Lessons to lying husbands

[psyc1221]

are you really sure??? and what about guilly???

[Dexter Morgan]

I know him best and I can still say he is physically honest to me.

 

And I'll ask again. How do you know?

 

7 years in an emotional affair, if you think he didn't feel the need to consumate his feelings for this other woman in that amount of time, you are fooling yourself.

 

So again, how do you know for sure he didn't cross the physical boundary? Because he told you?

[carhill]

Sorry, do not judge me please.

 

Nope, definitely won't. You did use a good word there. Judge. Judges are pretty smart. Get in front of one and get your "revenge"

[stillafool]

I know for sure he has not and will not cheat on me physically if I don't know that for sure I would have been out of this place a long time ago. If he does not love me and knows for sure that I'm the one he wants he wouldn't have married me. If we get divorce he got so much to lose and I feel that I should give him one more year to work on himself. Knowing the struggles he went through as a child I feel that I ought to give him a chance even if that means at the expense of my happiness. He has promised to change because he loves me enough to change if he does not he will lose me in a year. He has lost so many nice ladies before he met me and I don't want him to continue losing especially when he has acknowledged his problems and willing to get rid of them. It is sad that he does not even have a few close friends and if we get divorce he will not just lose me but my circle of friends, this is so sad.

 

This sounds like you are still putting his needs and feelings above your own. Your husband can probably see through your so-called acts of revenge. The reason you won't or don't leave your husband is the simple fact that you are still in love with him and don't want to give him up. You are afraid the other woman will end up with him. It has almost become a competitive thing now hasn't it? Don't buy it that he has not been physical with this OW in 7 years. It's just not realistic but I do understand we believe what we must to get by. If you really wanted revenge, you would leave him and take all the money and property. That's real revenge!

[tomswife]

It would be rational to say this is not going to help, but then again it is therapy for you and probably feels pretty good doing it. [/quote

 

You got it!!!!

[tomswife]

And I'll ask again. How do you know?

 

7 years in an emotional affair, if you think he didn't feel the need to consumate his feelings for this other woman in that amount of time, you are fooling yourself.

 

So again, how do you know for sure he didn't cross the physical boundary? Because he told you?

Because this woman lives far far from us and he has not spent a night out without me nor has he ever gone out more than an hour at a time. He's pretty easy to track down since we both works from home and live in a small town.

[The Collector]

What does this 'emotional affair' definitely consist of? He talked to her on the internet? Said he cared about her? What?

[Dexter Morgan]

Because this woman lives far far from us and he has not spent a night out without me nor has he ever gone out more than an hour at a time. He's pretty easy to track down since we both works from home and live in a small town.

 

In 7 years he's NEVER been away from you for longer than an hour?

 

She may live far away, but she could have made a trip in close proximity and an hour is all he would need.

 

I just don't buy that he has never been away from you more than 1 hour in 7 years.

 

Not trying to look for something here, just not buying that in 7 years nothing happened and that he is attached to your hip.

 

And in any even, an emotional affair, especially for 7 years, is just as bad.

[snoopy girl]

Because this woman lives far far from us and he has not spent a night out without me nor has he ever gone out more than an hour at a time. He's pretty easy to track down since we both works from home and live in a small town.

 

 

I feel your pain and i too have a husband that used to work with a woman for 8 yrs. and did the same thing, he would talk about her all the time, said she was goofy when i heard her on the phone with him furting. after many yrs of lies, i had enough and told him i could not take it anymore, i was going to leave him and he said he would do anything for me to stay, i told him to get a new job and after 6 months more of the same sh_t i made my mind up to leave and 2 months later he left his job, i am still with him and he has a new job but the trust is still not there. i feel he is still talking to her.

 

so no matter what you do, it is up to him to stop and they will tell you any to get their way, my husband is a "gas lighter" someone helped me with some time ago. ego! its all about ego!

[tomswife]

The woman is married and not interested in him anymore, she is in contact because she used to do our bookeeping from a different state. He fired her 8 months ago on my request. We have other firms that do our accounting now but this woman still on the picture because my husband and the new accounting firms need to consult her regarding accounting, they do this on email and rarely on the phone. The new lie is when he told me that he will not directly contact her but a few weeks ago I found a copy of the letter he wrote to her on his computer and to me this is direct contact. Much of the letter is about business but it is direct contact and it is still a lie.

He will not cheat on me because 1. He thinks I'm the most beautiful woman :love:2. I'm his 3. He loves his money and it would be a disaster for him if we get divorce 4. He does not have family, myself and my family are the only people he has. The root of all his lies is money and the other woman is no longer interested in him but I guess it is just an ego booster for her to hear an ex bf says all the flirty things and talks about their past.

I have mentioned the D word so many times but he swears I'm the only one he wants and I know for sure that he does not physically cheat on me. I'm giving him a chance because I have seen his actions working towards rebuilding the trust. Just this morning I asked him if he really thinks that I'm going to trust him again, his answer is 'yes, because I realize I'm not willing to lose me' I told him that it will take a lot of work to get my trust and respect back because it is something that people earn.

