my story

[pelicanpreacher]

Tears are not what I strive for. I aim to inspire anger for the right reasons in the hope to motivate you to change your situation and improve your lot in life. Please don't construe anything I've written here as judgmental in any way shape or form. I really do see opportunity for you to achieve happiness in your life so forgive me if I've said something that distresses you as that was not my intention.

[Trimmer]

...later,when I have resigned myself to the fact that I am incapable of it, I met this married lawyer--cosmopolitan, well-dressed, successful, and who aggressively pursued me, I succumbed to a relationship outside of my marriage.

If you had more self respect, you would realize that you chose to engage in a relationship outside your marriage. That isn't as much of a dig as it may sound; as other posters mentioned, you sound dead inside, and another symptom of that is in considering that your life is just "happening" to you and that you "succumbed" to this relationship.

 

I possibly could have found a single man--except that I was not looking. MM found me, pursued me and for very selfish reasons I agreed to have a relationship with him.

Again, it all just happened to you, all you did was agree to it...

 

I think I have a better understanding of why people cheat...maybe it is a tremendous pressure to put on anybody to be loyal to one person...maybe it is impossible to complete another...

I have long been of the opinion that the whole "you complete me" thing is a crock. I think that in order to fully engage in a healthy relationship, you need to be complete as an individual FIRST, and that looking for someone else to "complete you," to fill in the empty holes, to provide what is missing, is the fuel of many a dysfunctional relationship.

 

But again, being a complete individual requires developing your self-respect, self-confidence, and a sense of your worth as an individual, and not having to rely on another to fill those holes.

 

1) OM wants me to leave H. He also wants to leave his W--but only if I can assure him I will be with him...how crazy is that? I don't trust any man...One betrayal is enough to last me a lifetime...why would I subject myself to another one...?

...plus, you know that this man (your OM) has proven that he is capable of betraying his current partner, why not others?

 

Truth is, I have given up on relationships-marriage,men...if OM has OWs--oh well...I have never asked him to be faithful to me...it is a futile requirement from a man.....

Yes, I'm going to get defensive here... You do realize that the syntax of this statement essentially reads "it is a futile requirement from any man..." yes? And do you also realize the irony of this proclamation coming from a woman who has chosen to engage in an extramarital affair? You spoke earlier about the naiveté of your OM - it seems that this characteristic is seldom in short supply where affairs are concerned.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm struck by the contradictions inherent in a set of circumstances that binds you to an unhappy marriage yet allows you to rationalize having an affair. You stay with a cheating husband because you are "too embarressed to leave the marriage", and yet, rather than take the honorable way out, you engage in conduct that would bring more shame.

 

You're obviously an intelligent person - why accept this life? I think you'll find that the people around your, especially your daughter and husband, sense and know more than you think. It was easy for you to discover your husbands affairs, right?

 

At some point (any maybe sooner than you think), circumstances will force your hand. Don't you want to making those decisions rather than your current passive state? There is still time to take some control of your life, otherwise, no one to blame but yourself when things get ugly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mr. Lucky]

My H uses protection when he forces himself on me-(once or twice a year)-it is a requirement.

So you can control whether or not your H uses protection, but not whether or not he forces himself on you for sex?

 

One of many reasons I think your role in the entire thing is more active and voluntary than you portray it to be...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Joyvke]

So you can control whether or not your H uses protection, but not whether or not he forces himself on you for sex?

 

One of many reasons I think your role in the entire thing is more active and voluntary than you portray it to be...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Trying to put herself in a victim role, that's how I read it. Oh he does it to me, I can do it back. Not thinking about the other woman, why should I?

 

That's kinda how it is, isn't it. In the meantime saying how bad she feels as if she is the victim.

 

The only victim here is the OW, she didn't agree in it, while all three of you actually cheat on eachother. Your husband, your other man and you.

 

edit:

Also, you don't want people to find out about it, but what's with the avatar? Is that you or just something random?

[desertmoon]

If you had more self respect, you would realize that you chose to engage in a relationship outside your marriage. That isn't as much of a dig as it may sound; as other posters mentioned, you sound dead inside, and another symptom of that is in considering that your life is just "happening" to you and that you "succumbed" to this relationship.

 

 

Again, it all just happened to you, all you did was agree to it...

 

Semantics, Trimmer. Forgive me...yes, I CHOSE to be in this relationship. I make no bones about it, I make no rationalizations, I make no excuses. I also do not go around flaunting it....I do not have a need to be validated publicly...

