Is it worth waiting for him to make up his mind?

[Sunshine11]

My boyfriend and I have been together almost two years. I'm 27 this week, and he's 31. We're both in professional school.

 

We love each other, and envision our lives together, each on our own terms. But his ideal isn't mine, and if we stay together, we'll have to compromise.

 

1) He's not willing to choose between me and a limitless career yet. (The limits pertain to where we live, and he's not willing yet to forego any opportunities based on locations I am not willing to live in.) Based on our schooling and career schedules, it could take up to seven years before he makes up his mind. I am willing to give up my dreams of where I do my training to be with him, since they aren't as important to me as they are to him, but I do not want to give these up if he is ultimately going to choose to live somewhere I am not willing to.

 

2) I am starting to develop feelings for other people, and I've talked to him about this, and we don't know what to do about it. But it's driving me nuts. They mostly revolve around someone I see Monday through Friday, and who already has a girlfriend. I am completely faithful to my boyfriend, but I feel horrible for having a crush on anyone else. It's been going on for about six months, and I don't know what to do or think about it.

 

Our relationship has its weaknesses, but for the most part we have a great relationship, we love each other, we don't fight, we talk through things, and we want to be together.

 

I'd love objective opinions about both of the above issues--what do I do about my crush? and how long do I wait for my boyfriend?

[cybersister]

I do not think you do anything about your crush EXCEPT see it for what it is- a huge warning signal. Something is wrong in your relationship.

Sounds like you have different priorities- and that is not something that is likely to go away with time. IF he puts his career first now, why would he change. Are you willing to always tag along putting your career second or having your relationship long distance ?

[Geishawhelk]

I'm afraid I agree with Cybersis....

The man seems unable to consider a compromise, and asking you to comply with his wishes seems to be very egocentric.

I think it's very important to put your all into a career that means a lot to you, to be devoted to youir work, and have ambition.

But in all honesty, there has to be a reasonable amount of flexibility when there is a partner on the scene.

All things being equal, it's clear to see he doesn't think you are.

 

The fact that you are even remotely drawn to eyeing somebody else up is a major red flag.

Were the devotion and good nature of your relationship really as strong as you say, this thought would not even be waiting for the green man, to cross your mind.

I think you two need to talk.

If he is so set in his ways that he is not able to even see the possibility of a compromise, regarding professional location - you have a sad time ahead of you.

[Sunshine11]

I see what both of you are saying--I totally appreciate your candidness. As far as the crush goes, I've been trying to identify what is missing in our relationship, and I have one idea, but it seems really hard for him to address it, but we're going to work on it. And as far as compromising goes, he isn't yet choosing to not compromise in favor of his potential career; it's that he isn't ready to choose yet. So I just don't know how long to wait--I won't change my life, and live out the rest of my child-bearing years, only to find out he chooses the one career path I won't tag along with. I'm also a bit frustrated, because he can have a great career elsewhere; he just isn't ready to close off 'the sky's the limit' yet.

[Geishawhelk]

Hmmmmm....

"I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...."

 

 

he isn't yet choosing to not compromise in favor of his potential career; it's that he isn't ready to choose yet.

Read:

"I haven't decided yet where my career is going to take me. You'll just have to put any plans you have on hold", no hang on.... "on a back burner"...no.... Ah. I get it. "You'll just have to not make any plans at all, until I've decided what I want. Don't know when that will be, but I'll let you know when I do. In the meantime, hang around."

 

I won't change my life, and live out the rest of my child-bearing years, only to find out he chooses the one career path I won't tag along with.

 

How long do you know your child-bearing years are going to be?

How long are you prepared to wait, before you decide whether to go along with his decision or not?

Are you giving it a finite period?

I think you should.

I would give him a month to make his mind up.

You think that's unreasonable and unrealistic?

 

Ok, yes, possibly.

But -

Is it any less unreasonable and unrealistic than what he's asking of you?

 

I have one idea, but it seems really hard for him to address it, but we're going to work on it.

 

Seems to be having a hard time addressing a few things, doesn't he?

[Lauriebell82]

The crush is a sign that you are not getting what you need out of your relationship. Maybe you are even starting to resent him for not "making up his mind?"

 

I'm in kind of the same situation you are (waiting for boyfriend to make up mind about marriage) and I know how hard it is. Personally I don't think either of you should give up your dreams for one another. Compromise on how you can make both of your dreams come true! If you don't then you will both end up resenting each other horribly. That won't be a happy marriage. I would set a deadline and then if he hasn't made up his mind by a particular date then speak with him about your future. I would not suggest an ultimatum, but let him know how serious you are about this and whether or not you two have a future.