done the same--because you wanted approval and validation-and you got it! Mr. Lucky...what is it that you do not understand? I do not know if I want to improve my marriage--I do not know if I need help-I do not know if I want change. I did not expect people to respond to my story...originally,I came upon Lorenzo's story, commented and shared mine, on HIS thread--and somebody asked me to start my own thread...AGAIN, I was surprised by the response-the empathy, the disgust, etc. I was grilled by some why I was here...I said I was not sure....I still am not sure..but one thing is clear, I find it really, really interesting....some posts have made me think, cry... Has it worked well for me? I don't know, must've. I am not dependent on my husband for what makes me smile, there are no fights, I get to do what I want to do. Does it make me happy? Well, I am not sad, but I am not jumping up and down gleefully--I am just glad I wake up alive-able to appreciate the little things in life-blue sky(summer), starbucks coffee, white pristine snow(obviously in the winter), my daughter going to school, doing the job I love, andrea bocelli...simple, everyday things.... Like I said so many times before,I do not ask myself those profound, philosophical questions, like "Are you happy"? "Where is your life going?" "What is the meaning of Life?', etc....they all seem like easy enough questions but to me, they are questions whose answers elude me and therefore, pondering upon them and being bugged down by them is a waste of time....i choose to just live....one day at a time... This is absolutely not the life I hoped for....but it is the life I have..and I am living it the best way I know how...Maybe tomorrow I will discover that there is another way of living my life...until then..there is no point in slamming me for not seeing life and living life the way YOU guys think it should be lived... Link to post Share on other sites
Author desertmoon Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 I don't get it either as the OP doesn't seem to understand that she's posted in a forum whose purpose is to give advice and feedback. Regardless, I see that the Mods have had their say and made their adjustments. I'm not helping the OP so I'm going to check out of the thread... Mr. Lucky Yes, but it frustrates you when the OP (in this case, ME) does not take your advice...simply because she is not where you guys are....and you have no understanding of that... Link to post Share on other sites
Author desertmoon Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 Hey Desertmoon, I think you are so funny! I also find your philosophy of relationships is very interesting. Very dignified too. I am wondering though how long the 'menage a trois' could be sustained for. Nothing ever stays the same, as you are beginning to realise! The less emotionally available you are to both OM and your H, the more of you they will want! It is human nature. People want more of what they think they can't have. It must be torture for your husband though. I am sure that by now he will be willing to give up all OW to have your undivided attention. Would you want that? Nomad1 hello, Nomad....thank you for your post. I am acutely aware that nothing lasts forever or stays the same....I learned the painful way--I have mentioned somewhere that I have also realized that everything in life is economics-supply and demand--the more you give, the less you are appreciated. Yes, it is human nature. Luckily, I learned from reading in this forum there are people who defy this law--and it is thrilling to know that! My husband lost me, the first time he cheated. He did not lose his partner in the marriage, but he lost his wife-im sure that doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but...oh well... This is why, for all those who cheat, ( includes me and my OM/MM), you have to think hard before embarking on an affair and make sure that you can afford what you might stand to lose when the affair is discovered, because one affair could be the end and everything is history.... Link to post Share on other sites
LavendarGirl Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Desertmoon, I am sorry for your pain. I know it must be horrible in your situation. My first xH was a serial cheater. He admitted to two affairs to me, and I told him I would forgive but not forget, and to never stray again. He took it as an invitation, as his subsequent affairs were never as cleverly hidden from me. I did what I told him I would do, and divorced him. My family disowned me because he was a man of great power and economic status. I showed my parents evidence, and my mother said it was it was my fault because I was not a good enough wife. It took great strength to go against their demands to stay in the marriage, but I did it anyway, and have no regrets. Now, 13 years later, I have only limited communications with my family, as I disowned them in turn. If you can find the strength, get out for you and your daughter's sake. You have a job, you can survive, I bet as a single mom. Think of the good example you can be for your daughter. Hopefully your family can accept your choices. I know it is a great struggle because it goes against your cultural values. I wish you the best of luck. --LG. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 lavendar girl -- Wow you had the courage to divorce him despite your family putting pressure on you not to do so. My mother also has tried to dissuade me from the idea of divorcing my H (who is also a serial cheater) and she always says, "Don't think you will find anyone better!" Did you find 'anyone better'? Link to post Share on other sites
