Wife wants me to end friendship with co-worker

[walkermark]

I posted in infidelity, I guess because that's what my wife suspects ultimately...

 

My wife wants me to end a friendship I have had for over a year with a female co-worker "Jill". She feels "uncomfortable" with the friendship and believes it will develop into something more and eventually I will leave my wife for Jill. I do not and will not have feelings for Jill beyond just friends. I do consider her a close friend, but I am not closer to her than I am with my wife. Wife and I have been married for over 15 but less than 20 years. We are High School sweethearts and have "been" with no one else EVER. Jill is younger, has been married a few years and she is in love with and happy with her husband "Jack".

 

My wife's request is to basically not be friends with Jill. She said I can work with her as needed for our jobs, but otherwise treat her like any of the other women that work in the same office which I am not close friends with. I do have another female friend that I am close to named "Sue" that works at another office. I have known Sue for 8+ years and we go to lunch (just the 2 of us) every 2-3 months or so but my Wife seems fine with it.

 

The problems with Jill started when I began working with her more often and I began sharing with my wife any time we worked together or went to outside office business meetings. I felt like my wife should know if we were together. The problem was the more I talked about her, the more jealous my wife became. I tried to reassure her that there was nothing to be concerned about and no feelings for her and that I loved my wife exclusively. **If I had simply hid this from my wife - I truly believe I would NOT be posting this message** But I felt it was wrong to hide interactions with a woman that was not my wife.

 

Besides my wife, I don't have another best friend or many close friends. I used to have a best friend until my wife got really drunk at a wedding (not typical) and I saw them kissing and touching. Anyway that was over 8 years ago and since then I have not wanted to be close friends with anyone. (Sue kept in touch during this time and was my closest female friend) In the past 5 years I had one new close male friend from work that I did feel I could trust, but he moved to another state and we have limited contact. So this left me with no regular close friends.

 

Jill also did not have many friends and had similar experiences with "work friends" not being friends any more after changing jobs. So we both were kind of done with friends but after we worked together for a while Jill and I started to become friends anyway. Ever since my Wife did what she did with my best friend, I have considered that in my choices of friends - silly maybe, but it's true. Jill was a safe friend - safe because she was happily married to someone else and safe because nothing could happen between her and my wife.

 

So where does that leave me? My wife thinks I am "choosing" Jill over her and that my friendship to Jill is worth more to me than my marriage to her. She thinks that my resistance to ending my friendship "proves" that I have romantic feelings toward Jill. My contact with Jill has been reduced by a lot because of office location changes, but my wife is not happy because it "just happened that way" and was not because I wanted to reduce contact. We are looking into marriage counseling. I guess My position is that I should not have to lose a friend just because my wife has a "feeling" things might go wrong in the future. I am open to transparency in any way but she just wants her gone as a friend.

 

As far as Jill and I, I originally came to LS looking for info on emotional affairs and what to look out for with opposite sex friends. I applied all that great info to our situation and I am sure we are not having an EA. I even had a conversation with Jill about that and we both agreed that we loved our spouses and did not have feelings for each other and we further agreed to talk about any concerns and never let any comment or situation leave either of us with questions about it's intent or "other meaning"

 

One last thing to point out is that my wife besides me has no close friends. A few casual friends at work, but certainly not someone she would consider close or a best friend. Obviously she has no one else to talk to about all this (I would go insane). I on the other hand have Jill, Sue, the friend that moved and recently one new guy friend all of which I can talk to to some degree about all this.

 

Jill knows most of my wife's concerns and that we are going to MC. What I don't know is what my wife would think if she knew Jill knew of her concerns. It seems that no matter what I tell My wife, She has really been looking at everything negatively. I want to tell her but I don't want to make things worse. I would even like to talk to Jill's husband Jack because if my wife is uncomfortable, maybe Jack is too, but he is just keeping it to himself. Other than the truth, I don't know what to say.

 

The more I think of it, talking to Jack seems like the only answer, but I have to put myself in his shoes... I have met him before, gone to lunch with him and Jill and spent 20min talking with him and my wife and Jill at an event. What is his reaction going to be if I invite him to lunch to discuss my relationship with his wife? I don't want to worry him, but I also don't necessarily want him to go to Jill and ask her 20 questions before I get a chance to talk to him... I guess I could email him and say I want to talk to him and explain the basics about what is going on and that a face to face conversation would be more appropriate, but assure him that there is nothing bad or wrong going on, I just wanted to let him know what was going on and be open and honest to him and see if he has any questions or concerns. Not sure how to do this.

