tomswife Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 My husband has been lying to me about his emotional affair for 7 years so you know what I did, I threw away things that this other woman made for him. I know it is terrible but that's the only way I can can back at him. We have tried counseling spent a lot of money and time but he's still lying so I thought I had tried something else. Sorry, do not judge me please. Link to post Share on other sites
BentSpine Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 Better way: Leave first, and then let you living life well be the satisfaction you seek. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tomswife Posted December 13, 2008 Author Share Posted December 13, 2008 No. I'll not leave until I feel that he has paid for all he's done to me, himself and his marriage. I'm bitter:love: Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 Take complete control of the family finances, bank accounts, portfolios, properties, then kick him to the curb. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 No. I'll not leave until I feel that he has paid for all he's done to me, himself and his marriage. I'm bitter:love: Revenge is rarely dignified. It lowers you to a level you shouldn't go to. You permit his behaviour to demean your standards. So, he's still controlling your behavioural responses. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 Revenge is rarely dignified. It lowers you to a level you shouldn't go to. You permit his behaviour to demean your standards. So, he's still controlling your behavioural responses. Geish, I'm going to have to challenge those statements. Even the Lord isn't above vengeance. He's also a hypocrite, in that it's okay for him to do, but not for you to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tomswife Posted December 14, 2008 Author Share Posted December 14, 2008 Oh, I have another coming up. I have a girlfriend whom my husband does not like and I have stopped socializing with her for that reason. She and I keep in touch via email on a regular basis and we are planning to meet at the bar for the first time in 2 years. When I'm at the bar I'll call the husband and tell him that I'm at the grocery store, with all the background I doubt he will believe it's a grocery store. I know he will bug me to tell him where I really was and I'll keep the truth to myself for a while and when it is time to tell him I hope he will understand how I feel when he lies to me. I'll not give up and I'll not leave him because if I do there will be another women he will lie to. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 How far will you go tomswife? Will you have a revenge affair on him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tomswife Posted December 15, 2008 Author Share Posted December 15, 2008 How far will you go tomswife? Will you have a revenge affair on him? No, I do not want to have an affair it is just not my style. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 So what's your ultimate goal in enacting small incidents of petty revenge? Do you plan to stay with him forever or are you going to leave him someday? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tomswife Posted December 15, 2008 Author Share Posted December 15, 2008 So what's your ultimate goal in enacting small incidents of petty revenge? Do you plan to stay with him forever or are you going to leave him someday? My ultimate goal is for him to understand how his lies have hurt me. If he knows how hurt I have been maybe he will stop. Some people learn the easy way, some the hard way. In our marriage we have tried the easy matured way but he has not learned so now it is the time to try the hard way. If he never learn I'll ultimately leave him but for now I'm still giving him a chance and hope he will stop lying. I don't give up easily!! Link to post Share on other sites
lostmymind Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 Being bitter and wanting to get revenge on someone is like taking a poison pill and waiting for the other person to die. You are investing emotional energy into someone who doesn't deserve it. Be angry, grieve, and move on. You either work together to rebuild the marriage (if it is possible) or you cut your losses and move on before you lose yourself. Seems to me that the situation you are in is bringing out the worst in you (we all have negative sides to us-we are human.) The question I am asking myself in my current situation is "does this person bring out the best in me?" If the answer is no, then get out. Just my two cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 My ultimate goal is for him to understand how his lies have hurt me. If he knows how hurt I have been maybe he will stop. Some people learn the easy way, some the hard way. In our marriage we have tried the easy matured way but he has not learned so now it is the time to try the hard way. If he never learn I'll ultimately leave him but for now I'm still giving him a chance and hope he will stop lying. I don't give up easily!! You're assuming he's capable of understanding. After 7 years of lying and cheating, I think all you'll end up with, is his hatred for hurting him, if he even cares to that extent. You can't get empathy from a stone. Do you honestly feel good about these actions? What side of you do they feed? When you're happy, how do you feel? When you enact these incidents, how do you feel? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 My husband has been lying to me about his emotional affair for 7 years so you know what I did, I threw away things that this other woman made for him. I know it is terrible What you did isn't terrible at all. What he did is. And why exactly should he be allowed to keep anything that the other woman made for him or bought him?? so what was his reaction to you throwing them away? If he cares for you and wants the marriage to work, he should be humble and agree they should be gone. If he got upset because you threw out those things, then he should be thrown out with them. And an emotional affair for 7 years???? You honestly believe in 7 years it didn't cross the physical boundary?? think again. Looks like he is still lying. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 You either work together to rebuild the marriage (if it is possible) or you cut your losses and move on before you lose yourself. This is what happens when you stubbornly stay in a dysfunctional marriage. Before you know it, you will become the shadow of the person you once were. It will threaten not only your piece of mind but your sanity as well. Stay long enough and you will soon become bitter and hateful, miserable and spiteful. There will be little good left of your character. One day you might even hate the person that you see in the mirror, the person that you have become. My ultimate goal is for him to understand how his lies have hurt me. If he knows how hurt I have been maybe he will stop. He very well knows how much he has hurt you but he just doesn't care. I am sorry but this is the painful truth. One day, I tearfully asked my cheating husband why he was doing this to me. He plainly said, "I don't care". It was the only truthful thing that he had said to me in a long time. It was an epiphany. I suddenly realized that he REALLY didn't care. That was my signal to pick up the pieces and rechannel my energy and determination into finding happiness without him. And