 

But again, being a complete individual requires developing your self-respect, self-confidence, and a sense of your worth as an individual, and not having to rely on another to fill those holes.

 

I have always wondered what all that stuff is ...self-respect, self-confidence and sense of worth...is there a standard somewhere? who set those standards? based on what? They seem intangible...if you have all those things, does that mean you have a pure heart? that you are a good person for having all those? hmmmm....

 

 

 

...plus, you know that this man (your OM) has proven that he is capable of betraying his current partner, why not others?

 

I believe anyone is capable of betraying anyone....it depends on what is at stake...can you afford the loss, if it does not go your way?

 

 

Yes, I'm going to get defensive here... You do realize that the syntax of this statement essentially reads "it is a futile requirement from any man..." yes? And do you also realize the irony of this proclamation coming from a woman who has chosen to engage in an extramarital affair? You spoke earlier about the naiveté of your OM - it seems that this characteristic is seldom in short supply where affairs are concerned.

 

Yes, I am no better...never said I was...

[desertmoon]

I'm struck by the contradictions inherent in a set of circumstances that binds you to an unhappy marriage yet allows you to rationalize having an affair. You stay with a cheating husband because you are "too embarressed to leave the marriage", and yet, rather than take the honorable way out, you engage in conduct that would bring more shame.

 

I thought I said somewhere that I have given up scheming to get back at my husband? this OM came along and I liked him enough to have chosen to be with him---I have no other reason other than selfish , self-serving ones...is that a rationalization? Yes, you are right, I stayed in my marriage because I was too embarrassed to crawl back to my family who never wanted me to be with my H. I am not worried about the society as a whole, just my family.. I am just hoping the 1) I won't be found out 2) if my H finds out, he will not make a scene---because I didn't. 3) the OM takes care of his wife if she finds out..meaning, not let her get to me...etc...

 

Sometimes, I wonder how this woud all play out if ****hits the fan....maybe it will free me...free everyone...

 

You're obviously an intelligent person - why accept this life? I think you'll find that the people around your, especially your daughter and husband, sense and know more than you think. It was easy for you to discover your husbands affairs, right?

Well, my husband was irresponsible--he left a lot of evidence. Did I confront him about them?...no, I never asked my husband to stop..never made him explain, never made a scene--I think my nervous breakdown should have been enough to make him stop...but it didnt--instead he kept asking if I wanted to have my own affairs too--and that it didn't matter because I was incapable of it....

[desertmoon]

So you can control whether or not your H uses protection, but not whether or not he forces himself on you for sex?

 

One of many reasons I think your role in the entire thing is more active and voluntary than you portray it to ..

 

Mr. Lucky, my husband thinks that if only he can make me feel the "sparks" again...he would have me again...like he did when I was 18.After he forces himself to me-he feels so bad and disgusted with himself...it is a weird feeling of satisfaction on my part---that he has no effect on me...

 

The protection is a practical decision, even HE knows it is stupid to bring another child in this quasi marriage.

[imagine]

Desert,

 

I thought I would comment in Haiku:

 

 

DESERTMOON

 

Two stems

One root...

And the branch that flowers...

Is in the shade

 

 

Imagine

[Athena]

Yes, you are right, I stayed in my marriage because I was too embarrassed to crawl back to my family who never wanted me to be with my H.

 

Desertmoon, you do not have to 'crawl back to your family' if they ever should find out... because surely you can support yourself financially, if you divorce?

 

You can choose to take control of your life and you can choose to divorce your husband and live with your daughter in a home of your own.

 

If you tell your family that you are getting a divorce because the marriage did not work out, this does not mean you have to go live with them (crawl back to them) ... if you mean that you do not wish your family to be 'proven right' about your choice of husband, so what? Take it on the chin and move on. You cannot be 'right' about everything, and so what -- you were 18 when you made your choice of man... that was a long time ago. Now you know differently.

 

You sound very passive and dependent. In a way, your way of 'controlling' these men is only limited to what you don't give them.

But, if that kind of power is satisfying enough to you, imagine what having FULL control of your own life will feel like?

 

Also -- it seems like you are waiting to be found out, so that the choice to end this affair will be MADE FOR YOU. Once again, you are not willing to initiate the action but since it looks like OM won't end the affair despite you not giving him what he wants (more time with you, and for you to leave H for him),.... perhaps you are now flirting with being found out in some way.