[angie2443]

You have chosen your "friend" over your wife. If you have this much of a problem cutting off ties from a woman who's relationship with you makes your wife this unconfortable, then this woman is more than "just a friend". Really, from the outcome that I have seen from these situations, I would just divorce your wife, unless their are kids still at home. Then I would do everything to fix the problem.

[2sure]

You and Jill are so close that you find it comfortable enough to discuss the intimate and private details of your marriage with her. Although you are only" work friends", which your wife has proven to have no previous issue with (Sue)...your wife has been honest and told you that she feels uncomfortable and threatened by this friendship. Clearly, she senses after so many years of marriage, that you and Jill are particularly close.

Just because you dont understand it doesnt make her feel less threatened. It is in part, your job to make your wife feel secure. Since she has no issue with other female work friends - I would have to ask why you dont just give this one to her, give up the friendship.

 

Do you and Jill talk to each other outside of work, see each other outside of work? There isnt really any reason for you to spend your working hours with a work friend and then add freetime to that as well. Men and women , once married, often do not have friends of the opposite sex. If so, the friends become friends of both partners. Those that do not are not seen with any frequency. Your wife's lack of friends is not reason to defend your closeness to other women. You seem to think that your wife may be jealous that you have people to discuss your marriage problems with and she does not. I think rathar than being jealous, she may be very frustrated that you are not discussing them with her. Well, you have discussed them - she told you what she was having a problem with and you have decided her feelings are wrong. You have decided that although she told you why she feels this way...there is a different reason having nothing to do with you (her own lack of friends). This is crazy talk.

 

You are considering talking to Jills husband, who so far, doesnt seem to have any problem. You want to pre-empt any issue he may have:

"Hey Bob!! Just so you know, I'm not banging your wife!! Just in case, you know, that may have popped into your head!" This is more crazy making.

 

Maybe your wife would be more comfortable if you had guy friends. The added benefit would be that you would see the extra drama you create as really chick like.

[taylor]

My husband has many friends at work. Several years ago he started talking non-stop about this one female friend Janet. He talked about her parents, her husband, her dog...as well as..her goals, her dreams, her likes and dislikes...her favorite movies, songs, pastimes..

 

Throughout the day, little things would remind him of her and he would then say something like, "Speaking of laundry detergent, Janet uses **** and she says that's the best for getting stains out" or "Speaking of pizza, Janet went to **** and said how great the food was."

 

I also noticed a little more twinkle in his eye, a little more excitement in his voice, a little more bounce in his step when he talked about her. Very subtle changes...ones I picked up on but that he probably didn't even notice or didn't think he was exhibiting.

 

They started to take lunches together...along with a few others in the office. Once, they planned a picnic and invited a few others from the office to join them. I remember my husband happily folding napkins and gathering paper plates and cups to pack for the picnic. I could "see" the anticipation on his face...knowing he didn't even know it was there.

 

An uncomfortable feeling inside me grew stronger and stronger and eventually I called him on it, questioning the relationship. He said they were "just friends."

 

I let it go for a few months until her husband joined my husband's ball team. She came to the games. I was alarmed when it was obvious not only to me but to other spectators around me that she was more excited seeing my husband come up to bat than her own husband. Her face lit up.

 

I called him on it again, with him reassuring me they were just friends.

 

I told him it didn't matter to me what they were...I wanted him to end the relationship because it made me feel uncomfortable. He did, but not before he threw a huge tantrum, irrritated that he "wasnt allowed to have any friends." Not that kind, I said. Not that kind.

 

I can see your wife's point of view and it is very possible that she can "see" something between you and Jill even if you can't or won't admit. She can "feel" a special vibe between you and Jill, but not the same feeling between you and Sue.

 

I agree with the poster who said you crossed the line discussing your personal life with Jill, particularly your wife's feelings regarding your friendship with Jill. How would your wife feel about you telling Jill this information? What purpose did it serve telling Jill? The only purpose that served was to polarize your wife and Jill, with you on Jill's side.

 

And it makes no sense to talk to Jill's husband. If nothing is going on between you and Jill, why call the man and tell him nothing is going on?

If it's not broke, why fix it. The only thing calling him with this info will do is make him suspicious that something is going on.

 

Respect your wife and end this relationship with Jill. If you are not involved in an EA with her, you should be able to do it easily. Cultivate other male friends at work...ones you can invite to your house to watch a ball game with.

