...My BF has coworker that tells him she wants to F**K him, etc +++

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

My boyfriend has a coworker that is in her 40's. He is 21. One of his coworkers and he used to talk/contact each other a lot in the summer and when he and I first started dating. She has always told him things such as, "I want to **** you", etc. I think this is really inappropriate since we are dating. The other day she sent him this message:

 

"noooooo....I had IMed YOU and you didn't answer, so I got up and looked in your office to see if YOU were there; and you were, so when I came back to my desk I had that flirty look all over my face and the kid at the circulation desk thought I was flirting with him...then he needed help, and that's when I made a fool of myself because I couldn't concentrate to find his stupid book...

 

good luck on your finals. I hope you can concentrate between thoughts of your lover."

 

 

She sent him this message through messenger at work. He sent me this message while I was on AIM. He thought it was funny, but I really don't. I think he should tell her to stop doing this and that it is inappropriate since we are in a relationship. I told him yesterday that I felt this way and that I feel her relationship with him is entirely inappropriate.

 

He said that he does not feed into it. I told him I felt comfortable that they message back and forth during work, when she talks like that. In the beginning and middle of our relationship (we have only been together since August, dating since July), they chatted online and through Facebook quite a bit and sometimes he would send me things she said to him (about how she got horny when he wrote to her, and about how she wanted to **** him) and I think he thought I would find it amusing. At first, I felt uncomfortable to say anything, but now I think it is frustrating. When we first started dating, he basically fed into it by telling her to come over before she left on vacation and she said no because she "didn't trust [her] thoughts". He also would tell her he was working out, etc.

 

Another thought I had is, what if by this comment:

good luck on your finals. I hope you can concentrate between thoughts of your lover." she made implied that he hoped he concentrate in between thoughts of her.

 

What do you think of this? Supposedly they do not talk often anymore.

 

I am frustrated because I have spent almost $150 on X-mas gifts on my BF. I love him very much but this situation has always weirded me out. I do not want to break up with him during X-mas.

 

I brought it up calmly to him last night. All I said was that I was uncomfortable with the comments she was making and that by not telling her it was inappropriate, he is basically implying it is okay. I said that it makes me feel as if he doesn't validate our relationship when he does not tell her it is inappropriate. He said that he wanted me to trust him but he could see from my side. I do not know what will happen. He told me I should send her a message but I said I do not want to feel as if I am getting involved as it is not my place. He said he would send her a message on facebook.

[D-Lish]

I think I'd be pissed at him for encouraging it when he is with you.

 

I am sure he finds it flattering, but it's highly inappropriate.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I am really irritated about it. I almost assume that he is flirting back. Why would she be talking to a wall? They used to chat for a long time on the Internet during the summer and she would make insinuations at that time. I have almost thought that maybe I should send her a message asking her about the situation and if she says anything about it that is negative, then I will know the truth. He won't admit that he finds it flattering. I don't understand why he would still contact her/be friends on Facebook/be friends if he didn't.

[D-Lish]

I think I'd be addressing it with him, not her. You're right, she wouldn't have been doing this for so long if she didn't have the encouragement.

 

I'd be irritated enough to let him have it big time. I also wouldn't be able to trust him knowing they share exchanges.

 

I'm not sure why he forwards you her messages unless he is purposely trying to make you jealous.

 

I'd be laying down the law... and if it continues, I'd leave due to trust issues.

[johan]

Your guy is young and short on clues. If he's expressed his commitment to you, then it is contradictory to have interactions like he's having with other women. Online, at work, and wherever else. He may be dedicated in his heart to you, but he has some kind of weakness of character that causes stuff like this to happen.

 

From now and for some time to come, you will feel like this off and on. Your best hope, if you want to be with him, is to resign yourself to teaching him how important it is to enforce his boundaries, and also to respect the boundaries of your relationship. It's clearly unacceptable, according to you, for him to violate the boundaries himself. But it's equally unacceptable for him to allow others to violate them.

 

He needs to be stronger and wiser. Or else he's deceiving you. Not sure which. Probably both.

 

Good luck.

[burning 4 revenge]

Is she a hot forties?

[johan]

I should have said "maybe both."

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Yes, I think he has issues with boundaries. I have had several men hit on me since we have been together. I don't tell him about every instance because it's not necessary; I make it extremely clear that I have a boyfriend and that I'm not interested. I do not keep in contact with the men that hit on me. They don't have an interest in continuing hitting on me because I made it so evident that I am with someone and won't play their game.

[Angel1111]

This is the same guy that you said his exes have abused him, the same guy who has issues about women, the same guy who indirectly controls your behavior through benevolent manipulation.

 

Quite simply, this guy is an idiot.

