Unhappy & contimplating divorce

[afty]

What to do? I'm a 40 year old man - married 12 years with 2 beautiful children, 4 & 2. I guess I've realized that I wasn't "in-love" with my wife about 3 or 4 years after being married. I love her but not in the way I feel "love" should be. We don't fight, but then again we just sorta co-exist, we don't have deep conversations or connect in any "special" way. We've just gone through the days, months years...being there. We've had fun together - we're "comfortable" I guess. She stays home with our kids, I work and pay the bills, and the world goes around. Our sex life is non-existant and to be fair - it's more me than her. I don't find myself sexually attracted to her at all!! We haven't had a deep meaning full kiss in over 10 years - the sparks just aren't there.

 

I can't say that I've been perfect - I know I'm not, and over the 12 years I have had a fling on and off with a friend (she's not married). I've always justified it as just sex (I know that's such a guy thing) - but it really always has been just that. Over the past 10 years we've gotten together maybe 15 times, so it's not like we've been hooking up on a regular basis by any means. I guess my point to stating all this is that I've always kept things in perspective - and that I've never got attached to her because of having sex.

 

I have however become friends with woman that works for the same company I work for. We became friends, talking, emailing...nothing serious. Over time she's become a person I could confide in and she in I, during this time I never thought of her as anything more than that!!!!

 

Although I found her attractive, I never thought more would come from it...but it has. On occasion we had the oppurtunity to work in the same office...and over time it seemed apparant that she liked me and I her. At this point - I was imagining that it would be friends with benefits type of thing if anything became of it. (again I know how bad that makes me sound).

 

We did start seeing each other...meeting when we could. But it was weird, it became clear that it wasn't about sex....we enjoyed being with each other, whether it was just talking, meeting for drinks, or just being with each other holding hands. We just get each other - we have the same interests, we talk about anything and everything.

 

We find ourselves thinking about each other all the time, wanting to be with each other all the time!! And again it's not about sex...I'm old enough to realize that! I've never connected or felt this way about any person!

 

I realize that my wife has done nothing wrong - that this is my doing, and I can justify it any way I'd like - but that won't make it right!!! At the same time...do I just go on not being happy?? Going through the motions?

 

I've thought through the ramifications of divorce, the pain that it will cause not only my wife but my kids as well....do I just stay? And wonder would could have been? At the same time - I think my wife deserves better than me. Someone that will love her the way she should be loved.

 

I just know deep down - that I'm not that person.

 

Thanks for listening....

[Geishawhelk]

One:

If you knew you didn't love your wife, then why on earth did you ever have children with her?

 

Two:

Do her a big favour, confess you don't love her, and divorce.

It will be a lot less painful to be honest with her, and let her go (therefore giving her an opportunity to find happiness for herself) rather than live a sham, false, deceitful life which only complicates matters and digs bigger holes.

 

Three:

It's better for children to have 2 happy divorced parents, than a unified, miserable couple, where their father lies, cheats and generally makes sure he's getting what he wants, while their mother sits at home, oblivious to her husband's wanderings.

 

 

And by the way:

You ARE that person.

if you weren't, you'd have done the right thing long ago, instead of siring two children with a woman you don't love.

 

Stop shilliy-shallying and step up to the plate, and do the Right Thing.

Just for once.

 

But have the decency to do it after Christmas.

[nittanylion]

No wonder why you and your wife not working out. Your focused (dick) is some where else. Man, you are a disgraced husband. If I were her, I will kick you to the curb. Cheating on her is so not fking rite at all, and not the solution to the problem. You are a selfish person. You dont understand the concept of marriage. Why get marry in the first place? Now, its too late to work thing outs. I think its too much resentment ,and a little too late to save this relationship. I think its better off that you not be with her cause the relationship is doomed. I hope everything works out for you but it appears unlikely according to your situation.

[Geishawhelk]

Ah.

Hang on:

Misread the "I am not that person" bit.

 

I stand corrected.

You're right, you're NOT that person.

 

But you haven't been for a long time.

 

Tell me again why you think it was ok to actually deceive her for 9 years or so, AND have children, so that in essence, you have messed up 3 innocent lives?

 

Look, I know we're being harsh here, but sometimes, "telling it like it is" shocks people out of that 'rabbit in headlights' torpor they lull themselves into.

 

You knew - you knew - ages ago that things weren't right.

 

You really are a bit of a jackass, to have let it get to this point.

