husband had affair doesn't want sex with me

[itspersonal]

My husband of 23 years had an 6 month affair with a coworker. I was totally in the dark as I thought we were happy. To make a long story short,,,the affair is over,,,we are in therapy and he is the one on the fence about staying. He is in midlife crisis as well. I am willing to do what it takes to fix my part and keep the marriage but I have an issue,,,the first three weeks after the affair he wanted to have sex with me and he was loving and overwhelmingly hopeful about realizing what he stood to lose...then now he doesn't want to have sex or be physically close to me for the last 3 weeks. The counselor says he is on the fence about me however he tells me he is just exhausted by it all and needs time. Shouldn't that have been my line? Anyway,,,has anyone gone through a phase where their husbands didn't want to have sex with them after the affair? The affair is def. over. Is there something wrong with me? Why and how can he resist me? He says we used to go for months without so what has changed,,,I have explained to him that I need the reconnection but he isn't hearing me. Am I crazy,,,is this common? He says we need to learn to communicated in other arenas first??? Help me,,,I need to be given love and sex,,,has anyone been through this?

[2sure]

He says we used to go for months without so what has changed,,,I have explained to him that I need the reconnection but he isn't hearing me. Am I crazy,,,is this common? He says we need to learn to communicated in other arenas first??? Help me,,,I need to be given love and sex,,,has anyone been through this?

 

It sounds like your husband is telling you exactly what he feels. He feels that there are areas in the marriage that need to be addressed, he is telling you that you both need to learn to communicate. Clearly your marriage is in trouble, but thankfully he has realized that an affair is not the answer. He is correct in pointing out to you that he is not happy with the way things are. I understand your need to reconnect with affectionion and sex. After an affair the BS needs to reassured of many things and validated as well. Since you had infrequent sex prior to the affair - there were problems then... hopefully MC will address those problems and you can solve them by communicating together. Until those problems are brought to light and being worked on - maybe your husband is not sure if they can be solved. Right or wrong, it does sound like he has explained his lack of affection.

[itspersonal]

Thank you for your reply. We actually didn't have sexual issues before,,,we had sex often but that is what he is saying since the affair,,,like it is an excuse. I know he is right about communicating but why avoid touching me. He says he loves me,,,I feel like he is in the power position and that I am just waiting to be given love once again...why have sex with me the first three weeks constantly then shut me off ,,,,I am so fearful and overwhelmed,,,I believe he may have some sexual addictions but I am not sure..I do know he has always been shut down somewhat but we seemed happy! I am wondering if it may be that he just doesn't find me attractive now,,,even tho he couldn't keep his hands off of me for 3 weeks after I found out???? Should I not ask anymore for sex,,,should I just not care? It has always been one of our deepest connections,,,i miss it so much,,,I know my marriage is in trouble but I didn't know before,,,he alwaYs said he was happy and he adored me and then one day bam it all changed

[2sure]

During my husband's affair, we had sex more often than ever. It has been talked about on here before - it is like talk of sex, thinking of sex, leads to more sex.

 

Also, the three weeks after the affair could have been "make-up " sex. We all have to admit how good that can be!

 

Itspersonal - after my H's affair I needed PLENTY of assurance, validation, etc. My self confidence was shot for awhile. I even considered getting a boost to my shattered ego elsewhere - but thankfully didnt. So, I get your need to keep re-connecting intimately in spite of other problems in the marriage. I feel the same way - no matter what issues there are - we need to keep intimacy intact. But that is not how your husband is feeling right now.

 

Because of his mid life crisis, which could be a form of depression or at least confusion - AND/OR because he feels the marriage is not happy /needs work... he isnt capable of intimacy right now. He probably found that the affair didnt fill whatever hole is in him right now either.

 

The good news is, if you are willing, he sounds like he is trying to fix the marriage , get in touch with his feelings, and well...come to some decision the right way.

 

There is no replacement for the lack of intimacy and it cannot be ignored for long. But maybe for a short time, you can get back your self esteem in another way - maybe do something wonderful for yourself??

