Wife wants me to end friendship with co-worker

[Athena]

 

And interestingly enough, even cheating men say in most cases, the OW is rarely prettier than their wives. Beauty is not what attracts the man to the OW...is is the fulfillment of a need that is lacking in his marriage.And for that reason, Jill can be dangerous.

 

James, I really like how you said this. And when I apply it to me and my H's case, it is very, very true.

I figured out the "fulfillment of a need" for H is that he NEEDS all the attention, adoration, admiration that he can possibly get. It's not enough that I indeed DID give him all that, he needed it from others as well. In the case of other females, when "they let him F**K them" as he phrased it, he knew he had won them.

*Sigh* so even though I gave him all that, it's never going to be enough coming just from one W...

[walkermark]

*Sigh* so even though I gave him all that, it's never going to be enough coming just from one W...

Athena - What does that last part mean? what's never going to be enough coming from one W? W- Wife or W- Woman?

 

I am behind of posting - We went for first MC on Sat. Man that hour flies...

[whichwayisup]

What did the MC say? Did he/she suggest that for the sake of your marriage that maybe you need to put your wife first and not make Jill such a focus/important part of your life?

 

Can I ask a question? When you at home, with your wife, do you think about Jill? Wonder what she is up to? Get the urge to see/call her if something fun happens and you want to share it with her? Please, be honest.. I'm just trying to see how much you rely on your friendship with Jill. You may not be sexually attracted to her, but are you VERY much emotionally attached to her. Maybe you're not aware of how deeply emotions can be hidden or not recognized until it's too late..

 

I think Athena meant W as in woman.

[angie2443]

Don't you think that is a drastic overreaction for OP to divorce his wife NOW after several years have passed since his then-drunk W kissed his now Ex-friend at a wedding?

 

He still loves his wife, they have a good marriage. Why do you see it as a 'sad little marriage'?

I don't think it is.

 

The OP is still angry over this incident or is using it as an excuse to be disrespectful to the marriage.

 

The OP and his wife do not have a happy marriage. The fact that he can't keep private conversations private is proof of this. I think he might be hiding some of the feelings he has towards his wife and his marriage.

[sxyNYCcpl]

Wow.

 

Drama, drama, drama.

 

My take is that Jill is merely a symptom of a bigger problem. It seems you guys don't know how to have healthy relationships outside of your marriage. IMO this is what you should work on.

 

As for your W's so-called "infidelity", for the love of God, it was a drunken kiss 8 years ago. BFD. Get over it and move on. It sounds like you miss your friend, let bygones be bygones and call him.

[jwi71]

Athena - What does that last part mean? what's never going to be enough coming from one W? W- Wife or W- Woman?

 

I am behind of posting - We went for first MC on Sat. Man that hour flies...

 

Give the MC a few sessions. You may find his/her style doesn't mesh or gel with you two.

 

If then you aren't comfortable find another.

 

The MC is the one place where you and your W MUST be totally open and honest.

 

Keep at it, keep posting here - but you have taken the first step in healing an old festering wound.

[Soulburn]

Walkermark -

 

I'd like to bring a different point of view to this.

 

Your wife shared a drunken kiss with an ex-friend a long time ago. Apparently your wife is an attractive lady and you have had a tough time dealing with this. You said she took a friend from you and you're hesitant to have male friends around her.

 

Your ex-friend found your wife attractive and I'm sure other men do too and you know this.

 

But, Jill is having a fine time with her hubby Jack...and keeping you around for a little ego boost. I have a friend similar to you. If I somehow lost this friend, there's plenty more. Being an attractive woman myself, it's rather easy to find these male friends. They'll talk to me, hang on my every word, do little things for me and seem like such a GREAT friend. Someone to lean on and have some fun with -- no strings attached.

 

I go home to my boyfriend of 2 years feeling recharged with a little ego stroking, good self-esteem and everything is great...in MY world. Not my friends world so much.

 

You're an easily replaceable option to Jill. She'll find another guy just like you right around the corner. You...will not find another wife like yours right around the corner.

 

If you continue to place this much importance on Jill instead of your marriage and your wife, you're going to find yourself alone. Jill will be with her hubby having a grand time, hearing you whine about your dissolved marriage and getting even MORE attention than before.

 

Your wife, who was focused on a close relationship and marriage will be able to move on to a man who will be equally as focused on a relationship and a marriage. Focused on HER.

 

You will need Jill but Jill will not need you.

 

I honestly think your focus is in the wrong place - on the wrong person.

 

While you're so focused on thinking you don't want another friend taken away from you, you're about to lose a lot and Jill is gaining and will continue to keep gaining.

 

Your back is right now turned toward your wife. Think every man your wife meets will be preoccupied with his friends...or your wife? (Your ex-friend was occupied with your wife...)

 

If you don't change your focus soon, your wife may be gone when you finally turn around. Then, you'll find out how 'important' you made Jill out to be and how unimportant you really were to her all along.

 

Jill's in great shape! You're not...

[Athena]

Athena - What does that last part mean? what's never going to be enough coming from one W? W- Wife or W- Woman?