 

There is more to life than just being what some man or other wants you to be for him. You can exert more power in your choices and in getting what you want. Just because you tried on your Americanized young woman -get-what-YOU-want young Self at age 18, and FAILED , does NOT mean you have to GIVE UP on yourself now. Try again! Just because your family was right about that husband of yours, doesn't mean you have no chance of choosing well in your future! You ARE STILL STRONG AND CONFIDENT -- just give yourself another chance! Don't let that man break you for all time.

 

Why don't you try some independent counseling to help you sort out the various issues in your life?

[desertmoon]

Trying to put herself in a victim role, that's how I read it. Oh he does it to me, I can do it back. Not thinking about the other woman, why should I?

 

That's kinda how it is, isn't it. In the meantime saying how bad she feels as if she is the victim.

 

The only victim here is the OW, she didn't agree in it, while all three of you actually cheat on eachother. Your husband, your other man and you.

 

edit:

Also, you don't want people to find out about it, but what's with the avatar? Is that you or just something random?

 

Joyvke, I am not a victim...not anymore...I think you want to see me cry and say that I am doing this because it was done to me..but I didnt...

 

What IS with the avatar? That is me. I do not think people come in here looking for me....plus...my hair does not look like that anymore...

 

I can sense your anger towards me...you shouldn't be...my life has not bearing to yours...it is a wasted emotion.

[desertmoon]

Physically? As in, you live 2gether? Or you've been having an affair for 3 years? You do know the odds of it lasting, don't you?

 

I have been having an affair for 3 years...yes, I know the odds....

 

 

 

You call that intact? Sounds precarious.

 

{sigh} I meant, the marriages are literally intact...whether the marriages are good or not...is not my point..I didnt think that was too hard to understand...

 

 

 

You're trying 2 rationalize selfish behavior. The "pressure" you're describing, being responsible, is imaginary. Taking responsibility for the choices we make and the consequences of those choices is truly liberating. But you can't know that if you don't try it. Maintaining a lie for years on end is oppressive. I wouldn't want 2 live like that. You are right about completing other people, though. Emotionally healthy married 2ples don't "complete one another" they SHARE their individualities without losing them. Think about it. If we depend on our spouses 2 be whole, what happens when our spouse dies? Are we suddenly half a person? So yes, it is impossible 2 complete someone, though people try 2 all the time (or try 2 convince themselves that they need 2).

 

I am glad you have figured it all out. I have stopped figuring it out...I do not depend on my spouse...I can afford to lose him..I can afford to lose the OM, too...I will be sad but I will not die if they are not in my life...

[desertmoon]

Desert,

 

I thought I would comment in Haiku:

 

 

DESERTMOON

 

Two stems

One root...

And the branch that flowers...

Is in the shade

 

 

Imagine

 

beautiful...sad...the flowers will die..they need sunlight...

[desertmoon]

Yes, I am gagging. Your story is nauseating in the lack of empathy for yourself or anyone else. And no, I don't need to ask why you are doing it, I already know the answer to that one.

 

Amazing...will you tell me please why I am doing it? cuz I am not really sure myself...

[marazul]

There are many reasons why people have affairs and sorry if some disagree with me but there are affairs that I would consider justified. Hits you get in life have shaped you in a way that for some reason she felt she needed this affair. If it's good or bad, that's another question.

 

And if there's a real need you go into it and the last thing in your mind is if you're going to hurt the W from the OM. Because mainly we think first about our own well-being. Also not everybody who stays in a marriage is happy and fulfilled so you don't know if the W would find it out if she would be hurt, nobody knows this and what's going on in that marriage.

 

I think they are some kind of stereotypes, you're married and you're happy and if you're partner cheats you will be devastated. Come on! it's not always like that. People stay married for many different reasons that have nothing to do with love.

 

Desertmoon, I just hope that you're not hurting yourself more than you think by allowing yourself to stay in that marriage. Maybe from the damage you got you are somehow living unconsciously. May I recommend that you read this book, it will also clarify the question of the self-confidence and self-worth that you mentioned before, the standard for those. It's quite interesting. "How to raise your self-esteem" by Nathaniel Branden. Small paperback 161 p.

[desertmoon]

Athena and PelicanPreacher:

 

You two make the most sense and for some strange reason are moving me to tears...thank you....I am just tired of making sense of my life...tired of making sense of why people do what they do...

 

I am not afraid of my family anymore..

