Engaged and Unsure

[NMGirl]

I am in my mid-30s and have been dating a guy for 3 years. Because of my age (I want to have kids) I told him that two years was my maximum limit for dating without begin engaged. At the end of two years, I was ready to get engaged, I was really in love with him. He said that he wanted to be with me too.

 

Then for the next year nothing happened and we were in a state of relationship limbo. We had talks or arguments almost monthly about when we were going to get engaged, usually ending with him saying he was "working on it." I even tried to ask him a few times. After around 6-7 months of this, I started to emotionally withdraw from the relationship.

 

He's younger than me and at the time I started to withdraw, he turned 30, which I think was a significant turning point for him. He asked me to marry him about a month ago. I had been planning to break up with him by the new year, so really I had one foot out the door.

 

I said yes, but I'm haunted by the fact that I don't have those "in love" feelings that I had 1yr-6 months ago. I feel like he killed off a piece of my heart by making me wait. I felt really rejected.

 

He is a great guy, responsible, good listener. We've talked about this and I've told him honestly that I am unsure, but think we can work it out in the next year- when our wedding would be. I said yes on the idea that if I really loved him once and wanted to marry him (which I did), then it will come back. Am I being selfish and resentful by holding a grudge about him not proposing "on time" or is this a sign that we're not "meant to be"?

[Lauriebell82]

I am sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds to me that you built up so much resentment with him not proposing that it ruined your whole proposal/engagement for you. If this isn't going to be a happy time for you then I suggest breaking things off. Please dont marry him if you resent him. I am struggling with the whole "my boyfriend isn't ready" thing, and building up resentment is not something I want to do. I understand how you feel, but if you really truely are withdrawaling from the relationship then getting married isn't the answer.

 

How did it come about that he proposed? Did he suddenly become ready?

[NMGirl]

I think he just needed more time to think it over. He is 4 years younger than me and I think after his 30th birthday, he was ready to "settle down."

 

It just sucks because basically since the day I met him, I was crazy about him. I don't want to be resentful or for this to ruin this time for us, but it just affected my heart. He has apologized and now understands that I felt a little hung out to dry while I was waiting for him to ask me.

 

I know everyone needs time to figure stuff out, I'm just hurt he wasn't on the same page with being head over heels with me when I was with him. I know that NOW he is 100% ready and wants to move forward.

 

Any thoughts?

[Lauriebell82]

I think he just needed more time to think it over. He is 4 years younger than me and I think after his 30th birthday, he was ready to "settle down."

 

It just sucks because basically since the day I met him, I was crazy about him. I don't want to be resentful or for this to ruin this time for us, but it just affected my heart. He has apologized and now understands that I felt a little hung out to dry while I was waiting for him to ask me.

 

I know everyone needs time to figure stuff out, I'm just hurt he wasn't on the same page with being head over heels with me when I was with him. I know that NOW he is 100% ready and wants to move forward.

 

Any thoughts?

 

So what is the issue then? I really can understand where you are coming from though, I am in the same situation. My BF however, says that he is ready and that he wants to surprise me but there is no proposal in sight. So I have no clue what to even make of that. I feel the same way that I am being hung out to dry, so to speak. The thing that I am trying to remember is that I am still young (26) and have plenty of time. So when he does propose I am unsure of what I am going to think, because I don't know if he actually was planning a surprise or just stalling. It sucks to be on two different pages in a relationship.

 

So since he assures you that he is 100 % ready is that enough for you? Can you forgive him for putting you off for so long? These are all questions that I am going to have to ask myself as well, so I am curious to hear your answers.

[keechie]

You have your doubts because you were ready for him way before he was, and like LB said, the resentment built up. You had your eyes set on a two year timeline, and when he didn't do it, you began to feel bad. And it's a perfectly valid response to feel disappointed when you were hoping for something to happen by a certain time.