LavendarGirl Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 lavendar girl -- Wow you had the courage to divorce him despite your family putting pressure on you not to do so. My mother also has tried to dissuade me from the idea of divorcing my H (who is also a serial cheater) and she always says, "Don't think you will find anyone better!" Did you find 'anyone better'? Athena, compared to where my marriage was at the time we divorced, anyone would be better! Yeah, my mom said stuff like that to me too, that I would never find a man as good as him. I told her, if that's as good as it gets, I will live the life of a nun. I recognize she was projecting her own insecurities on to me. But still, they (family) did what they could to undermine me at that point in time. Wish I could give you a happy ending to my story. I was single for a while, got in another marriage that had its own set of problems (H who was struggling with alcoholism and also had no libido), and then got another divorce. And now I'm in a relationship with a lost love, MM, and that has its own set of dramas and messes. But I have never, ever once regretted divorcing my serial cheater xH. Link to post Share on other sites
Author desertmoon Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 Does that make getting ADVICE from a virtual community equally mind-expanding? I'm not sure if I understand your point here. Mr. Trimmer, when you feel pain, or hurt or joy or happiness, do you need another person to AGREE with you that those emotions are real? do you need others to agree with the labels that you have assigned to your emotions? and if so, why? I suspect because it makes it easier to deal with, right? that is the purpose of labels...well..good for all of you who need that kind of validation...and get it...it should make the quality of your life better. Taking advice could be mind expanding---you could possibly solve your problems by taking advice. "Being validated and accepted" well....what does that do, really? Whatever crappy emotion you feel is still there, only now you found you have company! You still have to get out of the funk you're in, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Author desertmoon Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 Hi Athena and LavenderGirl! Thank you for your posts! LG, I am not in pain...I am ok...and maybe there will come a time when I want a huge change and divorce my H. Right now, I am ok...but I appreciate your thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Desertmoon, I thank you for posting your story here on this thread -- it has opened my eyes to another possibility of living one's life in a marriage.... it is not always the fairy-tale ending OR a divorce... there are other ways of marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
loulou101 Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Hi Athena and LavenderGirl! Thank you for your posts! LG, I am not in pain...I am ok...and maybe there will come a time when I want a huge change and divorce my H. Right now, I am ok...but I appreciate your thoughts. I dont know you at all but you seem eerily familiar to me. Your perceptions are very interesting because i see a lot of similarities in our opinions and views. I understand you in a way that even I am sure of why... I love ice queen it makes me giggle... I think that you have a view that most people can never understand or grasp. I do not think that you suffer from depression or anything.... I think that you are brilliant. Just my opinion and wanted to share it with you. Also gives me insight in my MM marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I have been busy sorting out kid's crisis and finally PM you now... a long one... but I got the following error reading: <<The following errors occurred with your submission: 1. desertmoon has chosen not to receive private messages or may not be allowed to receive private messages. Therefore you may not send your message to him/her.>> So, please see if you accidently disabled your PM! (unless of course you are blocking me, lol ) Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Desert, why do you think your husband cheated on you? Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Athena:....Yes, my husband cheated many times...his reason? "they are just playthings, YOU (meaning , me) are the love of my life"..(haha)...the bad thing about his first infidelity was that something died inside of me and I could not bring myself to be intimate with him(thus, his excuse for the subsequent affairs)--it's about forgiveness and forgetting--both of which apparently I am incapable of Reggie, Desertmoon wrote the above, which shows her H clearly admitted the OW were playthings to him, but she as his W is his love.... So, I guess she is certain about all the affairs... and he apparently has had several. Link to post Share on other sites
Author desertmoon Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 Desert, why do you think your husband cheated on you? Actually, I am not sure....and frankly, it is not important to me why he did or is.... Gosh, I am afraid my answer would classify me as a sociopath Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 What's a sociopath?:bunny: Collagen(sp) in those lips? Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Reggie, Desertmoon wrote the above, which shows her H clearly admitted the OW were playthings to him, but she as his W is his love.... So, I guess she is certain about all the affairs... and he apparently has had several. Well, playthings are nice. I have my Tonka Trucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author desertmoon Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 What's a sociopath?:bunny: Collagen(sp) in those lips? You noticed...LOL...nope, all natural...nothing against collagen...but "collagened" lips actually do not look like that-but what do you know, you are just a lawyer.... Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 You noticed...LOL...nope, all natural...nothing against collagen...but "collagened" lips actually do not look like that-but what do you know, you are just a lawyer.... Yeah, but a lawyer with collagened lips(juries love 'em). Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Ayn Rand? Geez, she was boring as heck. And Gary Cooper in Atlas? Pleeeeze. Link to post Share on other sites
Author desertmoon Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 Yeah, but a lawyer with collagened lips(juries love 'em). You have collagened lips???????? ahmmm..... okay...... Link to post Share on other sites
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