 

Walkermark, I was involved in an EA with a male coworker that lasted 7 months. It started out ever so innocently last year..but feelings have a way of sneaking up on you. They can fool you and before you realize it, you're in too deep.

 

As my feelings grew stronger for the OM, I denied them to myself and to everyone else. I convinced myself that I could stay in control of my feelings as long as I didn't admit them to myself. The more emotionally involved I got with this man, the harder I tried to convince myself otherwise. I didn't admit to myself or anyone else that I was head over heels in love with this man...that it was an EA...until I lost this man and the pain that followed hit hard and consumed me.

 

Perhaps your wife is a little more aware that something like this may be happening to you with this OW..more aware than you are yourself or more than you are willing to admit.

 

Do you find this woman sexually attractive?

 

If you do, more reason to steer clear. If you find her attractive, if you have a wonderful friendship with her, and if she is aware you are in MC, ie, troubled marriage...you are setting yourself up for an affair.

[Benique]

It`s obvious , no wife would love her husband spending much time , more than just the work demands, with an opposite sex co-workers .

You realized this only after your wife told you about her feeling uncomfortable about this ? You never thought it was not the best idea to have so close female friends before ?

 

Jill is also married as I get from your post ,and she was spending her most time with you ... Well , she has to deal with her own problems herself . You have nothing to interfere in her family life .

 

 

I really greet your decision to stay in your family ,to go to counselling and make your family stronger . Having kids you need to think first of all of them ,

as they need a healthy atmosphere in family,they need both parents with them.

 

 

You are on the right path .

Blessings from the heart of hearts !

 

 

 

 

Jill will understand you ,she is also married .

[Posco_Proudfoot]

I'm a guy and agree with everyone's statement on here. You're going to need to stop it with Jill before it ruins your marriage. Go get some guy friends. W's and gf's don't like competition and the possibility of losing their man is very threatening to them.

[2sunny]

do you want to stay married to your wife? then respect her position and end it with the suspecting OW.

 

if you choose not to end it - that sends the message to your W that the "friendship" is more important to you.

 

what's it going to be?

[JamesM]

I agree with everyone here.

 

I do know what you are saying and you do not see it as more than a friendship.

 

As a comparison, I had a good friend at work who i went to lunch with and I spent alot of time with...yet my wife had zero problem with her. And this despite the fact that she knew we discussed our marriages.

 

Why? Because she trusted this worker.

 

And there was and still is another who periodically I still talk with on the phone. No problem...my wife trusts her.

 

BUT....there was another one who she did not trust. This one I had less contact with and never went to lunch alone with. Yet my wife's instincts said that this one...given a chance would not hesitate to ruin our marriage. In my mind it was crazy because I had no feelings for her.

So I always respected that.

 

The point is when you put a friendship before your wife's concerns, then this should make you think. The fact that you needed to start this thread says alot. I am guessing you expected more to say that your wife is simply jealous. And even I who usually take a optimistic stance on such things, have to say that your wife may sense something about Jill or about you when referring to Jill that worries her.

 

And the fact that your wife kissed a best friend while drunk may be a factor in her lack of trust of you. She knows what may happen, and she wants to prevent it.

 

Women have gut instincts and it isn't simply jealousy all of the time.

[Benique]

He needs to end with the OW , as his wife asked him to .

If he does not do that , he will lose his wife/family .

It must not happen as obviously he loves her ,

and she loves him too .

 

Being a close friend,Jill will understand and also will deny all meetings and conversations with him helping him to be happy in family .

I believe so ,she wants him to be happy the way he decides to .

[Athena]

Sometimes other people see the attraction before you see it or feel it consciously, yourself. Don't forget your wife knows you very well, and would know what you would be attracted to.

 

So, your W obviously sees the danger -- don't forget she has no problem with you and Sue, and also don't forget that your W knows WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE WHEN YOU ARE FALLING IN LOVE because she saw that first hand in you, when you and your W were becoming closer and closer.

 

I absolutely agree with the other posters here that you stepped over the boundary when you told Jill about your W's worries about you and Jill. Wow! That is a red flag.

 

And about your question as to whether to talk to Jack -- no, don't. It's got nothing to do with you. That is for Jill to handle.

 

My advice to you is to step away from Jill -- trust your wife on this. Oh, and btw, I saw the attraction between my H and two women that he had "absolutely NO interest in!!!!" but landed up having affairs with. What does that tell you? -- that indeed it's possible that your wife's intuition is correct, and you just cannot sense it yourself.