 

But, if you want to be happy, you need to adopt a new perspective. IMHO, he sounds like he's being a typical guy. Three years isn't really that long in the grand scheme of things, and I read somewhere, (and I think it has been alluded to here by other posters too) that the average time for a guy to become ready to propose is like 3 years and 3 months.

 

I know you're concerned about not having fully that "lovey-dovey" feeling, but that's just hormones! Seriously, we think and act differently during like the first two years of a relationship. Things calm down after a couple years because if they didn't, we'd all go crazy. If you two had gotten married a year ago, the lovey-dovey feelings would have still subsided. It doesn't mean that there isn't a spark there still- it just means that you love each other with a more mature, deeper kind of love.

 

The other thing I wanted to mention is that the fact that he waited could be a good thing. He's had ample time to figure it out. He came to the conclusion that he loves you and doesn't want to lose you. That's a good thing! Wouldn't you rather want to marry someone with whom your love has been really tested? He's made up his mind after thinking it through thoroughly. That's definitely better than if he had proposed simply because he felt pressured to, and ended up with major doubts after you two were already married.

 

Anyway, I really do understand your frustration. I am in a relationship where I am definitely ready and he's not. We just hit our two year mark. I myself had the two year "ideal" when we first started dating, because I was convinced he was the one for me after like 6 months. But, guys take longer, and I am choosing to just enjoy the relationship. He has told me that 3 years is the ideal time he thinks couples should get engaged. So, I guess it's just a matter of perspective.

[Lauriebell82]

You have your doubts because you were ready for him way before he was, and like LB said, the resentment built up. You had your eyes set on a two year timeline, and when he didn't do it, you began to feel bad. And it's a perfectly valid response to feel disappointed when you were hoping for something to happen by a certain time.

 

But, if you want to be happy, you need to adopt a new perspective. IMHO, he sounds like he's being a typical guy. Three years isn't really that long in the grand scheme of things, and I read somewhere, (and I think it has been alluded to here by other posters too) that the average time for a guy to become ready to propose is like 3 years and 3 months.

 

I know you're concerned about not having fully that "lovey-dovey" feeling, but that's just hormones! Seriously, we think and act differently during like the first two years of a relationship. Things calm down after a couple years because if they didn't, we'd all go crazy. If you two had gotten married a year ago, the lovey-dovey feelings would have still subsided. It doesn't mean that there isn't a spark there still- it just means that you love each other with a more mature, deeper kind of love.

 

The other thing I wanted to mention is that the fact that he waited could be a good thing. He's had ample time to figure it out. He came to the conclusion that he loves you and doesn't want to lose you. That's a good thing! Wouldn't you rather want to marry someone with whom your love has been really tested? He's made up his mind after thinking it through thoroughly. That's definitely better than if he had proposed simply because he felt pressured to, and ended up with major doubts after you two were already married.

 

Anyway, I really do understand your frustration. I am in a relationship where I am definitely ready and he's not. We just hit our two year mark. I myself had the two year "ideal" when we first started dating, because I was convinced he was the one for me after like 6 months. But, guys take longer, and I am choosing to just enjoy the relationship. He has told me that 3 years is the ideal time he thinks couples should get engaged. So, I guess it's just a matter of perspective.

 

What a great post. Gave me some things to think about as well! I think that you are disappointed because you expected/hoped the proposal would be WAY before it was. I have been with my BF for 2 1/2 years, but chances are it probably won't happen until our 3 year anniversary. I've come to the conclusion that many guys just aren't ready in their 20's. They haven't "sewed their wild outs" yet or had time to really truely save money, as they are just getting stable in their career. My boyfriend will be 27 in March, which I'm hoping will snap him a little into gear, as I think that is a good age to get engaged.

 

Like Keechie said, would you have rather him proposed when he wasn't ready? I have asked myself this question on several occasions, and the answer in my head is always no. I wouldn't want him to feel that he had to propose me bc he thought he would lose me (I'm against ultimatums). I'm debating on whether or not to resign our lease in May. It will have been almost 3 years by that time, which I feel is enough time. I don't know how I will feel in May if he hasn't proposed..possibly like you do.