[Dexter Morgan]

He will not cheat on me because 1. He thinks I'm the most beautiful woman :love:2. I'm his 3. He loves his money and it would be a disaster for him if we get divorce 4. He does not have family, myself and my family are the only people he has.

 

 

If that is the only reason you think he won't cheat physically, then thats pretty weak.

 

You have all these reasons and he still cheated emotionally(so far as you know). Why didn't these reasons stop him from that?

 

If you really think he wouldn't cross the physical boundary because of what you said above, I hope it never happens.

 

all I am saying is, don't be a fool and think he didn't cheat physically in 7 years of emotional cheating. Don't be led into the false sense of security thinking he wouldn't, or didn't cheat, because of the things you listed above. People who are their wayward spouse's "everything", most gorgeous spouse in the world, get cheated on all the time.

 

Good luck with that.

[Trialbyfire]

The reality of cheating has nothing to do with who you represent to the cheater. It's all about the cheater and who he is inside of him. No one is safe from being cheated on, no matter how much time they spend with their spouse. Where there's a will, there's a way, if one is selfish and broken enough inside to cheat.

[snoopy girl]

I feel the same way you do, I feel my husband has not done anything with that girl, but my gut tells me to watch close. He told me that he has not called her or her called him since he had quite his job. but i had opened on line, his phone history of the time he left and there it was. she had called him at 7:00 am and 7:02am he checked his messages. another lie

then time went on, he said no contact with her. i found on his history phone bill on line, data oneXXX no charge called the phone co. what is this text and sorry can't be traced. told me he was listening to ring tones, that was what it was. i went back and check all data oneXXX and he was listening to ring tones, first thing before he got up in the morning and lunch and dinner times 10 or more times a day, 5 day a week mon - fri never on the weekends. more lies! i feel like i am going crazy and i know how you feel. hurts more than anything becuse we love them,

we would never do this to them, we deserve so much more and that is why we are pissed off to no end. my husband has gone through other friends phone to talk to her so it will not show up on the history.

keep an eye open for little changes and i hope i can help you and you can help me. write everything down on paper dates and time and keep it away from him so you can go back and check. no one will understand what we are going through till they are in it. we do what makes us feel better.

[Trialbyfire]

tomswife, how real are you?

[SupportGroupie]

TW

heck who can blame you for being upset. No one. Its a horrible thing to be lied to and hurt.

 

You should be upset as you need, get it out, morn, cuss etc do what you need. I know you are really hurt and want him to pay. I get that. And its a human thing.

 

Once you have moved a bit away from that, eventually I hope for you that you will...perhaps you can focus on you, not him. Do things to better yourself and your life. Dont let him be the center of your rage, time or actions. Help yourself by doing healthy things to you, rather than maybe focusing on all the bad things u want to do to him

 

I AM not judging, I would feel angry too. But the issues wont get better if you want to keep feeding them bad things. Perhaps you could consider the law of attraction of what you WANT in your life, not what you want to do to get back at him.

 

I do think he should know how much he hurt you and betrayed you. He needs to know that if you stay with him. Painful truth....he needs to hear. But once he gets that....maybe just maybe you could consider focusinbg on what you want and he wants, not what you dont want.

 

EX: I want a loving, faithful husband i can trust, to be my partner.

 

I want to feel safe and whole

 

I want to learn a new hobby, skill, thing to increase my live..enhance my life

 

I want to learn and practice xyz...and be the best person i can be.

 

SURE he should know what he did, but you should ask yourself whether you want to keep that hostility and anger in the air for too long, cause it probably will only make him defensive and bitter eventually or beaten down and not able to give what you want in the end.

 

If u cant trust him or have to beat him into wellness and honesty and authenticity..it may not be worth your time.

Dont let him use you, and dont use him as a whipping post longer that u feel u need to

 

god bless and hugs and support

i feel your pain and am sorry

SG

[tomswife]

Update:

 

First time in 7 years I disagree on business with my husband, all those time in the past I didn't even bother getting so involve because I knew he did best but this time after the lie to save $1000 buck things were different and the husband realized that I am fighting back.

 

He wants to buy another house and get a mortgage in one of our houses that is mortgage free, first time in my 7 years long marriage I said NO. It is not because I don't want the property but because of the lack of trust. If he lied to me and broke our agreement for a 1000 bucks how would I trust him with 400k?

 

He thinks he's in trouble and I told him that it is going to take him a long time to earn back my trust and respect. He just started to wake up, you ladies are so right, he lied to me because he knew he could but going forward he knows that I'm a different woman and he either stops lying or lose me and half of the assets.

