He said to never call him again....

[Mending1985]

My ex has forced NC on me for good. He told me to "F*** off and never contact me again, I want nothing to do with you anymore"

 

I understand why, I was drunk and he came to get me, and I basically called him names, said some really nasty things, and I think I tried to attack him physically. I had had way too much to drink (not that it's an excuse) and I wasn't aware of HOW drunk I actually was at the time.

 

I know I have to leave him alone now, and I'm trying - I haven't tried to call/text/email him since he asked me not to, but wow - it's really difficult. I'm at work and just had to run to the toilet because I couldn't hold back tears anymore.

 

My friends all tell me this WILL get easier over time, and I'm better off without him, but my God - there has to be an easier way to do this, or some way to stop it hurting.

 

I just want to call him and know that he's talking to me again.

 

But he will not answer, I know that for a fact.

 

Anyone else's ex told them that was it? How did you deal because I feel like I'm falling apart.

[gd26]

Hi Mending, I remember writing to you about 4 months ago... when you were telling us about drunk dialing your ex. I am guessing this is the same guy.

 

Please get help for your alcohol addictions. Alcohol has been seriously affecting your ability to cope with your feelings for your ex(es). I don't have issues with people who want an occasional glass of wine, etc... but clearly moderation doesn't seem to be working for you. I think you need to stop drinking once and for all. No more alcohol,... not for many years at minimum. You seem to lose your senses when you start drinking, and that has to stop.

 

Now to the ex... I am sure all your contact with him has to be killing your self-esteem. You might be a nice person with many positive qualities... but when you are chasing down this guy, neither you nor he get to see how great you are. Instead, he sees (and you see in yourself) how out of control you are. It must make you feel horrible.

 

My first suggestion for you would be to make a committment to get the alcohol out of your life. Find a support group if you need help in doing this, and do NOT go back. Once the alcohol has been removed from the picture, the next step is to see what you can do to improve your self-esteem. You obviously don't value yourself enough, else you wouldn't be running after a men who have told you numerous times that they don't want you. You have to take charge and start loving yourself more.

 

When you run behind this man, what is it that you REALLY want? Probably to be loved, nurtured, valued, cherished, admired... right? But this man isn't giving you any of those things. He just makes you feel rejected all over and over again. Then you only feel worse about yourself, and even more out of control and bad about yourself. Those bad feelings keep you from contacting him for awhile... but later those same feelings of longing resurface, and you contact him again only to feel the same pain over. You can't keep putting yourself through this... you have to break the cycle. He isn't giving you any of the love you want. That love and strength has to be found within you. You can also see if there are any family or friends who can support you to feeling good about yourself. You may also need the support of a therapist as well.

 

I think you need to do a lot of soul searching here. Why do you think you aren't good enough to get real love? Why do you keep going back to a man who doesn't care about you... instead of finding another one who will? Why is winning this man's approval so important? What do you feel is lacking in you? Once you think about what is lacking in you, can you find a way to get those qualities to make yourself whole?

 

Although I hope you never contact this man again, I can't make you stop. Only you can make yourself stop. Once you love yourself enough, you would never want to call him anyways.

[Mending1985]

Thanks for replying - but I really don't have a problem with alcohol, because if I did - I'm pretty sure my therapist would know.

 

I've been drunk 3 times in the last 12 months, and 2/3 times I called him. The other time I was fine.

 

Please don't assume people have addictions - I don't know if you realise just how offensive it is.

 

Thanks for the rest of the advice.

[gd26]

Sure. I hope you feel better soon, and find someone much more loving. Best wishes.

[D-Lish]

Thanks for replying - but I really don't have a problem with alcohol, because if I did - I'm pretty sure my therapist would know.

 

I've been drunk 3 times in the last 12 months, and 2/3 times I called him. The other time I was fine.

 

Please don't assume people have addictions - I don't know if you realise just how offensive it is.

 

Thanks for the rest of the advice.

 

If you didn't have a problem with the effing alcohol, it doesn't sound like you would be here right now.

 

You may have "physically assaulted him?" but don't know.... Your words.

That's a problem. Doesn't matter if you get drunk once a year or twice in a lifetime- if you "assault" people when you drink, stop drinking- it's a problem.

 

How do I know?

Because I have done the whole wake up in the morning and not remembered how I treated someone. It may only occur once- but the other person remembers, trust me.

 

You were harsh on your respondent that was trying to help. I don't think you soaked anything up that you should have.

[Mending1985]

Oh thats helpful DLish. I was already feeling bad and you managed to jump on and just blame me for everything. Wow. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't BOTHER.

 

BTW, I read all of GD's post and it was good advice, I took it all in. Actually printed it out. All I took offence to was implying I was an alcoholic. The rest was great. Sorry I wasn't more enthusiastic with my thanks.

[IrishCarBomb]

Oh thats helpful DLish. I was already feeling bad and you managed to jump on and just blame me for everything. Wow. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't BOTHER.

 

BTW, I read all of GD's post and it was good advice, I took it all in. Actually printed it out. All I took offence to was implying I was an alcoholic. The rest was great. Sorry I wasn't more enthusiastic with my thanks.

 

You asked for advice. D-Lish offered advice. Are you just upset that you didn't hear what you wanted to hear? Good advice is often not what we want to hear, but what we need to hear.

[Geishawhelk]

Let's just point out here the difference between alcoholism, and alcohol dependency, as pointed out to me by a social worker and counsellor who works with people who drink:

 

A person who is defined as an alcoholic, takes a drink first thing in the morning, drinks surreptitiously during the day, can often hold their liquor quite well, but get drunk a lot, and destroy the lives of those around them.

 

A person who is defined as alcohol-dependent, can go days - weeks - months - without a drink, but once they begin to drink, don't realise they are over-consuming, don't seem to be able to stop, become quite dunk, quite quickly, and behave in a way that whilst sober, woul be utterly alien to them.

They often don't recollect events, and adversely affect the lives of those around them.

 

Mending, nobody's 'blaming you for everything'. It is being pointed out to you that alcohol affects your judgement, seriously, and that perhaps in that case it would be adviseable to refrain from drinking.

It transforms you into an irrational, unconscious person, and damages you, in all ways possible.

 

It certainly hasn't helped you, has it....?

 

There is no way your therapist would automatically know whether you have a problem with alcohol or not.

Firstly, it's not part of his or her job to 'know' that.

Secondly, they may suspect many things about their clients, but it's not their job to advise or tell their clients what to do.

It's their job to listen to you and guide you in your decisions.

Therapists are there to enable you to solve your own problems and manage your own life.

They're not there to 'cure' it for you.

 

Try not to be so prickly when people offer things for you here.

We're all simply people propping one another up.

Which can be hard, when what we offer gets bitten off at the wrist.