 

He knows what he's doing, he knows that he's encouraging this stupid woman, and he's telling you about it as a power play. The minute you break up with him (if you do), he'll be in bed with her - telling her about how you abused him and how angry her IM's made you. The whole stupidity of you getting involved and writing to her isn't even worth commenting on. And if he truly is this clueless, which I totally doubt, do you really want to be with a guy that you have to continually explain the fundamentals to, over and over again?

 

I lost respect for this guy a long time ago. Get through the holidays and figure out why you're with this guy.

[Geishawhelk]

B2Black, I hate to seem harsh, but the biggest idiot in this whole sad sorry scenario - is you.

 

You're being dragged pillar to post by the nose by someone who frankly, is worthless.

And you're letting him do it.

Willingly and happily.

How do I know that?

because inspite of the times you have agreed you should kick him to the kerb, you keep flapping about his issues.

And frankly, they're mounting up so hig, you'll never scratch the surface in two lifetimes.

So:

 

Why not tell us about your issues?

Dependency?

Low self-esteem?

Poor judgement?

Being needy?

 

Because by staying with him, that's all you manifest.

 

Get a grip.

 

And let go.

[Diamonds&Rust]

He knows what he's doing, he knows that he's encouraging this stupid woman, and he's telling you about it as a power play.

Exactly. OP, why haven't you called him out on that?

 

He's making you obsess over it (over him, get it?) and then when you ask why he says because he thought it would AMUSE you? Ask yourself what indication you have given that boundary issues amuse you. He's not dense, he's manipulative.

[carhill]

Hey, Xmas is a great time to break up with him. Then he can f*ck her under the mistletoe

 

OP, he's not a man yet, rather a boy with man parts. Nothing wrong with that. It just comes with limitations.

 

BTW, if they're using work computers and doing this (either sending or reading) on work time, it's possible the company might own and have access to that information. Depends on company policies. Maybe HR might want to know who's sending "F me" messages on their computer system. Ouch

 

Anyway, dump him. Give those nice presents to someone deserving of your love and generosity.

[Trialbyfire]

b2b, where there's smoke, there's fire. Guys that need their...egos stroked like this are a dime a dozen on cyberspace. Set your boundaries, then enforce them by walking away if he doesn't freeze her out. Enough is enough.

[LucreziaBorgia]

What do you think of this?

 

That they mutually get off on the attention, and that there is more to it than he is letting on.

[Lucky_One]

You had best watch out! He is working with Lizzie!

 

:D

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

That they mutually get off on the attention, and that there is more to it than he is letting on. [/Quote]

 

As in cheating?

 

B2Black, I hate to seem harsh, but the biggest idiot in this whole sad sorry scenario - is you. [/Quote]

 

It's okay. I know that I keep approaching these boards with problems. I do not want to talk to anyone about this outside of an online scenario, because one of my friends in particular is really frustrated with me about this.

 

Why not tell us about your issues?

Dependency?

Low self-esteem?

Poor judgement?

Being needy? [/Quote]

 

I think that I have low self-esteem and that I am insecure about myself as a person. I am working on this as I see a therapist for these problems.

[Trialbyfire]

Everytime I open this thread to read the updates, the driving bass lines from the old classic "Barracuda" by Heart, come to mind.

 

It's one thing if your b/f is interested in this woman and another if she just keeps coming onto him. She's forty-ish and should know better than to come onto a pup who's not terribly interested. For that matter, same goes for any age.

 

Don't people have any dignity?

[LucreziaBorgia]

They may not have actually had intercourse or even kissed, but they clearly are lovers in each others minds. I think that is just as bad. Worse, even. They probably enjoy being on each others sexual pedestals, while being content with never actually letting reality shatter the illusion they have built between themselves.

 

That is why your bf is reluctant to give her up. Not because he wants her, but because of how she makes him feel about himself. You see all of his flaws, and in the fantasy they have between themselves, there are no flaws. Just sexual tension, mystery, etc.

 

I guess it is sort of like relationship Disneyworld: fun to visit, but clearly not reality, and not somewhere you'd want to live.

 

Harmless? I don't think so. Allowing someone into your life like that causes you to funnel all of your best traits and behaviors to someone else, while allowing resentment and boredom to creep into your primary relationship.

 

That is why people expose affairs. When you strip away the artifice, the reality of the situation is not enough to hold in most cases. I'm not saying to expose, but your bf needs to be the one to set a boundary: no more personal interaction of any kind. Period.

 

Until he does, you can expect that she isn't going anywhere.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

LMAO. "Barracuda"!

 

I do not know the situation. I know he used to feed into it when we first started dating and he would tell me some of the things he would say. For instance, he would tell her that he was working out and worked on his abs that day. Things like that. And tell me the things she said to him. I ignored it f or awhile and now am addressing it.