[snoopy girl]

only till you feel he can be honest again with everything is when you can make a better future w/him, but he is not, i don't know why men feel that they can do us this way and get by with it, they think what they do is not wrong, but boy i bet if the shoes were on the other foot they would not like it. not one bit! i hope you can have a good christmas this year and like any good person, that is what we all want, happiness in our family.

it will be hard to but you will do okay, like year passed. know that there are people out there that care for you and want you to be happy, i will be in and out and hope to keep up with you. take care, love snooy girl

[The Collector]

I'm still not sure about this whole 'emotional affair' concept this website talks about. What are the rules? Tell me if I've missed something, but all I'm getting here is that the 'other woman' was an ex from 7 years ago, and contact has been made despite being forbidden for some reason, after the OP got her fired for some reason. Is that cheating? Is that an 'emotional affair?'

[tomswife]

I'm still not sure about this whole 'emotional affair' concept this website talks about. What are the rules? Tell me if I've missed something, but all I'm getting here is that the 'other woman' was an ex from 7 years ago, and contact has been made despite being forbidden for some reason, after the OP got her fired for some reason. Is that cheating? Is that an 'emotional affair?'

 

Emotional affairs and lying.

[mental_traveller]

No. I'll not leave until I feel that he has paid for all he's done to me, himself and his marriage. I'm bitter:love:

 

I'm sure this will make you very happy and fulfilled.

[snoopy girl]

why can't men understand "emtional affair" its pretty simple. the things you do with another woman, not your wife. your lie to your with wife about the things that are going on with the women, even if it is something small like hanging around at your car with her for hours talking to her, and you don't tell your wife that you did, or like going to lunch with her and you didn't tell, or like giving her gifts or things just for her and you didn't tell your wife, flurting and talking about things in your marriage that you would not tell your guy friends, wanting to spend time with her or just talk to her, feel happy just to see her, and all the while hiding it from your wife. men you don't understand the hurt that you do to your wives.

this is a hard thing to deal with because there is no sex and a wife feels like there is or that he could. and when it comes to a head some wives feel that they can't leave becuase the men did not have sex and that is very hard to deal with, maybe it would be better that they did, because then the wives would know just what to do, like me i have not left but i don't know what to do.

[brothelmaiden]

No. I'll not leave until I feel that he has paid for all he's done to me, himself and his marriage. I'm bitter:love:

 

The only person who will be paying is you and dearly. The best revenge is acting indifferent, doing what you please, having fun without him, ignoring him, and finally divorcing. The only person I see getting bent out of shape here on out is you. Call him up from a bar hoping he hears the background noise and gets upset? Petty and pitiful. It's obvious you want him to know where you're at so it's not even lying. Being out all night and then lying when he asks is a different story. Acting like you don't give a damn about him is a much better way to go.

 

The almost funny but sad part of this whole mess is that you think in 7 years time that an EA was the extent of it! Get a clue!

[brothelmaiden]

The woman is married and not interested in him anymore, she is in contact because she used to do our bookeeping from a different state. He fired her 8 months ago on my request. We have other firms that do our accounting now but this woman still on the picture because my husband and the new accounting firms need to consult her regarding accounting, they do this on email and rarely on the phone. The new lie is when he told me that he will not directly contact her but a few weeks ago I found a copy of the letter he wrote to her on his computer and to me this is direct contact. Much of the letter is about business but it is direct contact and it is still a lie.

He will not cheat on me because 1. He thinks I'm the most beautiful woman :love:2. I'm his 3. He loves his money and it would be a disaster for him if we get divorce 4. He does not have family, myself and my family are the only people he has. The root of all his lies is money and the other woman is no longer interested in him but I guess it is just an ego booster for her to hear an ex bf says all the flirty things and talks about their past.

I have mentioned the D word so many times but he swears I'm the only one he wants and I know for sure that he does not physically cheat on me. I'm giving him a chance because I have seen his actions working towards rebuilding the trust. Just this morning I asked him if he really thinks that I'm going to trust him again, his answer is 'yes, because I realize I'm not willing to lose me' I told him that it will take a lot of work to get my trust and respect back because it is something that people earn.

 

Good grief!

 

The real truth is that you are 1. weak 2. gullible 3. will believe everything he says 4. a doormat 5. denial is your friend

Therefore, why not screw around and just lie to you about it when that works just dandy?

The only thing you know for sure is that he has had an emotional affair. Whether it has turned physical is debatable and not ruled out. Maybe you should ask her and not your lying cheating husband, ever think of that or do you accept and trust information from known liars?

[atwitsend]

Please share the details of the emotional affair. love letters, sex talk,e-mails, pictures (description is sufficient), lengthy phone calls, secretive behavior. No one hear seems to be interested in the actual evidence of the EA.

[MichelleS1983]

He will not cheat on me because 1. He thinks I'm the most beautiful woman :love:2. I'm his 3. He loves his money and it would be a disaster for him if we get divorce 4. He does not have family, myself and my family are the only people he has.

Oh my.

 

You're in for a LONG fall from grace when you find out the truth. No man moons after a woman for 7 YEARS without a 'payoff' of some kind to keep him interested. It's foolish to make statements like he thinks you're the 'most beautiful woman in the world" and all that nonsense. It means nothing in the end.

 

Keeping your head in the sand will do you no favors.