 

I am behind of posting - We went for first MC on Sat. Man that hour flies...

 

Yip, that hour is NOT enough -- at first... it takes several sessions just to lay out the groundwork!

I dont get an hour -- 45 minutes each session! lol

 

Sorry all -- for my confusing last paragraph, I mean W as in Wife = me. When James said that a guy goes out of the marriage to fulfill his needs that are lacking in his marriage, I was applying it my husband whose needs include a lot of ego stroking. But -- even though I give him that admiration, it is never going to be enough coming from JUST me within the marriage as he needs it from me AND from as many other women as he can get it from (it's his narcissism at work here).

[walkermark]

As for your W's so-called "infidelity", for the love of God, it was a drunken kiss 8 years ago. BFD. Get over it and move on.

To a type of person like YOU it's not a big deal, but to people like my Wife and I it is a huge deal. If I had been the one kissing she already said there is no question she would not have even for a second considered staying married. No second chances at all. I initially felt the same way but decided based on the circumstances and how much I loved her that I would stay married. I am working on getting over it and moving on (just a little late getting started on that)

 

It sounds like you miss your friend, let bygones be bygones and call him.

I missed the idea of a friendship like we had. There is no way I want to associate or contact him in any way. I am never going to be friends with him again. What could he say that would help me get over it?

[Lovelybird]

If I were you, I would trust her

[walkermark]

If I were you, I would trust her

Not sure what you mean... I do trust her.

[signedin2008]

Let's look at the facts and the big picture. Your wife has CLEARLY stated what she needs, which is for you to break your relationship with this OW. No matter how you justify it, reason it, twist it, and whether or not it's reasonable or not, the fact is your wife communicated her needs to you and if you don't do what she needs, there is going to be resentment that is building up and can ultimately destroy the bond between you two and maybe even the marriage.

 

Does that soud like the price you want to pay to continue this "friendship" you have with this other woman?

[whichwayisup]

What did the MC say? Did he/she suggest that for the sake of your marriage that maybe you need to put your wife first and not make Jill such a focus/important part of your life?

 

Can I ask a question? When you are at home, with your wife, do you think about Jill? Wonder what she is up to? Get the urge to see/call her if something fun happens and you want to share it with her? Do you speak to her everyday after work, in the evenings, even on the weekends? Please, be honest.. I'm just trying to see how much you rely on your friendship with Jill. You may not be sexually attracted to her, but are you VERY much emotionally attached to her, too much so seeing as you're a married man and the friendship between you two IS inappropriate because of the ring on your finger(s). Maybe you're not aware of how deeply emotions can be hidden or not recognized until it's too late..

[carhill]

WWIU, based on the response in post #80:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1963908&postcount=80

 

and reviewing subsequent responses, do you think the OP is waffling? Post 80 clearly outlines his contact with Jill and his feelings about friends and his wife. Do you see signs in subsequent postings that this position has changed?

 

Perhaps, in MC, after a month or two, he'll discover feelings which he currently isn't realizing and expressing, but that's for that time. Right now, post 80 appears to be his truth.

 

If he is being honest, it appears that his "relationship" with Jill has been backed off to strictly work-related and in the work environment and he is proceeding into MC with his wife. I also note that he has responded calmly to all criticisms. He's doing much better than I did Let's give MC a chance and see where this goes.

[angie2443]

Your first friend kissed your wife. Now this friend is comming between you and your wife in an emotional way. I wonder, is it possible that you or you and your wife are picking friends that don't have good bounderies themselves? Just a thought. Anyways, when all is said in done in this situation and the emotions have died down, you might want to look at how you define friendship.

[walkermark]

What did the MC say? Did he/she suggest that for the sake of your marriage that maybe you need to put your wife first and not make Jill such a focus/important part of your life?

Touched on that idea, but we spent a lot of time on background info. Maybe I made it sound like I ignore my wife and all I care about is Jill. That is so far from how it is. I am so in love with my wife, attracted to her, love talking with her, love sitting with her, holding hands, going on walks, going shopping(a little) playing tennis together. I look forward to seeing her when we are apart.

 

Can I ask a question? When you at home, with your wife, do you think about Jill? Wonder what she is up to? Get the urge to see/call her if something fun happens and you want to share it with her? Please, be honest.. I'm just trying to see how much you rely on your friendship with Jill. You may not be sexually attracted to her, but are you VERY much emotionally attached to her. Maybe you're not aware of how deeply emotions can be hidden or not recognized until it's too late..

Because Jill is the focus of my wife's concerns, it's hard not to end up thinking of the situation and thus something about Jill here recently.

 

If I try to separate out those thoughts and answer more along the lines of do I miss her or miss talking to her? When I am home with my wife, I usually don't think of Jill or any of my other friends unless they come up in conversation. I sometimes might wonder what she is up to if I haven't seen her in a while, but that would be unusual on a weeknight, maybe more so on a weekend, but there are on average 0-2 emails per weekend for work and they sometimes include the work info plus something like "what are you and W doing today? Jack and I went shopping and are going to cut down a Christmas tree this afternoon"....(that kind of thing)

I have never had the urge to see her or call her with good news. Really bad news I might email about, but I would probably email Sue as well.