 

If I end the affair...I do not know if I want to end my marriage...they are not inclusive of each other...like i said before, my marriage while it is not blissful, is ok...we do not have loud fights---im passive-aggressive--nothing to be proud of. Actually we seldom have fights, we are practical people...and we love our daughter--When I am asked, "Are you happy?-i do not really know the answer to that...I am not unhappy. I am ok..I do not think I deserve to be happy, I do not think I deserve to suffer...

 

why does everybody think we are all entitled to this thing called "happiness"? what is it? Is it something attainable?

[desertmoon]

Thank you so much, Marazul...your posts are non-judgmental....and I appreciate it...I did not think I cared...but when I read the other posts and the negative emotions this thing draws from people, I realized, wow...it's jarring.....I will find that book!

[Athena]

Athena and PelicanPreacher:

 

You two make the most sense and for some strange reason are moving me to tears...thank you....I am just tired of making sense of my life...tired of making sense of why people do what they do...

Desertmoon the first step to waking up from that place of being dead inside, is to FEEL emotion, so your tears are a very positive first step!

You have cut yourself off from your emotions because the pain was intolerable. You have compartmentalized your life, cutting each part off from the other, and have not allowed yourself to feel anything, not even hope.

 

Look at yourself. Insight is key.

[marazul]

I'm not prone to judge but to open up our eyes and find truth or reality, a better way. It's not nice to be criticized for things that we do without knowing all the details.

 

I'm reading that book to see if that helps me too.

[pelicanpreacher]

I too am pleased that this forum has helped to pierce your fog to begin your introspection and revitilization. There is work to be done so falter thee not on complaceny for happiness and fulfillment can and will be within your reach as long as you choose to travel the road to your redemption.

 

Remember that if your life is cloistered solely upon one tree in the forest your perspective is limited to that tree and the immediate trees that surround you. Fail thee not to see the forest for the trees lest your knowledge be obscured of all all that life, happiness, and opportunity await you.

 

Though driven to tears it is your anger that needs to be inspired for at one time, when your husband taunted, you were almost driven to action. I don't know the timing of this occurrence but, on a positive note, you didn't breach your boundary of decency at that time and did secure and rise in income through gainful employment which has hung the sword of Damocles over your husband's head. (ergo, the threat of his seeking alimony if you ever divorced him) The bigger picture of "forces that be" that continue to bind you must now be dealt with for you to finally realize the bounty that awaits you when you take full control of your life.

 

Good luck on your journey!

[desertmoon]

Pelicanpreacher:

 

My H is in bed watching TV as I am typing this....the whole evening I kept looking at him--at dinner, when he was on the phone, when he was talking to my daughter and now watching TV from the bed....I feel no anger...It is like I have no strong emotion of any kind except sadness when I am reminded of the first time I found out....

 

I mentioned before, OM have said to me I am not passionate about anything....almost like I do not care....but I do care....my mother used to tell me when I was a little girl not to cry in front of people, do not show emotion...because when you do, you have lost the battle....

[Athena]

Maybe you have learned to hide your emotions, but surely you must FEEL them?

 

And -- if your husband really loved you as he says <you are the love of his life>, then perhaps him witnessing your sadness would impact him so that he would have to see what damage he has caused you. Else how would he know if you don't react? He might just think you don't care! He might be rationalizing having umpteen affairs because 'My W doesn't care one way or another'. Have you ever told him how his cheating affected you so badly? If not, what would motivate him to stop?

[Reggie]

Sounds like depression, a common thing following a betrayal like this. Have you had therapy? Tried any of the meds. They are lifesavers in some cases.

[TearzShed]

I am just tired of making sense of my life...tired of making sense of why people do what they do...

 

I can relate to this...

[desertmoon]

Maybe you have learned to hide your emotions, but surely you must FEEL them?

 

And -- if your husband really loved you as he says <you are the love of his life>, then perhaps him witnessing your sadness would impact him so that he would have to see what damage he has caused you. Else how would he know if you don't react? He might just think you don't care! He might be rationalizing having umpteen affairs because 'My W doesn't care one way or another'. Have you ever told him how his cheating affected you so badly? If not, what would motivate him to stop?

 

He knows how I felt...he has lost me...I do not really care about his cheating now...sometimes, he would announce, "baby, I am trying very hard to be a good boy....i just want you back"...I just look at him weird and walk away....sometimes, I think he wants me to find out to get some kind of reaction from me---he is not getting it...he calls me "ice queen"...I like it..

 

Maybe I am power-tripping......