finding myself, the wonderful woman that he so uncaringly tried to destroy. Do not waste another minute on vengeaful thoughts or actions. They will not make him feel what he doesn't have it in him to feel. Instead, rediscover yourself, become strong and confident, improve yourself and your life. And then sit back and watch him destroy his. When he does, don't be surprised if he comes crawling back, remorseful and asking for a second chance. Believe me by then, YOU will be the one who doesn't give a damn. Oh, and the notion of teaching an adult a lesson is plain silly. JMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tomswife Posted December 15, 2008 Author Share Posted December 15, 2008 I know for sure he has not and will not cheat on me physically if I don't know that for sure I would have been out of this place a long time ago. If he does not love me and knows for sure that I'm the one he wants he wouldn't have married me. If we get divorce he got so much to lose and I feel that I should give him one more year to work on himself. Knowing the struggles he went through as a child I feel that I ought to give him a chance even if that means at the expense of my happiness. He has promised to change because he loves me enough to change if he does not he will lose me in a year. He has lost so many nice ladies before he met me and I don't want him to continue losing especially when he has acknowledged his problems and willing to get rid of them. It is sad that he does not even have a few close friends and if we get divorce he will not just lose me but my circle of friends, this is so sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 Whoah, you can stop right there tomswife. Your acts of revenge have nothing to do with your husband, just like his acts of cheating have nothing to do with you. You're both responsible for yourselves. Don't pretend to be a martyr when these acts of revenge are feeding you in a dark way. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 My husband has been lying to me about his emotional affair for 7 years My dear, that is a lot of lying. Seven years in an EA or PA is not acceptable, not by any measure. It is an indication that something is seriously lacking in your marriage. My advice would be to put aside thoughts of revenge and lessons to be learned and instead reflect on not only WHY your husband feels this need to reach out to another woman for so many years but also on WHY you have been enabling it for so long. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 I know for sure he has not and will not cheat on me physically How so? Knowing the struggles he went through as a child I feel that I ought to give him a chance even if that means at the expense of my happiness. Ok, now it is clear that you are his doormat. You are excusing away his behavior because of his childhood. I'm not trying to hurt you, but trying to, from someone that has been there-done that, get you to wake up. So if you are going to make excuses for him, then there isn't much we can say I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 I must admit that I admire women who sacrifice their own freedom and happiness to watch their husbands cheat. Sorry but the petty revenge tactics will not do anything ... this is sooo childish.. he will never stop.. (I would bet my life that he has cheated physically )... how could you be so naive, he will never stop.. not with the type of W he has.. Link to post Share on other sites
Posco_Proudfoot Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 My ultimate goal is for him to understand how his lies have hurt me. If he knows how hurt I have been maybe he will stop. Some people learn the easy way, some the hard way. In our marriage we have tried the easy matured way but he has not learned so now it is the time to try the hard way. If he never learn I'll ultimately leave him but for now I'm still giving him a chance and hope he will stop lying. I don't give up easily!! It would be rational to say this is not going to help, but then again it is therapy for you and probably feels pretty good doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 I read about one piece - only one - that ever actually worked. A woman discovered her H was having an affair, and had been for 3 years, with her bestest friend ever. he made it quite clear, that as his new fluffy had kids, they'd need the house. her beloved, wonderful family home, she'd known all her life..... It absolutely devastated her, and could potentially have destroyed her, had she not had a blinding flash of insight one night. She told him she'd gotten over it, and that she was prepared to let go. She 'befriended' the both of them, and gradually earned their trust, friendship and confidence. Fate played into her hands, and when the huge empty building opposite was bought and turned into apartments, she seized the opportunity and rented one virtually opposite her old home.... into which her ex- and his new fluffy, moved. One day, she asked her ex- if he minded if she had the drapes from the front room. They would match her decor, and she was happy to replace them. H and fluffy obviously agreed, happily, so one day, whilst they were both out, she let herself in to the old home, and exchanged the drapes. At the same time, she filled the hollow brass curtain-rail with frozen prawns. Stuffed it. And waited for the Central heating to do the rest. Cut it short, they had every possible crevice, under-floor space, pipe, loft, cellar searched, from top to bottom, to locate the offending stench, but with no joy. Eventually, her H told her they were moving out, it had become too unbearable to live there any more, and she could move back in. She was welcome to it, as far as he was concerned. She "sadly" watched them move everything out, including the offending pole. She was so heartbroken to lose their neighbourliness, but she wished them well. In fact, she wished them so much well, she managed to re-fill the pole as a leaving present. A dish best served cold. So get the mayo, and turn off the CH. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 hahaha.. I was thinking about the same story.. mine was with 'fish'... Oops.. OK.. I just checked the definition of prawn..(same result lol) Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 tomswife, I'm the last person who will judge you for wanting your own back. I can relate. I will ask you why you're doing it and if you're really accomplishing what you want to accomplish. I'm not certain you're going to get the results you believe and also, I'm not certain you know why you're doing it. If revenge is what you really want and you can live with yourself with no regret or remorse, then go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tomswife Posted December 16, 2008 Author Share Posted December 16, 2008 tomswife, I'm the last person who will judge you for wanting your own back. I can relate. I will ask you why you're doing it and if you're really accomplishing what you want to accomplish. I'm not certain you're going to get the results you believe and also, I'm not certain you know why you're doing it. If revenge is what you really want and you can live with yourself with no regret or remorse, then go for it. I know him best and I can still say he is physically honest to me. The reason for revenge is a big part of my own weakness, Admitted. Link to post Share on other sites
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