[itspersonal]

Everything you say is so true,,,I really needed you sent my way! I am so overwrought with pain. I know you know this feeling! I do need reassurance and yes it was make up sex,,,I thought it was his realization of how much he loved me and wanted me but in truth it was make up sex. Now reality has already set in and we are both struggling. My self esteem is on the floor and I am terrified,,,I always considered myself to be strong and independent and to find out I am not is pretty overwhelming also. Should I stop asking? Should it be on his terms only? I don't even know what to do or say any longer. I am so lonely for love,,,and connection. He says he loves me and wants to make it work,,,but he doesn't want to show me physically! Should I just let that part go? Isn't it me who should be feeling that way? He had the affair and I am floundering and he is going on ok. He is in counseling with and without me as am I. He wants to move to the beach area (we have a 8th grader) and uproot us so that he can SURF again and PlAY at the beach and be happy,,,,I know this is midlife;,,,bought a big mondo truck,,,from a caddy...shaved hair on his chest.,,.makes old age comments,,,etc...however now he says if I am not willing to go he may bot be able to stay because that is his new fix. I don't know how to deal with that because uprooting our child who is very happy here and making a geographic isn't going to change the fact that he is still taking him with him,,,if that makes sense~You are so thoughtful to keep responding to me,,,I need help so badly right now...I don't know how to deal with any of these unanswered questions and I don't know what normal is because my normal has been shattered

[2sure]

Wow, he sounds like a poster child for mid life crisis!!!

Middle aged man, driving down the road in a monster truck with his surf board and shaved chest. He should just get a vanity plate that reads : CRISIS.

 

Agreed - he should be the one needing reassurance from you. But he is not himself right now and normal is not in his repertoire at this time.

 

It sounds as though you have rightly come to the realization that the affair had nothing to do with you personally. You know that right? Its true and you need to take that awareness and let your ego know this too.

 

You feel needy of course, and having your support system go AWOL, you are grasping and insecure.

 

I get it, but dont know what to do about it.

 

I do know this: 1. Your husband is confused. 2. Confidence is attractive.

 

And: Let him go to the damn beach and surf. It isnt going to bring back his youth. He will be the oldest guy there and will get hurt.

[itspersonal]

haha I finally laughed,,,,yes crisis is all over it! He isn't who I know him to be. I would love to let him go surf but we live in az and moving to ca is a geographic that affects both children and me. I told him down the road once we heal this then an option. I do know the affair isn't about me,,,it is just so painful and overwhelming,,,I am scared to death. So confidence huh? When I do show him that he makes statements like r u trying to make me jealous or other things,,,I guess I need to just say hey bud,,,I am good,,,I am beautiful and I know what I am worth,,,you need to figure this out? Is that what you mean?

 

THank you for being my blessing today

[RobertLS]

itspersonal, so much of what you wrote sounds the same as my wife and I; in fact she probably could've written your post. I'll try to explain things from my point of view, and hopefully that'll help you understand your husband. The part your husband says about needing to reconnect in other areas first is exactly how I feel. Without a strong emotional connection, sex isn't that appealing to me. I feel that I need a better emotional connection with my wife in order to enjoy sex with her. Without a strong emotional connection, it feels like sex for the sake of sex, and maybe that's ok for some guys, but it's not that satisfying for me. On the other hand, my wife feels that if we go ahead and have sex even though the desire isn't there, it'll strengthen the emotional connection between us. It's one of those chicken-and-egg issues. I think both viewpoints are valid, but I'm finding the dynamics of sex to be very frustrating in our case. We haven't tried a sex therapist yet, but we've thought about it. You might want to ask your counselor about that. Our counselor wanted us to work on recovering from the affair and restoring the emotional part of our relationship before working on the sexual part.

 

I think another aspect of this is that the affair has created a feeling of discontent within me that's hard to shake. It's like I subconsciously compare the excitement of meeting someone new with the routineness of my marriage. My wife and I recognize that we need to introduce newness into our marriage to combat this. Your husband may be feeling the same kind of discontent, and that could be negatively affecting his sexual attraction to you.