In general I would say I am more likely to email Jill than I would be to Email Sue and less likely to email Male friend #1 or Male Friend #2 that lives farther away. I am more likely to call one or both male friends if there was something bad that had happened or if I needed advice or had a question about something.

[walkermark]

I saw this question was worded slightly different...

Do you speak to her everyday after work, in the evenings, even on the weekends?

No way.. I don't ever do any of these things and I never did them before and I don't plan on starting them. I would think our spouses would mind if we were spending that much time talking.

[signedin2008]

Is there a reason as to why you're ignoring my post?

[walkermark]

Let's look at the facts and the big picture. Your wife has CLEARLY stated what she needs, which is for you to break your relationship with this OW.

W wanted us to not be such close friends out of concern that I might be or become closer friends than W and I are. (which was not happening)

No matter how you justify it, reason it, twist it, and whether or not it's reasonable or not, the fact is your wife communicated her needs to you and if you don't do what she needs, there is going to be resentment that is building up and can ultimately destroy the bond between you two and maybe even the marriage.

Wait... I am only asking the same of her: For her to trust me and allow me to keep an existing friendship with someone who is supportive of my marriage and a friend of my marriage and not a threat to my marriage, no matter how she tries to justify why she wants it to change, twist the facts, find possible reasons that don't exist. I have communicated that to her and if she is going to force this change then it will build resentment that could destroy the bond between us and maybe the marriage.

 

Why does it not matter if it's reasonable? No matter how unreasonable I have to do it or I am wrong? I want to keep the friendship. Is that unreasonable? Does it matter since I made it clear? why a different standard? I am sure it would be great for all wives no matter how unreasonable they were if we just did what they said. That sounds like a loving environment.

Does that soud like the price you want to pay to continue this "friendship" you have with this other woman?

Since when do we have to pay a price to have friends?

[Trojan John]

Reads as if she is jealous of your relationship with your coworker -- afraid that it will blossom into something else, and/or she is hiding a secret relationship from you and is feeling guilty.

[angie2443]

Wait... I am only asking the same of her: For her to trust me and allow me to keep an existing friendship with someone who is supportive of my marriage and a friend of my marriage and not a threat to my marriage, no matter how she tries to justify why she wants it to change, twist the facts, find possible reasons that don't exist. I have communicated that to her and if she is going to force this change then it will build resentment that could destroy the bond between us and maybe the marriage.

?

 

Oh just face the facts already. Your marriage is a joke. You say there's all this love, blah blah blah, and then basically say your wife is crazy and/or manipulative. Just divorce and end this nonsense. You'll be free to hang with Jill all you want and maybe your wife can hook up with you ex friend again.

[walkermark]

Your first friend kissed your wife. Now this friend is comming between you and your wife in an emotional way. I wonder, is it possible that you or you and your wife are picking friends that don't have good bounderies themselves? Just a thought. Anyways, when all is said in done in this situation and the emotions have died down, you might want to look at how you define friendship.

W hasn't picked any friends and wasn't really friends with my first friend.

I had never really thought about it really. I was naive about some of that up until 6 months ago however i have never complained about my W nor has Jill ever complained about Jack to me. In descending order, here is what we talk about:

Work

common interest 1

common interest 2

Family (spouses, kids, siblings)

 

Yes, We talk about our spouses - that's how I know she is in Love with Jack and how she knows I am in Love with my W. It's positive.

[walkermark]

Oh just face the facts already. Your marriage is a joke. You say there's all this love, blah blah blah, and then basically say your wife is crazy and/or manipulative. Just divorce and end this nonsense. You'll be free to hang with Jill all you want and maybe your wife can hook up with you ex friend again.

My Wife and I are fine. There is a disagreement over a friendship. I don't view her as crazy or manipulative.

 

Here are some more examples of things i would never do with Jill:

1. When my wife comes home Jill is not there with me (duh)

 

2. I would NEVER joke with Jill or anyone that her and I were going to run off and "get it on". (this is disrespectful and wrong I love my wife too much to treat her like this)

 

3. We have never and will never share intimate details about our sex lives with each other.

 

4. I will not tell Jill the details of our fights

 

5. I don't know of any of Jill's friends making advances towards her. I don't think she would allow that.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

I have communicated that to her and if she is going to force this change then it will build resentment that could destroy the bond between us and maybe the marriage.

 

This alone says that Jill is more important than your wife. No wonder W is pissed. In a marriage, if one spouse says to the other, "I don't like you being friends with that girl/guy", the ONLY correct answer is, "They're history then, darling. Nobody comes before you."

 

Isn't that in the VOWS? Forsaking all others? Yeah, believe it is.

 

Would you forsake Jill?

[angie2443]

Your posts just sound too conflicting to me. One minute you say your relationship is fine. The next minute, you basically state that if your wife forces a conflict ( you and Jill together as friends) the bond you and your wife share is doomed. Something is really off here.