 

I don't neccessarily think that people lose their "lovey dovey" feelings for each other. I def. haven't lost them for my BF and we have been together for 2.5 years. It's true that the "newness" probably wore off, however the main issues does sound like resentment. I think you still love him, but he alientated you by "making you wait." So like Keechie said, you need to decide whether or not you can forgive him and move on to have a happy marriage. He is ready now, he asked you to marry him. He wanted to be sure, and now he is. So why not be happy that he came to his senses? At least he isn't continually stringing you on giving you excuse after excuse.

[keechie]

I don't neccessarily think that people lose their "lovey dovey" feelings for each other. I def. haven't lost them for my BF and we have been together for 2.5 years. It's true that the "newness" probably wore off, however the main issues does sound like resentment. I think you still love him, but he alientated you by "making you wait."

 

 

Haha, sorry. I should have been more clear in my words. I didn't mean that we lose our "lovey-dovey" feelings completely after a couple of years, as I still have them for my bf. I meant that we aren't all still crazy and giggly and puppies and rainbows after awhile. There's definitely the sweet little things that stay, (even my grandparents had that dynamic after 60 years of marriage.)

 

Perhaps the resentment that the OP feels clouds that lovey-dovey feeling moreso because she is feeling hurt still (which is okay, but she needs to allow herself to forgive and heal). In that case, I do believe it is possible to get that back, as long as she can forgive him and move forward, because then she'll start noticing those sweet little things when they do happen in a more optimistic light.

[Jo78]

Well, maybe you can try to think of this as him doing the two of you a favor. A study by Lawrence Kurdek in 1993 showed findings that suggest that the length of knowing each other prior to marrying is statistically significant in predicting the risk of divorce.

Meaning, couples who have known each other for a short time before tying the knot have a much higher risk of divorce than couples who have been together for a longer time. So what's the rush?

[NMGirl]

Thank you ALL so much. I'm floored by the really insightful responses. ALL of them have truly helped me think this through. Also, something strange happened to me that I didn't realize I needed....

 

I needed to hear from other girls in my situation. I needed to see that real couples have problems. I needed NOT to be compared to "Platinum Weddings" and all these other idealized standards of what a proposal "should" be.

 

I honestly feel better just knowing that there are other women in the same boat, struggling with the same issues. It actually helps alleviate part of the pain. I guess I was feeling that my proposal didn't "measure up" because of how long it took.

 

Alot of my girlfriends got engaged after HS/college or after only a few months of dating. It wasn't so bad waiting for the proposal, it's true. I think worrying about my biological clock got the best of me...

 

Thank you, I feel so lucky that you shared these insights!!

[NMGirl]

So insightful. Note to self: When in panic-mode with no perspective and comparing my life to a heavily produced romance movie, write to keechie!

[NMGirl]

Oh and sorry I didn't reply to LB: I think that I don't want to throw a WONDERFUL man away. I think that I'm going to try to just let it go and forgive him as best I can. It was MY expectation, but I wish he would have explained the fact that he wasn't ready instead of saying "I'm taking care of it." I really have no advice to give except ask your guy to be honest, be clear in telling him how the waiting makes you feel, and maybe let him know what your limits are.

 

I hope he is good to you because you seem like a very bright and kind woman, you deserve to be treated well and listened to. Let me know how it's going?? I'll post soon with any developments on my new strategy.

 

Keep the faith!

[Lauriebell82]

Oh and sorry I didn't reply to LB: I think that I don't want to throw a WONDERFUL man away. I think that I'm going to try to just let it go and forgive him as best I can. It was MY expectation, but I wish he would have explained the fact that he wasn't ready instead of saying "I'm taking care of it." I really have no advice to give except ask your guy to be honest, be clear in telling him how the waiting makes you feel, and maybe let him know what your limits are.