 

Another thing your husband might be going through is withdrawal from the affair. I know it's hard for you to deal with this, but he was almost surely having an exciting time in his affair. The newness of it, the "connection" he felt with the OW, the aliveness he felt, was intoxicating. Now, that is gone, and he has to go through a detox phase. I went through that too, and prescription anti-depressants helped. Maybe the mid-life crisis activities you described are his way of escaping and dealing with the withdrawal.

 

From my own experience with this, you should prepare yourself for a long road to recovery. My wife and I are about 6 months into recovery, and things are far from ideal. From your post, it sounds like you're about 6 weeks post-affair. I hope you have a lot of inner strength and patience because you'll need it. It's weird how the BS seems to have it harder than the WS in some cases. I wish you luck, and I'm sorry for what you're going through.

[2sure]

Wow! Well, apparently my husband is also in this forum and calling himself RobertL.

 

Kidding of course, but you see, there are patterns to this behavior.

 

I am not one to play games, tricks, etc. but itspersonal - I wonder something. A man's midlife crisis seems to manifest itself in cars, OW, new hobbies, etc. I realize that these things are just the way he expresses his insecurity with growing old.

 

BUT: Getting a new hair cut, a new color, picking up your own new hobby, taking a class, trying on a new fresh attitude...I know these things sound cliche but so is a midlife crisis....

 

Doing these things, while continuing to work on the real issues and communications....could not possibly be a bad thing. You are improving yourself, fulfilling you ego, while at the same time possibly making him see you in a new light.

[itspersonal]

Robert

 

Thank you so much for your reply. Where I get stuck on the emotional part is that having an affair was sex for sex,,,,,or maybe I am wrong but that is how he explained it. He said exactly what you said it made him feel young, excited, all of those things but he didn't really care about her. I think he is as you said detoxing to be honest from all that excitement. It is really hard to think that the excitement of her was more then what I give him in bed! I guess it is true that new is exciting but I am pretty open sexually so I find it humilating confusing but I see exactly what you are saying.

Why did he feel a connection with another woman is the most painful part for me. I thought we were connected. I thought we kept it exciting and new. If he felt that connnection why not leave and be with her? I don't know how we lost our connection is what I am trying to say and it is hard to hear but so very appreciated. The connection for them was lust and excitement,,the connection we have are memories, children, dreams, future, love, excitement, honesty or so i thought,,,so it confuses me terribly.,,,he did feel alive again he said,,,he felt young again,,,,he said it wasn't about her,,,it was about that feeling,,,I cannot compete with that feeling,,,he knows all about me. I know what it is like to want that feeling though but I made choices to not harm my marriage to get it! He misses that one. Anyone wants to feel those feelings but we control our "desires" to not damage our lives and our families,,,if I had an affair he would be out the door. I feel like he got all the excitement and I get all the pain,,,that is hard to swallow,,,,and now I get no sex and to boot!

 

Oh gosh I hope by 6 months we are doing better and I feel like if he doesn't do some compromising here and start showing me that I am valuable and physically attractive I might not be around in six months. I love him very much but my needs have to matter too..there has to be a compromise for my own healing....it is not ok to deny my needs of closeness because he already did that by having the affair to begin with,,,in other words,,,if he loves me "my Turn" sounds selfish but it is that important to me that he make that effort also,,,so that I can heal. I will do both emotional and sexual healing and I want him to step out of the box he desires me to step out of and to help me here too,,,like throw me a bone please so that I can survive this pain. I am showing him love by healing something he chose to do that has damaged me immensely so I feel like he can give a little too..,do you think that is wrong? Because the message right now in my head is that this unknown person is better then me,,,he wants her more and he gave her more of himself,,,,how do I reconcile that one?

I have so much gratitude that you wrote to me and please write again,,,it puts things in such a different light and it allows me to share what I feel inside without stomping on him and with someone who feels a lot like he does,,,,

I thank you so much

 

 

 

[itspersonal]

Yes tosure you are right,,,I am going to start focusing on me,,,these discussing are saving me today so I think I need to continue on this forum. I thought I was going crazy and I was going to die and now I feel so NOT ALONE,,,I want to be and feel like me again,,,,I will take measures to achieve that goal. I just want him to come along...,so marriages can heal from this terrible decision?