 

Do you want to start on the path of temptation, or worry, or marital problems? Just step off that road, and go another route.

[signedin2008]

Basically what you're doing is that you're placeing this "friendship" above your marriage. You're willing to risk yoru wife's happiness, comfort, security for a "friendship."

 

It's NOT unreasonable at all for your wife to request that you stop this "friendship." Yet, you continue it and disrespect your spouse's reasoable request and wishes. Once again, you are choosing this "friendship" over your marriage and your wife's feelings. There is no other way to put it. Don't say "but, however, also, etc." You are just making excuses and justifications for your own actions.

[johan]

The wife is right. You called this person at work your close friend. Men and women are never "close friends" without something else motivating it. One or both is interested in more. It would be different if this was simply a colleague who you spent a little time BS-ing with here and there when you get bored. But that's not what I would refer to as a close friend.

 

Let this person go. In 30 or 40 years, after you've mowed the same lawn for the 40,000th time and you come in to get an obligatory kiss, a little sandwich and a glass of lemonade from your shriveled up old wife, you'll be glad you did.

[carhill]

Do something completely different, and completely in line with what platonic friends do. Invite Jack and Jill over for dinner with yourself and your wife. You'll find the answer you seek.

 

Tell me. Do you seek to control who your wife is friends with, regardless of gender?

 

I'm going to go out on a limb and opine that your W is projecting her own behaviors and insecurities onto you. You are not a slave to her whims. She deserves your respect and loyalty, which apparently are being given. I do agree with those who suggest expanding your network of friends. This serves to diffuse any perception of intimacy (concentrating too much attention on any one person). Definitely get that MC appointment set up....

[whichwayisup]

Why don't you, your wife, Jill and her husband ALL get together and do dinner or something. Maybe your wife needs to get to know her, and Jill's husband should get to know you as well.

 

I can understand your wife's concerns, a married person very close to another woman, married or not (and same goes for a married woman friendly with a man, married or not) COULD lead to other things. It's obvious there ARE feelings there between you and Jill, but it seems you've allowed it to turn into a platonic caring friendship, not romantic. Though I do wonder if you're emotionally attached to Jill and that's why your wife is upset. That and you fighting "too" hard to save this friendship with Jill.

 

You and your W should do marriage counselling, learn to trust eachother fully again. She has insecurities, as do you..Hense her having a problem with Jill, and you have issues trusting men as friends.

 

Anyway, I do hope you put your wife's feeling ABOVE Jill's. She's married, you're married, and each of you should put your spouses FIRST, not second.

[carhill]

Anyway, I do hope you put your wife's feeling ABOVE Jill's. She's married, you're married, and each of you should put your spouses FIRST, not second.

 

I agree with this and it works both ways. Secondarily, examine how and why this marital dynamic is healthy or not. MC will help with that.

[D-Lish]

I'm not sure why you would resist your wife's request?

If it's hurting her this much and is putting your marriage in peril... End the friendship!

[Lovelybird]

A good relationship is to build a saft harbor in which you heal each other's wounds, not cut more fresh new ones. According to this, do you heal or do you cut by doing what you are doing?

[carhill]

I used to have a best friend until my wife got really drunk at a wedding (not typical) and I saw them kissing and touching.

 

Interesting how that works, huh. Quick way to dispose of a man's friends, both male and female. Resist such "requests" OP. I have a bad feeling here....

[whichwayisup]

Jill knows most of my wife's concerns and that we are going to MC.

 

Yet it hasn't stopped her from backing off and distancing herself from you and your life.

Has she even said, maybe we should take time apart and have space from eachother? Or is she pushing to keep the friendship going as well, reguardless of your wife's feelings?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I'm very curious to know how your wife responded when you told her about your conversation with Jill and how the two of you promised to be open and discuss your feelings about whether, when and if the relationship might become inappropriate. WOW! Did she go postal??? I'm guessing you didn't share that with her. When you are hiding things about your R from your W, it most definately is an EA. Infact, now your W is becoming the enemy. Pretty soon it will by you and Jill against her.

 

You'll be smart to reel yourself back in before its too late.

[taylor]

I'm very curious to know how your wife responded when you told her about your conversation with Jill and how the two of you promised to be open and discuss your feelings about whether, when and if the relationship might become inappropriate. WOW! Did she go postal??? I'm guessing you didn't share that with her. When you are hiding things about your R from your W, it most definately is an EA. Infact, now your W is becoming the enemy. Pretty soon it will by you and Jill against her.