 

Divorce is something people do get through, and get over.

You're going to have to find it within yourself to show your wife the kind of respect and affection you're showing the OW, to be fair, kind and decent to her, and cut her loose.

 

Do you think you can do that?

 

Because really, you actually do have no other option.

[carhill]

We find ourselves thinking about each other all the time, wanting to be with each other all the time!! And again it's not about sex...I'm old enough to realize that! I've never connected or felt this way about any person!

 

Not even your wife prior to/at the time of marriage?

 

If so, you learned something.

 

I'll tell you, I knew what that was like prior and still got married to someone who didn't inspire me that way. So, don't beat yourself up too much. But, yeah, stop ignoring and abandoning your wife. Man up, have an honest conversation with her, and put the office woman on hold for now. If you and she do have an honest connection, an A will screw it up beyond belief.

 

So, stop the emotional and/or physical affair first, then be honest with your wife, both about it and your feelings and perspective regarding your marriage. Listen to hers. Ask her what she wants to do. Expect unpleasantness. Understand that the process will take time.

 

Since there's no real good reason to upset your family at the holidays, this is the perfect time to end the affair and give yourself a month or so of NC to clear the fog. Then, proceed

[ReeWoo]

What to do? I'm a 40 year old man - married 12 years with 2 beautiful children, 4 & 2. I guess I've realized that I wasn't "in-love" with my wife about 3 or 4 years after being married. I love her but not in the way I feel "love" should be. We don't fight, but then again we just sorta co-exist, we don't have deep conversations or connect in any "special" way. We've just gone through the days, months years...being there. We've had fun together - we're "comfortable" I guess. She stays home with our kids, I work and pay the bills, and the world goes around. Our sex life is non-existant and to be fair - it's more me than her. I don't find myself sexually attracted to her at all!! We haven't had a deep meaning full kiss in over 10 years - the sparks just aren't there.

 

I can't say that I've been perfect - I know I'm not, and over the 12 years I have had a fling on and off with a friend (she's not married). I've always justified it as just sex (I know that's such a guy thing) - but it really always has been just that. Over the past 10 years we've gotten together maybe 15 times, so it's not like we've been hooking up on a regular basis by any means. I guess my point to stating all this is that I've always kept things in perspective - and that I've never got attached to her because of having sex.

 

I have however become friends with woman that works for the same company I work for. We became friends, talking, emailing...nothing serious. Over time she's become a person I could confide in and she in I, during this time I never thought of her as anything more than that!!!!

 

Although I found her attractive, I never thought more would come from it...but it has. On occasion we had the oppurtunity to work in the same office...and over time it seemed apparant that she liked me and I her. At this point - I was imagining that it would be friends with benefits type of thing if anything became of it. (again I know how bad that makes me sound).

 

We did start seeing each other...meeting when we could. But it was weird, it became clear that it wasn't about sex....we enjoyed being with each other, whether it was just talking, meeting for drinks, or just being with each other holding hands. We just get each other - we have the same interests, we talk about anything and everything.

 

We find ourselves thinking about each other all the time, wanting to be with each other all the time!! And again it's not about sex...I'm old enough to realize that! I've never connected or felt this way about any person!

 

I realize that my wife has done nothing wrong - that this is my doing, and I can justify it any way I'd like - but that won't make it right!!! At the same time...do I just go on not being happy?? Going through the motions?

 

I've thought through the ramifications of divorce, the pain that it will cause not only my wife but my kids as well....do I just stay? And wonder would could have been? At the same time - I think my wife deserves better than me. Someone that will love her the way she should be loved.

 

I just know deep down - that I'm not that person.

 

Thanks for listening....

 

 

Aren't you, like, married and have 2 kids, a home, 2 cars and a long standing marriage?

 

What was your complaint again? ahh oh yeah, some other woman that wants what your wife has worked hard for. IMO, your new GF is lacking and wants someone else's fruits.

[PinkOrchid]

There are many people here who have criticized your actions, and I'm not sure if that is really the goal of the forum since you came here for advice.

 

I'm no angel - I've cheated on my husband of 6 years after 3 years of no sex.

 

A loveless marriage is something difficult to endure. But there is no guarantee that your life will improve or be wonderful with this new woman you've met. Sparks die, and most marriages become bland. So, after a while, a relationship with your co-worker may no longer satisfy you either.

 

I think you have to ask yourself if you'd be happier alone than in your marriage. What is your answer?