[itspersonal]

Oh and I just have to say that this woman is married with kids,,,3 years younger then me,,,not very intelligent and not that great looking,,,,she has had 4 other affairs two with other co workers and she was looking for a savior for an out to her alcoholic marriage. So it isn't like she was this great thing,,,,I just don't get it!

[Lorenzo76]

1) He should be chasing YOU not the other way around.

 

2) Divorce him and take your power back. Let him move to CA and surf.

[taylor]

itspersonal, so much of what you wrote sounds the same as my wife and I; in fact she probably could've written your post. I'll try to explain things from my point of view, and hopefully that'll help you understand your husband. The part your husband says about needing to reconnect in other areas first is exactly how I feel. Without a strong emotional connection, sex isn't that appealing to me. I feel that I need a better emotional connection with my wife in order to enjoy sex with her. Without a strong emotional connection, it feels like sex for the sake of sex, and maybe that's ok for some guys, but it's not that satisfying for me. On the other hand, my wife feels that if we go ahead and have sex even though the desire isn't there, it'll strengthen the emotional connection between us. It's one of those chicken-and-egg issues. I think both viewpoints are valid, but I'm finding the dynamics of sex to be very frustrating in our case. We haven't tried a sex therapist yet, but we've thought about it. You might want to ask your counselor about that. Our counselor wanted us to work on recovering from the affair and restoring the emotional part of our relationship before working on the sexual part.

 

I think another aspect of this is that the affair has created a feeling of discontent within me that's hard to shake. It's like I subconsciously compare the excitement of meeting someone new with the routineness of my marriage. My wife and I recognize that we need to introduce newness into our marriage to combat this. Your husband may be feeling the same kind of discontent, and that could be negatively affecting his sexual attraction to you.

 

Another thing your husband might be going through is withdrawal from the affair. I know it's hard for you to deal with this, but he was almost surely having an exciting time in his affair. The newness of it, the "connection" he felt with the OW, the aliveness he felt, was intoxicating. Now, that is gone, and he has to go through a detox phase. I went through that too, and prescription anti-depressants helped. Maybe the mid-life crisis activities you described are his way of escaping and dealing with the withdrawal.

 

From my own experience with this, you should prepare yourself for a long road to recovery. My wife and I are about 6 months into recovery, and things are far from ideal. From your post, it sounds like you're about 6 weeks post-affair. I hope you have a lot of inner strength and patience because you'll need it. It's weird how the BS seems to have it harder than the WS in some cases. I wish you luck, and I'm sorry for what you're going through.

 

This post says it all and is one the OP should reread because herein lies the answers to her questions.

 

My husband and I are struggling with this same issues and it is 10 months since the discovery of my EA.

 

Sex was good and frequent for the first couple months after D-day. I didn't realize it then, but it had to be make-up sex...a desire on my part to reassure him that I did not want anyone else, that I didn't want to lose him..that I wanted to re-commit to the marriage.

 

But then initiating and engaging in sex became more difficult. Why?

 

1. The emotional distance we had in our marriage prior to the affair reared its ugly head again. We just couldn't seem to connect..had nothing to say....in our own little worlds...confused and in pain...dead and empty inside.

 

2. I was in the throes of withdrawal from the OM. Depression, anxiety. And the memories of him consumed my thoughts throughout the day and even invaded my dreams at night. It's difficult to make love to someone when you are consumed with thoughts of someone else. Your husband may not admit it to you but he is still grieving the loss of the OW. It will take time for these thoughts and feelings to dissipate.

 

3. It is so unfair to the BS, but following an affair there is no way to generate the same sexual excitement with your spouse that you can with your affair partner, if only because of the newness of the affair relationship compared to the familiarity of the marital relationship. Marital sex pales in comparison to affair sex in terms of sexual tension and excitement. This diminishes the drive to engage in sex with your marital partner. It sounds horrible to say this, but if I am going to be honest, I must say that at times following the end of the affair, my fantasies of my affair partner were still able to generate intense sexual desire in me..moreso than anything my husband could do in real life.

 

OP, this is what I am afraid you are up against.

