Sometimes she acts as if she wants to be married and other times doesn't.

[slashmw]

When I met my current girlfriend we instantly clicked. We moved in together only after a month or so of dating and have been happily living together for over 2 years. We hardly ever fight as I really make it easy to live with me. I am a man who has been properly trained. It is impossible for us to get along better we are litteraly each others best friends.

 

Ah, but the problem is she doesn't know what she wants. She changes her mind so often. Sometimes she acts as if she wants to be married and other times talks about not knowing what she wants. She graduated from college last spring and doesn't know what she wants to do with her life. We also talked lately about her spending more time with her friends. She works alot and misses doing things with other people besides me.

 

I am cool with her doing whatever she wants. I told her that she knows I love her and she could hang out with her friends and do whatever because I can't control her. If she wants to break up then I dont have a choice, if she wants to see someone else, its not my decision. So I trust her blindly knowing that worrying about her meeting someone else and falling for them I have no control. I cannot treat any better than I do, I know that and she knows that. Its nothing I do if she were to leave.

 

The main problem is that I think what would be good for her is if we took a break and she could have time to see what she would be missing. The problem is we live together and its more like a divorce than a break. Neither of us can afford rent on our own so its a huge deal to take a break. I'm afraid that the whole thing will however mess everything up creating all sorts of new problems like jealousy and mistrust. In an ideal world she could go off and figure things out for herself but thats not going to happen.

 

I also should mention that this same thing happened around the same time last year. I told her we've been together so long that I either want to know we are going to get married and be together or just end it. I don't want to be strung along while she makes up her mind. I meet many women on a daily basis that I could date. I dont want to because I'd rather be with the girl i love, but if I have to be single again I'd like to get started and stop wasting time.

 

We both love each other very much, and she is happy with me, but she is confused. Time apart would probably be best but like I said we live together so that would be rather difficult. I dont want to rush her by asking her to decide before she is ready to move on, but I also dont want to wait around while oppourtunities to meet other people pass by. I'd say the chances of us splitting up are like 20% split up 80% stay together. It seems like she goes through these fazes at least once a year but I dont want to ask her to marry me till i know she is ready. i never thought I'd be ready before her. I dont know what she expects to find out there but I bet she would come back to me, the only problem is it might be too late. I could really see us getting married if she would decide its what she wants and she is ready, but I don't want to wait forever just to be screwed in the end. I'm 25 years old and these are prime years. I want to settle down but it doesn't matter what I want, what matters is "what does she want?"

 

So the question in all this is how long do I let this relationship go on while she trys to figure out what she wants.

[jenny]

hmm. this is a tough one. just some initial thoughts:

 

sometimes the difficulty with men who are extraordinarily well-trained is that it's hard to understand that they might really want a girl. we are used to 'claimers'. you are, indeed, living by her schedule and her needs, but this is a bit your own fault. i would say the same thing to a female, simply this: people need boundaries. if you'd like her to stop being so self-involved, you must tell her. you have a right to start your life.

 

be more difficult to live with: express what you want and see what happens. or. alternately, start behaving as she does and see what happens. but try something new; right now you are a victim and you don't need to be.

 

i hope you guys don't break up, and i don't think you will. but if you don't reclaim some power, this masochistic dynamic will increase and continue throughout your lives together.

 

i'm interested to see posters' points of view on this one.

 

best of luck to you, xox j

[slashmw]

thanks jenny. I do tell her exactly how i feel all the time. the problem is she isn't as open as i am emotionally. What i meant by i've been trained, is that I cook, and I clean most of the apt. because i have more time too. The thing is she works alot then gets home and its just me, she feels she never has time to be with friends. But the thing is thats not my fault. We get along so good we usually do everythig together, so i understand she needs space. I'm cool with her going out with her friends. I made it clear that i dont control what she does. if she wanted to go see another guy i cant control that, and i'm going to trust her. i dont think she would cheat on me because she isn't like that but if she did i know its not my fault.

 

The other night she went to her friends late at like 11pm. I knew she would be out late and it was kinda a big deal bc we never usually go out at night without each other. But i understood that she will do what she wants. I called her before i went to bed to see when she'd be home and she wouldn't anwer the phone only message me. When she got home she felt she had to lie to me about what she had been doing. She told me she stayed at her girlfriends house, even though i know that they went to anothers place. And after denying it very intensly she admitted she lied. I told her that i dont care what she does its up to her. If she wants to screw it up then i cant stop her nor will i. I treat her better than i bet 99% of boyfriends and husbands treat their women so I know if she screws it up, she's not the one for me. I believe that she is though, and i dont think she will do anything dramatic to screw it up. if anything she wants to window shop and acto single with her friends while she still has me. If you take me out of the equation, things change alot. But it sucks cause only time will tell. Like i said i wish we didn't live together at the moment, so we could just have a break. not bc either of us want to date others that bad, but to test it out.

[jenny]

babies,

it's cool you know you are a prize among men. i just want to ask you: are you getting want you want out of this *right now*? have you been for the past 2 years and do you anticipate doing so in the next two? are you happy? the only one who is going to change things for you is you.

 

it's very nice to be in the position of the long suffering partner. nice, but finally lonely and well..inauthentic.

 

i don't know, though..write it out more, if you'd like. i and others will keep responding. it sounds like you need a good feminine shoulder to font on.

 

xox j

[slashmw]

Wow you are really good. I wish I had a female friend to talk about it with. My best friend out here is my cousin and he is probably sick of hearing about it.

 

I am happy with her. I could nit pick and be like you could be nicer to me or you could to this or that, but I really do love her and she treats me good for the most part. With her increased work schedule and my busy schedule the amount of quality time we spend has lessoned. Now its like we talk over dinner maybe afterward but for the most part we dont see each other all day only here and there and at night. Thats part of why I dont get the fact that she wants to spend more time wth her friends. She sees them all day at work, as she has a bad habit i think of being friends with people she works with. She also gets along with other guys good but i trust her. I know some of her guy friends and many of them are either cool or scared i would beat the crap out of them. hahaha.

 

I just want her to be happy with her life. She doesn't know what she wants to do for work, go back to school more, and where do i fit in. she is just very confused and i hope she knows what she is doing. I really hope she doesn't mess it up. If she does want to move out i would be okay with it. I would rather it not happen but i understand. I also understand that it could potentially break us up. the way I see it is that after 2 years of living together you still love me and enjoy being with me, whats the problem. She is scared to marry and meet someone else or regret it. She just needs time to see that i'm either it or not. I tell her she's not missing anything but it could take some time for her to see that. I just hope that I dont get into another relationshiop or she does and it all gets screwed up. I meet girls at as I'm in my last semseter at college who i can tell are flirting with me, but i would never do anything. I dont think she knows that if I wasn't with her I would act on those oppourtunities. I would rather not, but i will if I am single again.

 

Its just really hard cause we live together. any suggestion on what we could do to give her time while still living together. There really doesn't seem to be a way without someone moving out. Its such a step back, but I guess it might be neccessary for her to get some clarity in what she wants. I just want it all to work out.