big AGE difference

[Chris]

I could use some advice. Even though in my mind I think I know what I SHOULD do, I am starting to develop feelings that I almost feel guilty about. I am a 28 year old (male) student pilot working at a restaurant. Recently a 16 year old girl started working as a hostess, and she has taken a liking to me. She openly flirts with me, and at first I thought it was cute and kind of blew it off (although I am outgoing and continue to talk to and mildly flirt with her). But she is very physically attractive and considering going into modeling. It is becoming obvious she has developed a serious crush on me. At first I thought it was just innocent, and never meant for anything to even START to get out of hand. People are warning me to stay away from her, because they say I could end up "in jail." Now, nothing sexual has happened at all. (And by the way, she is of legal age in this state anyway.) I realize the huge age gap is nothing to take lightly, not to mention maturity, experience, etc. But I'm almost developing a small crush on her... and this scares me. I don't want to hurt her, and the more I talk to her the more she grows on me. I can't really avoid her, because we work together. Any advice would be appreciated.

[Tony T]

It sounds like you have analyzed this pretty well and know enough of the pros and cons to make your own decision.

 

This sort of thing happens every day. It is not disgraceful for any older man to fall for a young girl. To the outside world, it looks like you are "robbing the cradle" but you seem to have genuine feelings for her and that's what counts.

 

Chances are excellent that no matter how mature she seems, her age dictates that she has a lot of roaming to do before she settles down. You, on the other hand, are perhaps closer to the point of settling down. So you are putting your heart on the line with this chick because it's likely she'll ultimately break it, chew it up and spit it out. Ladies this age, again...no matter how mature they seem, are very fickle and prone to rapid changes in feelings.

 

On the other hand, oddsmakers would probably give you a five percent chance of this making it to the finish line. If there is a certain chemistry and she has been worked over by guys her age, which happens all the time, you may be a welcome relief. If you actually get good conversation and companionship and she as well, it could work. You just have to be prepared to take the stares and heat from your co-workers and the townspeople. And don't get embarassed when some ask if she's your daughter.

 

In ten years, she will be 26 and you will be 38. At that time, the age difference won't seem so pronounced and will be far more acceptable to others. But will you still be acceptable to her? She to you? Will she be wondering what she missed out on? Will both of you have grown in the same direction? Will your intellectual levels still be similar? Will she resent having entered into a serious relationship so early without exploring the world?

 

You seem to have thought this out well so why not try to give it a go if you're willing the pay the price and take the risks. I mean this love business is risky even when circumstances are much more favorable.

 

My recommendation is to enjoy the relationship one day at a time, not care about what others think, be considerate of her feelings and age, talk things out very carefully each step of the way, and hope for the best. (And keep some bubble gum handy in your pocket)

[Nicky]

It sounds like you have analyzed this pretty well and know enough of the pros and cons to make your own decision. This sort of thing happens every day. It is not disgraceful for any older man to fall for a young girl. To the outside world, it looks like you are "robbing the cradle" but you seem to have genuine feelings for her and that's what counts. Chances are excellent that no matter how mature she seems, her age dictates that she has a lot of roaming to do before she settles down. You, on the other hand, are perhaps closer to the point of settling down. So you are putting your heart on the line with this chick because it's likely she'll ultimately break it, chew it up and spit it out. Ladies this age, again...no matter how mature they seem, are very fickle and prone to rapid changes in feelings. On the other hand, oddsmakers would probably give you a five percent chance of this making it to the finish line. If there is a certain chemistry and she has been worked over by guys her age, which happens all the time, you may be a welcome relief. If you actually get good conversation and companionship and she as well, it could work. You just have to be prepared to take the stares and heat from your co-workers and the townspeople. And don't get embarassed when some ask if she's your daughter. In ten years, she will be 26 and you will be 38. At that time, the age difference won't seem so pronounced and will be far more acceptable to others. But will you still be acceptable to her? She to you? Will she be wondering what she missed out on? Will both of you have grown in the same direction? Will your intellectual levels still be similar? Will she resent having entered into a serious relationship so early without exploring the world? You seem to have thought this out well so why not try to give it a go if you're willing the pay the price and take the risks. I mean this love business is risky even when circumstances are much more favorable. My recommendation is to enjoy the relationship one day at a time, not care about what others think, be considerate of her feelings and age, talk things out very carefully each step of the way, and hope for the best. (And keep some bubble gum handy in your pocket)

Hi there,

 

Actually, I do have one reservation about this. You seem a considerate guy, and not setting out to use her, or you wouldn't be bothering asking for our opinion!

 

However, she may look and act every part a woman, AND some, but she is only sixteen. She looks like a woman, but relationship-wise and emotionally she is still quite a girl.

 

You have probably had years of relationship experience. In addition she sounds infatuated. This puts the power in your hands. You could well be running the show, and she could be in a relationship where she is too young to have enough strength of character to know what she wants and stand up to you. You will seem like a big strong "MAN" to her. Will she be assertive enough, given her infatuation, to go at her own pace or even know what that is?

 

I'm not suggesting that you would knowingly force her into anything. However by your age, you are used to the form and speed relationships take. She won't be. She's probably had a few high-school relationships, and we all know the difference between those with our peers at school, and relationships we have later as adults. It can be a completely different ball-game.

 

For all the woman she looks, she could still very much be a little girl inside.

 

So just something to perhaps bear in mind.

 

All the best.

[Sula]

Hey Chris,

 

When I was 18 I dated a 28 yr. old. He was a very sweet, nice guy, but it just didn't work. We got along great as friends with that flirtation going, but once we started dating, it just didn't seem to fit. His lifestyl and what he wanted were completely different from mine. I was jsut starting to do the things that young people do in college, he was in graduate school. So, it's not alwas about the attraction, but how similar your lifestyl is that determines the satisfaction level of a relationship.

 

On the other hand, my mother was 19 when she married my father who was 41. They met when she was 16. They have been married for almost 30 years this past march. So sometimes you can make it work. (this usually works if one or both of the partners are not American...for some reason, the way our value system is design, it doesn't usually work out)

 

It's your decision. You should just be aware that she is going through a lot of life changes right now. Think back to when you were 16. you woul have been thrilled if an attractive older woman had taken a liking to you. But would you have been able to deal with her lifestyle? Living by herslef, of drinking age, paying taxes, paying rent/mortgage, worrying about all the little details in life while you live with your parents still, and still have your laundry done for you and meals cooked?

 

Here's the deal. If someone is flirting with you inappropriately (I won't even get into dating someone you work with...I've done that as well and it was UGLY after the breakup having to see them) you set boundaries. Smile, be firm in your friendliness not flirtatiousness. Don't amek eye contact too long and mention someone that you're dating. Please! Boundaries must be set even if you do start seeing her because at 16 she won't realize displays of affetion on any intimate level are inappropriate for any workplace.