 

The good news is if you are willing to be patient with your husband, these intense feelings from the affair (the withdrawal, the sexual desire for the affair partner, the grief over the loss of connection) will subside. Hopefully, he will be able to replace these feelings with feelings for you...desire for you...connectedness with you.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear. I am just trying to be as honest as I can. My husband and I are dealing with these same issues brought on by my transgression.

 

I wish you well.

[itspersonal]

Thank you so much for your honesty,,,I want to puck now and maybe not having sex is a good thing until he gets over "her". I wouldn't mind having some of that excitement too but I thought of him,,,so I wouldn't do it! He thought of him and did it! The thought that she is on his mind just makes me sick! But most of the affair was emotional so that makes sense. They actually had sex 2 times but the build up went on for 4 months prior to that! I can tell he cared about her even tho he refuses to admit it,,he says it was an act and that was that and he could give a **** about her,,,he says that the only people he cares about are his wife and 2 daughters and why can't I get that? I say bull,,,,I see the sadness in his eyes and I don't think necessarily it is over her but more over the loss of excitement that was behind it all! He says that if I had an affair one he wouldn't forgive me and two he would kill the guy with a bat! Go figure,,,I thought about it,,,,I just know better!

 

Thanks for all your feedback it is helping me sooooo much! I also think sometimes I should just leave him and do him the favor of figuring out if he wants me or not and also deciding if he needs all that excitement to feel alive...I don't know what the heck is the right thing but I don't want to be second choice or the fool any longer,,,,make sense?

[65tr6]

I feel that I need a better emotional connection with my wife in order to enjoy sex with her. Without a strong emotional connection, it feels like sex for the sake of sex, and maybe that's ok for some guys, but it's not that satisfying for me. On the other hand, my wife feels that if we go ahead and have sex even though the desire isn't there, it'll strengthen the emotional connection between us. It's one of those chicken-and-egg issues. I think both viewpoints are valid, but I'm finding the dynamics of sex to be very frustrating in our case. We haven't tried a sex therapist yet, but we've thought about it. You might want to ask your counselor about that. Our counselor wanted us to work on recovering from the affair and restoring the emotional part of our relationship before working on the sexual part.

 

excellent post. As you say though i am surprised that for some men, the emotional part is so important. Dont get me wrong, I would love to have had the emotional part to make our sex life more exciting but I thought at some point, most men, had to have sex - even if the E part is missing.

 

OP, your husband is showing the exact same signs as my xWW. It is going to take lot of time from what i hear from others. You both need to start communicating, be honest with each other and work on your marriage. You must try to meet his emotional needs (fill out the questionnaire at marriagebuilders.com) even though he may not register any of that for a while as he is going through withdrawl. And yes no love busters. Cut all those out.

 

Are you absolutely sure that there is no contact with OM ?? That is critical to recovery.

[itspersonal]

There is some contact because he is her boss,,,,it is not much but it is there until other arrangements can be made. I spent three hours talking to her which I am sure burst his bubble but the therapist thought it would help me and it did,,,she says that she is back with her hubby and things are better for her,,,,lucky her,,,,she also says my husband is a heartless bastard because he treats her like it never happened,,,,so who knows,,,either way,,,he seems to be over that part ,,,he says he would never affair again,,,he would do the right thing and leave first,,,who knows anymore!

 

Thanks for the feed back I am going to that website now,,and I will reread all these responses every day till it sinks into my pained brain!

[65tr6]

My wife and I are about 6 months into recovery, and things are far from ideal. From your post, it sounds like you're about 6 weeks post-affair. I hope you have a lot of inner strength and patience because you'll need it. It's weird how the BS seems to have it harder than the WS in some cases.

just curious. Why do you think things are far from ideal for you even after six months ? Sex still no good ?

[65tr6]

There is some contact because he is her boss,,,,

did you EXPOSE ? did you tell her hubby ? Do it now ! How do you know they are still not seeing each other ?

 

Something i learnt here and elsewhere.....Trust BUT verify !! It is your family. Do whatever it takes...legally ofcourse, if you want to save your marriage.

[65tr6]

Should I stop asking? Should it be on his terms only? I don't even know what to do or say any longer. I am so lonely for love,,,and connection.

you sound so much like me. lol. sorry. I see humor in seriousness sometimes.