 

Honestly, there is another part to this story that you do not know. I didn't want to disclose it due to privacy reasons. My older brother is his professor so it makes it a very complicated situation. He has known my boyfriend for four years and plays music with him all the time. I am worried that if we do not make it, it will create awkwardness all around. I do not want my brother to have to deal with that. I don't want anyone assuming that a grade he gets is because of anything that happened between us, even though my brother would never do that. He is not teaching him next semester. It just makes it an awkward situation all around. I did not meet my boyfriend until the summer, although I had seen him before. We had never talked directly until that time. I feel that my relationship with my brother will be strained after this and I will not be able to see his performances every week anymore since my bf will be there. It just makes the whole thing very messy. I do not want that part of my life to be gone and I do not want my family life to become a mess.

 

My bf told me last night that he sent the lady a message on Facebook saying to stop talking to him that way because it was making himself and myself uncomfortable. I guess she has yet to respond. It is odd to me that she hasn't responded yet because it seems like something she would immediately respond to. I know this sounds a bit awful but I feel as if I need a large reason for a break up sometimes, especially in this situation because it is awkward. I almost want to send this lady a message and ask if she received my boyfriends message. If he did not send her one, then I have a big enough reason. I know how that sounds. It sounds really bad, but my family loves my BF (I do, too obviously) and my brother is his professor. I can't just randomly do this.

[Geishawhelk]

Two comments:

(1) His situation with your older brother is his problem.

If he fails, it's his fault, and nothing to do with you.

If you can talk to your older bro' about this, so much the better.

Your relationship has nothing to do with him, and I would hope he wouldn't want you to do anything to compromise yourself just for the benefit of his prof/student relationship.

 

You have to stop making excuses, and making allowances for him.

The more you do that, the less he will ever do for himself.

 

(2) "large reason to break up...."? :confused:

 

 

How much larger a reason do you need?

For him to screw someone infront of you?

For him to knock seven bells out of you?

 

......Isn't all the stuff you've brought here, "large" enough - ?!?

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

Geishawalk,

 

I understand what you are saying. I guess I feel that it is not completely a good enough reason because supposedly they haven't been in extreme correspondence for awhile. But I now, against the better of my judgment, I am sending her a message on Facebook right now asking if she received a message from my BF and telling her to please stop with the inappropriateness. If my suspicions that he did not send the message are confirmed, I will be done.

[LakesideDream]

I am frustrated because I have spent almost $150 on X-mas gifts on my BF. I love him very much but this situation has always weirded me out. I do not want to break up with him during X-mas.

 

 

WoW! Almost $150.00? And now you are weirded out? How can you possibly get through the pain of financial loss? Are you sure you cannot return the gifts?

 

Even a 20% return fee is better than getting completely stiffed.

 

Take back the gifts, bite the bullet on the return fees and break up. Unless of course he spent maybe like ah... $175.00 on you, then you might want to give it more thought.

[Diamonds&Rust]

It seems plainly clear that you will make excuses for him no matter what. You will find a reason not to break up with him, because you would rather be mistreated than not be in a relationship at all.

 

I know that sounds cruel, but I'm not exaggerating. You let him treat you like dirt--you're a victim and he's already picked up on that, which is why he delights in showing you how he's hurting you.

 

I would suggest breaking up with him, but you'd take him back at the slightest apology, wouldn't you?

[Angel1111]

Geishawalk,

 

I understand what you are saying. I guess I feel that it is not completely a good enough reason because supposedly they haven't been in extreme correspondence for awhile. But I now, against the better of my judgment, I am sending her a message on Facebook right now asking if she received a message from my BF and telling her to please stop with the inappropriateness. If my suspicions that he did not send the message are confirmed, I will be done.

 

Don't expect an honest answer from a person who lives in the moral-free zone. She may tell you that she never received it, when she really did. Or she may tell you that she did receive it, when she did not, just to cover for him. I don't recommend sending the message to her. She will get a kick out of how the spotlight is suddenly on her. Just what she wanted, I suspect.

 

This 'reason' that you're looking for to break up with him will come about someday. For many, it would've already happened. But I'm certain that he'll just keep amping up his behavior until you decide that you can't deal with it any longer. I think the more you write about it here, the sooner you'll come to the realizations you need to come to. It takes time sometimes. You have to go at your own pace.

[RecordProducer]

I don't see the big deal. She is obviously not your competition and he's mocking her. Why would it bother you? If a woman who was twnety years older than my husband started saying nonsense like that to him and making a fool out of herself, I'd know that he sees her as a moron, even though I'd expect him to be nice to her.

 

It'd be a different story if I sensed that he might be attracted to the woman.