foxystar2008 Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 Hey I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we are both 28. We have been discussing marriage for a while now (he was talking about it too, it wasnt just me) and were even talking about rings at the weekend. All relationships have ups and downs and recently things have been going really well...I thought he would propose on our anniversary on Friday 19 Dec. He accidentally sent me an email yesterday which was meant for his friend where he was saying that we are going through a "rough patch" and that if he does propose it will be "as much out of guilt as anything else". He also said that he keeps getting tempted by other women as well which does not help and makes him feel more guilty. I was totally devastated by this email - he has pulled the rug from under me. Things have been going so well and now he has turned into a commitment phobe. We talked last night and he was in tears, he says he loves me and I am the best thing in his life, but he has commitment issues. We have been going out for 5 years! I told him to "put up or shut up" - he has been stringing me along with me thinking life is great. So I've left it with him to decide what he wants from life - if he wants me then its marriage or its without me. I dont know what to do - I had booked the restaurants for our 5 year anniversary on Friday and was thinking about finding a ring and now this. He says he doesnt know how I could love him, so he has self-esteem issues, I know, but that is no excuse to be deceitful towards me. I suppose we are "separated" until he decides, but it is awful and I am in limbo. What do I do? I havent called him today - am I supposed to? Please help me. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 Wow, I am so sorry you are going through this. I had something similar happen to me with an ex-boyfriend. He had lied to me about something very big so I was very suspicious of him and what else he was lying about. I guessed his password to his email (which I know it's wrong) and he had sent all these emails to these girls telling them how "drop dead gorgeous" they were and how he was single. He also saved all these chat conversations with this one girl telling her how sexy she was (she had sent him a pic) and how much he liked her. I was so devasted that I confronted him and tried to break up with him. He gave me the EXACT same b.s. that your boyfriend fed you saying that I was the love of his life, blah blah blah b.s. I really should have dumped him right there but I was an idiot and stayed with him. I was only 21 when we were together but we had talked about getting married when we graduated from college. He lied to me repeatedly after that until i finally just dumped him. The moral of all this, is that this guy is obviously having doubts. It doesn't seem like he wants to get married, or married to you. Why do you want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry you? I think you should dump him. Don't be stupid like I was and put yourself through even more pain and devastation. Link to post Share on other sites
allina Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 He's saying that he can't believe you love him and that he has issues with commitment NOW, after he got caught red handed telling a very different story to his friend. I would be very concerned, especially about the part where he says he's tempted by other women. I'm sorry you're going through this it must be very painful but don't make excuses for him (like the self esteem issue). Did you ask him why he thought you were at a rough patch while you thought things were great? Link to post Share on other sites
Author foxystar2008 Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 He has said that his commitment issues are making him scared which is why he is feeling tempted by other women. That is why he thinks we are going through a rough patch. He is just too scared. I dont understand it, his friends are married, some have kids, his parents are married and all the other couples we do know are getting engaged. He says it is nothing to do with me..they are his issues. It sounds sad, but I was convinced he was going to propose to me on Friday 19 Dec, our anniversary. I so want to get engaged. I want to start my life with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 He has said that his commitment issues are making him scared which is why he is feeling tempted by other women. That is why he thinks we are going through a rough patch. He is just too scared. I dont understand it, his friends are married, some have kids, his parents are married and all the other couples we do know are getting engaged. He says it is nothing to do with me..they are his issues. It sounds sad, but I was convinced he was going to propose to me on Friday 19 Dec, our anniversary. I so want to get engaged. I want to start my life with him. It DOES have something to do with you because he is saying he doesn't want to marry you! Sure he may actually have committment issues, however being tempted by other women is a reflection on how he feels about your relationship. I agree with Allina that it sounds as though you are making excuses for him..don't. It's not so much that you both are going through a rough patch, it's him who is going through this and he is dragging you down with him. I don't think it's sad that you thought he would propose on your anniversary. You thought things were going great. I think you two have an issue with communication as well. He didn't voice these concerns to you, so how could you even have a decent relationship if you can't discuss problems. This guy doesn't even sound like he is trying. I don't think you should call him back, I think you should let him think things over. In the meantime go do some things for yourself. Treat yourself to a manicure or massage or something. Take care of YOU. It will not only take your mind off things, but it may even prove to him that you can be your own person and that you can be happy on your own. Link to post Share on other sites
2ndWife Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 I am sorry for what happened to you. But, it's better that you know now, than later. The fact that he has commitment issue, may, or may not, have anything to do with you. Just because he's tempted by other woman, does not mean he wants to marry other women. The more important thing now, is to think about what "you" want. You make your own destiny. Instead of leaving the decision to him, (So I've left it with him to decide what he wants from life - if he wants me then its marriage or its without me"), take as much time as "you" want to decide whether you want him or not. If you decide that you can't live without him, then have further discussions regarding his issues. If not, then it's better move on now. Just so you know, it's normal to get cold feet before the major decisions. Just because others don't get cold feet (or they don't talk about it) doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Actully before my hubby and I made it official, I asked him several times why we were getting married and I said that let's call it quit a few times. But now we are married. And I am happy that we made it even though we had a lot of argument before we get married. The discussions help us get to know each other better. Best of luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
amymarieca Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 He accidentally sent me an email yesterday which was meant for his friend where he was saying that we are going through a "rough patch" and that if he does propose it will be "as much out of guilt as anything else". He also said that he keeps getting tempted by other women as well which does not help and makes him feel more guilty. If the bolded things are not a huge red flag for you, then I really don't what would be. I think the whole "committment issue" phrase is just another way of saying "I am an a**hole who is stringing you along." I would also be very reluctant to believe anything he says, since clearly he is giving out the real truth in his emails and not to you. Sorry to say this, but I really can't see this working out in the end. I was in a very similar situation about a year ago. If a guy doesn't know that you are the one after that amount of time, then you probably aren't. I would ditch this guy and find someone who wants to spend his life with you. Link to post Share on other sites
eclipseIDE Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 He has said that his commitment issues are making him scared which is why he is feeling tempted by other women. That is why he thinks we are going through a rough patch. He is just too scared. I dont understand it, his friends are married, some have kids, his parents are married and all the other couples we do know are getting engaged. He says it is nothing to do with me..they are his issues. It sounds sad, but I was convinced he was going to propose to me on Friday 19 Dec, our anniversary. I so want to get engaged. I want to start my life with him. Wow, so your life with him so far was a waste? Why did you date him in the first place. Why didnt it start with him before you decided to get engaged? Are you trying to make up for something else that is missing? Why did you have it in your mind that he would propose on that day? Are you psychic? Why does it matter that his friends are married and have kids? Do you think thats a good reason to get married? Link to post Share on other sites
Tizzy Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 "What do I do? I havent called him today - am I supposed to?" You go on with your life. He is only one part of it--I hope. It sounds like the two of you aren't quite on the same page. If you are happy being in a relationship with a man like this, then by all means stay in it, but it doesn't sounds like a very happy one. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 I agree with the others that have said that maybe this relationship isn't working for ya. He clearly doesn't want to get married, at least marry you. That sucks and he sounds like a jerk, so I would just move on becuase it doesn't sound like you are happy with your relationship. And anyway why would you want to get engaged/married to someone who you are having a "rocky time with" anyway. Do you think marriage will make that better? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 We have been going out for 5 years! I told him to "put up or shut up" - he has been stringing me along with me thinking life is great. I can't believe you would give him an ultimatum after you read his email that clearly stated how he felt. I would never, ever bring marriage up to him again after I read how he truly felt. I would quietly move on with my life. Link to post Share on other sites
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