 

You can ask. Worse case he will say no. But dont take that personally. He needs to realise that you have needs to. But during recovery dont expect anything but keep giving until your hubby goes through his withdrawl.

 

It is going to be very painful. Hang in there.

 

Read up. This website and others. Read plenty of books. Great ones out there. Surviving an Affair, His Nees Her Needs, 5 Love Languages and many others. Educate yourself. Keep yourself busy.

[Dexter Morgan]

Help me,,,I need to be given love and sex,,,has anyone been through this?

 

Question is, why do you want to have sex with your husband? He put it to another woman.

 

Are things that desperate when it seems you have to beg for sex and love from someone that betrayed you?

 

He is lucky you didn't toss him out on his ear. Have you considered divorcing the pr!ck?

[itspersonal]

well one question was did i verify. Yes I have been consistantly but it has been trying,,,no i did not tell her hubby as my husband is her boss and also because i wouldn't put another through what I am going through,,,it is up to her to live with what she has done. I will never know if he is with her but I do believe she was not the issue,,,it was the excitement that was,,,however I could be wrong wrong wrong,,,,if it isn't her and he wants that excitement it will be someone else,,,I figure it like pouring out the booze of the alcoholics,,,they just get sneakier or they go buy a different bottle,,,if this is what he is going to do , I can't stop him,,,I can only hope that he has learned from the harm he has caused and that his behaviors of going to MC and communicating with me are signs that he is remorseful and wont repeat! Only time will tell,,,I am guarded though.

 

The other question was why want sex with a man who gave it to someone else,,,,No I am far from desperate. I am attractive to say the least,,,intelligent, kind and decent and love sexual changes and fun and well I consider myself a great catch however,,it is my husband that I have spent the last 24 years with and whom I love. I have to believe that mistakes can happen and that they are forgiveable but 'A' MISTAKE in this area is all he gets. I want sex because if he doesn't give me some soon, I am afraid I may not make it through the marriage as I am very sexual myself and I need some relief and the connection of touching. I want the connection back that we had or even better then that,,,if it is possible,,,if not, I have to move on but I will give it time. I wonder that same question myself,,,why haven't i tossed him out and the only answer I have is forgiveness may be something I can give. Starting over with someone else with baggage doesn't seem fun either and is work so why not work on the damage and baggage I already have to see if it is worth the work since there is still love.

[signedin2008]

The affair is def. over.

 

How are you sure, when you didn't even know it existed while it was at its peak?

[2sure]

It sounds like your husband is being honest with you regarding his emotions, and possibly also being honest with himself. This is a rare occasion.

 

He has told you what so many posters here tell both partners in an affair:

It isnt the OW, it isnt the sex...its the "feeling". Excitement, regained youth. From what both he and the OW have said to you, it certainly is not the OW. He seems too know that an affair didn't fill the hole currently in his life. From the great make up sex you were having...he showed that he liked that newness and passion, even with a partner of 24 years. At least while it was still new make up sex.

 

I dont know if you can address the sex separately until he decides which side of the fence he wants to shoot for. Like you, my first instinct would be to "liven things up" -For myself I would suggest - hotel sex, a swingers dance, a threesome, what next?? But, that isnt going to solve the intimacy issue you H is having.

 

I wonder something. Many women cannot have sex with their husbands when they are angry or irritated. They just cant. Meanwhile, their husbands are feeling that they are using sex as weapon. It seems like some men on here feel the same way.

 

I would stop even bringing up sex. At theame time I understand your frustration - why is it that he gets the luxery of a mid life crisis? WTF?

[Athena]

I wonder if your H initiated the A as an exit to your marriage? Since HE says that he would divorce YOU if you had an A, what else could he have expected you to do if he had an A?

 

Is he perhaps forcing you to make the decision to divorce him? I ask this because he 1) Had an affair 2) Stopped having sex with you despite knowing how important it is to you, and that you will consider divorcing him if he continues no-sex 3) Asks you to uproot yourself and two kids so he can go play in the surf and feel young again.... DANG girl, he sounds like he is pushing your buttons... are you sure he is not sabotaging your marriage to force you into initiating divorce?!