 

I hope he is good to you because you seem like a very bright and kind woman, you deserve to be treated well and listened to. Let me know how it's going?? I'll post soon with any developments on my new strategy.

 

Keep the faith!

 

I'm very glad that you are feeling better. I mean he DID come to senses. I don't think he deliberately meant to hurt you by saying "He'd take care of it." I know that response sucks, but I don't think guys intend to make their girlfriend's feel like crap when they say that. My friend said he probably says things like "it will be a suprise" or "it will happen when it's right" as a way of saying he'll propose when he is ready and has everything planned out. I don't think men realize that the kind of response they give effects their GF so much, and they feel that they are actually trying not to make them feel bad by saying that they don't want to marry them right now..but you know guys are clueless/dumb sometimes so they don't get that it triggers an opposite response.

 

I'm debating on having a convo with him because I think it may make him feel even more pressured to give me an answer. I'll let it go for now and possibly broach the subject in May '09 when our lease is up. That gives him a good 5 months to be absolutely sure and be 100 % ready to propose. It sucks waiting that long, but it's what I'll have to do if I want to marry him. Plus i wouldn't want him to propose if he really isn't sure.

 

So good luck, I will post with any updates as well!

[Lauriebell82]

NMgirl: I meant to ask, do you two live together? I know a lot of people will throw the whole "why buy the cow" crap, but honestly I don't believe that is the reason my boyfriend isn't ready. We wouldn't be engaged right now even if we didn't live together. Did you ever ask your fiance what was holding him back from marriage? Did he ever give you a valid reason? I'm just curious because I've never got any kind of reason the few times I have actually brought it up. Did your boyfriend talk about weddings and rings and other things when you weren't engaged, or was he just avoidant?

[bozwa]

Personally I feel he is not the one for you. If he is the "one", your life partner, your other half....those feelings of love wouldn't have melted away because you didn't get a silly piece of metal on your finger. I mean, really. You got into FIGHTS because he wasn't asking you to marry him yet? Think about it. That's ridiculous. Basically it sounds as if you pushed him into it; and who wants someone to marry them because they told him to or guilted him into it? You want to marry SOMEONE. You don't want to marry HIM. I apologize if this sounds bi*chy.

[Lauriebell82]

Personally I feel he is not the one for you. If he is the "one", your life partner, your other half....those feelings of love wouldn't have melted away because you didn't get a silly piece of metal on your finger. I mean, really. You got into FIGHTS because he wasn't asking you to marry him yet? Think about it. That's ridiculous. Basically it sounds as if you pushed him into it; and who wants someone to marry them because they told him to or guilted him into it? You want to marry SOMEONE. You don't want to marry HIM. I apologize if this sounds bi*chy.

 

Well, I don't know about this. The "melting feelings of love" ARE a little bit of a red flag, however I think that is not so much that she has lost love but that she has built up some resentment. Neither is good, however. In the defense of the OP, it's hard and frustrating to be with someone who isn't ready to get married. I don't think it means that she feels "he isn't the one" but I do think she let her desire to get married cloud her judgement and her feelings. So now that it has actually happened, it's NOT the joyous occasion that it is supposed to be.

[Tizzy]

I agree with bozwa, word for word. If you really cared for this guy and felt he is the one for you, you wouldn't have walked out on him and the relationship so easily or so quickly. The fact that you said you began to emotionally withdraw from the relationship after he didn't give in to your constant nagging about marriage after your preset 2-yr mark is downright scary. Is that the pattern of behavior your marriage would follow? You don't get what you want when you want and you're out?? Sounds like a blueprint for a rocky marriage.

[eclipseIDE]

So whats next? will you give him a timeline on when youre going to have kids and leave him if he doesnt follow your timeline?

 

If I was him I would be running away from you as fast as I could.