 

You'll be smart to reel yourself back in before its too late.

 

This is what I meant when I said OP is polarizing his wife and Jill, with the OP on Jill's side...only you said it much better and clearer than I did, IWWH.

 

Such wonderful insight and advice on this thread. I wish I would have come to LS prior to heading down the path I did 1.5 years ago. So much heartache could have been avoided.

 

Heed the warnings, OP.

[65tr6]

 

 

So where does that leave me? My wife thinks I am "choosing" Jill over her and that my friendship to Jill is worth more to me than my marriage to her. She thinks that my resistance to ending my friendship "proves" that I have romantic feelings toward Jill. .

 

And your wife is saying this and she wants you to respect that. Wonder if she is saying that out of love for you. You think ? She wants you and her completely out. What is wrong with that ? I dont understand. Does not seem rocket science to me.

 

.

 

As far as Jill and I, I originally came to LS looking for info on emotional affairs and what to look out for with opposite sex friends. I applied all that great info to our situation and I am sure we are not having an EA.

 

.

are you sure about this ? Does her spouse know anything about this ? If not, now is the time to do it. I would not email him. Meet him face to face. May be on second thoughts, may be not. He might want to punch you !

[jwi71]

As far as Jill and I, I originally came to LS looking for info on emotional affairs and what to look out for with opposite sex friends. I applied all that great info to our situation and I am sure we are not having an EA

 

I believe you. You believe you. Jill believes you.

 

Your W does not.

 

And the more you resist and fight and talk about Jill, the more she wedges into your M. The more your W feels threatened. The more you talk to Jill about the situation at home - oh my what a vicious circle we have. And like most vicious circle it won't end well for you.

 

This is akin to continuing to pat a dog even though said dog is snarling and baring teeth. Don't be surprised if you get bit because YOU ignored the very overt warning signs your W is sending.

 

My advice - cool it with Jill.

[travelgirl]

I hate to be the one to say this OP, but you most definitely are having an EA with Jill.

 

I just went thru something very similar with my husband and it almost destroyed our marriage. He is older, she is younger, the only difference is she wasn't married. It started by her coming to him for advice, then they would talk about funny things during lunch, then more serious things, then about anything - to the point they were talking everyday about A LOT of things. This casual "friendship" went over the course of 6-7 months before it became an obsession with my H and it eventually went so far as to talking indirectly about sexual things but always with the haha's or so forth afterwards to not make it an uncomfortable thing. This way, it wasn't inappropriate in his or her eyes. It was just 2 friends making jokes. The worst was when they talked about their troubled relationships. He kept this and obviously the sexual innuendos from me which is where it became an EA, no matter how long they were just friends.

 

No women wants their husband confiding in another women about her, their marriage, or anything good or bad. There is a line in the sand and even if you weren't in an EA before (which I doubt) the second you talked to Jill about your wife, marriage problems and going to a MC - YOU crossed the line into an EA.

 

And the fact that you are typing in an infidelity forum and trying to find a way around still being friends with Jill, is just an obvious eye opener that right now, this girl means more to you then your wife - and THAT is the biggest problem. If she didn't mean anything to you, you would have scaled back the friendship the second your wife asked, no problems. Instead, you went behind your wife's back to Jill and opened up to her. RED FLAG!!!

 

It took my husband about 45 days of complete denial and telling me that I am crazy for no reason, to realize it was an EA, an obsession and that HE was the one that was wrong. Those days were a roller-coaster of emotions for me making me re-evaluate whether I was too clingy or wrong or making a mistake. I shouldn't have had to feel like that and I resent what he put me thru then, even more then the actual EA. There is a lot of mistrust on my part and we have been going to MC for 2 months and are trying to get our marriage back. I have to say, he stopped 100% contact with her and is working really hard but the damage is done and will take awhile to repair.

 

You still have a chance here to fix things before they get any further. Talk to your wife, tell her you understand her feelings and get rid of this Jill character. If she STILL wants to be friends with you after you told her you are having marriage problems because of HER, then she isn't a good friend to begin with.

[walkermark]

Interesting how that works, huh. Quick way to dispose of a man's friends, both male and female. Resist such "requests" OP. I have a bad feeling here....

 

Can you clarify your bad feeling and the suggestion to resist such "requests?"

Certainly I dropped him as a friend and have never spoken to him after meeting him the day after. I want to harm him physically. The problem is we still have some friends in common and every once and a while he comes up, but we have never seen each other thankfully